Random Esquire

1.  I was on a conference call last week with the Italian when I got an instant message from him that went like this:

“I’m too sexy.”

“I’m too sexy for this call.”

“Too sexy for this call.”

“So sexy it hurts.”

This is my life, people.

2.  I bought a lap top today.  Presumably so Sitcom and I could go sit at a coffee shop and work on a writing project.  I got a Sony Viao – the new CS series, I believe (one of the pre-releases)…that glows when you stroke it.  I didn’t get pink, by the way. I got black.

3.  My little squirrel friend is back.  She (how I know she’s a she) disappeared over the summer while my patio was redone.

Today, I looked up to find her sitting just on the other side of the glass, having a staring contest with Little Filthy.  I got some crackers, walked out on the patio and set them down on the rail while she watched me, just a few inches away.  I went back inside and watched as she grabbed a cracker, ran along the building ledge to my neighbor’s patio and buried a cracker in one of her flower pots.  She did that with two more crackers and then sat on the railing and ate the last one.  I’m imagining my neighbors face when she finds her plants have sprouted crackers.

I think tomorrow will be oats and peanut butter.  I’m going to get her so fat, she needs to be moved with a forklift.   Then my work will be done.

1.  My phone rings.  I answer it and hear singing. It’s the Italian and he’s had a weekend of sex and fun with his Venezuelan girlfriend.  I listen for the first 5 minutes as he singsongs about his weekend.  He says, breathlessly and in a huge blur, “Do you know how many freakin’ orgasms this woman had?  And I believe it!  I may be a schmuck, but I believe it!”

I laugh and he says, “You know why I tell you these things? Because you’re an enabler.  Oh, I like being enabled.”

2.  When I eat breakfast foods, I want a little bit of everything.  A bite of a pancake, a bit of a biscuit, a sausage link, a strip of bacon, eggs, a bite of a crepe, etc.  I don’t want much of any one thing, I just don’t want to eat a plate of pancakes and not have the sweet evened out by something savory.  This is what I think about when blogging in the morning, I guess.

3.  Well, as previously reported…I am taking my mother to go see Tina Turner on Friday.  This means I will have taken my mother to Oprah and my father to Diana Ross and now, my mother to Tina Turner.  Gee, where should I take my dad next?  Bette Midler?

*sigh*