Random Esquire

1.  Every single time I catch that stupid show Unwrapped on TV, I suddenly decide I must eat whatever random candy they’ve just shown me.  I find myself now craving Squirrel Nut Zippers – a candy I’d never even heard of about 10 minutes ago.  And again, I’d just like to say that I’m amazed that ingredients are seemingly measured by hand.  It kills me to see employees scooping sugar out and counting cups.  For real people?  Machines can wrap 300 pieces of candy a second and we’re still measuring the ingredients by hand?

2.  Speaking of nuts… If you’re allergic to nuts, I gotta tell you, that sucks.  Because nuts are really good.  I’m just saying that I’m sorry you’re going to be denied the goodness that is nuts.  That’d be like someone telling me that I’m allergic to steak.  Screw that.

3.  Have you ever watched some guys eat nuts out of a bowl?  They shake them in their closed fist and the motion is ridiculously similar to whacking off.  Watching a bunch of guys eat nuts is like watching a circle jerk.

4.  I won’t lie. Some nuts suck.  Pecans aren’t that great unless you add Karo Syrup to them, bake that shit and call it a pie.  And walnuts?  Ehhhhh.  Maybe candied and in a salad with some goat cheese but otherwise, what the hell is the world doing with all those walnuts?

5.  Sarah Palin.  I take it back.  Not even with the Fox Network’s dick.