Random Esquire

Besos got the oil changed in her car today.  She promptly went home and sent me a text message to say that she was watching porn.  I said, “That’s how I celebrate all of my oil changes.  You should see what I do when I get my tires rotated.”  She’d had a bummed out day and decided that watching porn would cheer her up.  I mentioned that she could watch porn to cheer me up, as well.

We then had a conversation about porn.  Before I go into that, I’d like to note that two things really bother me about porn:

1) listening to some dude breathe through his teeth

and

2) all the spitting that goes on.

First, dude, it’s obvious you’re enjoying yourself.  But you’re making porn…and the point is for me to enjoy myself.  So I don’t want to listen to you hiss air through your teeth the entire time.  It distracts me from the woman.  Okay?

Second…there’s an awful lot of spitting that goes on in porn.  I’ve never spit on a woman.  On any part of a woman.  I’m pretty sure it might earn me a less than favorable reaction.  That’s not to say that spit doesn’t have its place and, indeed, uses in the act…just, you know, I’m not insulting her genitalia like it’s my evil step-father’s grave so I don’t spit on it like it offends me.  But I digress.

So we talked about porn and Besos saw fit to give me this tidbit:  “I just wish they’d skip the storyline and cut to the chase.”  I’m sure I laughed or paused or something because then she said in an informational librarian tone:  “Pornos have these…weak storylines…”

I said, “I love how you’re telling me this.”

I had earlier mentioned some movies I had DVR’d.  Most of them were action flicks.  Besos said, “I’ll make a deal with you.  I’ll watch those movies with you if you watch porn with me.”

*Blink*

Dude.  For reals?  How about this….you can throat punch me and I’ll watch porn with you.  Or you can poke me in the eye and I’ll watch porn with you.  Or you can give me papercuts between my fingers…and I’ll watch porn with you.  Is this really something we need to negotiate?

Okay, bedroom secret time.  You know how common sayings are particularly funny when they come out of the mouth of someone with English as a second language and they are used in a slightly unusual way?  Well, sometimes, after I’ve chased Besos around the couch a number of times and captured her on more than one occassion, she will clap her hands over herself and say, “CLOSED FOR BUSINESS. I am CLOSED FOR BUSINESS.”

Which really makes me laugh.

Anyway, so spill it.  Lay a bedroom secret on me.

p.s.  I discussed with Besos before posting this.  I’m not entirely stupid, for God’s sake.