Random Esquire

I realize that what some people like about Sarah Palin is that she seems like an average American.

What I don’t get is why that’s a good thing.

Don’t get me wrong.  America is a great country and the Americans sometimes amaze me with their strength.  But the average American isn’t wowing me with average intelligence.  Can I say that?  The average person is just that – average.

I don’t want the country being run by someone with average intelligence.  (I know she’s a VP candidate but let’s face it…with a 1 in 3 chance of McCain dying in his first term, I have to consider the possibility of her being President…and anyway, I want someone smart for VP, too.)  And I don’t get these McCain comments in which he says that Palin won’t impress anyone with her Harvard degree because she doesn’t have one.  Okay, so, when did having a degree from Harvard become some badge that indicated the recipient was no longer human and down to Earth?  Did I miss something?  And you know what, John McCain?  I’m not so stupid that I’d vote for someone purely because they had a Harvard degree so don’t insult my conscious choice of who I want to be President by reducing it to where someone went to school.  That’s ridiculous.  You don’t have to go to Harvard to be smart but it helps to be smart to go to Harvard.  Which brings me to my next point:

I want someone smart running the country.  I want someone infinitely smarter than me.  I don’t want Joe six-pack running the country.  Is that wrong of me?  I don’t even want an average dentist working on my teeth or an average contractor working in my home.   We don’t trust average Americans to run our companies and just become CEO – why the hell would we want an average person running the freakin’ country?  I don’t get it.

I wonder if people in other countries are looking at this campaign saying, “Look at those Americans. They don’t even care if someone is smart…they are going to elect this woman because they think she is pretty.  Quick, hand me something that glitters…they will make it Secretary of State.”

1.  Every single time I catch that stupid show Unwrapped on TV, I suddenly decide I must eat whatever random candy they’ve just shown me.  I find myself now craving Squirrel Nut Zippers – a candy I’d never even heard of about 10 minutes ago.  And again, I’d just like to say that I’m amazed that ingredients are seemingly measured by hand.  It kills me to see employees scooping sugar out and counting cups.  For real people?  Machines can wrap 300 pieces of candy a second and we’re still measuring the ingredients by hand?

2.  Speaking of nuts… If you’re allergic to nuts, I gotta tell you, that sucks.  Because nuts are really good.  I’m just saying that I’m sorry you’re going to be denied the goodness that is nuts.  That’d be like someone telling me that I’m allergic to steak.  Screw that.

3.  Have you ever watched some guys eat nuts out of a bowl?  They shake them in their closed fist and the motion is ridiculously similar to whacking off.  Watching a bunch of guys eat nuts is like watching a circle jerk.

4.  I won’t lie. Some nuts suck.  Pecans aren’t that great unless you add Karo Syrup to them, bake that shit and call it a pie.  And walnuts?  Ehhhhh.  Maybe candied and in a salad with some goat cheese but otherwise, what the hell is the world doing with all those walnuts?

5.  Sarah Palin.  I take it back.  Not even with the Fox Network’s dick.