Random Esquire

Lady Date Penelope double fists it.

And stumbles home in the morning.

You may recall that two weeks ago, I had the distinct pleasure of dinner with four really fantastic women.  This little outing was promptly nicknamed my Lady Date by Dysfunction Junction.  Sitcom was one of those lovely women and knows well my fascination with Pe (as she is known in Spain) – a.k.a. Penelope Cruz -  and she brought me a gift which was promptly named:  Lady Date Penelope.

So far, Lady Date Penelope has planned a nice getaway to some Spanish beaches as well as offered to teach me Spanish…with her hips.

Last week, on a cold and cloudy Chicago Friday, I decided to take Lady Date Penelope ice skating in Chicago’s Millennium Park.

She ended up in the arms of a strange man who attempted to put the moves on her!  I do not kid, friends.  See?

How did this happen?  Continue on to find out.

(more…)

1. I love watching Jeopardy. I laugh through most of it. During Kids Week, all of the kids jammed their buzzer to answer a question to name the war in which some state was acquired by the U.S. But when asked about the primary ingredient in marinara sauce, they all look at each with blank faces, completely stumped. That shit cracks me up. Last week, a woman gave an incorrect answer and Alex Trebek said something like, “Ohhh, no, it’s XX. What you said is something else entirely.”  I laughed.

2.  I bought foaming hand soap for the bathroom.  At some point, while using it, I wondered, “Does this make me lazy?  I don’t even want to take the time to lather my own soap?”

3.  Yesterday, the Today Show covered a story in which two adopted guys worked at the same place and then found out that they were brothers.  And then a sister emerged out of the woodwork.  The three of them were on.  Turns out there’s another sister and so they all met each other live on the Today Show this morning.  The best part was that this 4th sibling…she looked a little, how shall I say it…. rough.  She said that as soon as she saw the show the day before, she knew this was her family.  And then she made a motion toward her newly found sister and said something along the lines of:  “I mean, come on, look at us. It’s so obvious that we’re sisters.”

And I swear the other sister cringed.

4.  Today, I watched a Cover Girl commercial on television.  Penelope Cruz was in it.  I watched it and then paused, rewound it and watched it again before I realized why.

*sigh* Bah.

Updated to add:

5.  I put a plate with a slice of watermelon on it down on the coffee table.  I got up to get a glass of water.  I turned around and Little Filthy had it in his mouth, sticking out of each side.  I yelled, “HEY!” and he tore off running down the hall.  He ran right into the bedroom (have I mentioned that I don’t have any doors in my place?  I live in a loft so I don’t even have walls that go up to the ceiling…which is about 17 feet high).  Yeah, I found the beast on my bed, watermelon rind on my PILLOW.

And you know what? Dogs don’t have lips.  You know what that means?  It means they get watermelon juice everywhere.

Who wants a dog?