Random Esquire

Besos grew up in Mexico.  She was telling me that I was rubbing off on her and that she was going to learn how to cook more things outside her standard repertoire of Mexican dishes.  I enjoy cooking and since we are usually at my place, I tend to cook more often than Besos.

Anyway, in the midst of this conversation, she told me that when she was 18, her father said to her, “A woman should know how to cook, clean, and do laundry before getting married.”  I said, “What?!”  She repeated it.  Having grown up in a family with a very independent mother and sister, I am not so much a fan of these archaic views.  I said, “You should have told him that a man should learn how to keep his goddamn mouth shut before getting married.”  She then told me about their old neighbor’s sister.

“Our neighbor’s sister got married and she didn’t know how to cook, clean and do laundry and he returned her.”

I said, “Wait, wait…what do you mean ‘returned her‘?  Like they got a divorce?”

She said, “No, he just returned her home so she could learn to do those things.”

He returned her!  Like …a broken product that needed to get fixed.

Wild.

Then I wondered if some men really do feel like this is a perk to getting married.  My father doesn’t cook or do laundry.  He does clean – but stuff like vacuuming.  My sister knows how to do those things…but she hired someone to cook, clean and do laundry.  Me?   I’m 36, for God’s sake.  I can do all three.

Maybe I should open a school for young Mexican women.

You know,… maybe I’ll run that idea past Besos first.

1.  You know how I said that marriage was basically a higher form of adoption?  I just want to make it clear that I think Woody Allen took that a bit far.

2.  So… I was invited to a Halloween party by a young woman.  Said party is an “Eyes Wide Shut” Halloween party.  The servers?  Costumed and masked models.

!!!

Said young woman is not Besos.

So I politely declined.

That doesn’t mean I won’t still dress up like this to terrorize Besos.

3.  My mother called me this afternoon while I was in the office.  She was also downtown.  I said, “Would you like to go to lunch?”  She said, “It’s too late for lunch… but I am doing volunteer work until 6.”

I know a hint when I hear one.

I said, “Oh! That’s perfect.  How about we get dinner together?”

What do you know? She said yes.

4.  Remember when I climbed on top of my kitchen counter to get picture of Little Filthy nabbing banana?

I think may try a series of pictures of him in the bathtub.  Except I’m pretty sure that the angle I want may require me to be in the bathtub at the same time.  Negotiations are ongoing.

5.  I went to a conference this morning.  It was mainly nerds.  In fact, during one of the keynote speakers, I looked around and realized that there were about 10 women I could see in a room of over 1,000 men.  And you know what?  I swear every one of those nerds was wearing cologne.  I wanted to clobber them all.

First, you don’t marinate in it.  Second, you’re at a conference.  Not a speed dating seminar.  Third, there are 10 women here.  Even if you mouth breathers had a fight to the death, those women would be long gone by the time you found your inhaler after Round 3.

Huh.  Turns out I really am a little surly on Wednesdays.

1.  Have you ever acted like an idiot cause you were sort of upset about something?  And realized it about half-way through the event?  At some point where you could sort of decide if you were just gonna go with it or if you were going to immediately reel it in and fess up to acting stupid?

And then you realize that it’s sort of incredible that you’re contemplating consciously acting like an idiot as a viable alternative to not acting like an idiot?

Ridiculous, thy name is Random.

2.  I took Besos to brunch and then to see Whip It.  It wasn’t exactly a chick flick, per se, but if asked, I’m going to claim that I’ve met my sensitivity quotient for the week.

3.  I’m pretty convinced that marriage is just a higher form of adoption.  The woman ends up with a ’starter kid’ – a husband, before bustin’ out with the real thing.  Like easing your way into a swimming pool.

Instead of asking, “Will you marry me?” maybe men should ask, “Will you adopt me and take me home?”

But what the hell do I know?