Random Esquire

Sometimes, having Little Filthy makes me wonder what I’d do if I had a kid.  Which, considering that I’ve greased up his feet and he slid into the front door… or that I almost killed him by sticking bananas to the bottom of his water bowl… it’s not typically very encouraging.

I noticed him licking his foot today and  decided to take a closer look.  I don’t know how he does it but every so often, he’ll scrape off the entire outside of one of the pads on his paw.  I flipped him over and saw that his pad was still hanging on by a thread.  I clipped it off with some small surgical scissors and the raw skin below was red.  A cotton pad in cold water took the color away and must have felt good because he quit watching me, put his head down and started to doze.  Antibacterial + Q-tip + Band-aid = Limping dog.  But he must be feeling better because I just caught him in the bedroom, standing on my pillows with his hurt back leg up in the air, leaning over and plucking Kleenex out of the box on the nightstand. Rotten beast.

That’s right.  Before and After pictures for your benefit.  They’re going into my portfolio in the waiting room.

As we’ve previously learned, I could have been a doctor.  I’m pleased to add Veterinarian to the list of professions I could have pursued had I not decided to disappoint my mother by becoming an attorney.

1.  Editor and I met up last night for a night of Guy Stuff.  This involved hitting a local pub, having a few drinks and then some basketball.  Have you tried drunk basketball?  I recommend it.  The night was just what the doctor ordered after my week of somehow experiencing Kübler-Ross Stages of Grief without actually having lost anyone.

2.  Long walk with Little Filthy this morning and brunch with Boss.  The monster waited patiently under the table while we ate.

3.  Yesterday, a co-worker showed me a Macy’s ad and asked me if I noticed anything unusual about it.  She said, “Trust me, you’ll know when you see it.”  And sure enough…something caught my eye.  I snapped a picture of it for your benefit.

4.  I will be attending an Emmy party at a friend’s place tomorrow evening.  Said friend actually won an Emmy last year. Another friend who will also be attending said party is, I am quite sure, sleeping her way through award winners.  So far, she’s slept with an Oscar winner and an Emmy winner.  I suggested she skip the Grammy’s and I believe she has her eye out for a handsome Pulitzer.  Good luck with that.

I almost accidentally killed Little Filthy yesterday.  Here’s the thing:  After Little Filthy eats, he drinks an entire bowl of water.  He eats all his food, drinks, then licks the food bowl repeatedly, then drinks some more, then licks the food bowl again – back and forth until every last bit is gone.  Then he uses the bathroom repeatedly.  This is normal for him.

The other day, I noticed a full water bowl despite the fact that he’d just eaten.  It was the same way the next morning and he didn’t drink much in between.  I started to put more water into his food.  But then I had this brilliant idea of dropping some small treats into his water bowl.  I dropped in a few.  They floated around on the surface and he was able to fish them out relatively easily, not drinking too much.  I thought maybe if I had treats that sank to the bottom, he’d have to drink the water first before he could get to the treat.  So I decided I’d slice up some banana and stick it to the bottom of his bowl before filling it with water (See #3e here).  But then I realized something about Little Fitlhy.

I won’t lie.  He’s not a Rhodes Scholar.  He can’t herd sheep, lead a blind man across the street, or even consistently come when you call him.  He’s more likely to bang his head into a wall from running too fast, eat a dirty kleenex (see #3 here) or drag your underwear across a room (See here or #2 here…or #1 here).  It occurred to me that, considering his love of bananas, he’d probably go nose down and try to fish it out and probably drown himself in the process.

At that thought, the banana slice dropped from my hand back on to the counter.  So much for that idea.  So instead, I cut a small piece of banana and mashed it with the side of a knife and then whisked it into a big bowl of water.  He drank it all.  Two bowls of it.

Yeah.  I probably need a girlfriend, huh?

1.  Have you heard the 911 call of the young woman working at a City Laundry & Cleaners?  The store was robbed and the robber shot her in the back of the head.  Miraculously, she was able to drag herself to a phone and call 911.  I am ashamed to say that there is a part of the call that makes me laugh.  Here’s a transcript:

911 Operator:  Hello 911, What is your emergency?

Young woman:  I’ve been shot and I just got robbed.

911 Operator:  You’ve been shot and robbed??

Okay, it’s how the Operator says, “You’ve been shot AND robbed?!”  Like she can’t believe this woman’s bad luck.  First, she gets shot but then they robbed her on top of it?  I know it shouldn’t make me laugh.  I’m not sure it can be helped.

2.  For some reason, I was thinking about Dolly Parton today.  I know, I can’t explain why I get these thoughts.  That just reminded of me of the time I pondered what would happen if all the tubes of toothpaste were sold out.  I know it seems like I should have better things to think about but you know what?  Not so much.  Anyway, it sort of amazes me that so many people love Dolly Parton that she has her own theme park.  That’s sort of outrageous, right?  It’s like backwoods Tennessee threw up all over Disney.  How many banjos do you think are in Dollywood right now?  It’s like trying to guess how many jelly beans are in a jar.  Man, I wish there was a way to get that answer.

3.  The monster was smelling like a cross between corn chips and dirt.  It was time for a bath.  While I scrubbed him down, I calmly explained to him that it was perfectly okay that his skin was nourished with oatmeal extracts, that the girls like a good smelling fellow and it doesn’t matter if some people think it’s odd.  What matters is that he likes it and it makes him feel good.

Little Filthy licking water off his nose.

I smell good. Don't be a hater.