Random Esquire

When I was visiting my parents recently, they pulled out a file of drawings my sister and I did as children. You may be familiar with some of our other differences.

Now, let me explain what you’re about to see… This was a workbook of sorts that we each colored while in kindergarten about ourselves, our lives and our family. With that, let’s get started.

PAGE 1:  THIS IS MY HAND

We were each supposed to draw a picture of our hand. Here is my sister’s hand, complete with manicured nails and a ring.

Let’s see my hand:

Seems okay so far, right?

PAGE 2: THIS IS MY FOOT

Sister’s foot – complete with toes and instep. Also, possibly some injuries.

My foot – notice that I did not even bother to take off my shoe.

PAGE 3: THIS IS MY HAIR

Sister’s hair: She took time to give herself a part.

My hair: I took time to give myself blue eyes.

Note the obvious family resemblance.

PAGE 4: THIS IS MY HOUSE

My sister lives in a significantly more beautiful home than I do. Her home has a garage, driveway, door, window, chimney, tree and tulips.

My house is yellow. Bonus:  roof.

PAGE 5: THIS IS MY BED

Sister’s bed has a headboard, footboard, pillows, and ruffles. Also, a person added for size scale.

Meanwhile, I apparently thought the square in which we were to depict our bed was the actual bed. Also, I couldn’t be bothered to pick up another color crayon so my bed matches my house.

PAGE 6: THIS IS MY FAMILY

My sister has taken the time to give my father glasses and a tie. Also, note the accurate representation that my mother’s hair is darker than my father’s.

I don’t even know what to say about my picture.

PAGE 7: THIS IS ME. I AM WONDERFUL!

(seriously, that’s what it says at the top of the page):

Sister: Ahh, the colors!

Me: I included the full page, for maximum effect. WTF.

PAGE 8: THIS IS MY FAVORITE TOY

My sister enjoys her yo yo!

This is my favorite toy.

Can’t tell what it is? Let me help.

Clearly, it’s a blender, people.

There you have it. Sister vs. Random: Kindergarten Style

Boss and I had dinner last night.  I heard the latest about her day:

1.  A kindergarten boy left the bathroom naked…except for his shirt.  In his hand?  His underwear.  Filled with poop.  Apparently, the wall had received a new paint job.

2.  Another kindergarten teacher peeked into the boys bathroom after hearing some singing and found a little boy with his pants and underwear down around his ankles as he used the urinal.  He was shaking his butt back and forth and singing with his hands up in the air.  She asked him to come see her after he was done.  She wanted to inform him that a hands-on approach might be the way to go.  He walked out of the bathroom when done to see her…with his pants and underwear still down around his ankles.

3.  The bathroom sinks have those faucets that turn on by pushing down on a round cylinder shape – I think that’s an early 1980′s style.  Anyway, they’re sometimes hard to push which is why Boss walked into the bathroom to see that a little boy had climbed on top of the sink so he could step on the nozzle for other people to wash their hands.

As for my day?  I woke up this morning to a cold nose and air on my face.  I opened an eye and saw Little Filthy demanding we go pay homage to the breakfast gods. I grabbed my phone and snapped him staring.  Monster.

1.  Yesterday, a co-worker walked into my office with a flower arrangement (Sunflowers!) that had been delivered for me.  I am quite sure I looked at her like she was crazy when she said they were for me.  I turned crimson.  Turns out, QTMama had sent them in reference to this and that.  The best part?  The card.  It said, “You are the best dude ever, my friend.”  (Here is QTMama’s take on the flower giving.)

2.  Boss called me yesterday after another harrowing day of teaching 33 kindergarteners.  THIRTY-THREE, people.  I couldn’t keep 33 adults quiet and attentive for 10 minutes let alone 33 five year olds.  She said that she told a little boy not to run in the hallway as he ran past her.  She said, “Then he ran back and punched me in the vagina!”

*Blink*

I mean, I guess that’s about the height for it, right?  I said, “Uhh…(pause)…was it an uppercut?”

She said, “YES.”

Let’s get a little Rooney Rant in here, too.

3.  Don’t ask me to dumb down your contract language so that a lay person can understand it without picking up a legal dictionary.  And don’t freakin’ call it legalese as if that’s a bad thing.  It’s a legal document.  It might have legal terms in it.   Its intended audience is attorneys.  I don’t ask doctors to dumb down their medical journals so that I can understand it without knowing any medical terms.  Don’t ask me to dumb down your contract.  BARK BARK BARK.

4.  Dude.  Don’t quote that stupid line “The first thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers” to me in some attempt to be pejorative about attorneys.  Because all that tells me is that you can read Shakespeare but that you fail to understand Shakespeare.  If you re-read Henry VI, Part II, Act IV, Scene 2 – you’ll see that Shakespeare was paying homage to attorneys and was not speaking pejoratively against them.

The person who says it (Dick the Butcher) is leading an “army of rabble” and is “a demagogue pandering to the ignorant” – and so he says his first step is to kill all the lawyers who might stand in his way of becoming a tyrant because lawyers are defenders of freedom.

So if you quote that dumb line to me, I’m going to cock punch you.

Are we all clear on that?