Random Esquire

Boss and I had dinner last night.  I heard the latest about her day:

1.  A kindergarten boy left the bathroom naked…except for his shirt.  In his hand?  His underwear.  Filled with poop.  Apparently, the wall had received a new paint job.

2.  Another kindergarten teacher peeked into the boys bathroom after hearing some singing and found a little boy with his pants and underwear down around his ankles as he used the urinal.  He was shaking his butt back and forth and singing with his hands up in the air.  She asked him to come see her after he was done.  She wanted to inform him that a hands-on approach might be the way to go.  He walked out of the bathroom when done to see her…with his pants and underwear still down around his ankles.

3.  The bathroom sinks have those faucets that turn on by pushing down on a round cylinder shape – I think that’s an early 1980’s style.  Anyway, they’re sometimes hard to push which is why Boss walked into the bathroom to see that a little boy had climbed on top of the sink so he could step on the nozzle for other people to wash their hands.

As for my day?  I woke up this morning to a cold nose and air on my face.  I opened an eye and saw Little Filthy demanding we go pay homage to the breakfast gods. I grabbed my phone and snapped him staring.  Monster.

1.  Yesterday, a co-worker walked into my office with a flower arrangement (Sunflowers!) that had been delivered for me.  I am quite sure I looked at her like she was crazy when she said they were for me.  I turned crimson.  Turns out, QTMama had sent them in reference to this and that.  The best part?  The card.  It said, “You are the best dude ever, my friend.”  (Here is QTMama’s take on the flower giving.)

2.  Boss called me yesterday after another harrowing day of teaching 33 kindergarteners.  THIRTY-THREE, people.  I couldn’t keep 33 adults quiet and attentive for 10 minutes let alone 33 five year olds.  She said that she told a little boy not to run in the hallway as he ran past her.  She said, “Then he ran back and punched me in the vagina!”

*Blink*

I mean, I guess that’s about the height for it, right?  I said, “Uhh…(pause)…was it an uppercut?”

She said, “YES.”

Let’s get a little Rooney Rant in here, too.

3.  Don’t ask me to dumb down your contract language so that a lay person can understand it without picking up a legal dictionary.  And don’t freakin’ call it legalese as if that’s a bad thing.  It’s a legal document.  It might have legal terms in it.   Its intended audience is attorneys.  I don’t ask doctors to dumb down their medical journals so that I can understand it without knowing any medical terms.  Don’t ask me to dumb down your contract.  BARK BARK BARK.

4.  Dude.  Don’t quote that stupid line “The first thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers” to me in some attempt to be pejorative about attorneys.  Because all that tells me is that you can read Shakespeare but that you fail to understand Shakespeare.  If you re-read Henry VI, Part II, Act IV, Scene 2 – you’ll see that Shakespeare was paying homage to attorneys and was not speaking pejoratively against them.

The person who says it (Dick the Butcher) is leading an “army of rabble” and is “a demagogue pandering to the ignorant” – and so he says his first step is to kill all the lawyers who might stand in his way of becoming a tyrant because lawyers are defenders of freedom.

So if you quote that dumb line to me, I’m going to cock punch you.

Are we all clear on that?