Random Esquire

1.  Sometimes I say something and then have no idea why it came out of my mouth.   I was getting a birthday card for my sister and I decided to get a Thanksgiving Day card for my niece and nephew.  Then I saw these turkey stickers and got those to stick in the envelope.  The sticker package was too long so I had to cut off the top to get them into the envelope.

Except, I don’t have scissors.  Ahhh, but the nice young woman in the corner cubicle by Fresh Express has scissors!

So I knocked lightly on her wall and peeked over. She looked up and smiled.  I said, “Hi, [perfectly nice co-worker]. May I borrow your scissors?”

She said, “Sure!” and picked them up out of a pen cup on her desk to hand them to me and as she did so, I suddenly said one of those stupid things that I think will be funny but oftentimes is not.

I said, “… to cut my toenails.”

She looked up at me looking at her.

And then I grinned broadly.

I made myself grin so she’d know I was kidding.  The thing is, I have a really dry sense of humor and I’ve been told before that people don’t know when I’m joking or when to take me seriously.  But have you ever seen someone grin on purpose?  They just look stupid.

The good news? She laughed.  The even better news?  She said, “You can keep them when you’re done.”

Random FTW!

2.  I’m going to spare you all this story in detail but suffice to say that Fresh Express misunderstood a situation today and briefly believed that I’d had a baby with a co-worker.  A married co-worker.  I admit… the baby may have looked a little like me.  (Basically, Fresh Express rounded a corner and saw me standing next to my co-worker and the baby and she did this slow look from me… to my co-worker…then to the baby…then back to me….  In an instant, we all knew what she was thinking)  *sigh*

But that baby?  Not mine.

This story delighted Instigator to no end who proceeded to tease me mercilessly.

3.  All right, I’m off to head back downtown to see The Addams Family.  Someone please play with the monster.

As you may recall, I watch Jeopardy and am convinced that there is always one jacked up contestant.  Today’s episode began innocently enough with this very normal looking woman:

And to answer your question, yes – I paused the show to take a picture of my television.

NEXT up…was THIS man in a kelly green jacket, yellow shirt and red tie.

I’m not making this shit up, people.  DO YOU RECOGNIZE HIS GLASSES?

Can you believe this guy?  This is what it would look like if Ronald McDonald’s tried to integrate into normal life.

And finally, we had the returning champion.  Who wore a corset.

See? Jeopardy is interesting.

1. I love watching Jeopardy. I laugh through most of it. During Kids Week, all of the kids jammed their buzzer to answer a question to name the war in which some state was acquired by the U.S. But when asked about the primary ingredient in marinara sauce, they all look at each with blank faces, completely stumped. That shit cracks me up. Last week, a woman gave an incorrect answer and Alex Trebek said something like, “Ohhh, no, it’s XX. What you said is something else entirely.”  I laughed.

2.  I bought foaming hand soap for the bathroom.  At some point, while using it, I wondered, “Does this make me lazy?  I don’t even want to take the time to lather my own soap?”

3.  Yesterday, the Today Show covered a story in which two adopted guys worked at the same place and then found out that they were brothers.  And then a sister emerged out of the woodwork.  The three of them were on.  Turns out there’s another sister and so they all met each other live on the Today Show this morning.  The best part was that this 4th sibling…she looked a little, how shall I say it…. rough.  She said that as soon as she saw the show the day before, she knew this was her family.  And then she made a motion toward her newly found sister and said something along the lines of:  “I mean, come on, look at us. It’s so obvious that we’re sisters.”

And I swear the other sister cringed.

4.  Today, I watched a Cover Girl commercial on television.  Penelope Cruz was in it.  I watched it and then paused, rewound it and watched it again before I realized why.

*sigh* Bah.

Updated to add:

5.  I put a plate with a slice of watermelon on it down on the coffee table.  I got up to get a glass of water.  I turned around and Little Filthy had it in his mouth, sticking out of each side.  I yelled, “HEY!” and he tore off running down the hall.  He ran right into the bedroom (have I mentioned that I don’t have any doors in my place?  I live in a loft so I don’t even have walls that go up to the ceiling…which is about 17 feet high).  Yeah, I found the beast on my bed, watermelon rind on my PILLOW.

And you know what? Dogs don’t have lips.  You know what that means?  It means they get watermelon juice everywhere.

Who wants a dog?