1. I sometimes say things that I think are somewhat funny when really they aren’t.
This morning at the grocery store, the woman bagging my stuff said, “Do you mind if I put the shampoo in with your groceries?”
Now, first of all, it wasn’t shampoo. I got body wash for the 2nd bathroom because you can’t give guests a bar of soap. You know why? It’s just fucking gross. I mean, if I have to tell you that, then you’ve clearly never been a guest at someone’s home and gotten into the shower only to see a bar of soap staring at you with a single black, curly hair stuck on it. You follow?
Okay, so, she said, “Do you mind if I put the shampoo in with your groceries?”
I said, “No, I plan on eating the shampoo.”
She said, very softly, “…oh…”
I sort of wanted to roll my eyes or tell her I was kidding but then I figure she might as well think I’m a weirdo if she’s so gullible. I mean, life’s got harder lessons down the road for the likes of her.
2. I might have a somewhat nosy neighbor. I take some pride in not fully answering her questions. The first time I met her, she said, “Ohhh, so you’re the new neighbor! I was wondering when I’d meet you. So… are you married? or did you buy your place alone?”
I said, “I have a dog.”
Then yesterday morning, I walked in early with some bags and she said, “Oh! Did you go to the Farmers’ Market?” Which, really, I don’t get why she would think that is the only place a person goes in the morning. Instead of telling her what I did, I said, “I’m a morning person!”
Whatever.
3. Did you know that if you move and you decide not to take your bed frame and instead, you just put your mattress on the floor for a few weeks while you look for furniture..well, did you know that if you do that, your dog will think you are fucking awesome for giving him such a huge bed even if he finds it strange that you insist on sharing it with him? Little Filthy was disappointed when the bedroom furniture arrived.
My schedule has definitely changed since moving. Hence tirades like this from QTMama. I used to stay up until 1-2 a.m. regularly. Now, it hits 10 p.m. and I start to think of bed. WTF.
4. I have still not purchased living room or dining room (they are all one big room) furniture. It has been suggested by more than one person that I simply put basketball hoops up on either end and call it a day.
5. Little Filthy is completely baffled by the glass doored shower. He growls like mad when I open or close the doors. And once I am inside, when I close the doors, he somehow thinks I can no longer see him and he makes a beeline for the trashcan, getting up on his hind legs and peeking inside for goodies. I then yell, “Hey!” and about startle him to death. I really don’t get this dog.
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So, many of you have heard about me and have even appreciated 
1. My niece saw Annie for the first time. On an iPad. While on a plane. Going to L.A. Or maybe to the Caribbean. Who knows. It’s a toss up, really. Anyway, the movie introduced her to the concept of poverty and wealth – which prompted her to ask my sister, “Mommy, are we rich?”
Just a random attorney writing about daily life with Little Filthy, my rotten dog.