Just need to know your address so I can address the box.
Don’t worry. I’ll put some food in along with him.
Dog for Sale! One Dog for Sale!
June 20th, 2011My Sister Guest Blogs: Debut of BS and Nuts in a Sling
June 7th, 2011
So, many of you have heard about me and have even appreciated my artwork. I felt it was long overdue for me to welcome you to our family and share some laughs of mine as well.
So you’ve heard of me, the Big Sister who can now just be referred to as BS. About me – a 39 yr old working mom in a NYC suburb. Although I’m not from the East coast, I have lived here now for about 15 years which means I have:
1- evolved my ability to be an aggressive driver;
2- temporarily became a disciple of eating (insert food fad here: cupcakes, rice pudding, boba tea, meatballs, ramen noodles etc) and (insert exercise/health fad here: yoga, jivamukti yoga, bar method, blueprint cleanse);
3- a heightened intolerance for people who lack self-awareness (loud talkers on cell phones, people who walk on the side walk in NYC shoulder to shoulder); AND
4 – a big ego.
I have two kids; I’ll call them Ferdinand (3 yrs old) and Isabella (5 yrs old) not because they’re Spanish but because they behave like royalty. I’ll spend more time discussing them later – today’s entry is about husbands.
I was recently in Hawaii for work.
Really for work? Yes, I did work (as least as possible) and yes, I did eat (fad foods: Puka dog, loco moco) and yes, I did try paddleboarding. The following week, friends of ours were hosting a Hawaii-themed party so I thought would it be cute if we ALL (the family) wore the same printed Hawaiian outfits. Me and Isabella in matching MuMu dresses (think Mrs. Roper in colorful Hibiscus prints) with plumeria in our hair, and Daddy and Ferdinand wearing same print in Hawaiian shirts. This is how the conversation went down.
BS to spouse: “Hey, I was thinking that for the Hawaiian party next week we could all wear matching outfits, really go with the theme. All four of us in cute bright printed Hawaiian shirts and dresses.”
Do you all have images of Griswold family wearing matching berets?
Spouse: “Really?? I think you guys would look cute but I think I’ll abstain.”
BS: “But come on, the kids are only young for a short amount of time. I’m only going to be able to dress them for a brief time so if we ever want to do it, it’s now. It’ll be cute!”
Spouse: “No”
So, spouse is usually a good sport about things but I’m sure he was thinking, “Geeez, our friends all know you have my nutsack in a sling, do we really have to arrive at a party and announce it with a superbowl ad?”
I think you guys all know the couples I’m talking about here. Where you know that the wife runs the show and rules the household. I’m not saying that my house is like that but maybe it’s more important for my friends to think it’s run like that. In the end, the kids wore matching outfits, we just honored the theme of the party by getting shit-faced on mai-tais.
Glad to insert myself into RandomEsq’s blog here – Mahalo!
Do you have some examples you’ve seen where you can tell that the woman is totally in charge, bossing her husband around?
Share ThisWhat. The. Hell. IS THIS?
June 2nd, 2011
What is mean milf?
May 25th, 2011
You remember my mom? The woman who says, “Who is this?” on the phone when I say, “Hi, Mom!” And then gets off the phone by saying, “I have to go. Your father is pouring orange juice.” The mom who asked me what I wanted for a birthday dinner and when she heard my answer said, “No… I’m going to make you something else.” That one. Yes. Her.
You my recall she now sends text messages. (“Have fun. Don’t spend. Have fun. Save money.”) What makes her text messages particularly awesome is that 1) English is her second language and 2) like most, she can’t be bothered typing all the words. Also: Sometimes they are in ALL CAPS.
She sent me a text message today. I saw my phone light up and I picked it up to read this:
“What is mean milf?”
*blink*
I think I froze in place. Then I read it again. Nope, I didn’t misread that. My mother just asked me what a MILF is.
I wrote back, “Ummmmmmm…. It means a sexy mom.”
Pretty good answer, right?
I followed up with “If someone says that a woman if a milf, that means she is a sexy mom.”
That particular text is the equivalent of nervous giggling/talking.
My mother wasn’t buying any of that bullshit. Her next text message said:
“What stand for?”
*groan*
What could I do?? I said, “It’s stands for “Mom I’d Like to Fuck.”"
I hit send.
Dead silence. Minutes ticked by. I called. No answer. Then I sent her a text and said, “Are those guys at work telling you bad words??”
So, here’s the thing. My mother works in an upscale store downtown with a bunch of gay men. They like to take her out with them. They like to tell her all about their life. They like to teach her things. They have her listening to Cee-lo and Lady Gaga.
It’s like she runs in a gang.
And so I instantly figured that they were teaching her these words.
Finally, she called me back. She couldn’t stop laughing. She said that a guy used the word today and then wouldn’t tell her what it meant. I said, “A gay guy used it?” She said, “No. A straight guy.”
I told my sister this story. My sister said, “A straight guy said that to her? In what context?”
I said:
“I DIDN’T ASK.”
Some things are best left unsaid.
*sigh*
Share ThisAnnie, A Mouthful of Waffle, and Bossy Pants.
May 21st, 2011
1. My niece saw Annie for the first time. On an iPad. While on a plane. Going to L.A. Or maybe to the Caribbean. Who knows. It’s a toss up, really. Anyway, the movie introduced her to the concept of poverty and wealth – which prompted her to ask my sister, “Mommy, are we rich?”
You know what my sister said?
“Yes.”
This both makes me laugh and cringe at the same time. But mostly laugh.
2. I spoke with my sister this morning. She said, about my nephew, “He’s sitting in the middle of an inner tube. In the yard. With a mouthful of waffle. And a strawberry in his hand.”
I think this is awesome.
3. Speaking of things that crack me up, I thought my Jesus Rapture picture was very funny. My sister, however, did not. I sent her a text message that said, “The Rapture is tomrorow!” with the picture attached.
Her response: “wtf??”
Then, “Why do u have a photo of jc w ur name on it”
then, “Where did u get that??”
I said, “You want one, don’t you?”
She said, “No. Not funny to me. Dumb. Read Bossy Pants. That’s funny.”
Sometimes, everything my sister does strikes me as hilarious.
Share ThisWell, could’ve guessed that one.
May 18th, 2011
Veal: A Dog’s Story.
May 9th, 2011Little Filthy has so far tried:
Peanut Butter, Carrots, Green Beans, Bananas, Corn, and Watermelon. This time? He got to try a veal chop bone. Click on the pictures to see full size.
First – the bone.
Crazy Eyes.
CHOMP.
Yum.
SO GOOD.
Demolished.
Three Assholes Talking: RandomEsq, Editor, and NambyPamby.
May 6th, 2011I was on gchat and I asked Editor and NambyPamby the same question:
“Would you fuck Jennifer Lopez?“
Let’s see how this goes.
RE: Would you fuck Jennifer Lopez?
Editor: J-Lo? hmmm, i mean, right NOW? yes, because, like, I wouldn’t turn it down. But I need more. What’s the context here?
RE: WHAT THE FUCK.
Editor: Dude.
RE: I MEAN SERIOUSLY?
Editor: j-lo. well. Give me the context. You mean as opposed to NOT fucking J-LO if I had the chance?
RE: YOU IS NAKED IN A ROOM. WITH JLO.
Editor: she’s not disease riddled, right?
RE: AND SHE WANT TO FUCK. THERE’S YOUR CONTEXT.
Editor: then yes. J-Lo circa 1998. J-Lo circa 2011 is old and has kids. and has been fucking what’s his name. her husband. marc antony.
RE: I’m fucking dying laughing.
Editor: Like…Pre-Affleck J-Lo? Totes.
RE: Lemme get this straight. You might turn down J-Lo cause some other ugly dick been in her?
Editor: fine. yes. i’d bang j-lo.
RE: Would you fuck Jennifer Lopez?
NP: Probably? I mean, there are a lot of factors to consider. like, would that be like sticking certain parts of my body into a garbage disposal/blender
RE: WTF.
NP: she is attractive. and i am presently operating under the “beggars cannot be choosers” mantra at the moment. so. THERE.
RE: JESUS.
NP: WILL SHE LOVE ME BACK. CAN I BE THE SMALL SPOON
RE: I can’t even look at you, man. Are you fucking J-Lo or are you being a mangina? *STARE*
NP: OH THE DEATH ST…AHHHHH AHHHH NOOOOOOOOO!
RE: ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? Like, seriously, she’s in a room naked. wants you. YOU WOULD TURN HER DOWN?
NP: Clearly this will never happen. but probably not.
RE: You are such an asshole. I’m laughing so hard. LISTEN, ASSHOLE. I am here to TELL YOU that if you were in a room with your boxers down and JLO grabbed hold, YOU WOULD NOT TURN IT DOWN. I mean, it could be fucking JOE from FACTS OF LIFE and you might be okay with that shit. SO LET ME ASK YOU ONCE AGAIN, BROTHER. WOULD YOU FUCK JLO?
NP: this is Jenny from the Block, right?
RE: YES.
NP: I mean, she’s married.
RE: I’m going to slug you. Like, straight up fucking slug you. YES OR NO.
NP: yeah, probably.
So, then I decided to share this conversation with Legally Fabulous.
RE: Get a load of this shit. I’m sending you two conversations.
<Pause while Legally Fabulous reads the conversation>
LF: god. they’re such retards.
RE: Right? listen up, white boy, you’d let her WRECK YOU. but for some reason, it cracks me the fuck up that those two idiots were like: “well, tell me more.” I mean, REALLY? Do you need more?
LF: lol. right. like if you asked me “would you fuck Justin Timberlake?” “yes.” the end. THERE ARE NO FACTORS TO CONSIDER.
RE: THANK YOU.
CONCLUSION
Those two assholes would fuck J-L0.
I’d fuck J-Lo.
Legally Fab would fuck Justin Timberlake.
Any questions?
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Cemetery Ignorant. That’s me.
April 26th, 2011
1. Pardon the relative radio-silence. My grandmother passed away on April 11. Following that week, which I might add sucked, I returned to work only to have that self-implode (while in the middle of an office move) so I’ve been spending all my time with family (cool) or sitting with my work laptop in front of me (not as much with the cool).
For those of you who follow me on twitter, you were with me on this ride the whole time from that phone call to go to the hospital to the sad news the next day. Thank you.
2. Speaking of my grandmother, I went to bring her flowers on Easter. This mainly involved me wandering around Rosehill Cemetery clutching a bunch of purple tulips in one hand while walking past people who legitimately knew where the heck their loved ones were buried. Awesome.
3. As an interesting side note… at this particular cemetery… the head stone is placed at the head of the grave but the words face away from the body. It’s like someone took the head stone and turned it 180 degrees. I thought that if I was standing a foot away from the headstone reading it, I’d essentially be standing over her. But instead, she’s on the other side of the headstone. Like, on the back of it. Is this normal?
My mother informed me that this was that you could read the headstone and not be standing on top of her. Nevermind that you’re just standing on top of some other deceased person. I mean, I suppose it is okay because you can’t read that person’s headstone and look them in the face, so to speak. What if their loved ones were there at the same time and were like, “You’re…standing on my loved one. Go stand on your own.” These are the things no one bothers to explain to you when you’re cemetery ignorant.
But also, it made me blurt out, “What the heck! They buried her on the wrong side!” when I finally found the grave.
It’s a talent, being this ignorant.
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Just a random attorney writing about daily life with Little Filthy, my rotten dog.