Legs: “I have to douche it.”
*blink*
Me: “What?”
Legs: “I have to douche it!”
Me: “WHAT?”
Legs: “I. HAVE. TO. DO. SHIT.”
Oh.
See, I heard something different.
Share ThisDouche it.
October 30th, 2011Legs, Black Dresses, Church and Take a Hike.
October 9th, 2011
1. I am spending the weekend with Legs. (She is amazing, did I mention?)
2. Last night, we went to dinner and the theatre. I was ready to go and was waiting in the kitchen when Legs walked out of the bedroom in a black dress. I lit up.
I said, ‘You look fantastic!”
She looked at me and said, “I’m going to change clothes.”
*Blink*
Then she returned in a different black dress.
A shorter, smaller black dress.
I said, “Wow. You look great.”
She looked at me and then turned back toward the bedroom. She called back to me, “Maybe I should put on underwear.”
3. We were waiting for the cab outside when I leaned in and kissed her. I said, “I already got a kiss, this early in the date! This date is going well.”
She said, “You’ve already scored today.”
Touche.
+1 Legs
4. We just walked to a little diner and had breakfast. We were holding hands, walking down the street and I said, “When you walk to the breakfast between 10 and 11 on a Sunday morning, it’s obvious that you had sex instead of going to church.”
Legs said, “We were walking the dog!”
I said, “We walked him after we had sex.”
She grinned.
+1 Random
5. Legs was kind enough to let me take a picture of her t-shirt (above). By that, I mean that she put one hand on her hip and lifted her other hand, as if to say, “Fine. Go ahead, if you must.”
She is not a blogger. She does not use Twitter. My writing about her and tweeting about her is a new experience for her – one that sometimes both appalls and tickles her. Speaking of, she got the nickname “Legs” on Twitter and it has stuck.
I informed her of this.
She’s okay with it.
LEGS.
Share ThisBreak-up Letters
September 8th, 2011As you may be aware, I handle breakup correspondence for QTMama.
See previous exhibit here.
Unfortunately, my services have again become necessary. For follow-up, please see QT’s most recent entry here.
Sincerely,
Random Esquire
Share ThisCarnations are a bullshit flower. Also: I’m an ass and only semi-relevant.
September 2nd, 2011
1. Carnations are a bullshit flower.
If you order flowers for a woman and don’t make a point to request ‘no carnations’, you might suck. Because carnations are bullshit.
2. My aforementioned female guest (with the great legs) left behind a thong. I figure that’s permission to wear it as an eye patch. Especially if I took it off of her. Right?
Right.
3. My text conversation with said lovely woman:
Her: “So, how many women have you flirted with while at the park?”
Me: “All of them. Twice. For good measure. I have 28 dates next week.”
Her: “You’re an ass.”
4. It gets better. This morning’s conversation:
Her: “The way you write about things makes them… interesting.”
Me: “Thank y…..”
Her: “Wait, no, that’s not it. It makes them…. semi-relevant.”
It’s a tough crowd over here, folks.
Share ThisSunshine, dancing and legs.
August 28th, 2011
Earthquakes, Chunky Monkey, Nosy Neighbor, Pink Eye, and NOT DEAD YET.
August 25th, 20111. Monday was my last (for now) day on this most recent (and bloody awful) job assignment. It ended abruptly and surprisingly. I celebrated by heading to Washington DC on Tuesday with a pretty woman and sitting along the water in Georgetown to enjoy lunch with her. See Exhibit 1 below.
Then the earthquake hit.
And then I figured I should probably go home.
2. Speaking of said earthquake: We were enjoying a beer in the sunshine when our chairs started to shake and then the earth… rippled. It felt like we were suddenly afloat on a raft and bobbing along to small waves. The people seated around us had gone silent. Once the shaking had ended, the chatter about an earthquake began.
Natural disaster? BOOM. DONE.
3. I came home to a little chunky monkey. My parents had somehow mistakenly fed Little Filthy TWICE as much as his normal amount. I can picture Little Filthy watching my mother fill his bowl, thinking, “That’s right…keep going, lady…keep it comin’.”
4. Nosy Neighbor and I crossed paths this morning. She said, “I saw you almost every day for two weeks and then nothing for almost three weeks!” And I blurted out where I was, my employer, and what I was doing. She looked so satisfied, I thought she might light a cigarette.
5. While at the airline counter waiting for a seat change, I had my hand resting on the counter-top. I reached up and rubbed my eye unconsciously. And right then, I pictured myself on a security tape being played in front of a classroom of people – an instructor in front pausing the tape right as my fingers approached my eye. She says, “Annnnnnnnnnnnnd that is how you get pink eye.”
6. Thank you to all of you who left comments on my last entry. I can’t tell you how nice it was to read the words of encouragement during what was a particularly dark and difficult week.
7. Despite all predictions to the contrary, I did not end up at the bottom of the Hudson river during my trip. This pleases me.
8. I must now cut this entry short as the Little Filthy Chunky Monkey is about to drop his blob at the mention of going to the park.
9. And, obviously, I missed QTMama and her two-car vagina so very much. Mainly because it doubles as a poncho in the rain.
Share ThisNosy Neighbor, Part III: I miss you.
August 14th, 2011
1. As some of you know, I am out of town on a work assignment that leaves much to be desired. I can not say any more about it but suffice to say that it has been very, very difficult. I put in over 90 hours last week.
2. Little Filthy is doing quite well, being watched by my parents. They send me an e-mail picture of him daily with a caption that, essentially, is meant to say “See? Your dog is still alive. We aren’t incompetent.”
3. I have never missed Instigator more in my life than I have this week.
4. I appreciate my friends so much. They have been keeping me sane during the last week so I could get through the weeks still ahead of me.
5. I am worried that I will return home changed in some way I do not like.
6. My desire to return home is so great that I might hug Nosy Neighbor and exclaim, “I AM SINGLE AND AN ATTORNEY AND SOMETIMES I WORK FROM HOME AND WHAT ELSE WOULD YOU LIKE TO KNOW?”
7. If you have ever felt like leaving a comment and not done so, please do. I would really appreciate it.
-R.
Share ThisNosy Neighbor: Part DEUX – the return of Blank Face.
August 6th, 2011
I ran into my neighbor again yesterday afternoon. She is now curious about what I do for a living.
She said, as we got on to the elevator with Little Filthy, “Oh, your dog is so cute. Sometimes he barks at me in the morning when I leave for work and sometimes he doesn’t.” She said this last part slowly, as if testing my reaction to each word.
Sometimes he barks and sometimes he doesn’t because when I am home, I give him the evil eye for barking at noise in the hall.
I said, “He’s inconsistent.”
I don’t know why I do things like this. I could just tell her that I’m an attorney and that sometimes I work from home, but I find her indirect statements so odd that I don’t feel inclined to entertain them with the answers she is seeking.
She said, “I never see you leave for work!”
And then it happened.
I got Blank Face.
And I said in a completely vague manner, “Me, neither!”
It was just nonsense enough to give her pause while the elevator doors opened and we then began down the hallway in silence. We each unlocked our doors and I said, “Goodnight!” even though it was mid afternoon.
She probably hates me.
Share ThisSome people smell like gravy.
July 25th, 2011Some people smell like gravy.
I mean, generally, I like gravy – but there are some things that shouldn’t smell like gravy. And one of them is people. Actually, the only thing that should smell like gravy is gravy. I wouldn’t even want Little Filthy to smell like gravy.
Usually, though, things that are nice generally smell nice and things that are gross generally smell gross. Probably this means that, for the most part, the assignment of smells to certain objects if a fairly orderly affair. But then you have that odd flower that smells like rotting flesh. And, really, if you smell cheese and did not know it was cheese, you might be grossed out. And then, of course, there are those people who smell like gravy.
You know what? I’ve talked myself right out of enjoying gravy.
I’m going to now call is sauce. It’s just sauce.
Some people smell like sauce.
Share ThisI’m not funny, Nosy Neighbor, Dog Beds, Basketball Courts and Showers.
July 24th, 20111. I sometimes say things that I think are somewhat funny when really they aren’t.
This morning at the grocery store, the woman bagging my stuff said, “Do you mind if I put the shampoo in with your groceries?”
Now, first of all, it wasn’t shampoo. I got body wash for the 2nd bathroom because you can’t give guests a bar of soap. You know why? It’s just fucking gross. I mean, if I have to tell you that, then you’ve clearly never been a guest at someone’s home and gotten into the shower only to see a bar of soap staring at you with a single black, curly hair stuck on it. You follow?
Okay, so, she said, “Do you mind if I put the shampoo in with your groceries?”
I said, “No, I plan on eating the shampoo.”
She said, very softly, “…oh…”
I sort of wanted to roll my eyes or tell her I was kidding but then I figure she might as well think I’m a weirdo if she’s so gullible. I mean, life’s got harder lessons down the road for the likes of her.
2. I might have a somewhat nosy neighbor. I take some pride in not fully answering her questions. The first time I met her, she said, “Ohhh, so you’re the new neighbor! I was wondering when I’d meet you. So… are you married? or did you buy your place alone?”
I said, “I have a dog.”
Then yesterday morning, I walked in early with some bags and she said, “Oh! Did you go to the Farmers’ Market?” Which, really, I don’t get why she would think that is the only place a person goes in the morning. Instead of telling her what I did, I said, “I’m a morning person!”
Whatever.
3. Did you know that if you move and you decide not to take your bed frame and instead, you just put your mattress on the floor for a few weeks while you look for furniture..well, did you know that if you do that, your dog will think you are fucking awesome for giving him such a huge bed even if he finds it strange that you insist on sharing it with him? Little Filthy was disappointed when the bedroom furniture arrived.
My schedule has definitely changed since moving. Hence tirades like this from QTMama. I used to stay up until 1-2 a.m. regularly. Now, it hits 10 p.m. and I start to think of bed. WTF.
4. I have still not purchased living room or dining room (they are all one big room) furniture. It has been suggested by more than one person that I simply put basketball hoops up on either end and call it a day.
5. Little Filthy is completely baffled by the glass doored shower. He growls like mad when I open or close the doors. And once I am inside, when I close the doors, he somehow thinks I can no longer see him and he makes a beeline for the trashcan, getting up on his hind legs and peeking inside for goodies. I then yell, “Hey!” and about startle him to death. I really don’t get this dog.
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Just a random attorney writing about daily life with Little Filthy, my rotten dog.