Random Esquire

1. I did a double take when I saw Fresh Express today. She decided that frosted, pale green eyeshadow was the way to go. And go large. It was…jarring. I’d say it brought out her eyes but really, it just brought out her eyelids.

2. Instigator is inundated at work. Today, she walked into my office, I glanced up and the moment I saw her eyes, I said, “You’re on the edge.” I described her as standing on a pair of train tracks debating if she’d rather hurl herself in front of the train…or push other people in front of it. She said, “That’s pretty accurate.”

3. I’m coining “listyle.” It’s List + Style. And that’s how I roll, baby.  And SnarkyRunner is awesome.

4. Little Filthy had not seen Boss in quite a while but she came by for dinner last night. I let him out the door as she came down the hall so he could run down to greet her. He was so excited, he ran up and down the hallway until he literally made himself sick. You could practically hear him screaming, “Moommmmmyyy!” He got inside the loft and proceeded to open his mouth and make that *kkaakkk!* sound. You’ll see her again soon, little man.

5. I saw Plush on Friday night - the first time since my return. I think I had a dumb grin on my face much of the night.

6. Speaking of that night, The Ballerina may get a new nickname: Whiskey Dad. This is the dad who turns downright mean after a few drinks. The scene the next morning is the kids at the breakfast table, silent as mice, as Whiskey Dad makes eggs and acts like everything is normal. Meanwhile, the kids are scared to move. So, anyway - a friend was going to meet us out later that night and didn’t make it and The Ballerina let said friend know exactly how unacceptable that was through a series of drunken (and completely hilarious) voice mail messages. If only I could have recorded them to play here for your odd mixture of pleasure and cringing.

7. I have never had surgery. Is it scary?

8. While brushing my teeth a few days ago, I had an odd thought: What would I do if all the toothpaste sold out at stores? Let me explain my train of thought. My travel size toothpaste ran out while I was in Rome. I went into a store and bought some more toothpaste: Pasta del Capitano. That means The Captain’s Pasta, right? Or paste? What the hell - I clearly don’t understand Italian. Anyway - they also had Colgate. I wondered what would happen if all the Colgate in the world were bought and how much that would help the economy, both in the country in which it was sold and the U.S. Company maker. Then I wondered what would happen if all the toothpaste sold out at stores. I knew I’d be okay because I’m a CostCo addict and I’ve got no less than five full tubes. Then I wondered if I’d share it and realized that yes, I would.

What a complete waste of mental energy.

After weeks of cajoling, Instigator agreed to go a guest entry.  Enjoy! -R

* * * * * * * * *   By Instigator * * * * * * * * *

I believe the genesis of almost every great friendship can be traced back to a single moment.  A pinpoint in time when you heard the ‘ding ding ding’ in your head and realized you, and your theretofore acquaintance, were going to become great friends.  So there was this new kid at work, and after a few weeks of a welcome lunch here, a watercooler chat there, I was somewhat intrigued but not certain whether this Randomesq was true work friend material.  When we were both invited to a wedding by the office know it all (Iknow!), I looked at it as a possible opportunity to get to know RE better.  Plus, my main motivation was I wanted to meet Boss.  But first I needed to find out if RE was in, so I commenced to ichat.

Me: Hey, so did “I Know” invite you to her wedding?

RE: Yeah, I did get the invitation the other day.

Me: So, uh, have to decided, are you and Boss going??

<pause>

RE: To tell you the truth, we don’t really like weddings. We are funny that way.  So I don’t think we are going to go. You?

<pause>

Me: I don’t think I’m going either. Honestly I thought it was weird she invited me.

RE: I thought it was a little weird too.

Me: Because we’re not friends.  I’ve never even had lunch with her.  Why would she want me to go to her wedding? I wouldn’t invite her to my wedding.

RE:  I thought the exact same thing.  Doesn’t she have any real friends?

Everyone is free to plan the wedding they have always dreamed of.  But personally, I would have never thought of inviting a bunch of miscellaneous coworkers that I had never so much as had coffee with to witness my marriage.  And in that moment, when I knew RE was thinking the very same thing, I believe we both realized we would be fast friends.   In hindsight, I wish we had gone.  We missed the rare opportunity to see Fresh Express in her more formal attire.  She too was invited, and attended with her sister as her date.  One can only imagine the wealth of strangeness that we would have witnessed.   As a wedding gift, Fresh Express told me she purchased a salad spinner.  Is that too perfect or what??

1. I did not have lunch with Instigator today. This is because she is on a task-force of sorts to handle deals worth a lot of scratch. Suspiciously sounding like an honor, it is actually more of a burden which we refer to as a “big fuckin’ deal” - much like one might say “who the fuck cares.” We have an understanding. If either of us is busy and the other walks into our office, we simply give that look that says, “Get out” and the other doesn’t take it personally. Today was my day to not take it personally because Instigator was up to her neck in some big fuckin’ deal. Bah!

2. My sister sometimes says things that strike me as ridiculous. She was watching me change my niece’s diaper to make sure I was doing it right. I sprinkled some powder and my sister said, “You’re salt and peppering the baby.” Is it just me or does that strike anyone else as offensively funny in a way? Then, there was the time she said she would show her children the movie Mystic River as a cautionary tale against running away by telling them, “That’s what happens to kids who run away.” The other day, she was talking about my niece and potty training and said something like, “Getting her off of diapers is like pulling her from a line of coke.” Dude. That’s just wrong.

3. I took a sleep-aid 90 minutes ago. This is because I am trying to go to bed earlier to reset my clock before I head overseas. I typically go to bed around 1 in the morning. Bad. It is now 10 p.m. and I am still wide awake. Dumb pills. Maybe I didn’t wash them down with enough whiskey chaser.

4. I have not yet told Little Filthy that he will be staying at Chez Parents while I am gone. He…has a bit of a reputation staying with them. Sort of like a rock star at a hotel. There was the time he baked a potato on my mother’s expensive oriental rug - which my pregnant sister discovered. With her foot. Or the time he ate my father’s ear plugs…which I discovered when he returned home and promptly pooped them out…all told in a nice little picture story here.

5. I, stupidly, taught Little Filthy how to lick on command. I say, “Kiss. Do it!” in my certified broken, third half-ass language and he will run up and give my cheek a lick, after which he is rewarded with a small treat. Unfortunately, Little Filthy does not associate his obeying the command with a treat so much as the actual licking. And so if he decides he wants a treat, he’ll just lick the shit out of me. *sigh*

Instigator and I were able to enjoy the warm weather with a nice lunch outside. Later that afternoon, she came into my office and sat down in a chair opposite my desk. I looked up. She leaned over and whispered, “Guess what I just saw on her desk?” Clearly, she meant Fresh Express. I grinned. She said, “I walked over there and she has an exercise DVD on her desk!” I laughed. She said, “By the New York Ballet Company!” I laughed again.

She continued, “So, I figured, I’m going tell her that you like ballerinas, too!”

I yelled, “HEY! Oy! NO!” Instigator cackled, clearly pleased with herself.

See, this is the thing. What you don’t want - ever - is for Fresh Express to form a connection with you. Because she will take that small thing and turn it into something …uncomfortable. Like the time she was convinced that Boss and I loved fish. Or playing tennis. Or bike riding. Or when she found out that I like gadgets and she began to cut newspaper articles out for me from the newspapers at the Chicago Public Library’s Reference Section. She once gave me an article on Jet Bloat. I never figured that one out. Then, there was that one time she washed her socks in a coffee pot. She also dips her toothbrush into her a toothpaste filled contact lens case. Speaking of contacts, she wears just one corrective lens. And it is tinted. Then there were the plastic baggies on her feet. Anyway, you get my point. It’s all just bad news. And Instigator was poised to bring it all down upon me.

But there’s really nothing I can do. See, Instigator once interviewed with the CIA. She’s got some covert techniques. I’m pretty sure I might return to my office to find newspaper clippings fresh from the library about the Joffrey.

*sigh*

1. I went to lunch with Instigator today. It’s my Tuesday ritual with my work-girlfriend. I remarked that I welcomed the arrival of short skirts and heels. Instigator politely ignored me. I did not steal anyone’s lunch.

2. Dinner out tonight was great. I threw together a gathering of a bunch of people (who brought more people) and we all went to a French restaurant and indulged in great food, wine, and conversation. Plush, Benefactor, and The Ballerina came. There were ten of us in all and the conversation was lively and fun. Met some really great people. I dig it.

3. The Italian and I have been stretched to the outermost limits of our patience the last few days. I remain convinced that some of my sales people could be cut in two and they would simply re-grow like earthworms.

4. Have you ever taken a sleeping pill?

Instigator was out of town last week. She cordially sent a picture from the beach-side pool in Cabo to me, in the office. She refrained, tastefully, from sending me a picture of the butler who came with their hotel room. She returned on Monday and sent me an e-mail recapping her conversation with Fresh Express, complete with her inner thoughts, captured here for your enjoyment.

Fresh Express: “You back? From your vacation?”

Instigator: (. o O Since I’m sitting in my office, safe bet.) “Yes. It was nice.”

Fresh Express: “Really? Was it?”

Instigator: “Yes, really nice.”

<awkward silence>

Instigator: “We were in Mexico.” (. o O Will you please go away now??)

Fresh Express: “Really? It was nice, huh?”

Instigator: “Yes.”

Fresh Express: “You walk around in your bathing suit?”

Instigator: “Yes.”

Fresh Express: “Really? You’re kidding. Wow.”

Instigator: (. o O WTF?)

<more awkward silence>

Fresh Express: Did your daughter enjoy it?

Instigator: “She didn’t go; she stayed home with babysitters.”

Fresh Express: “Oh, like your regular sitter?”

Instigator: (. o O No, a stranger off the street. What do you think, crazy lady?) “Yes. She had fun, too.”

Fresh Express: “Well, sure. She’s a latchkey kid. Just like me. It’s fine - I turned out OK. I mean, what, you know? They say it’s bad but look at me. I’m fine. You know?”

Instigator: (. o O OMG. Way to make me feel guilty and terrified all at once. However, technically, she is not a latchkey kid since she is six and has no key. In any event, I’m not going to accept that she will turn out “OK” like you, you lunatic.)

<awkward silence>

“Yes.”

I have a buddy who, how shall I say this,… resembles a sunny-side up egg - in a good way. In the way that makes you think of purity and sunshine, wide-eyed and blinking. The interesting thing is that my buddy does computer forensics and is an expert in porn. New Nickname: Chris Hansen. Chris sneaks into the building at night, Mission Impossibles a hard drive from someone’s computer and then analyzes it. Is this job cool or what?

Don’t get me wrong; I’ve seen porn. I admit this. But Chris has seen…weird porn. Like a hard drive filled with images and videos of feet, slipping in and out of shoes. Some in pantyhose, some nude…Apparently, someone had a foot fetish. I didn’t know that foot fetish porn consisted of such normal activity as slipping in and out of shoes. That seems like a relatively trigger sensitive thing to live with. What if you’re in a meeting and a woman just slips off a heel? I wonder if women have foot fetishes for male feet. Somehow, I can’t imagine that but what the hell do I know?

“You know, you’ve got your standard porn. That needs no explanation. Then there’s cartoon porn. Chicks are normally perfect. Normally wearing skirts for easy access. Violent porn, which isn’t fun to watch. And then some people like animal porn.”

I thought of bestiality but I was wrong. There’s that, too, but this is like National Geographic stuff. It’s animals mating. People seriously get off on watching this? I don’t get it. I wouldn’t be surprised to come home and find Little Filthy in front of the television watching but I’d at least expect him to be modestly ashamed or something.

“You’ve got your fat people porn, humiliation and domination porn, fetish porn,…and old people porn.”

Excuse me? Chris isn’t talking about people in their 60’s. More like 80’s. Which really begs the question on if Viagra is such a good thing. Plus, do even 80 year olds like watching themselves have sex? I’m pretty sure 80 year olds wear blindfolds during sex. I’ve yet to see an 80 year old with mirrors on the ceiling. I’m thinking that the average dirty 80 year old man is putting in a video of 20 somethings and harkens back to times gone by. I want to make a blanket statement that horror movies and porn should not include anyone over the age of 60.

After hearing all of this, I had to go into the office the next morning. It made Mission Impossibling the packets of coffee from Fresh Express seem terribly, terribly dull.

*sigh*

I took some pictures of things I see on my way to and from work. Damn, I love Chicago.

1. Would you believe it takes more than 30 minutes to learn how to take a great photograph? Even with a new camera? I don’t know why I thought it would be like new shoes that made me run faster.

2. Kennedy is a fool. When he sits at his computer, his back is to his office door, monitor displayed to the world. I don’t get that. Not that I am browsing the web all day or something like that. Mainly, because Kennedy is so often browsing. Today, I walked into his office, managed to get all the way behind him and peer over his shoulder before saying, “Whatcha doin’?” He almost came unglued. He was buying a carburetor for his boat.

3. Here is something odd. Little Filthy is a pug and chihuahua mix. But his bark sounds like a German Shepard or something. He just sounds like a much bigger dog. People have told me this when they hear him bark on the phone but it was painfully obvious when I answered the door and the UPS guy said, “That’s what was barking at me?”

4. I’m having drinks after work Wednesday night with the aforementioned journalist with aspirations of law school. Apparently, she is dating an attorney and has a relationship issue. She said, “I need counsel. The advice I need has to be lawyerly.” I said that was good, as I was a lawyer. The first thing I’d advise is not to date a lawyer.

5. Has anyone ever said to you, “I need your honest opinion.”? Someone said that to me today. Again, I was tempted to blurt out, “I hate your hair,” before hearing on what they wished me to opine. I can’t help it. I just instantly get Blank Face and brace myself to upset them.

6. I’m hungry. Perpetually hungry. In fact, I’m pretty sure that if I ever got a tattoo, the only thing I could get would be the writing, “I’m hungry” because it would be the only thing I know will still be true 50 years from now. Do you have a tattoo?

1. I anticipated a stressful day today and guess what? Work did not disappoint. I closed the office door, put in ear plugs and spread contracts out in front of me. I know the ear plugs are odd - but I am easily distracted and ear plugs equal instant concentration for me. At one point, I heard a knock at my door and because Kennedy had just been in my office, I thought it was him, coming back to toss more BS back and forth. I said, “Yoooooo!” as way of telling him to come in. My senior manager walked in instead, eyebrows raised.

Awesome.

2. Okay, I am just going to say this: I would not turn down Kellie Pickler. I don’t anticipate the opportunity - I’m just saying it in a moment of weakness. Extreme weakness. (Don’t mock me.)

3. I grabbed dinner and drinks after work with Boss. We were both slightly tipsy by dinner’s end.

4. My neighbor (we went out for St. Patrick’s Day) asked me to come with her as she walked her dog tonight. I went to her condo and walked in just as she came dancing down the hallway with a glass of wine in her hand, singing Spirit in the Dark: “Tell me, my brothers, my brothers, how do you feel? Do you feel like dancing? Get up there and let’s start dancing…” I couldn’t resist. I grabbed her and we danced back down the hallway. I dig that kind of uncontrolled energy.