Speaking of ridiculous, when I took out my phone and snapped pictures of things, my mother said, “You look ridiculous.”  This is because we all took the same flight to New Jersey to see my sister.  I digress.

On to the stupid shit sold at Sky Mall.  Let’s talk about what you would think if you saw the below products in a woman’s home – and the best is last.

If you visit a woman and she has a funky toilet seat for whatever reason – just…leave.

What the hell?  Why would you want your front yard to look like a Night of the Living Dead?  The only thing that would make this funny is if a dog pooped in that thing’s mouth.

This little picture was in an ad for shoes with springs in the heels.  Seriously.  Apparently, they sky rocket you to work.  I couldn’t tell what the guy was holding in his right hand.  If you see these at a woman’s home, set her up with your sister.

I don’t even know what the HELL this is.  Like, you seriously strap the cell phone to your wrist so… that you don’t lose it?  If you see a woman with this strapped to her wrist, just forget about it. She’s too stupid to date.

LAST BUT NOT LEAST:

BOOYAH.  This is the motherload.  If you see these things… you don’t need to date this woman. You just need to have sex with her.  Because those things are *not* used to ease back pain – unless you mean ‘back pain during sex.’   If that ain’t a sex wedge, I don’t know what is.

Now, don’t get me wrong – the first thing you need to do is throw that that shit away.  Cause you don’t want to use a used sex wedge.  You just go get another one.  For every room in the house.

Share This ]]> http://randomesq.com/2010/03/22/dumb-shit-sold-at-sky-mall-but-really-sex-wedge/feed/ 19 http://randomesq.com/2009/05/14/the-dirty-truth-bugs-humble-pie-and-i-kidnap-children/ http://randomesq.com/2009/05/14/the-dirty-truth-bugs-humble-pie-and-i-kidnap-children/#comments Thu, 14 May 2009 06:04:25 +0000 Random Esquire http://randomesq.com/?p=1039 1.  I sounded pretty awesomely brave in my earlier entry on Costa Rica.  Let me work toward dispelling that image.  While in Costa Rica, Besos killed all the bugs.  I am not ashamed.  Hey, I’m rarely anything other than rational.  Grant me this.

2.  On to the bridge jumping, also mentioned in that earlier entry.  After I had climbed up the rocks and out of the water, grinning at Besos, I said to her, “I clearly jumped in to impress you with my bravery.”  She grinned.  I said, “Yup.  That was all to impress you.”  She smiled.  She politely said that she would never have done it.

From the family that was with us, the daughter and son in law jumped in the water after I did.  It was later that evening that Besos told me that she suspected, from overhearing some of the conversation, that the daughter is pregnant.

*Blink*

Lemme get this straight.  I climbed and  jumped off a bridge in the Costa Rican jungle into a swirling mass of water and congratulated myself on my bravery …

only to have a pregnant woman do it after me?

Boo!

3.  While in San Jose, Besos convinced me to eat at a little food stand in one of the markets.  Oh, and by ‘market’, I mean an open air tin building held together with bubblegum and picture wire.  And by ‘food stand’, I mean an open flame.  (Okay, sort of exaggerating… )  Two bad things happened here.  First, Besos happened to glance down she said, “I haven’t seen one of those since Mexico!”  I looked down.

…at a cockroach about 2 inches long.  I am pleased to report that I had no reaction other than to lift my feet a foot off the ground.

The second bad thing that happened was that Besos noticed a small child shoveling beans and rice in his mouth faster than the asthma kid sucks on his inhaler.  His shirt was full of holes and he was skinny as hell.  She wondered aloud, “I wonder if he’s homeless.”  I got up to pay the bill and said, “I’m going to buy him a soda.  And a sweet bread.”  I then went to the counter and tried to motion with hand signals to the boy and did he want a soda? or a pastry?  I’m making drinking motions with my hand and pointing under the counter as a sweet.

He stared at me and hardly moved.  I looked at Besos and she spoke to him in Spanish.  He hardly looked at her, eyes locked on me and then he responded to her.  I asked, “What did he say?”  She said, “That he’s not allowed to speak to strangers.”  It was about that time the boy’s father showed up and they had a whispered conversation.  The father looked at me.  I sighed.

In about 60 seconds, I went from friendly diner to creepy stranger offering soda and sweets to children.  Awesome.

1.  Runway in the jungle.

2.  Lizard.

3.  Bamboo

4.  Graffiti in San Jose.

5.  Gentleman who rowed us across a marsh (where, reportedly, a croc lived).

6.  Birds about to eat a little boy in San Jose.  heh.

1.  Our first day on the beach in Manuel Antonio (we got to the beach by hiking through the jungle where we saw our first monkey), while Besos had dreams of sipping fruity drinks and sunning herself, I volunteered us to kayak out onto the ocean and snorkel.  Did you know that Besos is afraid of the ocean and can’t tread water?  I learned it when she practically grabbed me by the neck.  A good couple hundred yards from shore, we ditched the kayaks to snorkel by some rocks.  I ditched my life jacket so I could dive down to see more fish.  I suspect Besos considered ditching me to get back in the kayak.  Oh yeah, we wiped out getting back to shore and flipped the kayak.  Yes, we’re still dating.

2.  Did I mention that we took a small puddle jumper plane from San Jose to Manuel Antonio?  Well, we did.  About 15 passengers and huge windows.  Everyone stared outside except Besos who stuck her nose in a magazine and refused to look.  heh.

3.  We decided a fun ATV trip up into the mountains/jungle would be a lot of fun.  It ends with a hike up and across some bridges to a waterfall.  Did you know that Besos didn’t know how to drive an ATV and was afraid to do so?  I didn’t either.  Oh yeah…and she’s afraid of heights.  See?  You learn things about each other when you travel together.  I rode behind her.  She took great pleasure in coating me with mud with some fast spinning back tires.  Once up the mountain a bit, we hiked up through the jungle with our guide and four other tourists – a Mexican family (parents, daughter, son-in-law).  The guide asked if we were afraid of heights.  I said no.  Besos said yes.  We continued to climb, crossing bridges over rapid creeks and jumping stones.

As we continued through the foliage, the guide again asked me if I was afraid of heights.  I again told him no.  That was about when we began crossing a bridge.  He peeled off his shirt and climbed on to the bridge and told me that we would jump…into the water below.  I peered over the edge at the rocks and water.    I grinned.   Besos sighed.

So I climbed over the bridge rail after the guide, hands gripping the bridge as I looked down and then I kicked off and jumped.  I was pretty proud of myself when I came up for air.  Then the guide said, “Now, we will climb the bridge and jump from the top of that.  You’ll see the difference.”

Well, I’m not gonna lie.  It was different.  Besos filmed it this time as I climbed on top of the wood bridge, shook my arm in the air in triumph and then leaped.

The best part?  On the tape, you can hear the Mexican mother and Besos speaking and when I hit the water…the woman screams.  When I watched the tape, I asked Besos what the woman had said.  She said that the woman had said, “Look at your friend!” and then Besos calmly responded and told her that yes, I was crazy.  And then I jumped.

Dude.

Kick.

ASS.

2. Squirrel Wife peels her almonds before she eats them. I don’t know if they are like apples and potatoes and she’s therefore missing out on vitamins so I didn’t comment.

3. Besos went swimming the other night. She sent me a text message to let me know she was going to lick some old people. Almost afraid of her response, I texted back, “lick?” She responded “kick.” Apparently, no one was staying in his or her own lane. One slip of the finger and a whole new meaning.

4. QTMama wants everyone with a penis to play with her hair.

5.  Excessive punctuation causes a visceral reaction in me.  It isn’t good.

6.  Besos and I are going to try a Costa Rican restaurant this week.  I’m not entirely sure why since, in about 10 days, we will actually be in Costa Rica.  Speaking of – I asked Besos what she was most looking forward to with respect to our upcoming vacation.

She said, “Going with you.”

*Blink*

That response caused a mad scramble in my brain to come up with an equally sensitive response to this question.  It must have showed on my face because she said, “What were you going to say?”

I said, “Uhhhh…I was looking forward to the hotel management asking you to keep it down.”

She said:

“that, too.”

*crosses Tokyo off list of places to take Besos on vacation*

Random: Do you have a dog?

Niece: Yes.

Random: What’s his name?

Niece: Silk.

*pause*

Random: Do you have a cat?

Niece:  Yes.

Random:  What’s her name?

Niece:  Silky Silky.

*Blink*

I looked at my sister and she rolled her eyes, “We really have no idea how this happened.”  My sister imposed a rule that I was not to encourage these imaginary friends.  I asked why not.  She said she doesn’t want her daughter to be seven years old and saving space at the lunch table for Comedy.

I told my mother that the kids were baptized.  My sister asked if she (my mother) was happy about that.  I said yes, she was relieved that my sister was no longer raising heathens.  My sister said dryly, “Oh yes…they’ve been washed of their Original Sin. I can totally tell.”

heh.

So, the baptism.  I didn’t understand a word of it.  Okay, that’s not entirely fair but this was a priest whose presence at the church on a Saturday afternoon was paid for with a generous donation to his mission in Sri Lanka.  He not only had an accent but he was pretty determined to have this thing over in 15 minutes.  I’m pretty sure I denounced or renounced Satan and all his empty promises while also promising to make sure the kids grew up Christian.  I figure I’m already in trouble on that one since the first thing I did was ask my niece if Katchoo and Comedy enjoyed the Baptism as well.

Welcome to the family.

Sister:  Two perfect children, one girl, one boy.

Random: Little Filthy, dog that eats own poo.

Sister:  “I’ll be flying in from a quick business trip on the day you arrive but it won’t take me long to get home because I’ll be on the corporate jet.”

Random:  “Damn, where did I put my CTA (Chicago public transportation) card??”

Sister:  “The driver will pick you up from the airport.”

Random:  “Damn! Where is that freakin’ card??”

Sister:  “The nanny will be there with the children.”

Random:  “Oh, don’t try to take his toy away!  He’ll hump it.”

Sister:  Daughter currently speaks 3 languages.  She’s 2 1/2.

Random:  Dog currently knows how to not listen in one language.  He’s 4.

The kids are going to be baptized on Saturday.  You may recall, it is going to be a Black Market Baptism, with the Priest who is going all out Sarah Palin style and going rogue to do the baptism on the side.  I wonder if I’m not supposed to look him in the eye.

With that, I’m off to take Little Filthy to stay with his grandparents.  I won’t even go into the worries I have about his behavior while there.  I fully expect him to lay an egg on the dining room rug, eat everything he finds, and leave hairballs in his wake.

More news from NJ shortly!

*blink*

I’m not judgin’. I’m just sayin’.

2. Despite crawling through my front door very late on Sunday, I managed to get to the office on Monday morning and take The Ballerina to dinner that night. After we watched some TV and I dropped her off at home, I think I’d been awake about 50 hours straight. Anyway, back to my point – when making dinner plans with The Ballerina, she sent me a text that said she was buying perfume. At dinner, I learned that it was her “Summer perfume.” I must have looked puzzled because she told me that she buys a new perfume for each season. She shoved a wrist across the table and I smelled. I admit. She smelled nice. You know, it’s sort of ridiculous that I find these high maintenance habits charming in a person.

3. While in Italy, I was rather aggressively approached by someone who, in a not so subtle manner, suggested making love for two hours. A complete stranger, mind you. This was in front of a group of people who broke out into wide grins and watched my awkward handling of the situation. Had it been someone else *cough* in Italy, I’d have gladly grabbed her hand and ran off to the nearest dark corner but, as it was….not so much.

4. Since I returned from Europe, I have a new goal: I am going to become an alcoholic. I realize this is setting the bar rather low for most attorneys but as someone who just doesn’t drink much, I now realize that it wasn’t for any other reason other than I’d been drinking the wrong thing. Now, however, I have seen the light. By 10 a.m. this morning, I’d purchased a 12 pack of Erdinger Weisbier and Warsteiner Dunkel. Nothing will quite recapture Switzerland, Austria or Germany but I’ll give it a go. Maybe I should ask Plush to wear this:

Paris, France – I want to move here and marry a French woman. Highlight: Musee D’Orsay was more than I expected.

Beaune, France – Tried wines in underground caves/tunnels below a convent.

Switzerland – Paragliding in the Alps. Also, discovered that I love Dunkle Perle.

Austria – Down a luge and hiking through the Alps across the border into Germany and going to Neuschwanstein Castle. Austrian women prove to be…better than expected.

Venice – Managed to convince someone to give me a poster advertising a movie festival. Got yelled at by three Italian women as I tried to pry off a poster about dance for The Ballerina. Night gondola ride proves actually rather cool.

Florence – Stayed at a Tuscan Villa straight out of a movie. Ridiculously charming.

Rome – Oy, where to begin. This city captured me. Everything about Rome was…fascinating and charming. Including the women.

In fact, especially the women.