Random Esquire

I fully admit that I look through the entire SkyMall catalog when on an airplane.  Why? Because it’s ridiculous.  It has some seriously ridiculous stuff.

Speaking of ridiculous, when I took out my phone and snapped pictures of things, my mother said, “You look ridiculous.”  This is because we all took the same flight to New Jersey to see my sister.  I digress.

On to the stupid shit sold at Sky Mall.  Let’s talk about what you would think if you saw the below products in a woman’s home – and the best is last.

If you visit a woman and she has a funky toilet seat for whatever reason – just…leave.

What the hell?  Why would you want your front yard to look like a Night of the Living Dead?  The only thing that would make this funny is if a dog pooped in that thing’s mouth.

This little picture was in an ad for shoes with springs in the heels.  Seriously.  Apparently, they sky rocket you to work.  I couldn’t tell what the guy was holding in his right hand.  If you see these at a woman’s home, set her up with your sister.

I don’t even know what the HELL this is.  Like, you seriously strap the cell phone to your wrist so… that you don’t lose it?  If you see a woman with this strapped to her wrist, just forget about it. She’s too stupid to date.

LAST BUT NOT LEAST:

BOOYAH.  This is the motherload.  If you see these things… you don’t need to date this woman. You just need to have sex with her.  Because those things are *not* used to ease back pain – unless you mean ‘back pain during sex.’   If that ain’t a sex wedge, I don’t know what is.

Now, don’t get me wrong – the first thing you need to do is throw that that shit away.  Cause you don’t want to use a used sex wedge.  You just go get another one.  For every room in the house.

Below are a few pictures – click to see the full size (for some reason, this doesn’t work with all of them).

1.  Runway in the jungle.

2.  Lizard.

3.  Bamboo

4.  Graffiti in San Jose.

5.  Gentleman who rowed us across a marsh (where, reportedly, a croc lived).

6.  Birds about to eat a little boy in San Jose.  heh.

On the topic of eating people…Issei Sagawa.  Japanese dude.  Killed and ate a girl in Paris.  Now lives in Tokyo.  He did an interview – he’s done many and written more than a few books about the experience (one entitled Excuse Me for Living) – in which he giggles over the fact that he’s crazy…while he shows the reporter a picture of himself hunched over a naked body with a knife and fork in his hands.  Yup, clip included (NSFW).  His bit begins at 1:13.

*crosses Tokyo off list of places to take Besos on vacation*

I spent the weekend in New Jersey with my sister.  Her daughter, my niece, is 2 1/2.  Niece said something that caught my ear and I asked my sister, “Does she have an imaginary friend?”  Turns out she has two and also two imaginary pets.  Her friends are named Katcho and Comedy.  No lie.  I wondered about the pets names.

Random: Do you have a dog?

Niece: Yes.

Random: What’s his name?

Niece: Silk.

*pause*

Random: Do you have a cat?

Niece:  Yes.

Random:  What’s her name?

Niece:  Silky Silky.

*Blink*

I looked at my sister and she rolled her eyes, “We really have no idea how this happened.”  My sister imposed a rule that I was not to encourage these imaginary friends.  I asked why not.  She said she doesn’t want her daughter to be seven years old and saving space at the lunch table for Comedy.

I told my mother that the kids were baptized.  My sister asked if she (my mother) was happy about that.  I said yes, she was relieved that my sister was no longer raising heathens.  My sister said dryly, “Oh yes…they’ve been washed of their Original Sin. I can totally tell.”

heh.

So, the baptism.  I didn’t understand a word of it.  Okay, that’s not entirely fair but this was a priest whose presence at the church on a Saturday afternoon was paid for with a generous donation to his mission in Sri Lanka.  He not only had an accent but he was pretty determined to have this thing over in 15 minutes.  I’m pretty sure I denounced or renounced Satan and all his empty promises while also promising to make sure the kids grew up Christian.  I figure I’m already in trouble on that one since the first thing I did was ask my niece if Katchoo and Comedy enjoyed the Baptism as well.

Welcome to the family.

I’m going to go visit my sister in New Jersey.  Let me draw a little distinction between me and my sister.

Sister:  Two perfect children, one girl, one boy.

Random: Little Filthy, dog that eats own poo.

Sister:  “I’ll be flying in from a quick business trip on the day you arrive but it won’t take me long to get home because I’ll be on the corporate jet.”

Random:  “Damn, where did I put my CTA (Chicago public transportation) card??”

Sister:  “The driver will pick you up from the airport.”

Random:  “Damn! Where is that freakin’ card??”

Sister:  “The nanny will be there with the children.”

Random:  “Oh, don’t try to take his toy away!  He’ll hump it.”

Sister:  Daughter currently speaks 3 languages.  She’s 2 1/2.

Random:  Dog currently knows how to not listen in one language.  He’s 4.

The kids are going to be baptized on Saturday.  You may recall, it is going to be a Black Market Baptism, with the Priest who is going all out Sarah Palin style and going rogue to do the baptism on the side.  I wonder if I’m not supposed to look him in the eye.

With that, I’m off to take Little Filthy to stay with his grandparents.  I won’t even go into the worries I have about his behavior while there.  I fully expect him to lay an egg on the dining room rug, eat everything he finds, and leave hairballs in his wake.

More news from NJ shortly!

1. While in Paris, a conversation struck up amongst us Americans about bidets. One young woman said that her friend at home in Michigan had a bidet …and that said friend’s teenage daughter loved it.

*blink*

I’m not judgin’. I’m just sayin’.

2. Despite crawling through my front door very late on Sunday, I managed to get to the office on Monday morning and take The Ballerina to dinner that night. After we watched some TV and I dropped her off at home, I think I’d been awake about 50 hours straight. Anyway, back to my point – when making dinner plans with The Ballerina, she sent me a text that said she was buying perfume. At dinner, I learned that it was her “Summer perfume.” I must have looked puzzled because she told me that she buys a new perfume for each season. She shoved a wrist across the table and I smelled. I admit. She smelled nice. You know, it’s sort of ridiculous that I find these high maintenance habits charming in a person.

3. While in Italy, I was rather aggressively approached by someone who, in a not so subtle manner, suggested making love for two hours. A complete stranger, mind you. This was in front of a group of people who broke out into wide grins and watched my awkward handling of the situation. Had it been someone else *cough* in Italy, I’d have gladly grabbed her hand and ran off to the nearest dark corner but, as it was….not so much.

4. Since I returned from Europe, I have a new goal: I am going to become an alcoholic. I realize this is setting the bar rather low for most attorneys but as someone who just doesn’t drink much, I now realize that it wasn’t for any other reason other than I’d been drinking the wrong thing. Now, however, I have seen the light. By 10 a.m. this morning, I’d purchased a 12 pack of Erdinger Weisbier and Warsteiner Dunkel. Nothing will quite recapture Switzerland, Austria or Germany but I’ll give it a go. Maybe I should ask Plush to wear this:

I realize it may be terribly boring to listen to vacation stories so I will keep them to a minimum. Here’s where I went and a highlight from each:

Paris, France – I want to move here and marry a French woman. Highlight: Musee D’Orsay was more than I expected.

Beaune, France – Tried wines in underground caves/tunnels below a convent.

Switzerland – Paragliding in the Alps. Also, discovered that I love Dunkle Perle.

Austria – Down a luge and hiking through the Alps across the border into Germany and going to Neuschwanstein Castle. Austrian women prove to be…better than expected.

Venice – Managed to convince someone to give me a poster advertising a movie festival. Got yelled at by three Italian women as I tried to pry off a poster about dance for The Ballerina. Night gondola ride proves actually rather cool.

Florence – Stayed at a Tuscan Villa straight out of a movie. Ridiculously charming.

Rome – Oy, where to begin. This city captured me. Everything about Rome was…fascinating and charming. Including the women.

In fact, especially the women.

1. I was invited to a cocktail party at the Chicago Opera House tomorrow night – to the 2008 Gala of the Alliance Francaise de Chicago, in support of this non-profit organization that promotes film, music, theater, literature, cooking and all things l’art de vivre. Providing food and drink at the dinner will be The Ritz Paris, L’Ecole Ritz Escoffier, Colin Field & the Hemingway Bar, and Djordje Varda & l’Atelier Floral du Ritz. I have not yet decided if I will attend but if I do, it will be to people watch as the National Restaurant Association gathering is here in Chicago this weekend and there will surely be some notables about.

2. I have spent much of the past week concentrating on finalizing work issues and packing for my trip. In the upcoming weeks, I will go to France, Switzerland, Austria, Germany and Italy. I am looking forward to a bit of adventure and, of course, a bit of trouble. This will be the longest vacation I have ever taken and the first I have taken alone in many years. It is…thrilling.

3. I have a very nice next door neighbor. Last summer, she gave me a potted geranium for my patio. I suspect this may have been because her patio was an array of many colored geraniums and mine looks positively dreadful next to it. My only decoration is a grill. I might plant some fresh herbs this year. But really, I can’t be bothered much with plants or flowers. I don’t get it. Tonight, she knocked on my door and gave me a very nice fold out chair for my patio. She said she had three and simply didn’t have the room. This means I will be able to work, reclined out in the sunshine, with my laptop. I will be sure to find her something nice while I am traveling.

4. The reigns to the blog will be handed over to Plush while I am away. I imagine that with the multitude of internet cafes, I may post something but I haven’t decided if this should also be a vacation away from even this, my favorite hobby. I had no reservations about turning things over to Plush but after a few reassurances from her that she would not do certain things…then I began to think about it. But, I simply do not care. I trust her and hope she scandalizes you all.

1.   Easter is low-key at the Random household.  I explained it all to Little Filthy. “Jesus, cave, blah blah, third day, blah, stone rolled away, blah blah, if he sees his shadow, there are six more weeks of winter.”

2.  Someone, please talk me out of trying to make duck confit.  I really don’t need to do that.  Last week, a law school buddy asked me, “Hey, remember when you made your own sausage?” Let me recommend against that right now.  Fortunately, I now live in downtown Chicago and can get fresh, good sausage at many locations.  I dig cooking and every so often, I will get it in my head that I need to make something from scratch.  I made falafel once.  Spare yourself the garlicky trouble.

3. The next few months will put me in NYC, DC, France, Switzerland and Italy. Go, go, travel Random.

4. Are the Italians having different sex than the rest of us? I ask because every day, multiple people find my blog by doing a Google search on “Italian sex.”  Well, I guess I will be in Italy shortly enough.  I’ll report back on the situation.

5.  Talk about your single kid Easters…I’m going to stuff a pepper with whatever is leftover in my fridge.

I decided to read Lonesome Dove by Larry McMurtry.  He won the 1986 Pulitzer for the book.  In truth, I’m listening to the audio book from audible.com.  The book chronicles a cattle drive from Texas to Montana.

I’d heard of the book/movie but it never occurred to me to read it until I was poking around for my next download on audible and saw that it was 36 hours and the reviews were fantastic.  As I like to get bang for my buck, I decided to give it a go.  I’m about three hours into it and I have to say, it’s pretty damn funny.

I didn’t expect that.  I know I’ve grinned at something while listening on the train and probably looked like a subway-weirdo.  It’s nothing like I expected or anything like what I typically read.  My standard fare is legal thriller, murder mystery, suspense, espionage, etc.  My last book was The Janson Directive by Robert Ludlum.

I think the book strikes the same cord in me that drives me to watch Deadliest Catch.  Smoking, calloused hands, the most important possession is a good pair of boots, cooking from rations, all of that.  Sort of intrigues the reckless and adventurous side in me.

I want to seriously start planning a very adventurous trip to Vietnam and Thailand not only with respect to travel plans but also how fit I am for some physical exertion.  So, I just hired a trainer for the next six months.  I better be able to scale a mountain in 100% humidity and 100 degree heat as well as hold my breath underwater for 2 minutes after this.