1.  There is an ad that runs during the Today Show.  It is for women’s panties called “Vanishing Edge” and the ad says that they have “patented stay-put technology.”

Now, I’m just going to assume that means they stay in place.  That makes some sense to me.  But calling it “stay-put technology” is a little like ..well, it isn’t like a prostitute leaving chocolates on your pillow but it’s definitely more to-do than called for.

2.  Blagojevich has a 7% approval rating.  I don’t find that low number remarkable – what I want to know is who the hell makes up that 7%.

3.  Little Filthy ate string or twine or something like that.  I do not know where he got it but it is exiting his system.  Slowly. Scissors have been required.

4.  I’m trying to drink port again.  I bought a better port and this one doesn’t taste like alcoholic raisin juice.  It’s a step in the right direction.

5.  Britney Spears is getting vaguely hot again.  I’m telling you, it really f*cks with my head.

6.  I think it’s time for another food picture post.

7.  I made cranberry sauce.  Why? Because I didn’t have any on Thanksgiving.  Do you know how hard it is to actually use up cranberry sauce when you don’t have turkey leftovers?  Well, let me tell you:  it’s hard.

8.  The funny thing about that journalist throwing shoes at President Bush is that everyone simply paused and politely waited while he leaned back down to get his other shoe to hurl.  Security FAIL.  Common Courtesy FTW!

9.  My family is not big into the holidays.  Or traditions.  Or celebrating.  Or even loving each other, really.  Okay, I made up that last one.  My mother did always decorate for Christmas and make cookies and we’d go look at lights and people singing about how it’s such a great time of the year and all that crap – but my sister and I just never quite bought it.  I will not be a Scrooge, however, because Besos seems to like Christmas and I am hoping it rubs off on me.

10.  Sitcom’s dog has his own blog.  My personal favorite entry?

Stoned Pants

Besos got the oil changed in her car today.  She promptly went home and sent me a text message to say that she was watching porn.  I said, “That’s how I celebrate all of my oil changes.  You should see what I do when I get my tires rotated.”  She’d had a bummed out day and decided that watching porn would cheer her up.  I mentioned that she could watch porn to cheer me up, as well.

We then had a conversation about porn.  Before I go into that, I’d like to note that two things really bother me about porn:

1) listening to some dude breathe through his teeth

and

2) all the spitting that goes on.

First, dude, it’s obvious you’re enjoying yourself.  But you’re making porn…and the point is for me to enjoy myself.  So I don’t want to listen to you hiss air through your teeth the entire time.  It distracts me from the woman.  Okay?

Second…there’s an awful lot of spitting that goes on in porn.  I’ve never spit on a woman.  On any part of a woman.  I’m pretty sure it might earn me a less than favorable reaction.  That’s not to say that spit doesn’t have its place and, indeed, uses in the act…just, you know, I’m not insulting her genitalia like it’s my evil step-father’s grave so I don’t spit on it like it offends me.  But I digress.

So we talked about porn and Besos saw fit to give me this tidbit:  “I just wish they’d skip the storyline and cut to the chase.”  I’m sure I laughed or paused or something because then she said in an informational librarian tone:  “Pornos have these…weak storylines…”

I said, “I love how you’re telling me this.”

I had earlier mentioned some movies I had DVR’d.  Most of them were action flicks.  Besos said, “I’ll make a deal with you.  I’ll watch those movies with you if you watch porn with me.”

*Blink*

Dude.  For reals?  How about this….you can throat punch me and I’ll watch porn with you.  Or you can poke me in the eye and I’ll watch porn with you.  Or you can give me papercuts between my fingers…and I’ll watch porn with you.  Is this really something we need to negotiate?

Okay, bedroom secret time.  You know how common sayings are particularly funny when they come out of the mouth of someone with English as a second language and they are used in a slightly unusual way?  Well, sometimes, after I’ve chased Besos around the couch a number of times and captured her on more than one occassion, she will clap her hands over herself and say, “CLOSED FOR BUSINESS. I am CLOSED FOR BUSINESS.”

Which really makes me laugh.

Anyway, so spill it.  Lay a bedroom secret on me.

p.s.  I discussed with Besos before posting this.  I’m not entirely stupid, for God’s sake.

I’m going to go visit my sister in New Jersey.  Let me draw a little distinction between me and my sister.

Sister:  Two perfect children, one girl, one boy.

Random: Little Filthy, dog that eats own poo.

Sister:  “I’ll be flying in from a quick business trip on the day you arrive but it won’t take me long to get home because I’ll be on the corporate jet.”

Random:  “Damn, where did I put my CTA (Chicago public transportation) card??”

Sister:  “The driver will pick you up from the airport.”

Random:  “Damn! Where is that freakin’ card??”

Sister:  “The nanny will be there with the children.”

Random:  “Oh, don’t try to take his toy away!  He’ll hump it.”

Sister:  Daughter currently speaks 3 languages.  She’s 2 1/2.

Random:  Dog currently knows how to not listen in one language.  He’s 4.

The kids are going to be baptized on Saturday.  You may recall, it is going to be a Black Market Baptism, with the Priest who is going all out Sarah Palin style and going rogue to do the baptism on the side.  I wonder if I’m not supposed to look him in the eye.

With that, I’m off to take Little Filthy to stay with his grandparents.  I won’t even go into the worries I have about his behavior while there.  I fully expect him to lay an egg on the dining room rug, eat everything he finds, and leave hairballs in his wake.

More news from NJ shortly!

1.  My niece saw raisins for the first time last week.  She picked up the bowl and took it to my sister and said, “These grapes are dead.”

My sister called me two nights ago.  I answered the phone and heard my niece say, “Hello!”  My sister said, in the background, “Tell Random what you did today.”  Niece said, “I got a haircut.”  I said, “Oh! That’s great. Getting a haircut is great!”  My sister said, “Tell Random who cut your hair.”

She said, “I did.”

I burst out laughing.  I said, “Ohhh, that’s just for grownups.  Only grownups cut hair.  You’re not going to do that again, are you?”

She paused and said, “I don’t know.  I might.”

God, I love how honest kids are.

2.  I had bacon in my fridge so I decided to make breakfast for dinner last night.  Except I didn’t want eggs.  Then it hit me…I had tomato and some Boston lettuce.  BLT!  I’m a dry sandwich eater.  No mayo or mustard or whatever.  But on a BLT?  You need mayo.  I found a squeeze bottle of Hellman’s that had about one tablespoon used out of the entire thing.  Anddddd it expired 8 months ago.   Then I found some Miracle Whip.  Guess what?  November 5, 2008!  TWO MORE DAYS!

And it occurs to me…BLTs are the only sandwich on which I’m not tempted to slap on a slice of cheese.  I wonder why that is?  That made me think of hamburgers and how I really don’t understand the point unless it has a slice of cheese on it.  I’ve never had cheese on a slice of apple pie.  Who the hell came up with that one?  Though, now that I think about it, I do normally have slices of apples or pears to serve along with bread and cheese when drinking wine.  Still, cheese on apple pie seems odd to me.

3.  You know who isn’t impressed with this Standard Time?  Little Filthy.  He began protesting at 3 o’clock yesterday.  By 4:30, he was still demonstrating so I gave in and fed him.  He’s in for a harsh reality today when I get home after 5.  Of course, he’s going to watch the polls all day so he may not notice.

1.  You may recall that The Ballerina is known for saying things no one else would say.  The other day, we were talking about bosses and managing people and how it can be difficult and she said this:

“Yeah…you gotta own that shit…

…like a lazy eye.”

*Blink*

I think I coughed on my coffee.

2.  The Italian and his girlfriend have parted ways.  We were discussing this and somehow, the topic of faces came up.  (You know…like, how women have 75 different looks and 73 of them mean stop what you’re doing right now.)  The Italian said he has a face.  I asked what it was.  He said, “The please fuck me face.  It’s a look that says, ‘Please fuck me. I would be oh-so-appreciative if you would.’”  Then he laughed until he coughed.

3.  I think I’m finally ready to date seriously.  Those of you who know me know that I’ve sort of fought it tooth and nail but that’s over.  And I’m pretty damn happy about that.  Obviously, though, my behavior had to change.  While on the phone with Besos tonight, we were laughing about how I’ve just become comfortable with the idea of dating seriously.

I said, “You broke me!”

She said, with a fair bit of indignation, “What did you say?”

I said, “I said you broke me!”

She snorted and said, “No…I fixed you.”

Do you ever hear a song and for some odd reason, you recognize it and it strikes you right then as awesome?  And you want to play it for your friends and say, “Remember this song? It’s awesome.”  And you go purchase it on iTunes and then a month later, you’re like, “Seriously?”

Seriously.  Welcome to my latest download: Kenny Loggin’s  Whenever I call you “friend”

Sweet love’s showin’ us a heavenly light
Never seen such a beautiful sight
See love glowing on us every night
I know forever we’ll be doing it, doing it

WTF.

Skip to 1:06 or 2:57 to see what’s going through my head.  Is that the most ridiculous video you’ve ever seen?

Honestly, I might have been better off pondering toothpaste and Dolly Parton.

1.  I like my job a lot but I think it’s funny that sometimes, I honestly have the cliched thought of, “Thank God it’s Friday.”   I don’t know why that surprises me since it’s such a common sentiment that an entire chain of restaurants is named after it.  Drew Carey said, “Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so?  There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.”

2.   I watched the Republican National Convention last night with a group of friends.  When I expressed that I would shag Palin, I got looks of horror.  Now, see here, people, I’m not saying I’d marry the woman.  There’s a general rule:  F*ck down, Marry up.  Okay?  I just wanna shag her a little.  That’s all.  I AM NOT IMMUNE.

3.   Have you ever spent some time with your parents and gotten this brief glimpse of some personality characteristic that you suddenly realize is only going to magnify as they get older?  And it scares the crap out of you?

1. Did you know you could buy a $1,700 harmonica from Amazon? It looks like a hole punch on a diet.  Then there’s this one for $460 that looks like a 3-D asterisk.  Are you kidding me, people?  It’s a harmonica.  Like, the instrument known for being most often acquired off of dead soldiers and being carried around in a back pocket.

Ooo, why do I want a Snoopy Jaw Harp?  6 bucks, people!  SIX BUCKS.  Speaking of Snoopy, I have a Walter Mitty complex.

2.  I had dinner last night with Boss.  She told me about her first day of class.  She had a kid named Henry who refused to listen to her no matter how many times she called to/on him.  Turns out… his name is Lorenzo.  She also lost one kid and had a mild panic attack before finding him behind the bookshelf, listening to the mini search party discuss where he might be. When she told her class that electronics were not allowed and to leave their Nintendo DS at home as well as their PSP, one student said, “And guns? Guns aren’t allowed either, right?”  She teaches kindergarten.  She said, “Yes…that’s correct…no guns.”  Another kid piped up, “Or cigarettes.”

3.   Okay, look, people.  I’m a democrat.  I have a great deal of respect for what McCain did and went through while a POW in Vietnam.  I do not plan to vote for him. And his choice of Palin surprised me.

BUT.

I won’t lie.

I might do her after a few drinks.

And I mean both of us would have had to have a few drinks.  Enough so that she slurs her words so I don’t understand the rhetoric coming out of her mouth and enough so that I don’t care if her vagina is a republican or a democrat.

So!  I got the rare opportunity to have a Press Pass to the taping of Oprah’s Season Premiere featuring all of the Olympic athletes.  Not being a dunce…I said, “Hell yeah.”  I was at Millennium Park by 6:45 a.m. to check in and stand in the press pit, awaiting the athletes.  Below, you can see some of the photos I shot.

More photos after the cut. (more…)

Why in the world would anyone think that a night out with QTMama would be anything less than adventurous?

1.  If you ever have the good fortune to meet QTMama, you should know something upfront.  If you trip and fall down, she will laugh for 10 minutes before asking if you’re okay.  Jenn, her best friend, had warned me of this.  And, unfortunately, Jenn took a tumble while we were walking around that first night and true to her word, QT burst out laughing and could not stop.  And the truth is, it’s kind of infectious.  Later that night, we saw a girl try to enter a cab and she completely bit it, hitting the pavement and letting out a small cry as she fell.  QT burst out laughing no less than 10 feet away. And that caused everyone around to start laughing.  It’s really quite a thing to see.  Last night, while out dancing, a guy completely did a face plant on the dance floor and QT almost came unglued because while she’d see the guy sprawled on the floor, she missed the actual fall.  Nonetheless,…she laughed.  heh.

And then I realized that I don’t remember the last time I saw someone trip and fall at all and yet, in under 48 hours with QT, I saw three people bite it.  WTF.

2.  QTMama and her friend Jenn coaxed me into going to a strip club.  We knew nothing about this place but we went.  Adventure, right?  We went and the guy behind the counter said that each person pays $30.  For a room.  Minimum tip was $5 or “your girl” won’t dance.  And “everything” was $75.  We backed out slowly.

3.  We were hanging out in a bar at a table with a group of people we’d met earlier in the evening and someone finally asked the question…”How do you guys know each other?”  QTMama responded by telling them that I was her attorney.  I then asked QTMama if she’d called her parole officer before leaving the state.  She said no.  This garnered some quiet interest.  At one point, QTMama stepped away from the table and I leaned over to one of the guys and said, “You want to know what she did?”  He nodded eagerly.  I whispered, “Her husband cheated on her. So she stabbed him. But it didn’t kill him.”

I like that telling a complete lie about how QT stabbed someone was preferable to bothering to explain the whole blogging connection.