I feel a little like this dog looks and it is ironic because I feel this way because other people have lost their temper, lost their shit, lost their control.

And I’m just done with it.

I sometimes have trouble sleeping. I just… don’t have the urge to sleep until the wee morning hours and then, I sleep fitfully. Not all the time, mind you. The last three nights, I’ve had a solid 8 hours of sleep without any problem. But sometimes, it just doesn’t seem to be clicking. When that most recently happened, I decided to take Ambien.

I had some great warnings on Twitter.

“I once Ambien-sleep-walked.”

“I Ambien-sleep-ate!”

My personal favorite: “I Ambien-joined Match.com.”

But what surprised me the most were the dire warnings “not to fight it.” I was told to turn off the lights and rest in bed.

“Don’t fight it! Go to bed!”

“If you fight it, bad things happen.”

I don’t get this. I mean, what’s the point of a goddamn sleeping pill if it doesn’t knock me on my ass? If I was willing to just go to bed and rest there, I wouldn’t need this pill. Capiche? I want to be made sleepy. I want to want to go to bed. I want to be as sleepy as I remember being in church when I was a teenager. You know. Church Sleepy. God, seriously, was there ever a more sleepy sleepy than Church Sleepy?? Christ, if I could go to church right now, I’d sleep like the dead.

But seriously, some things aren’t worth selling your soul for.

I digress.

I complained to Instigator that I feel that a drug is sort of bullshit if I can just beat it with my mind. I mean, if all it takes to defeat Ambien is simply not wanting to go to sleep, how great a drug can it be? She politely informed me that not resting after taking Ambien is like taking aspirin for a headache and then banging your head against the wall and still expecting the aspirin to work. You have to help the drug work.

I told her that I want to be knocked on my ass and put down for a nap like I’ve had it coming. I want to be passed out asleep against my will. I want this shit to be magic.

She said, “Oh. What you want is Propofol.”

YES.

Is that jackass Conrad Murray in jail or is he still for hire?

“Would you fuck Jennifer Lopez?“

Let’s see how this goes.

EDITOR

RE: Would you fuck Jennifer Lopez?

Editor: J-Lo? hmmm, i mean, right NOW?  yes, because, like, I wouldn’t turn it down. But I need more. What’s the context here?

RE: WHAT THE FUCK.

Editor: Dude.

RE: I MEAN SERIOUSLY?

Editor: j-lo. well. Give me the context. You mean as opposed to NOT fucking J-LO if I had the chance?

RE: YOU IS NAKED IN A ROOM. WITH JLO.

Editor: she’s not disease riddled, right?

RE: AND SHE WANT TO FUCK. THERE’S YOUR CONTEXT.

Editor: then yes. J-Lo circa 1998. J-Lo circa 2011 is old and has kids. and has been fucking what’s his name. her husband. marc antony.

RE: I’m fucking dying laughing.

Editor: Like…Pre-Affleck J-Lo? Totes.

RE: Lemme get this straight. You might turn down J-Lo cause some other ugly dick been in her?

Editor: fine. yes. i’d bang j-lo.

THE NAMBY PAMBY

RE: Would you fuck Jennifer Lopez?

NP: Probably? I mean, there are a lot of factors to consider. like, would that be like sticking certain parts of my body into a garbage disposal/blender

RE: WTF.

NP: she is attractive. and i am presently operating under the “beggars cannot be choosers” mantra at the moment. so. THERE.

RE: JESUS.

NP: WILL SHE LOVE ME BACK. CAN I BE THE SMALL SPOON

RE: I can’t even look at you, man. Are you fucking J-Lo or are you being a mangina? *STARE*

NP: OH THE DEATH ST…AHHHHH  AHHHH NOOOOOOOOO!

RE: ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? Like, seriously, she’s in a room naked. wants you.  YOU WOULD TURN HER DOWN?

NP: Clearly this will never happen. but probably not.

RE: You are such an asshole. I’m laughing so hard. LISTEN, ASSHOLE. I am here to TELL YOU that if you were in a room with your boxers down  and JLO grabbed hold, YOU WOULD NOT TURN IT DOWN. I mean, it could be fucking JOE from FACTS OF LIFE and you might be okay with that shit. SO LET ME ASK YOU ONCE AGAIN, BROTHER. WOULD YOU FUCK JLO?

NP: this is Jenny from the Block, right?

RE: YES.

NP: I mean, she’s married.

RE: I’m going to slug you. Like, straight up fucking slug you. YES OR NO.

NP: yeah, probably.

LEGALLY FABULOUS

So, then I decided to share this conversation with Legally Fabulous.

RE: Get a load of this shit. I’m sending you two conversations.

<Pause while Legally Fabulous reads the conversation>

LF: god. they’re such retards.

RE: Right? listen up, white boy, you’d let her WRECK YOU. but for some reason, it cracks me the fuck up that those two idiots were like: “well, tell me more.” I mean, REALLY? Do you need more?

LF: lol. right. like if you asked me “would you fuck Justin Timberlake?” “yes.” the end. THERE ARE NO FACTORS TO CONSIDER.

RE: THANK YOU.

CONCLUSION

Those two assholes would fuck J-L0.

I’d fuck J-Lo.

Legally Fab would fuck Justin Timberlake.

Any questions?

Share This ]]> http://randomesq.com/2011/05/06/three-assholes-talking-randomesq-editor-and-nambypamby/feed/ 15 http://randomesq.com/2011/03/26/bumping-animal-balls-new-blog-character-piggy/ http://randomesq.com/2011/03/26/bumping-animal-balls-new-blog-character-piggy/#comments Sun, 27 Mar 2011 02:07:44 +0000 Random Esquire http://randomesq.com/?p=3401 Today, for some reason, I wondered if it hurts animals to get a swift kick in the balls as much as it does humans.  What if I get attacked by a bear? This kind of information could come in handy.

I asked my friend – her nickname here is Piggy. Not because she’s anything like a pig. In fact, she’s thin and pretty. But her sister likes to say to her, “Eat up, piggy.” when she eats. I realize this sounds remarkably rude but, in fact, it is remarkably funny.  Anyway, I decided to ask Piggy what she thought about the animal balls issue.

RE: Do you think it hurts an animal to get kicked in the balls like it hurts a human?

Piggy: <Pause> It seems like the kind of thing you could figure out pretty easily…like, just see how many nerve endings are in a human penis compared to an animal penis.

RE: Really? That’s how you’d do it? Because I was going to suggest just kicking an animal in the balls.

Piggy: You could never do that! You wouldn’t kick an animal in the balls.

RE: Okay, fine, I wouldn’t kick an animal in the balls. Maybe just like bump them in the balls.

Piggy: How do you just bump an animal’s balls?? they are like, down there. You can’t just bump some balls.

RE: I bet on a farm somewhere, someone has bumped an animal’s balls. Like, maybe they were milking away and their hand just jerked out and hit some balls.  Wait… that doesn’t make any sense.  I just need to find someone with a farm.

Piggy: You think you’re going to find someone on a farm who is going to remember when they once bumped into an animal’s balls and will remember its reaction??

RE: I’m telling you…I’d remember if I bumped into an animal’s balls.  I just need to find someone on a farm! This reminds me of another question I had for farmers. Are extra large chickens laying extra large eggs? Or do they all come from the same size chicken?

Piggy: It depends, like,…the color and size of the eggs depend on their feed and the quality of their diet.

RE: Why is there only Large and Extra Large? Do eggs come in Small or Medium?

Piggy: Yeah… Isn’t there also a Jumbo?

RE: Seriously? It’s like the Starbucks of eggs with these sizes. Large, Extra Large and JUMBO.

Piggy: There are a lot of different types of eggs. Omega-3 eggs…

RE: Those are like…those fatty acid eggs – so, where the hell do those things come from? What kind of chicken is laying those?

Piggy: Those chickens are fed a special diet, rich in Omega-3 fatty acids.

RE: <pause> How do you know this?! Are you on a farm right now?!

Piggy: I’m not on a farm! I wrote an article about it once!

RE: Ah ha!! So you know people who have farms!

Piggy: I don’t know anyone who has a farm!

RE: Oh. <pause> Damn.  I was going to ask you to do a favor for me.

Wikipedia is useless.

Man vs. Food.  This show is about a dumbass who travels around doing various food challenges in different restaurants.  The challenges are typically geared to defeat him either through the pure quantity of food he must consume or the amount of spice/heat in the food.

Most recently, this jackass went to Richmond, Virginia where he tried to eat 8 hotwings covered in a sauce that contained actual capsaicin.  This idiot sat down, signed a waiver and then began his greasy lipped, watery eyed, sauced finger adventure by slumping so far over that his chest appears to have given birth to his head – and then he knuckled down on a wing.  He was motivated by an exceptionally large young man who inspired the crowd to begin a rousing chorus of “U.S.A.! U.S.A.!”

He managed to make his way through the wings.  His reward?  A T-Shirt that says “I’m with Stupid” and has a finger…pointing up at the wearer’s head.  We are treated to a close up shot of wing bones as he declared his “independence from the stupid wing challenge.”  He then thrust up his arms and we are all treated to a sight that results from years of overeating and not enough sunshine.

Now, I tried to imagine explaining this show to, let us say, a hungry Indian child.  Here is how I imagine this conversation might go:

Random:  “This show is called Man versus Food.”

Hungry Indian Child:  “I do not understand. Why is he against food?  I love food.”

Random:  “Well, it is because he has to eat the food.  All of it.”

Hungry Indian Child:  *Blank Stare*

Random:  “Well, see, sometimes it is a really, really large amount of food.  Like one time, he had to eat 72 ounces of steak.”

Hungry Indian Child:  “Did he win a game show? Is that why he gets to eat this much food? How do I play this game?”

Random:  “No, no, it’s not like that…here, let’s watch.  Okay, see?  They are going to make him eat chicken.”

Hungry Indian Child:  “Oh! Chicken sounds very good!  I would like to try that!”

Random:  “Oh, but see, they are going to cover it with spices so hot that no one wants to eat it.”

Hungry Indian Child:  “They… are going to ruin the food first?”

Random:  “Exactly!  Then we all watch him eat it and chant our national pride.”

Hungry Indian Child:  “He is a large man.  It looks as if he has had enough to eat.  Does he share the food?”

Random:  “No, he has to eat it all himself.  She how he’s crying from how hot those chicken wings are?”

Hungry Indian Child:  “I am crying from hunger.”

Random:  “Want to watch another episode?”

Hungry Indian Child:  “HE GETS TO EAT MORE?!”

Ayup.

What the hell is that crap? How old is that woman that she still lives at home and her father cares when she comes home?   I mean, seriously, what is this crap?

Well, breathe easy, pops, cause you don’t have to worry.  You’ve granted permission to a man to take over the care of her wellbeing!  Like when a zoo in the U.S. agrees to adopt a panda from China.  Thank goodness she’s in good hands!

You misogynistic bastard.

*Click here for a far more eloquent and funny rant on this ad by my friend, Chic.)

A) Adults doing these stupid things is sad.  Children doing it is funny and awesome.

B)  Guy Fieri is… wow, where do I begin?  Look, there’s no other way to put this.  Guy Fieri is a douchebag. In fact, if you go to Google and type in “Guy Fieri is” the first suggested search is “Guy Fieri is a douchebag.”  I wonder if he hangs out with his Google-Douchebag-Twin Bobby Flay.

C)  This is the kind of thing you put on YouTube, not television.

D)  I think this would help in two ways.  First, it would just make it more horribly entertaining.  And I mean entertaining in a way that is horrible.  Second, then some of these contestants might know shame.  See how that works?

2.  This morning on the Today show, Matt Lauer interviewed a woman whose brother, a miner with 30 years experience, was believed to be either dead or trapped in the mine.  After some questions, Matt thanked her for being on and she returned the thanks and said she wanted to do it so that viewers would pray “specifically” for her brother.

*Blink*

Whah?  Like, not for the other miners that might be trapped underground?  Dude, RUDE.  I forgot about it until this afternoon with Instigator asked if I’d seen the show…and heard the woman ask for people to pray for her brother specifically.  I laughed.  Of course we both noticed this.

3.  For a while, I watched Hoarders and Intervention.  Then I realized that every episode of Hoarders is exactly the same.  When shit say “Same shit, different Day” – well, that can be said about Hoarders, only change it to “Same shit, different house.”  I became cynical enough about Intervention that I began to cheer when the addicted person would basically say, “Screw off, I don’t want to get clean” and would refuse treatment.   The DVR caught an episode from Monday which I decided to watch.  It was about a boxer – formerly a really good boxer – who was addicted to crack.  One of the people at his intervention was a guy he used to train.  This dude took his intervention speech and wrote a poem.  A poem, people.  Like, “Please get clean, don’t be mean, get off crack, don’t be whack.”  Okay, so, maybe not that bad.

Except really?  Completely that bad.

2.  Is a fountain pen pretentious?  Because I got one and really dig it and upon finding out, a friend remarked, “Doesn’t that make you feel pretentious?”

I think that is because she is envisioning this. (Yes, that’s a $57,000 fountain pen)

Instead of this.

I’m pretty sure that you’re not allowed to be pretentious with a clear, plastic, $24 fountain pen – which is what I’m using.

You know what cracks me up?  The reviews for that $57K fountain pen.  One says, “It is a pen. You write with it. It costs $57,000. What is wrong with you?“  heh.

The other says: “…A lovely choice for collectors of fine writing instruments but I was a bit disappointed the ink is a bit pricey.”  Really?  You’re disappointed that the ink is pricey for your $57,000 fountain pen? Really?  Guaranteed that guy is an asshole.

People boggle me.

3.  I woke up this morning when a warm dog tongue and a cold nose made contact with my face.

I suppose I can’t blame him.  He doesn’t know how to just put bacon in a pan and let it happen the natural way.

Except, she didn’t really mean literally.

She meant, “but not for reals, yo.”

Do people know what this word means?  It’s like adding on, “I means it!” to stuff. It’s supposed to mean that what you just said was FOR SERIOUS.

It’s a fantastic ONE word that captures the concept that the actual meaning of the words you spoke should be taken at complete face value as the truth.  How wonderful that there is a single word to even describe such a concept!  You don’t have to say, “I’m serious.  I meant the meaning of each and every one of those words and the statement I just made is completely true.”

You don’t have to do that! There’s a word for it! It is:  literally

What a brilliant language.

Here.  Let’s ruin it.

Literally.

I made it an hour in before I had turn it off.

First of all – that brown haired duded who plays the native american friend of the main chick – whatshername (WHN).  That guy is as good an actor as John Goodman – which is to say: not at all.  And he’s dating Taylor Swift, right?  I don’t listen to country music but she seems quite nice and I’m sure they are quite nice together (if they still are together) but my first thought upon seeing him was that if he and Taylor Swift had kids, the kids might end up tan or pale, brunette or blond – but one thing was for sure.

They’d have some momofuku squinty-ass eyes.

Okay, next.

This kid who is a vampire.  This kid looks like some one frying panned him in the face.  By that, I mean that he has an unusually flat face.  I mean, he really has quite the melon on that neck and sometimes, I’m surprised he doesn’t topple forward but what the hell do I know – maybe he has and that’s why he’s flatfaced?

Then I gather that WHN figures out that FlatFace is a vampire and he says that she should see him for what he really is – out in the sunlight.  So NOW I started to pay attention because I was thinking that this was going to be like when the mask gets ripped off the Phantom or the burlap sack gets lifted off the Elephant man.  Flatface is all, “Wait until you see WHO I REALLY AM. You will be SO SCARED.”

And then the jackass steps into some sunlight and…

he sparkles.

Like a kindergarten art project.  Like…all glittery.

WTF?

For real?  That’s *IT*?

No skin blistering?  No blood red eyes?  No blood curdling scream from the girl?  He just sparkles like someone dipped him in glue and he rolled around in glitter? What the HELL?

And that’s when I turned it off.