Random Esquire

I asked QT and Bev this question and a few others.  And I find the responses very telling.

Let’s say you’re on a date with a guy very early on in a relationship.  Would you rather accidently fart in front of him or vomit on him?

QT and Bev both said:  Vomit on him.

WTF.

Well, thank God it’s not a choice people really have to face because I’m telling you right now that if a girl chose to vomit on me, I’d be right offended.

I just re-read this.  I think I should start going to bed earlier.

1.  For some odd reason, I can’t seem to eat enough grapefruit.  I crave them.  I eats them.  I noms them.  And still…still I want more.  What makes this so odd is that I probably went 15 years before now without eating one.

2.  Little Filthy has been sleeping on the bed -  both on our sides, back to back.  If we were a couple, we might have intimacy issues.

3.  I had Easter dinner with my parents.  You know what my mother said?

“Do you have my blender?”

4.  Do you ever wonder if you actually remember something or, after you’ve remembered it once, from then on, you’re only remembering remembering it?  Does that make sense?

5.  I don’t get the Saw movies.  I mean, I saw the first one and it was intriguing enough, as far as those things go.  But I haven’t bothered my way through the rest  of them.  There are some things that feel like they stain your soul.

6.  I don’t like movies with kids who see creepy things or sense creepy things or movies with creepy kids.  Basically, creepy + kid = not Random friendly.

7.  I bought binoculars for our trip to Costa Rica next month.  Do you know how hard it is not to look at everything out the window?  I’m positive I’d look like a major creep.  No one sees a person with binoculars looking out a window and thinks: “yup, totally innocent.”

Some people just have a look.

Raise your hand if you’ve ever said that someone looks like a pedophile.

Dude, right?  Some people just have a look about them.

I saw this one dude and my first thought, which I realize is totally off the wall, was that he had rapist face.

WTF.

Anyone else ever seen this?

1.  My nose is running.  It sneaks up on me.  When my nose runs, it feels like my face wet its pants.

2.  The last time I was ill, I saw Besos only one or two times in three weeks because I tend to hole-up when I don’t feel well and am not really comfortable with someone taking care of me.  She more or less told me that that would not be acceptable this time and would I prefer she bring over soup or a break-up kick in the pants?

I chose the soup.

3.  I took pictures at Moto which are forthcoming.  At one point, Chef Cantu asked me, “Have you seen plasma in a microwave?”  I stared back.  He said, “Find a beaker!”  He rushed me to the microwave and propped the beaker upside down on three cups inside.  Then, he placed a bit of what he called plasma inside, under the beaker, within the small triangle of cups.  Mind you, I’d just eaten a bit of that white plasma in the form of a wick on a chocolate bomb that they actually set on fire (picture coming).  He closed the microwave and hit start.  The white bit flashed and flamed repeatedly and Chef Cantu said, “Hotter than the surface of the sun!”

4.  Besos arrived with soup.  She smiled and looked satisfied as I began to eat.  I glanced up and said, “Honey…I am a little self conscious because I have to chew with my mouth open because I can’t breathe through my nose.”

If you’d like to hear more ways in which you can woo and wow a woman in your life, please send a self-addressed, stamped envelope to our address and include a check or money order for$14.95.

1. I know this may go down as one of those things that I shouldn’t find as funny as I do but here it is:  The song Jesus, Take the Wheel is hilarious.  Let me get this straight.  This woman is driving with her kid in the back seat, hits ice and throws in the towel, tosses her hands up into the air and turns the mike on over to Jesus.  Dude, how about you give yourself and Jesus a helping hand and at least keep hold of that steering wheel.  I mean, is that too much to ask?  I suspect even Jesus would be saying, “For real?  How about a little help here?”

2.  I spoke with The Italian today.  He offhandedly mentioned that he used to have two pet turtles while he was in college.  I said, “Whoa, whoa, whoa.  In college?!”  He said, “Yes…their names were Cuff and Link.”  What world am I in, people?  Turtles are for kids who can’t be trusted with dogs.  They are for kids who need pets they can drop relatively worry-free.   He defended his turtle-ownership with some explanation that involved the movie Rocky which, I have to say, did not help his case.

3.  I am heading to Moto on Saturday to take pictures in the kitchen. Earlier this month, a writer for The Reader visited the kitchen and was able to “… work a shift in the famously secretive kitchen and live to tell about it.”  They have a class 4 laser in the restaurant.  WTF.  If you caught the No Reservations episode on Chicago, Tony Bourdain visited Moto.  It is the place that had a dish that resembled road kill.  On purpose.

On the topic of eating people…Issei Sagawa.  Japanese dude.  Killed and ate a girl in Paris.  Now lives in Tokyo.  He did an interview – he’s done many and written more than a few books about the experience (one entitled Excuse Me for Living) – in which he giggles over the fact that he’s crazy…while he shows the reporter a picture of himself hunched over a naked body with a knife and fork in his hands.  Yup, clip included (NSFW).  His bit begins at 1:13.

*crosses Tokyo off list of places to take Besos on vacation*

I was on Amazon and did a search for “logic puzzles.”

Amazon listed related searches as:  “logic problems” and “logic puzzles for kids” and…

“what’s wrong with eating people”

*Blink*

WTF.

1.  I found Little Filthy in the bedroom with his head buried in my winter coat which I had lazily thrown to the floor in an effort to peel off layers.  I heard crunching noises and yelled, “Hey!”  He jerked out his head out of my coat pocket.  I leaned down and he licked me.  He smelled like menthol.  Yeah. He found a Halls cough drop. The other day, I brought in some groceries and set a bag down on the ground while I ran to grab more things from the hallway.  I returned to find Little Filthy muzzle-deep in a container of blueberries.  No good can come of this.

2. Besos and I have been dating nearly 3 months.  Okay, more like 7 months but I kicked and screamed the first 4 months so that doesn’t really count.  Having been around the block a few times, I’ve finally learned what everyone says over and over.  The big thing is communication.  So I proposed an idea to Besos and she readily agreed to it.  Basically, once a month, we have a very frank, 100% honest, 100% judgment free conversation on the state of affairs.  Good or bad.  General rule is that it doesn’t happen in bed because I couldn’t take her seriously with that grin always on her face.

bu-dum-bump. *rimshot*

3. I’m judging a contest for charity on Wednesday night.  The contestants?  Reality television ‘stars’.  So far, I know about 3 contestants – one each from The Bachelorette, Survivor, and Project Runway.  Not sure about the others.  Should be interesting.

4.  That reminds me…I stupidly agreed to be a contestant in a contest in February.  Doing what?  Mixing a cocktail.  It is going to be tragic.  But it is for charity so it’s the kind of tragedy I can get behind.

I have tried to continue with that random act of kindness stuff.  So far, I’ve bought coffee or a bagel for the person ahead or behind me in a line.  I gave up on the idea of complimenting people randomly because I figured I’d come off as a weirdo whereas people are generally not too offended if you buy them a bagel.  It’s like the international symbol of peace.  Free bagel!  Free coffee!  And my other routine is to give my handwarmers to the same homeless woman I pass on the same corner as I walk to the office.  By that time, I’m only a few blocks from the office and they’re good for another couple of hours so it makes sense to give them away.  If she’s not there, I give them to a street cop or our doorman at the office.

Besos and I went out to eat the other night at a Vietnamese restaurant because she was craving Pho.  Four young men came into the restaurant and sat down at the table next to ours.  They grinned and pointed to things at the menu, curious and eager to try something new.  One of them caught my eye and asked what I was eating and then said it looked good.  They were polite to the Vietnamese woman who came to take their order, despite her clearly not fully understanding them as they ordered in a bit of disarray.  I watched them a bit.  Very young.  I liked that they seemed a friendly bunch.  I looked up at Besos and said, “Should I do a random act of kindness?”  She said, “I don’t know what you mean.”  I said, “I’m leaving it to you.”  She said, “Then I have to say yes.”  So I went up to the cashier and paid for their dinner. I hadn’t meant for her to say anything to them and Besos and I were preparing to leave but the server/cashier went to their table and told them I paid.  They looked up at me in surprise and thanked me.

Turns out they are all in the military.  For some reason, that just choked me up a little.  I don’t even know these young kids but my skeptic heart said a little prayer for them.

Besos got the oil changed in her car today.  She promptly went home and sent me a text message to say that she was watching porn.  I said, “That’s how I celebrate all of my oil changes.  You should see what I do when I get my tires rotated.”  She’d had a bummed out day and decided that watching porn would cheer her up.  I mentioned that she could watch porn to cheer me up, as well.

We then had a conversation about porn.  Before I go into that, I’d like to note that two things really bother me about porn:

1) listening to some dude breathe through his teeth

and

2) all the spitting that goes on.

First, dude, it’s obvious you’re enjoying yourself.  But you’re making porn…and the point is for me to enjoy myself.  So I don’t want to listen to you hiss air through your teeth the entire time.  It distracts me from the woman.  Okay?

Second…there’s an awful lot of spitting that goes on in porn.  I’ve never spit on a woman.  On any part of a woman.  I’m pretty sure it might earn me a less than favorable reaction.  That’s not to say that spit doesn’t have its place and, indeed, uses in the act…just, you know, I’m not insulting her genitalia like it’s my evil step-father’s grave so I don’t spit on it like it offends me.  But I digress.

So we talked about porn and Besos saw fit to give me this tidbit:  “I just wish they’d skip the storyline and cut to the chase.”  I’m sure I laughed or paused or something because then she said in an informational librarian tone:  “Pornos have these…weak storylines…”

I said, “I love how you’re telling me this.”

I had earlier mentioned some movies I had DVR’d.  Most of them were action flicks.  Besos said, “I’ll make a deal with you.  I’ll watch those movies with you if you watch porn with me.”

*Blink*

Dude.  For reals?  How about this….you can throat punch me and I’ll watch porn with you.  Or you can poke me in the eye and I’ll watch porn with you.  Or you can give me papercuts between my fingers…and I’ll watch porn with you.  Is this really something we need to negotiate?

Okay, bedroom secret time.  You know how common sayings are particularly funny when they come out of the mouth of someone with English as a second language and they are used in a slightly unusual way?  Well, sometimes, after I’ve chased Besos around the couch a number of times and captured her on more than one occassion, she will clap her hands over herself and say, “CLOSED FOR BUSINESS. I am CLOSED FOR BUSINESS.”

Which really makes me laugh.

Anyway, so spill it.  Lay a bedroom secret on me.

p.s.  I discussed with Besos before posting this.  I’m not entirely stupid, for God’s sake.