Random Esquire

1.  The Ballerina IM’d me today.  She informed me that she had a dilemma.  I grew a little concerned because she had just had a rather difficult morning so I did not know what to expect.

Ballerina:  I have a dilemma.

RE:  What’s up, Ballerina?

Ballerina:  a few months ago someone barfed all over one of the bathroom stalls on this floor.

At this point, I decided that perhaps someone on her floor had bulimia and she was trying to decide if she should tell someone or confront this person.

RE:  Oy.

Ballerina:  Like, projectile barf all over the place.

RE:  Holy crap.

Ballerina:  I saw it firsthand and almost barfed myself.  Since that day, I have not used that stall.  But I wonder…maybe I should?  It is maybe the cleanest stall now?

*Blink*

Yes, that’s right.  This was her dilemma.  Whether or not to use the now clean, previously barfed upon bathroom stall.  I suggested that yes, it was probably clean now.

Ballerina:  I feel there is maybe barf crusted in a crevice somewhere.

RE:  A very real possibility.

In the end, she decided to continue avoiding the barfy stall.

NEXT!

1.  I went to a wine tasting last night with Instigator.  I drove her home while she clutched a box full of wine bottles on her lap.  She looked very pleased.

2.  While visiting my parents on Memorial Day, Little Filthy jumped up on the couch next to me and flopped over on his back.  This left his…er, little filthy in full view.  My mother came by and put a napkin over it.

3.  Kelly McGillis, the hot chick from Top Gun, came out.  She’s a lesbian now.  I regret to inform all lesbians that she did so past her prime.  Score one for the straight guys.

4.  Besos wanted to clobber me earlier this week.  This is because sometimes, I suck.

5.  I want to try my hand at portraits.  You may recall the pictures I took of Besos.  I may have a rule that everyone has to be naked.

6.  Little Filthy stormed the bed the other morning.  I had clean, folded clothes on the end of the bed and they went flying.  He doesn’t care.  If I toss warm-from-the-dryer laundry on my bed, he will instantly jump up and roll around in it.  He’s sort of impossible.

7.  My niece and nephew are in town next week.  I’m taking them to the zoo.

8.  I am perfectly shocked that someone from the porn industry hasn’t tried to buy littlefilthy.com from me.  It’s gold, people.  Solid gold.

9.  There may be a pilsner glass in the freezer calling my name.

10.  I need to plan my next big trip.  I must plan my September trip to Seattle.  Oh, wait:  “Crash with Chris and Bev.  Do what Chris does.”  There, done.  Next is Egypt.

Hm.  I wonder what kind of bugs they have there.

1.  A friend of mine wrote me an e-mail and warned me of a random topic subject.  She then said this:

“I called the BlueCross BlueShield Ask-a-Nurse hotline today to find out what in the world I’m supposed to do about suspected frostbite on my knee (mishap with a too-cold ice pack) and the nurse asked me if the redness and swelling (repeat: on my knee) was accompanied by vaginal discharge.”

*Blink*

2.  Did you read about this woman?  She called 911 and said she’d been abducted by two black men and was in the trunk of the car with her daughter.

Except really?  She was going to Disney World.

Sounds like something Bev would do.

3.  I considered taking a taxi home from work last night because I was beat and the thought of waiting for the train didn’t thrill me.  But I decided to save the $$ and hoof it like a trooper.  At the train station, I saw a woman I’ve seen many times before.  She was playing an instrument, swaying to the music a little.  The thing is…she reminds me of my grandmother and it sort of kills me to see her.  One day last summer, she was down in the hot train station and after I saw her, I left, bought a bottle of water and re-entered the station to give it to her.  It just seems wrong.  I don’t know.  Anyway… I was glad I walked.  As the train pulled up, I dropped my taxi fare into her box and disappeared into the train.

*sigh*

4.  Little Filthy was booted from the bed last night by Besos.  Apparently, she’s not learned to sleep with a dog on her face.  Or a tongue up her nose.

I asked QT and Bev this question and a few others.  And I find the responses very telling.

Let’s say you’re on a date with a guy very early on in a relationship.  Would you rather accidently fart in front of him or vomit on him?

QT and Bev both said:  Vomit on him.

WTF.

Well, thank God it’s not a choice people really have to face because I’m telling you right now that if a girl chose to vomit on me, I’d be right offended.

I just re-read this.  I think I should start going to bed earlier.

1.  For some odd reason, I can’t seem to eat enough grapefruit.  I crave them.  I eats them.  I noms them.  And still…still I want more.  What makes this so odd is that I probably went 15 years before now without eating one.

2.  Little Filthy has been sleeping on the bed -  both on our sides, back to back.  If we were a couple, we might have intimacy issues.

3.  I had Easter dinner with my parents.  You know what my mother said?

“Do you have my blender?”

4.  Do you ever wonder if you actually remember something or, after you’ve remembered it once, from then on, you’re only remembering remembering it?  Does that make sense?

5.  I don’t get the Saw movies.  I mean, I saw the first one and it was intriguing enough, as far as those things go.  But I haven’t bothered my way through the rest  of them.  There are some things that feel like they stain your soul.

6.  I don’t like movies with kids who see creepy things or sense creepy things or movies with creepy kids.  Basically, creepy + kid = not Random friendly.

7.  I bought binoculars for our trip to Costa Rica next month.  Do you know how hard it is not to look at everything out the window?  I’m positive I’d look like a major creep.  No one sees a person with binoculars looking out a window and thinks: “yup, totally innocent.”

Some people just have a look.

Raise your hand if you’ve ever said that someone looks like a pedophile.

Dude, right?  Some people just have a look about them.

I saw this one dude and my first thought, which I realize is totally off the wall, was that he had rapist face.

WTF.

Anyone else ever seen this?

1.  My nose is running.  It sneaks up on me.  When my nose runs, it feels like my face wet its pants.

2.  The last time I was ill, I saw Besos only one or two times in three weeks because I tend to hole-up when I don’t feel well and am not really comfortable with someone taking care of me.  She more or less told me that that would not be acceptable this time and would I prefer she bring over soup or a break-up kick in the pants?

I chose the soup.

3.  I took pictures at Moto which are forthcoming.  At one point, Chef Cantu asked me, “Have you seen plasma in a microwave?”  I stared back.  He said, “Find a beaker!”  He rushed me to the microwave and propped the beaker upside down on three cups inside.  Then, he placed a bit of what he called plasma inside, under the beaker, within the small triangle of cups.  Mind you, I’d just eaten a bit of that white plasma in the form of a wick on a chocolate bomb that they actually set on fire (picture coming).  He closed the microwave and hit start.  The white bit flashed and flamed repeatedly and Chef Cantu said, “Hotter than the surface of the sun!”

4.  Besos arrived with soup.  She smiled and looked satisfied as I began to eat.  I glanced up and said, “Honey…I am a little self conscious because I have to chew with my mouth open because I can’t breathe through my nose.”

If you’d like to hear more ways in which you can woo and wow a woman in your life, please send a self-addressed, stamped envelope to our address and include a check or money order for$14.95.

1. I know this may go down as one of those things that I shouldn’t find as funny as I do but here it is:  The song Jesus, Take the Wheel is hilarious.  Let me get this straight.  This woman is driving with her kid in the back seat, hits ice and throws in the towel, tosses her hands up into the air and turns the mike on over to Jesus.  Dude, how about you give yourself and Jesus a helping hand and at least keep hold of that steering wheel.  I mean, is that too much to ask?  I suspect even Jesus would be saying, “For real?  How about a little help here?”

2.  I spoke with The Italian today.  He offhandedly mentioned that he used to have two pet turtles while he was in college.  I said, “Whoa, whoa, whoa.  In college?!”  He said, “Yes…their names were Cuff and Link.”  What world am I in, people?  Turtles are for kids who can’t be trusted with dogs.  They are for kids who need pets they can drop relatively worry-free.   He defended his turtle-ownership with some explanation that involved the movie Rocky which, I have to say, did not help his case.

3.  I am heading to Moto on Saturday to take pictures in the kitchen. Earlier this month, a writer for The Reader visited the kitchen and was able to “… work a shift in the famously secretive kitchen and live to tell about it.”  They have a class 4 laser in the restaurant.  WTF.  If you caught the No Reservations episode on Chicago, Tony Bourdain visited Moto.  It is the place that had a dish that resembled road kill.  On purpose.

Little Filthy saw his mother last night.  Boss and I went to dinner; it was the first time I’d seen her in months.  One thing hadn’t changed.  She still gets the menu without prices and slides the bill to me when it arrives.

Afterwards, she came inside and I reminded Little Filthy that she was his deadbeat mother.  He, in true kid fashion, did not care and simply rejoiced at seeing her.  He showed her all of his new toys.

More after the cut. (more…)

On the topic of eating people…Issei Sagawa.  Japanese dude.  Killed and ate a girl in Paris.  Now lives in Tokyo.  He did an interview – he’s done many and written more than a few books about the experience (one entitled Excuse Me for Living) – in which he giggles over the fact that he’s crazy…while he shows the reporter a picture of himself hunched over a naked body with a knife and fork in his hands.  Yup, clip included (NSFW).  His bit begins at 1:13.

*crosses Tokyo off list of places to take Besos on vacation*