Random Esquire

1.  My place went from clean to shitfest in 5 days.  I’m sitting on my couch right now looking at it.  I’ll be honest. It probably went from clean to crap in 4 days and now I’m just letting it fester.

2.  Night and morning are making promises to each other which neither will be able to keep. -Richard Shelton

3.  Lady Date Penelope is at the Golden Globes.  She called to let me know that she did not win.  I told her I know.  Live television.  I said not to worry about it.  I told her you can’t take any award ceremony seriously that allows Mike Tyson to attend.  She said thank you and that she felt better.

4.  …
Women and men(both dong and ding)
summer autumn winter spring
reaped their sowing and went their came
sun moon stars rain

5.  What a weekend!

What. A. Weekend.

Let’s see…what did I do?  Did I mention the festering? I did. Okay. Well.

We went to the park.  We being me and Little Filthy. Got fabulously muddy, licked a little Indian girl  and almost urinated on a stroller.

Little Filthy that is.  He did that.

I didn’t.

That was a full trip.  We may put off another visit anytime soon.

6.  Whatever I take, I take too much or too little; I do not take the exact amount. The exact amount is no use to me. -Antonio Porchia

7.  I’ve explained it isn’t bling and he doesn’t look like a pimp.  He doesn’t care.  He hates his coat.

8.  Read my lips, forget my name. -William Stafford

9.  I went to a cocktail party, too.  I’m pretty convinced that no one’s jaw or neck worked.  But I shook hands politely and kissed cheeks.  I didn’t wink at anyone.  I don’t normally.  But this time I was especially careful not to.  This is because when discussing winking with a woman, she told me that she’d punch anyone who winked at her in the nose.  And then she’d spit on him and tell him he was lame.  Okay, not that last part.  But yeah – so, I refrained.  My nose still looks fabulous, by the way.

10.  Life consists in what a man is thinking of all day. -Ralph Waldo Emerson

I just woke up… yelling.

In my dream, I was in a house that my family had once owned.  It was a summer day -  very sunny but cool enough that I had all of the windows open and front door open – and a female co-worker of mine stopped by the house.  I told the co-worker about a date who had just left the house who was upset with me about a different girl.  (I know, I know…)  My co-worker – I will call her Carol – was laughing, teasing me about it, playing with Little Filthy while I cleaned up.  Then Carol went to look around the house.

I must have finished what I was doing and I went to go find her.  I found her in a spare bedroom and as I stood in the doorway, she lifted the corner of the sheets on the bed and slowly got in.  I walked across the room and got into the bed on the other side and then we both lay there and laughed about stupid things.  I don’t know if the bed shrunk in my dream but I found myself surprised to be shoulder to shoulder with her in the bed and I apologized, laughed and said that this must be a bed that sinks in the middle, rolling the people toward each other.  I shifted and we continued to talk.

We were laughing at something having to do with us both speaking French and I said, “How can I commencez if you won’t parlez Francais with me?”   And she somehow ended up touching my hand and I was surprised but it was nice so I did nothing and let her take the lead as I did not know what she was thinking or intending.  We continued to talk and she began to rub her fingers across my hand.

(more…)

1.  It’s obvious when I’m over-thinking anything.  I stop writing.  Clearly, clearly, the writing I do takes really, just the barest minimum of thought.  Minimal thought = de rigueur to write or read RandomEsq.

2.  You know what I’m eating?

Birthday cake.  Random FTW!

You know how QT wished me a happy birthday?

“Happy Birthday, Retard.”

Like I said, folks – a minimal amount of thought is good.

3.  I put my parents on my mobile phone plan and got them each new phones with a keyboard. Then I got them unlimited text messaging.  And then I got my first text message from them.

“hi.”

Well, that’s proven useful.

4.  I have four dates tomorrow night.

That’s right.

Four.

Well, I’m taking four ladies to dinner.  Not four different dinners. I couldn’t eat four dinners in a row.  Or even out of a row.

I let the chef know I was coming and bringing four attractive women with me.  He’s going to demand two of them.  I’ll let him choose which two he’d like.

And then I’ll take one back as a finder’s fee.

And he’ll only get one.

And I will get three.

And it will be RANDOM FTW!

5.  Well, after that brief week of nearly no writing… I do believe I am back in the saddle again.

1.  I caught Little Filthy contemplating some doody-snacking this morning.  When I turned a corner, I found him leaning over the box staring at a newly baked potato.  I said, “Hey!” He looked up and wagged his tail.  He only wags his tail when he’s nervous or you scratch his butt.  Monster.

2.  Tonight, I am taking both Boss and Instigator to an event with me.  We’re going to Food and Wine’s Entertaining Showcase at the Museum of Contemporary Art.  There will be some fantastic chefs, incredible food, and some great wine and spirits.  Should be fun.  I hope to have some pictures to share tomorrow.

3.  The Addams Family is opening here in Chicago before heading to Broadway in NYC.  I will be going to see it on Wednesday night.  Nathan Lane and Bebe Neuwirth are in it.    Let’s hope it’s better than Cats.

What the hell is going on with all of you?

1.  It’s chilly in Chicago.

My solution was to light the fireplace.

Little Filthy’s solution is to lean against me the entire night, leaching off my body heat.

2.  You know that kid?  The one supposedly in the balloon?  Yeah.  I’m already sick of that kid.

3.  I telecommuted today.  I hit the gym, walked home and jumped into the shower.

Why do people say that they ‘jumped’ into the shower?  I didn’t jump into the shower.  I actually just stepped over the side of the bathtub into the shower.

Anyway, when I got out of the shower, I decided I’d comb my hair in a completely different way to see if I could make it stand up in all different directions.  Except I don’t own a comb.  So I just ran my hands through my hair in all different directions.  No, I don’t have any good reason why I would do this.  None other than the fact that it is my head and I was curious and didn’t have to ask anyone’s permission.

My hair is naturally wavy so in about 20 minutes, I had quite the shaggy mess going on.  My hair is short but long enough to go wavy crazy, apparently.  I was pleased.

Except I had also been battling a headache all morning and QTMama convinced me to go get some Excedrin since I suspected a lack of caffeine was contributing to my headache and Excedrin has caffeine.

This meant I had to go out. With the wild hair.

I didn’t care.  You know why?

Because I don’t give a shit.

4.  I’m evolving.  Or reforming.  Whatever.  Basically, what I mean is that Besos said she wanted to see a movie and knew that I would not go see it with her because it is a chick flick.

Instead of complimenting her on her astute observation on my movie watching preferences, I said, “NO, I WILL BE HAPPY TO TAKE YOU. LET US GO PARTAKE IN SAID CHICK FLICK.”

So we’re going to see Whip It on Sunday.  Which, actually, shouldn’t be that bad as long as no one around me ends up bawling or something.

Bawling is a good word.

5.  I was going to have a #5 but it’s so stupid, I think I will make it its own blog entry.

1.  Besos came over last night and as she came inside she groaned and said, “Damn! I forgot my makeup! That’s like forgetting your underwear in Mexico.”

In case you’re wondering:  Correct response:  “You don’t need makeup!”  Incorrect response:  “What are you talking about? None of the Mexican girls I’ve ever met wore underwear.”

2.  Since we’re on the topic of me being stupid, I went into the bedroom last night and yelled out to Besos, “I’m ready!”  She yelled back, “For what?”  I called out, “To start making out!”

She came in and complied.  I then told her that I thought we should do another photo shoot and I might have suggested a picture of her butt.  For the blog.  (I was teasing but she does have a remarkable ass.)  She pulled back and looked at me and said, “You know, men read your blog, too.”

And to be honest, that might have escaped me since I don’t exactly seem to have a huge male following.  I said, “I don’t care. I’m not insecure.  If you run off, I’ll find another hot Latina.”

(more…)

1. I am pretty sure that if I had to sit through The Time Traveler’s Wife, I’d want to go back in time so I could decide not to see it. I think I just saved two hours of my life.

2.  Fresh Express has been leaving the office wearing what can charitably be described as a cotton dress but what would more accurately be described as an over-sized t-shirt that extends past mid thigh, thus disguising any possible shorts and blurring the line between inappropriate and downright wrong.

3.  Bluetooth came to visit the office with her 16 month old.  I should note that while her daughter’s ears were pierced, the little one did not, as of yet, have a bluetooth device in her ear.  For some reason (namely, that I am unfailingly polite at times), Bluetooth decided to park the stroller in my office and after making the rounds, she sat herself down in the chair across my desk.  We chatted a bit before we both had an awkward moment as her daughter reached into her dress and attempted to pull out a boob.  I pretended to look at the ceiling while Bluetooth said, “I still give her the breast once in a while.”

Annnnnnnnnnnnnd I have nothing else to add to that.

4.  Would you like to know how polite I am? I tells you. (This requires unlocking some entries I’d previously padlocked for safekeeping.)  I listened patiently while Bluetooth told me she could speak in tongues and I let her attempt to pray over my arm to heal it after I had it ramrodded in a parking gate.  The thing is, I am not a particularly patient person.  I try to respect sincerity, though.  Unless, of course, the sincerity is expressed on Fox news.  I have limits.

5. Did I mention that Besos and I went to the zoo this summer? We did. I think I like aquariums better but I’m not sure. Here are some pictures:

1.  I often see this particular dude on my walk to the office.  The reason I remember him is because his head is too small.  It’s not obviously too small.  It’s a subtle smallness.  Like, his noggin is in the 35th percentile for people of his height and for some reason, I’ve noticed it.

2.  My midlife crisis might be upon me.  Probably not.  But today, I found myself suddenly regretful that I’d never surfed inside a large wave.  It might have been because I was watching cartoons and everyone in it was surfing.

3.  I bought a new laptop bag from Briggs & Riley.  It smells like a new car to me.  I like it.  I wonder if that makes me a little bit of a douchey-attorney.

4.  At the gym this morning, I found myself looking around and wondering just how much sweat was in the carpet and how often it’s cleaned.

5.  My neighbor punched me today.  In the arm, mind you.  I ran into her at the park and Little Filthy was running around, playing with her dog.  You…may have noticed that Little Filthy is slightly wall-eyed.  He’s part pug.  They always seem to have some sort of Peter Falk wandering eye thing going on.  Little Filthy ran up to me and I said, “What’s up, Mad Eye Moody?”  And she socked me in the arm and yelled, “Hey!”  This is probably because while Little Filthy is slightly wall-eyed, her pug looks a little like the sides of his face are running away from each other.

1.  Who’s usin’ twitter?  I’m Randomesq.  Be warned:  it ain’t pretty.

2.  QTMama has a date tonight with this guy she likes to snog.  I decided to make a bet with her.

Via Text, I dared her to work a phrase into casual conversation with the guy.  The phrase?  “…like tossing a hotdog down a hallway.”  I told her that if she did it, I’d buy her some K-cups for her Keurig.

She texted back:  “But, what does that even mean?”

At this point, I burst out laughing.  Then came her next text:  “I would totally say that.  I want K-cups.”

Then I told her what it meant.

She said, “It means that?  Dammit.  Okay.  I’m still saying it.”

This should be good.

3.  Instigator sent me a text tonight informing me that her daughter had just broken her (daughter’s) arm.  I asked how it happened.  Here’s what Instigator had to say:

“She fell out of a tree.  Still at hospital.”

“Scared shitless.  Thank God I wasn’t with her.  Poor little baby. Dr. happened to be in the park who stayed until we got there.”

“Her arm looked fucked up.  She was trying to show her sitter she could get out of the tree one handed cause she wanted her iTouch in her other hand.”

And then my favorite:

“That demonstration backfired.”

heh.  Instigator.

4.  I’m packing up for a quick little roadtrip this weekend.  Little Filthy is going to stay with his grandparents.  My mother said, “That little terrorist.”

*sigh*

1.  The Ballerina IM’d me today.  She informed me that she had a dilemma.  I grew a little concerned because she had just had a rather difficult morning so I did not know what to expect.

Ballerina:  I have a dilemma.

RE:  What’s up, Ballerina?

Ballerina:  a few months ago someone barfed all over one of the bathroom stalls on this floor.

At this point, I decided that perhaps someone on her floor had bulimia and she was trying to decide if she should tell someone or confront this person.

RE:  Oy.

Ballerina:  Like, projectile barf all over the place.

RE:  Holy crap.

Ballerina:  I saw it firsthand and almost barfed myself.  Since that day, I have not used that stall.  But I wonder…maybe I should?  It is maybe the cleanest stall now?

*Blink*

Yes, that’s right.  This was her dilemma.  Whether or not to use the now clean, previously barfed upon bathroom stall.  I suggested that yes, it was probably clean now.

Ballerina:  I feel there is maybe barf crusted in a crevice somewhere.

RE:  A very real possibility.

In the end, she decided to continue avoiding the barfy stall.

NEXT!