Random Esquire

1.  Whenever a male chef describes food as ‘sexy’, I can’t help but wonder if he’s ever seen a woman.

2.  I’m grumpy.  I don’t like the word crabby.  It’s too… something.

3.  QTMama and I are negotiating a blog marriage.  Except she thinks that it still requires a ring and a proposal from me.  I think, at best, it may warrant a slap on the ass.

My ass, that is.

4.  I feel the need to buy something. I’m not sure what, exactly. But I’d like some new gadget.  I’m getting a Droid 2 for work so I hope that scratches the itch.  Otherwise, I may need a new car.  We’ll see.

5.  Besos has me on a budget.

It began with a delicate conversation in which she asked me what the bloody hell I was doing with my paycheck, over half of which I was, apparently, spending on …something.  Hell if I know.  After my student loans were paid off, I took a 6 month hiatus from giving a damn.

Frankly, I might make it a life philosophy.

1.  Why do I always end up dating teachers?

Because I have childhood fantasies, people. That’s why.

2.  I am leaving for NYC on Saturday morning. Work threatens to explode while I am gone.  This displeases me.

3.  Instigator’s daughter calmly explained the mechanics of sex to a peer.  This cracks me up.

4.  Little Filthy will be staying with my parents while I am out of town.  I suspect he will celebrate by baking a potato on my mother’s rug, as is his habit.  She will be delighted, no doubt.

5.  I will be meeting up with the Seattle Crew while in NYC.  They will all meet my sister.  This should be interesting!

1. … stared at a banana, unwilling to throw it out. I have 9 bananas here. But I do not want to throw out that one in particular.

2. … lay on floor and let Little Filthy lick my face to his content.

3. … did not shower.

4. … had regrets.

5. … told a stranger what was bothering me.

(more…)

1.  I start Spanish classes on Thursday.  Just think…in 8 short weeks, I’ll be president of Mexico!

2.  I will no longer say “piece of shit.”  I’m going to say “chunk of shit” – it’s got a little something…more to it.

3.  Now…let’s be clear.

I didn’t shrink his head.

Or stick clown feet on him.

That’s just how he looks.

When he’s sitting up.

On the couch.

Like a person.

1.  I took my work wife out for drinks after work on Tuesday.  I had a beer.

She drank bourbon.

It’s not easy being work-married to me.

2.  It occurred to me today that when I see the color orange, it may be seen by someone else as purple, etc. and that we’re all seeing different colors for everything.  And maybe the same is true for the things we smell.  Or eat.  Maybe turkey in my mouth tastes completely different than turkey in someone else’s mouth.  I wonder what it would be like to eat with someone else’s mouth for a day.  Just to see what they think things taste like.

And then I wondered (again) if everything I smell is polluted somehow with the smell of the inside of my nose.  It’s sort of like a filter or sunglasses – it has to color everything, right?  What if the inside of my nose has a smell and so everything smells like just some variation of it?

3.  It has come to my attention that Lady Date Penelope has been fooling around on the side.  I am a little upset.  But not like, you know, Mel Gibson upset or anything.  I mean, I’m not a Nazi, for Christ’s sake.

4.  Regarding the previous entry – I concluded that I think there is a grain of truth to the saying.  Here is how I reached that conclusion.

I swapping the genders so that it read:

A)  “a man wants to have sex with a woman because he’s fallen in love with her. A woman falls in love with a man because she wants to have sex with him”

and then I compared it to the original:

B)  “a woman wants to have sex with a man because she’s fallen in love with him. A man falls in love with a woman because he wants to have sex with her”

and I did not think to myself, “They are both completely wrong.”  Instead, A) seemed somehow *more* inaccurate than B).

So I concluded that I think there is a smidge of truth to the saying.

5.  I’d like to ask someone to smell the inside of my nose but it isn’t like I could take their word on what it smells like anyway.

Where’s Descartes when I need him?

1. Who are these people in those ads who wash their dishes with paper towels?   You know what we call strong paper towels?  Cloth.  Quit being wasteful.

2.  I think I touched a dog duke with my finger today.  Hole in the poop bag.  That’s an unpleasant surprise.  I wouldn’t say it’s up there with discovering a hole in a condom.  But it’s up there.

3.  IKnow! had a baby. She worked on her blackberry while in the hospital, while in labor.  Of course, she told everyone she was in labor so they would recognize her dedication.  Sycophant.  I let our boss know she had her baby.  I also told him that she cut the umbilical cord with her blackberry.

4.  You know what makes you feel bad?  When you accidentally bonk your dog on the nose and he pauses, squints his eyes and shakes out a sneeze.  Sorry, little man.

5.  I’m hungry. Somebody feed me!

I noticed a woman with very thin lips while on the train.  I briefly wondered if her lipstick lasted a really long time since she has such little lip surface area to cover.  Then I wondered why she bothered drawing attention to them with lipstick at all.

Then, as she pursed her lips together and they all-together disappeared, the *cough* rather rude analogy of rolling a girl in flour came to mind and I wondered if someone would have to dunk her head into some flour in order to know where to kiss her.

Which made me think of how I once sincerely expressed that there was nothing more sad than a fat girl getting her nails done.  Which, I think, I later revised to say that shoe shopping might be worse.  And that made me wonder why some larger women wear such tiny wrist watches that seem to pinch off their circulation?

This made me recall a conversation I had with Instigator in which I called Anjelica Huston a…handsome woman.  This is my way of saying that she is manly.  I tried to name other handsome women but only Bea Arthur came to mind – the original handsome woman.

And then I wondered if calling a woman handsome was basically being politely rude.  Making something bad seem okay.  Mutton dressed as lamb, if you will.  Polishing a turd. Lipstick on a pig.

And then I realized I’d come full circle, so to speak.

1.  I decided on a late night shower this evening.  I undressed and was going to get into the shower when I decided to lower the thermostat.  I walked out into the living room / kitchen naked and realized that the dishwasher had just finished the wash cycle.   I decided to open it instead of having it go through the dry cycle.  I flipped the latch, opened it a bit…

and damned if I didn’t almost steam my genitals.

2.  On the train this morning, I observed a young man whose natural expression was… slack jawed.  His lips were like two ships that pass in the night but never meet.  I don’t get it.  But I sat there and thought of all the other jacked up analogies I could make about his teeth.  Like, his upper lip was a window shade that wouldn’t pull down.  Or his upper lip was like a belly shirt that exposed too much teeth.  Dumb shit like that.

3.  I asked my sister her thoughts on towel sharing and informed her that some people wash their towels after every use.  Her response was, “Those people never went to college.”

4.  Editor and I had a beer outdoors on Friday night.  In the vein of being keenly observant, there was a woman at the next table and I could not help but notice her.  This is because her chin seemingly never met a jaw of any type but simply bled into her neck.  With her hair pulled back, she was remarkably turtle-like.  I suppose some people just inevitably get compared to animals.  I think, perhaps, the turtle is not so much a flattering comparison.

5.  My niece and nephew are big Little Filthy fans.  When they saw him on Sunday, I explained that he had received a shot in the leg and it had made his leg sore.   Remember when my niece pointed to Little Filthy’s exit door and asked, “What’s that hole?”   Well, this time, my nephew pointed to it and said, “is that shot? boo boo!”  Yeah.  He thinks Little Filthy’s hole is where he got his shot.  I don’t bother explaining things but cautioned against touching anything.

6.  I got my hair cut last week at a new place.  This means that I did not receive the kind ministrations of The Bumper.  The Bumper is the pretty young woman who would wash my hair prior to my cut and she would…*ahem* …bump me.  Honestly, people, it’s hard not to grin just typing that.  Anyway – no Bumper so therefore, no bumps.  Because, in case you didn’t know, it’s rude to dive for a bump.  Now you know. It’s one to grow on.

7.  When Little Filthy was at the vet last week, his anal glands were expressed.  The vet said: “they were quite full.”  This somehow makes me feel negligent.  I decided to see if I could learn how to do this so perhaps I could take care of this little issue when giving Little Filthy a bath.  Naturally, I turned to Youtube.

After a few videos, I decided that there are some things best left to the vet…  left to the vet and some dark room in the back where no one talks about what’s going on or what they’ve seen.

So, after that American Idol discovery, I decided to check out the description for the Ellen Show to see if the same person writes the description for the show.  Look what I found:

1.  Have you ever seen this?  A woman has a big smile on her face but then, in order to remove said smile, she sort of has to pull her top lip down over her top teeth, thereby – for a brief moment – making an odd monkey face?  I find this slightly off-putting.

2.  I see a dude on my way to work often and his head is just too small for his body.  I think I’ve even written about this before.  It isn’t vastly too small; it’s just slightly too small for his body.  Just enough for me to notice from the corner of my vision.  As if this weren’t enough, the guy wears those Transition lenses and so his glasses are that odd tinted color on very sunny days.  I mean, that all just makes for an odd package, right?

3.  I got into a minor confrontation on Sunday.  I was standing along the street in Chinatown with Besos and another friend waiting for Sitcom and her boyfriend when we were approached by an apparently homeless man who said something about helping him get a bowl of soup.

Now, if you know me at all, you know that I actually have a bit of a soft spot when it comes to this – at times.  This, however, was not one of those times.

I said, “No.”  He stood there and said something like, “Hey…I’m just asking for…” with a slight asshole tone.

And I said, “NO. Keep moving.”

He got a little aggressive and said, “YOU keep moving.”

I said, “I was standing here. You were moving. So I can’t keep moving.”

It went on a little longer after that.  Then at some point, you realize that you’re having a perfectly ridiculous conversation with a crazy person.  I’m not sure which one of us realized this first.  But he moved on.

4.  I’m over watching Hoarders. Every episode is the same.  And now, even with intervention, some part of cheers when the addicted person is like, “Hell no, I’m not going.”  And then doesn’t go to treatment!  Balls out.  I realize that is all kinds of wrong.  But there you have it.

5.  Speaking of balls out, Instigator is all kinds of balls out at work lately.  She has no problem saying to the powers that be, “You suck!”  Churro and I decided she has the biggest balls in the office.  She bought me lunch yesterday.  She made a point to suggest I mention this because I have previously mentioned taking her to lunch and she did not appreciate sounding like a kept woman.  I could have reassured her by noting that no one would be under that impression simply due to the tracks she was leaving behind her… from her balls dragging on the ground.

But I didn’t.