Today, for some reason, I wondered if it hurts animals to get a swift kick in the balls as much as it does humans. What if I get attacked by a bear? This kind of information could come in handy.
I asked my friend – her nickname here is Piggy. Not because she’s anything like a pig. In fact, she’s thin and pretty. But her sister likes to say to her, “Eat up, piggy.” when she eats. I realize this sounds remarkably rude but, in fact, it is remarkably funny. Anyway, I decided to ask Piggy what she thought about the animal balls issue.
RE: Do you think it hurts an animal to get kicked in the balls like it hurts a human?
Piggy: <Pause> It seems like the kind of thing you could figure out pretty easily…like, just see how many nerve endings are in a human penis compared to an animal penis.
RE: Really? That’s how you’d do it? Because I was going to suggest just kicking an animal in the balls.
Piggy: You could never do that! You wouldn’t kick an animal in the balls.
RE: Okay, fine, I wouldn’t kick an animal in the balls. Maybe just like bump them in the balls.
Piggy: How do you just bump an animal’s balls?? they are like, down there. You can’t just bump some balls.
RE: I bet on a farm somewhere, someone has bumped an animal’s balls. Like, maybe they were milking away and their hand just jerked out and hit some balls. Wait… that doesn’t make any sense. I just need to find someone with a farm.
Piggy: You think you’re going to find someone on a farm who is going to remember when they once bumped into an animal’s balls and will remember its reaction??
RE: I’m telling you…I’d remember if I bumped into an animal’s balls. I just need to find someone on a farm! This reminds me of another question I had for farmers. Are extra large chickens laying extra large eggs? Or do they all come from the same size chicken?
Piggy: It depends, like,…the color and size of the eggs depend on their feed and the quality of their diet.
RE: Why is there only Large and Extra Large? Do eggs come in Small or Medium?
Piggy: Yeah… Isn’t there also a Jumbo?
RE: Seriously? It’s like the Starbucks of eggs with these sizes. Large, Extra Large and JUMBO.
Piggy: There are a lot of different types of eggs. Omega-3 eggs…
RE: Those are like…those fatty acid eggs – so, where the hell do those things come from? What kind of chicken is laying those?
Piggy: Those chickens are fed a special diet, rich in Omega-3 fatty acids.
RE: <pause> How do you know this?! Are you on a farm right now?!
Piggy: I’m not on a farm! I wrote an article about it once!
RE: Ah ha!! So you know people who have farms!
Piggy: I don’t know anyone who has a farm!
RE: Oh. <pause> Damn. I was going to ask you to do a favor for me.
Wikipedia is useless.