Random Esquire

1.  Have you ever seen this?  A woman has a big smile on her face but then, in order to remove said smile, she sort of has to pull her top lip down over her top teeth, thereby – for a brief moment – making an odd monkey face?  I find this slightly off-putting.

2.  I see a dude on my way to work often and his head is just too small for his body.  I think I’ve even written about this before.  It isn’t vastly too small; it’s just slightly too small for his body.  Just enough for me to notice from the corner of my vision.  As if this weren’t enough, the guy wears those Transition lenses and so his glasses are that odd tinted color on very sunny days.  I mean, that all just makes for an odd package, right?

3.  I got into a minor confrontation on Sunday.  I was standing along the street in Chinatown with Besos and another friend waiting for Sitcom and her boyfriend when we were approached by an apparently homeless man who said something about helping him get a bowl of soup.

Now, if you know me at all, you know that I actually have a bit of a soft spot when it comes to this – at times.  This, however, was not one of those times.

I said, “No.”  He stood there and said something like, “Hey…I’m just asking for…” with a slight asshole tone.

And I said, “NO. Keep moving.”

He got a little aggressive and said, “YOU keep moving.”

I said, “I was standing here. You were moving. So I can’t keep moving.”

It went on a little longer after that.  Then at some point, you realize that you’re having a perfectly ridiculous conversation with a crazy person.  I’m not sure which one of us realized this first.  But he moved on.

4.  I’m over watching Hoarders. Every episode is the same.  And now, even with intervention, some part of cheers when the addicted person is like, “Hell no, I’m not going.”  And then doesn’t go to treatment!  Balls out.  I realize that is all kinds of wrong.  But there you have it.

5.  Speaking of balls out, Instigator is all kinds of balls out at work lately.  She has no problem saying to the powers that be, “You suck!”  Churro and I decided she has the biggest balls in the office.  She bought me lunch yesterday.  She made a point to suggest I mention this because I have previously mentioned taking her to lunch and she did not appreciate sounding like a kept woman.  I could have reassured her by noting that no one would be under that impression simply due to the tracks she was leaving behind her… from her balls dragging on the ground.

But I didn’t.

I’m sort of fascinated with the different levels of comfort people have with each other regarding bathroom things.

For instance, there was the Hair on Soap.

Recently, I wondered about sharing bath towels.

I asked a few people and the reaction is all over the map.

Some people don’t care at all.  Other people?  Other people are downright violent about this topic.

SingleMomMindy said, “No WAY!”  When I asked why, precisely, her response was to inform me that she “wouldn’t share underwear either.”  I asked if she thought it was fair to compare a towel to underwear.

“I do.”

My friend, Bev, said she’d rather share a toothbrush than a bath towel!

Bath towel doesn’t really bother me.  Whatever. At least they were clean when they used it, right?  Underwear?  Well, I assume by sharing underwear, you mean that you’d be putting it on clean – though it seems other issues at work with that one, aside from just sanitary ones.    But toothbrush!  That’s interesting to me.

So, I’m curious:

1. What do you think about sharing a bath towel with your better half?
2. Not right when they are done using it but after it has dried.and
3. Which would you rather share with your better half?  A toothbrush or a towel?

Rubbermoon sent me some interesting glass slides of scenes from various locations.  It’s what you imagine a picture might look like if it was printed on glass.  Very interesting!  I took pictures of them with the sun looking through.  Each slide was labeled with some indication of the location.

Swiss Lakes

Blue Lakes of Italy

Mediterranean

Norway

1.  I am working today – on MLK Day.  Best thing I heard?

“I think all somewhat brown people should have today off. I’m so annoyed that I’m sitting at my desk.”

Amen.

2.  QTMama and I may, in fact, be getting married at age 50.  Not the best weekend for either of us.  However, she sent me a message that did make me laugh.

“I read eight books in four days. Have not turned on the tv in days. Is the world okay?”

3.  I’ve decided I want to try my hand at nude photography.

That is the type of sentence that needs all kinds of clarification.  I have decided I would like to try my skills at photographing nude subjects.  There isn’t really any way to tell someone you’d like to try this without sounding at least slightly like a douchebag.

4.  Do you ever have an ache of sorts and it feels like someone is jabbing a finger in it and making it worse? And then you realize OH, IT IS YOURSELF.

5.  I am going to write an entry on breast size.  I don’t know why I feel like I have to brace people for that.

1.  My place went from clean to shitfest in 5 days.  I’m sitting on my couch right now looking at it.  I’ll be honest. It probably went from clean to crap in 4 days and now I’m just letting it fester.

2.  Night and morning are making promises to each other which neither will be able to keep. -Richard Shelton

3.  Lady Date Penelope is at the Golden Globes.  She called to let me know that she did not win.  I told her I know.  Live television.  I said not to worry about it.  I told her you can’t take any award ceremony seriously that allows Mike Tyson to attend.  She said thank you and that she felt better.

4.  …
Women and men(both dong and ding)
summer autumn winter spring
reaped their sowing and went their came
sun moon stars rain

5.  What a weekend!

What. A. Weekend.

Let’s see…what did I do?  Did I mention the festering? I did. Okay. Well.

We went to the park.  We being me and Little Filthy. Got fabulously muddy, licked a little Indian girl  and almost urinated on a stroller.

Little Filthy that is.  He did that.

I didn’t.

That was a full trip.  We may put off another visit anytime soon.

6.  Whatever I take, I take too much or too little; I do not take the exact amount. The exact amount is no use to me. -Antonio Porchia

7.  I’ve explained it isn’t bling and he doesn’t look like a pimp.  He doesn’t care.  He hates his coat.

8.  Read my lips, forget my name. -William Stafford

9.  I went to a cocktail party, too.  I’m pretty convinced that no one’s jaw or neck worked.  But I shook hands politely and kissed cheeks.  I didn’t wink at anyone.  I don’t normally.  But this time I was especially careful not to.  This is because when discussing winking with a woman, she told me that she’d punch anyone who winked at her in the nose.  And then she’d spit on him and tell him he was lame.  Okay, not that last part.  But yeah – so, I refrained.  My nose still looks fabulous, by the way.

10.  Life consists in what a man is thinking of all day. -Ralph Waldo Emerson

I just woke up… yelling.

In my dream, I was in a house that my family had once owned.  It was a summer day -  very sunny but cool enough that I had all of the windows open and front door open – and a female co-worker of mine stopped by the house.  I told the co-worker about a date who had just left the house who was upset with me about a different girl.  (I know, I know…)  My co-worker – I will call her Carol – was laughing, teasing me about it, playing with Little Filthy while I cleaned up.  Then Carol went to look around the house.

I must have finished what I was doing and I went to go find her.  I found her in a spare bedroom and as I stood in the doorway, she lifted the corner of the sheets on the bed and slowly got in.  I walked across the room and got into the bed on the other side and then we both lay there and laughed about stupid things.  I don’t know if the bed shrunk in my dream but I found myself surprised to be shoulder to shoulder with her in the bed and I apologized, laughed and said that this must be a bed that sinks in the middle, rolling the people toward each other.  I shifted and we continued to talk.

We were laughing at something having to do with us both speaking French and I said, “How can I commencez if you won’t parlez Francais with me?”   And she somehow ended up touching my hand and I was surprised but it was nice so I did nothing and let her take the lead as I did not know what she was thinking or intending.  We continued to talk and she began to rub her fingers across my hand.

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1.  It’s obvious when I’m over-thinking anything.  I stop writing.  Clearly, clearly, the writing I do takes really, just the barest minimum of thought.  Minimal thought = de rigueur to write or read RandomEsq.

2.  You know what I’m eating?

Birthday cake.  Random FTW!

You know how QT wished me a happy birthday?

“Happy Birthday, Retard.”

Like I said, folks – a minimal amount of thought is good.

3.  I put my parents on my mobile phone plan and got them each new phones with a keyboard. Then I got them unlimited text messaging.  And then I got my first text message from them.

“hi.”

Well, that’s proven useful.

4.  I have four dates tomorrow night.

That’s right.

Four.

Well, I’m taking four ladies to dinner.  Not four different dinners. I couldn’t eat four dinners in a row.  Or even out of a row.

I let the chef know I was coming and bringing four attractive women with me.  He’s going to demand two of them.  I’ll let him choose which two he’d like.

And then I’ll take one back as a finder’s fee.

And he’ll only get one.

And I will get three.

And it will be RANDOM FTW!

5.  Well, after that brief week of nearly no writing… I do believe I am back in the saddle again.

1.  I caught Little Filthy contemplating some doody-snacking this morning.  When I turned a corner, I found him leaning over the box staring at a newly baked potato.  I said, “Hey!” He looked up and wagged his tail.  He only wags his tail when he’s nervous or you scratch his butt.  Monster.

2.  Tonight, I am taking both Boss and Instigator to an event with me.  We’re going to Food and Wine’s Entertaining Showcase at the Museum of Contemporary Art.  There will be some fantastic chefs, incredible food, and some great wine and spirits.  Should be fun.  I hope to have some pictures to share tomorrow.

3.  The Addams Family is opening here in Chicago before heading to Broadway in NYC.  I will be going to see it on Wednesday night.  Nathan Lane and Bebe Neuwirth are in it.    Let’s hope it’s better than Cats.

What the hell is going on with all of you?

1.  It’s chilly in Chicago.

My solution was to light the fireplace.

Little Filthy’s solution is to lean against me the entire night, leaching off my body heat.

2.  You know that kid?  The one supposedly in the balloon?  Yeah.  I’m already sick of that kid.

3.  I telecommuted today.  I hit the gym, walked home and jumped into the shower.

Why do people say that they ‘jumped’ into the shower?  I didn’t jump into the shower.  I actually just stepped over the side of the bathtub into the shower.

Anyway, when I got out of the shower, I decided I’d comb my hair in a completely different way to see if I could make it stand up in all different directions.  Except I don’t own a comb.  So I just ran my hands through my hair in all different directions.  No, I don’t have any good reason why I would do this.  None other than the fact that it is my head and I was curious and didn’t have to ask anyone’s permission.

My hair is naturally wavy so in about 20 minutes, I had quite the shaggy mess going on.  My hair is short but long enough to go wavy crazy, apparently.  I was pleased.

Except I had also been battling a headache all morning and QTMama convinced me to go get some Excedrin since I suspected a lack of caffeine was contributing to my headache and Excedrin has caffeine.

This meant I had to go out. With the wild hair.

I didn’t care.  You know why?

Because I don’t give a shit.

4.  I’m evolving.  Or reforming.  Whatever.  Basically, what I mean is that Besos said she wanted to see a movie and knew that I would not go see it with her because it is a chick flick.

Instead of complimenting her on her astute observation on my movie watching preferences, I said, “NO, I WILL BE HAPPY TO TAKE YOU. LET US GO PARTAKE IN SAID CHICK FLICK.”

So we’re going to see Whip It on Sunday.  Which, actually, shouldn’t be that bad as long as no one around me ends up bawling or something.

Bawling is a good word.

5.  I was going to have a #5 but it’s so stupid, I think I will make it its own blog entry.

1.  Besos came over last night and as she came inside she groaned and said, “Damn! I forgot my makeup! That’s like forgetting your underwear in Mexico.”

In case you’re wondering:  Correct response:  “You don’t need makeup!”  Incorrect response:  “What are you talking about? None of the Mexican girls I’ve ever met wore underwear.”

2.  Since we’re on the topic of me being stupid, I went into the bedroom last night and yelled out to Besos, “I’m ready!”  She yelled back, “For what?”  I called out, “To start making out!”

She came in and complied.  I then told her that I thought we should do another photo shoot and I might have suggested a picture of her butt.  For the blog.  (I was teasing but she does have a remarkable ass.)  She pulled back and looked at me and said, “You know, men read your blog, too.”

And to be honest, that might have escaped me since I don’t exactly seem to have a huge male following.  I said, “I don’t care. I’m not insecure.  If you run off, I’ll find another hot Latina.”

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