Random Esquire

1. Plush dancing = sexy.

2. No woman on her back can be naked enough.

3. Flirting = sexy.

4. Aggressive women = sexy.

5. Plush smells great. Have I mentioned?

1. Tomorrow, I get to tell someone that he or she is being unreasonable. I don’t know who it will be just yet. I haven’t decided. This is just one of the many perks of my job. Perhaps I will draw the name of one of my sales people out of a hat and call and explain how totally unreasonable said sales person is. Or better yet, how completely unreasonable a Customer is and then I will say to the sales person, “I trust you can relay this message to the Customer without me.” And then I will hang up and go to lunch.

2. I have spent too much of the past week biting my tongue instead of growling and saying to someone, “Shove it up your balloon knot.” Or something along those lines. While I’m quite sure that this is building character, I am also perfectly comfortable admitting that I would rather be building muscle tissue so that I might assist in the balloon knot shoving. I know this is wrong.

3. I would like to cook a good meal with Plush. Will someone volunteer to be my commis and do the mise en place so we can just walk into the kitchen and cook like we’re doing a damn show? I don’t want to spend my time chopping things when I could be chasing her down the hall.

4. I wish to Twitter more. Please to be joining the Twitter and adding me so I can bore you stiff with up to the minute details of absolutely nothing at all. You know why? Because I am damn good at saying absolutely nothing in 160 characters or less.

5. Final demand: Sex and praise. (Truly, are they not the bread and butter of the single life?)

1. My new television came yesterday. The UPS guy was cool and did not leave my packages in the mail room but hauled them all up to my door. (I had four large packages, in total.) I thanked him and he said, “I’m your regular UPS guy and I like to bring big packages up.” He got about halfway down the hall before a thought occurred to me and I yelled down to him, “Wait! This TV is replacing another one…would you like it?” So we both got something new for the weekend.

2. Plush and I went out last night. I do not quite know where to begin to explain the evening…except to say that a stranger planned out our lives for us and it included both children and an early retirement. I believe the names of the children were even decided. Plush kindly talked said stranger out of naming the child Vance.

3. Earlier in the week, Instigator relayed to me that Fresh Express was in the restroom taking, more or less, a sponge bath…except with paper towels. We have both decided that telling strangers stories about Fresh Express makes us look a bit like the teller of tall tales or outright liars. We could not make this stuff up.

1. Plush listens to NPR. This delights me. I can’t explain why. Maybe because I would not have guessed it and unpredictability is interesting.

2. During a conversation with Plush, I confessed that I have a thing for high-maintenance, crabby women. I realize that this really does not tend to work in my favor. Crabbiness is not a great thing to find arousing in a person since most people do not equate their crabby mood with gettin’ it on.

Why can’t I just be a normal weirdo and like feet or something? I don’t know why, but crabbiness sets my teeth on edge in a good way.

3. Plush made an audible cooing sound when I mentioned Atonement. Mind you, I was telling her about how I made fun of The Italian. But uh…yeah, I’d take her. I’d take her if it was only showing in the next state.

See? High-maintenance. Something is wrong with me.

1. We watched Ocean’s 13. I think I breathed an audible sigh of relief when I saw it in her hands.

2. Had a bad date lately? Check out this woman’s blog entry. This is a great blog. $10 to anyone who can get me a date with her. No, no! $20.

3. The Italian wrote a blog entry/contribution. I will post it this weekend.

4. I met a young woman a few weeks ago who is a blooming journalist considering law school. She’s wanted to ask me some questions about law school but our schedules haven’t meshed until today so we’re going to grab breakfast together.

5. Dinner plans with Plush. And no, not at a strip club.

6. I head to Las Vegas in two weeks for a few days with some buddies. I anticipate bad things.

1. Did you know that the price for a prostitute in Chicago goes up roughly 30% for the 4th of July holiday? This from An Empirical Analysis of Street-Level Prostitution by Levitt (of Freakonomics fame) and Venkatesh. Levitt praises Venkatesh in this blog entry for his work on Gang Leader for a Day. If you’re in Chicago and would like to hear a reading by Venkatesh himself on life in the inner city of Chicago, head over to the Hyde Park Borders store at 7 p.m. tonight. C-Span will be recording. See you there.

2. Perhaps I should take Plush to Plush.

3. I’m not sure what I’d think if I walked into a woman’s bedroom and this was on the bed. This review from someone in Virginia weirds me out: “For those of us committed to staying sexually pure and who still want to feel loved at night, this is a Godsend…!! And my compliments to the designers for not making it too “anatomically correct.” I can sleep without temptation! Praise the Lord!!!”

Then there’s this review by Robert: “I had never spooned before until i recieved my new fluffy companion.”

4. Yanked from the Mental Floss Blog entry: What’s the oldest thing you own?

5. What makes a great photo?

So. Gone on some dates but one woman, in particular, is making life more interesting on many levels. (Nickname: Plush) After a Friday night confession that I had never been to a strip club, Plush decided to rectify the situation on Saturday night.

Let me explain something. You know how some people can’t enjoy a musical because they can’t get past the fact that people don’t really burst into spontaneous song? That’s how I felt about strip clubs; I wasn’t sure I would enjoy it because I thought I wouldn’t get past wondering what the hell each girl’s story was. The Italian solved this for me by explaining that every stripper’s story was that she was working her way through college. Thank you, The Italian! Problem solved.

We went in a group to said strip club. The first thing that struck me was that there was valet parking. Now, I know I’m new at this but do they normally have valet parking? Having valet parking at a strip club strikes me a little like a prostitute leaving chocolates on your pillow. But what the hell do I know?

One of Plush’s friends surprised me by purchasing a lap dance for me. A stripper extended her hand to me and I took it, wide-eyed. It occurred to me that I should stand up before someone had to whisper to me, “She’s not going to hold your hand, you have to follow her.” So I followed her.

Now, not only was this a tad bit awkward, it was compounded by the fact that the entire table could look into the room and see me. (Frankly, the way I figure it, the more people concerned about my happiness, the better off I am, right?) The stripper had some after-market, non-factory parts and she proceeded to powder my cheeks with them. As someone who once suggested this method as the perfect alarm clock, I did not complain. There were the other random positions and shakes and then I made my way back to the table.

I returned the favor by getting a lap dance for the guy who had gotten me one and he requested the same stripper. When it was over, we compared notes. It seems she did the same odd thing – when she was giving us the motor boat treatment, she made little kissy noises. We also decided that when you lapdance (new verb – work with me) with someone, you lapdance with everyone they’ve lapdanced with…I said to the guy, “Dude, that means we’ve lapdanced.” This struck us as uproariously funny… because that’s what $10 beers do to you. You’ve already lost some of your judgment at that point.

So I can conclude by saying that it was not just another typical weekend in the Random household, thanks to Plush. I’ve averaged about 3-4 hours of sleep the last three nights. So, why am I still grinning?