Random Esquire

I sent a text message to Plush earlier this evening to ask her permission to divulge a little bit more about her life here in my blog.  She was in traffic safety school.

I said, “Is it too revealing to discuss [DEEP IMPORTANT SECRET]?”

She said, “Not as far as I’m concerned.”

I asked her another question to delve a little deeper, to which she responded:

“Still in traffic safety class.  Call you @ 10?  Teacher’s already annoyed with me for a masturbation story I told earlier.”

*Blink*

1. As I mentioned earlier, Plush is ill. Earlier today, I asked if she’d eaten anything. Her response: “Yes, I ate some soup, some Jamba, and some Chef Boyardee ravioli, and that last was probably not a great idea…” How about that. I didn’t now they still made Chef Boyardee. Or that he had the nerve to call himself a Chef. But, whatever.

2. Instigator did not have a good day. Too much travel and too many frustrations have left her feeling on the brink. The Company head cheese sent out a company-wide e-mail today on following the code of conduct. Instigator forwarded the e-mail to me and said, “Did you get this? Or was this directed specifically towards me? Just trying to figure out what I’ve done…”

I wrote back, “I didn’t get that. What’d you do? This time?”

Her response?

“I hate you.”

3. The Ballerina told us last night that she’d taken pole dancing lessons.

Pole dancing lessons.

I think I choked on my pie.

1. I went to lunch with Instigator today. It’s my Tuesday ritual with my work-girlfriend. I remarked that I welcomed the arrival of short skirts and heels. Instigator politely ignored me. I did not steal anyone’s lunch.

2. Dinner out tonight was great. I threw together a gathering of a bunch of people (who brought more people) and we all went to a French restaurant and indulged in great food, wine, and conversation. Plush, Benefactor, and The Ballerina came. There were ten of us in all and the conversation was lively and fun. Met some really great people. I dig it.

3. The Italian and I have been stretched to the outermost limits of our patience the last few days. I remain convinced that some of my sales people could be cut in two and they would simply re-grow like earthworms.

4. Have you ever taken a sleeping pill?

1.  I can’t tell if I am fascinated or slightly turned off by watching people chew.  I don’t mean watching them eat.  I mean, specifically, watching them chew.   There’s something so… atavistic about it.  I find myself thinking, “There is food in that person’s mouth which is too large for them to swallow, so they are mashing it up in their teeth and soaking it with saliva.”  That’s really just unflattering, for anyone.

2.  Speaking of, it sometimes strikes me as completely absurd that my entire life depends upon me continuing to put things in my mouth and swallowing them.   What the hell?  I’m pretty sure my mother spent the first 5 years of my life preventing me from this very activity.  But now, I’m destined to a life of it, more or less.  It’s a commitment.

3.  Speaking of, have you had a Chloraseptic lozenge lately?  If you have a sore throat or a cough, it feels good for about 5 minutes, max.  Then it just starts to suck but about 90% of the cough drop is left.  Putting one of those things in your mouth is a commitment.  And if you fall asleep with it in your mouth, you wake up in the morning with a numb tongue.

4.   Speaking of, I’m a morning person.  Do you know that most people dislike morning people?  I think it’s envy.  Envy that we wake up like dogs.  3 seconds upon waking, you’d never be able to tell we were asleep.  I wake up and think, “What’s next?”  This isn’t to say that I can’t be talked into staying in a warm bed.  Well, maybe not so much talked as convinced.

5.   Speaking of, Plush will be accompanying me to a small gathering on Thursday night.  She’s quite a peach.

1.  In case you hadn’t heard, I went to the ballet on Sunday.  You know what this means?  It means I r culchurd.  It was good and more meaningful to have gone with someone (The Ballerina) who knows what the heck is going on.  Unfortunately, The Ballerina was seated behind a woman with BIG! HAIR! who unwrapped a lot of candy during the performance… enough that she may have gained a pound during the show.  After the show, we ate ourselves stupid at a fondue place.  The Ballerina had fondue the first time I met her.  In fact, I’m not sure she eats anything other than fondue.  Apparently, ballerinas run on cheese.  Did you know?

2.  I almost just said, “Mmmmm, fondue.” but then I realized that I eat anything and everything so I could have just as easily have said, “Mmmm, food.”   Let’s face it, I could practically say, “Mmmmm, things that fit in my mouth.”  Practically, people.  I said practically.  Don’t get carried away.

3.   In case you missed it, check out Avitania’s blog about the wild night she and her husband had with Bev and LynchSeattle.  Lots of naked people.  And paint.  I’m not sure Chicago has something like that.  But, if they do, I have a feeling Plush would want to go.

4.  Little Filthy has been trailing me like a bad odor lately.  He won’t let me out of his sight.  I went to get the paper and he barked at me as I locked the door.  When I opened it, he was right there staring at me.  I chased him down the hall and at one point he was at the end of the hall on the rug, looking back at me, butt in the air, ready to bolt in case I gave chase again.  I leaned down and pulled on the end of the hallway rug, pulling him toward me.  You could tell that he had no idea what was going on as the floor seemingly moved below him.  He was afraid to move until he was about 6 inches from me.  Then I growled and grabbed him.  I think he dropped his blob.

5.  I drank about two quarts of lemonade that I thought had a funny taste to it.  But, whatever, I drank it.  I just finished the last of it and realized that the taste is soap. Or cilantro.  Nope, pretty sure it’s soap.

Weekend events prompted some discussion in my circle of friends on how to treat women. So I’m going to pull a page from my Guide to Women black book and list a few of my personal rules here.

1. If you’re with her, be with her. I don’t just mean that you shouldn’t have a wandering eye (which is insanely disrespectful) but be engaged. Pay attention not just to what she’s saying but to what she wants. Anticipate it and be responsive.

2. Jealousy. Maya Angelou said it best when she said that jealousy is like salt. A little bit enhances the savor but too much is unhealthy. Keep it in check.

3. Simple Sincerity. Sincerity and honesty go hand-in-hand. Women can smell dishonesty and BS a mile away. If jealousy is like salt, insincerity is like poison.

4. “I love you because…” Yes, women want to know that you love them. But they’d rather know why you love them, in particular. I don’t think this should be a revelation to anyone but most women aren’t that concerned about your ability to love. They can figure that out a million different ways on their own. I think women would like to know what it is, specifically, about them that sets them apart from any other woman walking the earth. Tell her why you love her.

5. Quit complaining. If you’re doing something that she enjoys but you don’t, don’t bitch and moan about it. You’ll spoil her enjoyment.

6. Compliments. Don’t ignore the obvious ones and don’t forget the thoughtful ones. If she looks incredible, tell her. Tell her what it is that she does that makes you happy. And if you want to pay the mother of all compliments, tell her a way in which she has changed you for the better. Women love to be the agent of change. Don’t be afraid to 1) make a sincere and thoughtful change and 2) tell her about it.

7. Don’t turn into a jerk around your friends. Really uncool. If you find yourself doing this… you’ll probably be without a girl soon and you should probably find some new friends.

8. Have some respect. She’s her own person with ideas, opinions, thoughts, and feelings. Don’t disrespect them.

9. Don’t have contempt. Don’t express your dissatisfaction with her in the form of contempt. It’s ugly. Learn a new way to tell her if something is bothering you.

10. Be funny and bring money. ‘Nuff said.

Plush, Benefactor, The Journalist and I headed out for a night of dancing last night. At one point in the evening, I went to the bar to get Plush a drink. As I stood there against the bar, she walked over (looking like a million bucks in red, I might add) and leaned in next to me. I reached out for her while trying to catch the bartender’s eye and I gently rest my hand on the bare skin of her arm and stroked it with my fingertips. I heard Plush say, “Um…,” and I turned around to see that I was, in fact, rubbing another woman’s arm where it rested on the bar between myself and Plush. Both Plush and this woman were looking at me with slightly amused grins on their face. I said, “I’m so sorry!” The other woman laughed and said, “Well, it felt nice.” Whoops.

I saw another friend at the bar… and said friend’s ditched date whom I had met just a bit earlier in the evening when they were still together. Not cool. I saw her walk up to the bar by herself, looking a bit upset, and excused myself from the group and walked over to her. I said, “Hey, let me buy you a drink. Come join us.” She smiled but did not say much. She was terribly kind and spent the majority of what remained of the evening with us. Benefactor charmed her and we discovered that she works near both Benefactor and me so we have tentative plans to all meet for lunch sometime. I hope that it pans out.

I spent the majority of the evening dancing with Plush, who moves like liquid. Liquid you’d like to bite. If it were possible to inhale her, I might have succeeded. Alas, she is out of town now for a week so I’m left trying to inhale a memory of the evening until we see each other again.

1. I went out for cocktails on Thursday night. We met at Reagle Beagle (named after the bar from Three’s Company). It was a diverse group of people with diverse interests and I had a very good time. I was struck by how rare it is that I find someone instantly interesting but the night was fruitful in this regard. I am always intrigued by the seemingly shy.

After getting home around 1, I ended up working for a few hours and so I was somewhat bleary eyed at work the next day.

2. Friday was a long day and included a meeting that I attended with about as much alacrity as I do when going to see the dentist. Or, say, a loan shark.

Meeting over, I felt like I could relax and finally get a good night of rest – something which has escaped me all week. Instead, I made progress toward ignoring my own advice on never dating an attorney because, as you know, attorneys somewhat suck it. Begijn, do you agree? Though, really Begijn is not a typical attorney. She is a ballerina dancer. Speaking of, I met another ballerina on Thursday night and she informed me that ballerinas are not supposed to have a butt. I thought perhaps she meant that ballerinas were not supposed to have a boo-tay but no, she meant butt. I did not know this. It seems somewhat unfair and contrary to those of us who are just beginning to appreciate ballet, no? Or ballerinas, for that matter.

3. Some women have flirting down to an art form. A melt-your-knee-caps art form. Speaking of fantastic flirts, I believe Plush and I will go dancing tonight. Some nights call for boogie shoes and I’m feelin’ it.

1. I anticipated a stressful day today and guess what? Work did not disappoint. I closed the office door, put in ear plugs and spread contracts out in front of me. I know the ear plugs are odd – but I am easily distracted and ear plugs equal instant concentration for me. At one point, I heard a knock at my door and because Kennedy had just been in my office, I thought it was him, coming back to toss more BS back and forth. I said, “Yoooooo!” as way of telling him to come in. My senior manager walked in instead, eyebrows raised.

Awesome.

2. Okay, I am just going to say this: I would not turn down Kellie Pickler. I don’t anticipate the opportunity – I’m just saying it in a moment of weakness. Extreme weakness. (Don’t mock me.)

3. I grabbed dinner and drinks after work with Boss. We were both slightly tipsy by dinner’s end.

4. My neighbor (we went out for St. Patrick’s Day) asked me to come with her as she walked her dog tonight. I went to her condo and walked in just as she came dancing down the hallway with a glass of wine in her hand, singing Spirit in the Dark: “Tell me, my brothers, my brothers, how do you feel? Do you feel like dancing? Get up there and let’s start dancing…” I couldn’t resist. I grabbed her and we danced back down the hallway. I dig that kind of uncontrolled energy.

I continue to go out on dates since Boss and I parted.  Some have been good, some have been less than so.  But I suppose it must say something that only one of my dates these past few months knows about my blog.  I think it was Ms Single Mama who said that blogs were a bit like a dating guide.  Like the books on our bookshelf, I think what a person chooses to write about is revealing.

Plush is on the road until Saturday this week for work, deliriously short on sleep.  She sent me an e-mail earlier while she browsed the airport stores and said, in part, this:

“It was here that I discovered the ultimate form of myself, what I can only aspire to and hope to one day achieve – Ultra Plush.  And entire wall of luxuriously rich products designed to remove you from your surroundings and create an alternate space of peace, calm, and absolute blissful comfort.  Thick pile socks and blankets, gel eye masks, neck pillows, anything you can imagine might make your 5 hour flight more comfortable is available in pink, tan and blue with the texture of Snuggles the Downey bear.

I want it all.  I also want to be it all.  Mostly, I just want to tear open every single package on that wall, throw every item onto the floor into a giant bed of decadence, and sleep for a week.  I’m off to find ice cream.  And coffee.  Miss you.”

Methinks Plush will need some pampering when she returns.  I think a hot bath, massage, and a good meal will be a start.  Let’s face it, at this point the airport news stand has her enchanted.  Surely I can beat that, right?