Random Esquire

1.  I plan on getting the Blackberry Storm tomorrow despite the ridicule I will face from the iPhone gang (Lynchseattle, Bev, Avitania).  I fully admit to being just nerdy enough to have been reading the forums at crackberry.com.  It’s a problem.

One of the strange things cell phone technology addicts do when a phone comes out is to video themselves actually opening the box. Yes, that sounds odd.  It’s like the nerd equivalent of filming the birth of a child that you’ll be fascinated with for about 6 months before you look forward to the next one so you can ditch the one you currently have.

Vodaphone released the phone a week ago and this guy from the UK filmed his “unboxing”.  The great part is that he did it in front of his wife, who refused to help as he tried to unbox the thing one handed, holding the camera in the other hand.  As he struggles, he says, “Come on, open, you bastard!”  She yells, “Start again!” to which he barks, “SHUT IT!”

People crack me up.

2.  Sitcom and I attended Food and Wine Magazine’s annual Entertaining Showcase at Chicago’s Museum of Contemporary Art.  These events have a tendency to be over-impressed with themselves and stuffy.  This one, though, was really quite nice and put Chicago Gourmet to shame.  I dared Sitcom to throw up in the middle of the black high heals and wine glasses.  (No, I don’t know why – I just have a weird sense of humor sometimes.) She then got on a tangent about bulimic food tasters that had me practically crying from laughing.

3.  Walking to work yesterday, I disturbed myself by thinking about how well my eyes work together.  This came about when I imagined each of them as a camera lens taking pictures from two slightly different positions/angles and how well that picture merged into one.  It’s a little jacked up.

We started our evening off with a fine dinner at MK.  Oysters on the half-shell and foie gras along with some cocktails to start.  MK generously gave us champagne to go with our meal.  I had their signature porkchop and my mother dined on whitefish with lobster.  We also ate, at Instigator’s suggestion, their pomme frites with truffle cream and let me tell you… I could have eaten them until I died.  They are on my “last meal request” list now.  We had a very light banana bread pudding with a salted caramel that was fantastic.  At one point in the meal, my mother said, “Are you going to take pictures?”  I said, “No…this meal is about you time so no pictures.”  I could tell she was happy but also sort of wanted pictures of the food to remember it all.  The good thing?  The manager happened to see my reservation (I assume that’s how he knew?) and came to the table and we talked about re-visiting the place to get some pictures of the food.  So it all worked out in the end.

Then we went to see Tina.  We were running a little bit behind so I hailed a cab.  The driver stopped, rolled down his window and said, “Where you going?”  I said, “United Center.” He said, “NO, no, I don’t want to go back there!” and then he started to drive off.  I barked, “BIG TIP!” and the brake lights went on.  We got in and got a fast ride over.  His tip was a throat punch.  Okay, not really.

Just before the show, Oprah walked in with Stedman and Gayle.  Flash bulb city.  Then…the show.  It was good and the first big concert my mother has ever been to.  She had a grin on her face the entire time.  My worries that she’d be distracted with thoughts of my grandmother’s health or a difficult family issue from almost exactly one year ago were calmed and that made me happy.  Anyway!  So, Tina Turner has “half-time” because, I suppose, the woman is 68 and just burned 3,000 calories in the first 45 minutes and needs to re-fuel with an Ensure.  The lights go up and my mother is glancing over at a bunch of people taking pictures. I said, “Who are they taking pictures of? Oprah?”  She said, “Some short little white guy.”

Yeah.  It was Tom Cruise.

So, just to recap the evening…

My evening involved my mother, Tina Turner, Oprah and Tom Cruise.

I’m officially gay.

There are two things you will do a great of if you happen to go to the Oprah show: wait and clap.

Until I have time, or unless there is some sort of demand for it, I will not do a fully detailed update but will leave it at a brief synopsis of the day.

Upon getting to the studio at 6:15, we checked in all electronic devices and were boarded on to buses and taken to a theater where we screened Across the Universe, directed by the same woman who directed Frida. The movie incorporate 30+ Beatles songs into a narrative. No trailers when you’re screening a movie, by the way. I’m surprised to note that many people will not forgo the movie experience of popcorn and nachos despite sitting down a movie at 8:15 in the morning. It was a decent movie. We were told right before the movie that the morning show’s guests were Justin Timberlake, Reba McIntire, and Kelly Clarkson. (Collective moans of disappointment were heard as we were the afternoon show.)

Following the movie, box lunches were provided to us as we filtered out and we re-boarded the buses. Back to the studio where we sat for a while before exiting the buses and standing in line for additional security which took a while because all purses were searched (and any paper or pens were confiscated, along with any residual electronics) and there were a lot of purses to be searched.

Then into a waiting room where we waited a good two hours. Finally, we were loaded into the studio and seated and an employee came and told us that the bigger the reaction and expression, the more likely it will be on television. Then we all practice “Ooos” and “Ahhs”. (No kidding) Then someone said, “She’s coming,” and all 315 audience members fell so silent and still, it was as if we were listening for the footsteps of death.

And then someone says, “Oprah Winfrey!” in a yell that reminded me of He-Man screaming “Castle Greyskull!” and out she walked. It was near hysteria. Vera Wang was the first guest and there was a runway show. Oprah told everyone that they’d be getting a gift bag with items from the SimplyVera collection (available at Kohl’s – Oprah makes sure you know this) which included a gold bracelet, purse, and bed linens. Then the director of the movie spoke and the actors/actresses came and sang songs from the movie.

It was a much more…intimate experience than I expected. Oprah grabbed my hand and shook it and Vera Wang and my mother actually chatted (this was not during the show). It was bizarre but in a pretty nice way. Thus ends my Oprah experience.

Airs Friday, September 14th.

Oprah’s peeps called me today. We are going to be screening a movie. At 6:30 a.m.

6:30 a.m.! That’s cockadoodle dark still. I think.

The guy (!) who called me said that “there will be popcorn.” I said, “Pancakes?” He said firmly, “Popcorn.”

I did ask what movie we’d be screening and he answered mysteriously, “I can’t tell you.” Turns out that a woman in my office is going to a taping as well, but on a different day. She said that Justin Timberlake is supposed to be doing an Oprah taping on the day I will be going. Apparently, though, Oprah tapes two shows a day so who knows if we will see him.

I told my mother all of this. She said, “Who is Justin Timberlake?”

We are going to be awesome Oprah audience members.