Random Esquire

1.  I plan on getting the Blackberry Storm tomorrow despite the ridicule I will face from the iPhone gang (Lynchseattle, Bev, Avitania).  I fully admit to being just nerdy enough to have been reading the forums at crackberry.com.  It’s a problem.

One of the strange things cell phone technology addicts do when a phone comes out is to video themselves actually opening the box. Yes, that sounds odd.  It’s like the nerd equivalent of filming the birth of a child that you’ll be fascinated with for about 6 months before you look forward to the next one so you can ditch the one you currently have.

Vodaphone released the phone a week ago and this guy from the UK filmed his “unboxing”.  The great part is that he did it in front of his wife, who refused to help as he tried to unbox the thing one handed, holding the camera in the other hand.  As he struggles, he says, “Come on, open, you bastard!”  She yells, “Start again!” to which he barks, “SHUT IT!”

People crack me up.

2.  Sitcom and I attended Food and Wine Magazine’s annual Entertaining Showcase at Chicago’s Museum of Contemporary Art.  These events have a tendency to be over-impressed with themselves and stuffy.  This one, though, was really quite nice and put Chicago Gourmet to shame.  I dared Sitcom to throw up in the middle of the black high heals and wine glasses.  (No, I don’t know why - I just have a weird sense of humor sometimes.) She then got on a tangent about bulimic food tasters that had me practically crying from laughing.

3.  Walking to work yesterday, I disturbed myself by thinking about how well my eyes work together.  This came about when I imagined each of them as a camera lens taking pictures from two slightly different positions/angles and how well that picture merged into one.  It’s a little jacked up.

We started our evening off with a fine dinner at MK.  Oysters on the half-shell and foie gras along with some cocktails to start.  MK generously gave us champagne to go with our meal.  I had their signature porkchop and my mother dined on whitefish with lobster.  We also ate, at Instigator’s suggestion, their pomme frites with truffle cream and let me tell you… I could have eaten them until I died.  They are on my “last meal request” list now.  We had a very light banana bread pudding with a salted caramel that was fantastic.  At one point in the meal, my mother said, “Are you going to take pictures?”  I said, “No…this meal is about you time so no pictures.”  I could tell she was happy but also sort of wanted pictures of the food to remember it all.  The good thing?  The manager happened to see my reservation (I assume that’s how he knew?) and came to the table and we talked about re-visiting the place to get some pictures of the food.  So it all worked out in the end.

Then we went to see Tina.  We were running a little bit behind so I hailed a cab.  The driver stopped, rolled down his window and said, “Where you going?”  I said, “United Center.” He said, “NO, no, I don’t want to go back there!” and then he started to drive off.  I barked, “BIG TIP!” and the brake lights went on.  We got in and got a fast ride over.  His tip was a throat punch.  Okay, not really.

Just before the show, Oprah walked in with Stedman and Gayle.  Flash bulb city.  Then…the show.  It was good and the first big concert my mother has ever been to.  She had a grin on her face the entire time.  My worries that she’d be distracted with thoughts of my grandmother’s health or a difficult family issue from almost exactly one year ago were calmed and that made me happy.  Anyway!  So, Tina Turner has “half-time” because, I suppose, the woman is 68 and just burned 3,000 calories in the first 45 minutes and needs to re-fuel with an Ensure.  The lights go up and my mother is glancing over at a bunch of people taking pictures. I said, “Who are they taking pictures of? Oprah?”  She said, “Some short little white guy.”

Yeah.  It was Tom Cruise.

So, just to recap the evening…

My evening involved my mother, Tina Turner, Oprah and Tom Cruise.

I’m officially gay.

So!  I got the rare opportunity to have a Press Pass to the taping of Oprah’s Season Premiere featuring all of the Olympic athletes.  Not being a dunce…I said, “Hell yeah.”  I was at Millennium Park by 6:45 a.m. to check in and stand in the press pit, awaiting the athletes.  Below, you can see some of the photos I shot.

More photos after the cut. (more…)

I’ll update later today with more pictures and the full story.

I met the Seattle peeps on Tuesday and it felt like a reunion. The real ice breaker was on that night after I went to the hotel and met up with LynchSeattle, Bev, and Avitania (who already did an awesome re-cap of the week!).  We decided to go for Chicago pizza and upon seeing the line for Gino’s East snake out the door and down the block, Avitania said, “What is this the line for?!  Head??”  I burst out laughing and that pretty much defined the humor and fun that was to come.

After stuffing ourselves on pizza, Besos met up with us and we went to Big Bar and we officially got blynched together.  My cheeks hurt from laughing so hard.

Wednesday -  After work, I met up with Bev and we went to a cocktail party which, quite honestly, stunk.  It was outside and the wind made it a bit uncomfortable.  We left early and went to the loft where Bev had her first meeting with Little Filthy and Boss.  Then off to Marche where we met with Avitania, her husband (C), LynchSeattle, Instigator, and Plush.  Lots of eating, drinking, and laughing.

Thursday -  C and LynchSeattle met me at the loft in the afternoon (while Bev and Avitania got pedicures) and we went to pick up wine for their dinner at Schwa where the four out-of-towners enjoyed the 9 course tasting, including lamb brains and sweetbreads for dessert.  Major props to Sitcom who scored the reservation.  Besos and I met up with them after dinner and went to a local pub where we sat outside and laughed so hard, my stomach hurt.   There may be footage of me singing Paradise by the Dashboard Lights.

Friday - I met up with the gang downtown in the morning and we did the Segway tour of Chicago.  LynchSeattle is like Steve Wozniak because he has a Segway in the office.  We zoomed around Chicago, snapping pictures and making bets on who would wipeout first.   Then we hit Chinatown for Vietnamese food.  The gang hit Shedd Aquarium.  We met back up at Ed Debevik’s for a rowdy dinner of burgers, malts, fries and more laughter.  The gang gave me a very, very nice wine stopper.  The server asked what it was and I told her it was an anal plug.  Only in Ed’s can you get away with this sort of thing.  Our bill came with a nice drawing of an anal plug on it.  Welcome to Chicago, people.

Saturday -  I picked up the peeps and we went to get a jump on the line at Hot Doug’s.  Yes, we were line for hot dogs at 10:30 in the morning.  I can not explain this to you except to say that just the day before, Anthony Bourdain was at this little joint eating.  It’s that good.  On the weekend, you can get french fries…made in duck fat.  Byes to C and Avitania who were catching a flight home and I dropped the peeps off downtown to get some Garrett Popcorn.  I met up with Bev and LynchSeattle at the Oprah Store (seriously) and we meandered back to the loft where we mixed drinks, ordered pizza, watched the opening ceremonies (thank you, TiVo), and talked cameras.  Chill and perfect.

Sunday -  Bev, LynchSeattle and I toured an art fair before heading to the John Hancock Observatory to enjoy the view.  The weather all week had been gorgeous and it was borderline chilly when we sat outside afterwards, eating lunch.  Then to the hotel to pick up luggage before heading to the train where we said our byes.

I can’t begin to capture just how much fun I had this past week.  The Seattle peeps are great, kind, hilarious, fun people.  Now I’ve got to get my butt up to Seattle in October and hope for warm enough weather that LynchSeattle and I can go sky-diving.  Woot!

There are two things you will do a great of if you happen to go to the Oprah show: wait and clap.

Until I have time, or unless there is some sort of demand for it, I will not do a fully detailed update but will leave it at a brief synopsis of the day.

Upon getting to the studio at 6:15, we checked in all electronic devices and were boarded on to buses and taken to a theater where we screened Across the Universe, directed by the same woman who directed Frida. The movie incorporate 30+ Beatles songs into a narrative. No trailers when you’re screening a movie, by the way. I’m surprised to note that many people will not forgo the movie experience of popcorn and nachos despite sitting down a movie at 8:15 in the morning. It was a decent movie. We were told right before the movie that the morning show’s guests were Justin Timberlake, Reba McIntire, and Kelly Clarkson. (Collective moans of disappointment were heard as we were the afternoon show.)

Following the movie, box lunches were provided to us as we filtered out and we re-boarded the buses. Back to the studio where we sat for a while before exiting the buses and standing in line for additional security which took a while because all purses were searched (and any paper or pens were confiscated, along with any residual electronics) and there were a lot of purses to be searched.

Then into a waiting room where we waited a good two hours. Finally, we were loaded into the studio and seated and an employee came and told us that the bigger the reaction and expression, the more likely it will be on television. Then we all practice “Ooos” and “Ahhs”. (No kidding) Then someone said, “She’s coming,” and all 315 audience members fell so silent and still, it was as if we were listening for the footsteps of death.

And then someone says, “Oprah Winfrey!” in a yell that reminded me of He-Man screaming “Castle Greyskull!” and out she walked. It was near hysteria. Vera Wang was the first guest and there was a runway show. Oprah told everyone that they’d be getting a gift bag with items from the SimplyVera collection (available at Kohl’s - Oprah makes sure you know this) which included a gold bracelet, purse, and bed linens. Then the director of the movie spoke and the actors/actresses came and sang songs from the movie.

It was a much more…intimate experience than I expected. Oprah grabbed my hand and shook it and Vera Wang and my mother actually chatted (this was not during the show). It was bizarre but in a pretty nice way. Thus ends my Oprah experience.

Airs Friday, September 14th.

Oprah’s peeps called me today. We are going to be screening a movie. At 6:30 a.m.

6:30 a.m.! That’s cockadoodle dark still. I think.

The guy (!) who called me said that “there will be popcorn.” I said, “Pancakes?” He said firmly, “Popcorn.”

I did ask what movie we’d be screening and he answered mysteriously, “I can’t tell you.” Turns out that a woman in my office is going to a taping as well, but on a different day. She said that Justin Timberlake is supposed to be doing an Oprah taping on the day I will be going. Apparently, though, Oprah tapes two shows a day so who knows if we will see him.

I told my mother all of this. She said, “Who is Justin Timberlake?”

We are going to be awesome Oprah audience members.

I told Boss I was excited to go to the Oprah show because it will be the closest I come to meeting Jesus. Boss doesn’t find me as funny as I’d like, sometimes.

Admittedly, I am a bit curious about what happens once we get into the studio. The polite woman who called me said that no cell phones or cameras were allowed and that there would be a “search” prior to entering the studios. I also have no idea what the show topic will be and I am hoping that I don’t have to spend an hour seated next to my mother while Oprah and her guests discuss sex. While I’m tempted to smuggle in a camera of some sort, I am pretty sure that, like Jesus, Oprah has x-ray vision and will promptly evacuate me from the premises.

Boss has asked that I relay to Oprah her sincere desire to meet Madonna and impress upon Oprah how this is her life’s dream and this would then be the happiest day of Boss’s life.

What am I, chopped liver over here?

You may recall that I went to see Diana Ross with my father. Mind you, this was not so much my choice as it was a result of my mother deciding she found my father unbearable a few hours before the concert. The tickets were a gift from me to them for their anniversary. Life loves irony, right?

Well, I think I can top that. Boss sent an e-mail to Oprah’s show, requesting tickets and, for some reason, she put my name down like I had sent the e-mail - complete with my mobile number. I vaguely recall her mentioning it and I really recalled it when I got a call today from Oprah’s show saying that I had two tickets.

I called Boss and guess what? She can’t go. Not only might she have jury duty, she has training for her new job. She asked her mother if she could make it in town to go and she (a teacher as well) could not make it, either.

You know what that means?

It means I am taking my mother to Oprah’s show.