Random Esquire

Waiting under the table.

1. Who are these people in those ads who wash their dishes with paper towels?   You know what we call strong paper towels?  Cloth.  Quit being wasteful.

2.  I think I touched a dog duke with my finger today.  Hole in the poop bag.  That’s an unpleasant surprise.  I wouldn’t say it’s up there with discovering a hole in a condom.  But it’s up there.

3.  IKnow! had a baby. She worked on her blackberry while in the hospital, while in labor.  Of course, she told everyone she was in labor so they would recognize her dedication.  Sycophant.  I let our boss know she had her baby.  I also told him that she cut the umbilical cord with her blackberry.

4.  You know what makes you feel bad?  When you accidentally bonk your dog on the nose and he pauses, squints his eyes and shakes out a sneeze.  Sorry, little man.

5.  I’m hungry. Somebody feed me!

He fell asleep with his face on his paws, leaving it smooshed.

1.  Editor recently sent me a text that said: “You know what kills me? Lack of the 3 V’s.  Validation, Vacation, and pussy.”

2.  I’ve had the same vacuum for 10 years. So on a whim, I bought a new one. Guess what?  Little Filthy hates it as much as the old one.  I probably shouldn’t have tried the pet hair removal attachment directly on him.  Turns out, it’s for furniture.

3.  Speaking of the beast, he got his stitches removed.  When we walked into the vet, he clearly recalled the last horrible visit and without squatting or any pre-game fanfare, he pooped a tiny poop right between my shoes.

4.  If you follow me on Twitter, you also heard about how, during a recent off-leash romp at the park, he pinpointed the most attractive woman at the park, ignored her dogs and instead, walked over to her leashes on the ground and promptly peed on them.  Fortunately, he was more or less on empty and she could not stop laughing.

5.  I love how Woody Allen has come out in defense of Roman Polanski.  Next up in defense of Polanski: Casey Anthony and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

6.  I like Betty White but I’m sort of tired of her shtick.  I am suffering from “sweet looking grandma says dirty things” overload.

7.  I had my mobile phone in my pocket the other day when I walked into the restroom at the office.  Someone was in a stall.  As I was…let us say…’mid-motion’, I received a text message and my phone said, a la Quagmire from Family Guy:  “Heh heh.  Alllllriiiiight.”  At first, I grinned.  Then I wondered if said person thought I had said it.  That wiped the grin off my face.

8.  I think it’s funny when people refer to “the business end” of something, meaning the butt.

9.  The last few weeks, I have felt a combination of many feelings and today, my frustration has culminated into a feeling of recklessness.  That’s not really a great thing, going into a weekend.

10.  My leg is completely asleep right now.  It reminds me once, when I was a teenager, that I fell asleep and woke to the sound of the phone ringing in the other room.  I scrambled out of bed onto a leg that was completely asleep and nerve dead and I fell flat on my face.  I didn’t let that faze me.  I got right back up and fell down again.

I didn’t know it was going to be an allegory.

Little Filthy had surgery on Thursday.  He had a lump/wart thingy removed from his front paw and, since he was going to be out anyway, a teeth cleaning.  He was dropped off at 7 a.m. without his breakfast.  When I picked him up at 5 p.m., they gave me back a groggy, drunk dog who was hungry and tried to gnaw into a bag of dog food on display while I paid the bill.

Here’s a picture of his shaved leg with some stitches – sorry for the quality. I took it on my phone in dim lighting and probably that was for the best.  It looks like a big black ant with long antennae on a wound.

Today, I had to step out for a while so I put on his cone.  His cone of shame.  See, he wore it when we walked out of the vet’s office (not too skillfully, I’ll add – he snagged the cone on ever corner or door or piece of furniture, etc.)  but as he has not been alone since then, he hasn’t worn the cone and has just been under careful watch.  However, because he was going to be alone, I put on his cone and left him standing on the entry-way rug, staring at the door and giving me  look of “WHAT. THE. F*CK.”

I came home about an hour later and found him… in the exact same position, staring at the front door – having not moved in an hour.  His face said, “No, Seriously.  WHAT. THE. F*CK.  I look like Queen Elizabeth.”

So I took the cone off and put a loose band-aid on his leg.  He’s much happier now.

I wish Little Filthy had discretion.  Not a lot.  Just enough.  Enough to, say:

• tell the difference between which noises in the hall are worth barking at and which are not;
• realize that Attorney isn’t hurting Besos when they do that thing;
• understand that food on the counter is not okay to jump up and snatch but food on the floor is fair game;
• realize that humping toys is less acceptable in front of guests; and
• tell the difference between food and poo.

*sigh*

1.  I decided on a late night shower this evening.  I undressed and was going to get into the shower when I decided to lower the thermostat.  I walked out into the living room / kitchen naked and realized that the dishwasher had just finished the wash cycle.   I decided to open it instead of having it go through the dry cycle.  I flipped the latch, opened it a bit…

and damned if I didn’t almost steam my genitals.

2.  On the train this morning, I observed a young man whose natural expression was… slack jawed.  His lips were like two ships that pass in the night but never meet.  I don’t get it.  But I sat there and thought of all the other jacked up analogies I could make about his teeth.  Like, his upper lip was a window shade that wouldn’t pull down.  Or his upper lip was like a belly shirt that exposed too much teeth.  Dumb shit like that.

3.  I asked my sister her thoughts on towel sharing and informed her that some people wash their towels after every use.  Her response was, “Those people never went to college.”

4.  Editor and I had a beer outdoors on Friday night.  In the vein of being keenly observant, there was a woman at the next table and I could not help but notice her.  This is because her chin seemingly never met a jaw of any type but simply bled into her neck.  With her hair pulled back, she was remarkably turtle-like.  I suppose some people just inevitably get compared to animals.  I think, perhaps, the turtle is not so much a flattering comparison.

5.  My niece and nephew are big Little Filthy fans.  When they saw him on Sunday, I explained that he had received a shot in the leg and it had made his leg sore.   Remember when my niece pointed to Little Filthy’s exit door and asked, “What’s that hole?”   Well, this time, my nephew pointed to it and said, “is that shot? boo boo!”  Yeah.  He thinks Little Filthy’s hole is where he got his shot.  I don’t bother explaining things but cautioned against touching anything.

6.  I got my hair cut last week at a new place.  This means that I did not receive the kind ministrations of The Bumper.  The Bumper is the pretty young woman who would wash my hair prior to my cut and she would…*ahem* …bump me.  Honestly, people, it’s hard not to grin just typing that.  Anyway – no Bumper so therefore, no bumps.  Because, in case you didn’t know, it’s rude to dive for a bump.  Now you know. It’s one to grow on.

7.  When Little Filthy was at the vet last week, his anal glands were expressed.  The vet said: “they were quite full.”  This somehow makes me feel negligent.  I decided to see if I could learn how to do this so perhaps I could take care of this little issue when giving Little Filthy a bath.  Naturally, I turned to Youtube.

After a few videos, I decided that there are some things best left to the vet…  left to the vet and some dark room in the back where no one talks about what’s going on or what they’ve seen.

Little Filthy didn’t want to move this morning.  He usually is up and down the hall, up on to the bed, back down to check his bowl to see if it has magically filled, etc.  He’s a whirling dervish, minus the prophetic insight.  But this morning?

Lump.

Lump of Filthy.

He had been limping a little last night and it just seemed to have gotten worse. He didn’t want to move at all.  This morning?  He hardly even wanted to eat – and then, only when I picked him up and set him down on his tripod legs in front of the bowl.  I think I stared at him, a little glassy eyed, and said, “Vet” and Besos nodded.

Took him to the vet immediately and turns out that the rabies shot he got yesterday (he was there for a check-up) made his leg so sore, he didn’t want to move.  He got an anti-inflammatory shot and some drugs and should be better in a day or so.

It is wrong that one of my first thoughts was hitching his ass up on a sling between two wheels so he could wheel around like a race car?

1.  Mopey people should be put down.  Okay, so, maybe not put down for life.  But maybe just put down for a nap or something until they can sort themselves out and be ready to join in life again with a bit better of an attitude.  I am pretty sure I could never be a therapist unless “Get over it!” was a legitimate school of thought.

2.  Is a fountain pen pretentious?  Because I got one and really dig it and upon finding out, a friend remarked, “Doesn’t that make you feel pretentious?”

I think that is because she is envisioning this. (Yes, that’s a $57,000 fountain pen)

Instead of this.

I’m pretty sure that you’re not allowed to be pretentious with a clear, plastic, $24 fountain pen – which is what I’m using.

You know what cracks me up?  The reviews for that $57K fountain pen.  One says, “It is a pen. You write with it. It costs $57,000. What is wrong with you?“  heh.

The other says: “…A lovely choice for collectors of fine writing instruments but I was a bit disappointed the ink is a bit pricey.”  Really?  You’re disappointed that the ink is pricey for your $57,000 fountain pen? Really?  Guaranteed that guy is an asshole.

People boggle me.

3.  I woke up this morning when a warm dog tongue and a cold nose made contact with my face.

I suppose I can’t blame him.  He doesn’t know how to just put bacon in a pan and let it happen the natural way.

11:30 a.m.  sunshine. sleep with blanket.

1:30 p.m. move with sun to couch.  take blanket with.

2:00 p.m.  fell asleep mid-stretch.

3:00 p.m.  something on paw.

3:10 p.m.  nope. back to sleep.