Random Esquire

1. I have the song “You picked a fine time to leave me, Lucille” in my head. Except, I keep saying, “You picked a fine time to leave me, loose wheel” because of some goofy joke I heard as a child.

2. I’m going to write a book called “You’re so vain, you probably think my Facebook status is about you.” Maybe. Or maybe I will call it “You’re so vain, you probably think this FAP FAP FAP is about you.”

3. I cleaned behind my fridge for the first time in years. I found something that belonged to Boss – it was candy. It somehow made me remember one time when I had done something that had upset her. I drove 200 miles and stood outside her place, which I think was on the 7th floor, called her and told her to look out the window where I was holding a huge posterboard sign that said, “I’m sorry.”

4. Christmas is almost here. Someone is excited.

1.  Besos and I were sitting on the couch the other day.  I happened to glance at her and then, without thinking, I blurted out,

“You look pretty Mexican.”

She slowly turned her head and stared at me.

I said, “…You.  Look.  Pretty.”

She turned back to the television.

2.  Besos celebrated a birthday on Friday.  This means that on Thursday, I had to sneak a bouquet of flowers into the place and hide them so I could wake up at 4 a.m. and put them out so she could wake up to flowers.  It’d be sort of bogus if she woke up without flowers.  Then we went to dinner and she was pleasantly surprised to find roses at the table already, waiting for her.

Girl + Flowers =

3.  At dinner, I ate a really good ribeye (on the bone) that had been aged 4 weeks.  It makes me want to get a small fridge just to age meat.

Little Filthy got, for the first time in his life, a bone.  Mind you, I didn’t just hand it to him because I’m pretty sure he’d scuttle under the bed to enjoy his treat.  Rather, I held the frenched end in my hand and let him gnaw away – which he did at a furiously fast pace.

I have joked that some people could be summed up in one short phrase.

For instance, I had a friend who was a complete know it all and I thought his phrase should be: “A little knowledge is a dangerous thing.”

Then there is Avitania who manages to say the most offensive thing you’ve ever heard.  Every time you see her.  Her phrase would be: “One step too far.  One step too far.”

QTMama’s phrase? “One for the road!”

Then there is my buddy:  “I know a guy.”

Little Filthy’s phrase would be, “I’d eat that.”

The other night, in bed, I asked Besos, “What would my phrase be?”

She thought for a while and said, “Sit on my dick?”

I froze in place and then turned my head toward her, trying to figure out what the hell was going on.

Then, I realized.

The other day, I was talking about some situation and I used the phrase ‘get off my dick‘.  (I was not using the phrase toward Besos but rather describing a situation.)  I then had to explain the phrase to Besos as meaning “lay off” or “get off my back”.

This, apparently, was the first phrase that came to her mind.  Or, rather, some variation of it.

I said, “honey, the phrase is ‘get off my dick‘ and that wouldn’t be my phrase!”

She just grinned.

So it’s a toss up between “I can’t be bothered” or “Who gives a shit?”

What’s your phrase?

1.  I have been considering deleting my blog.  I had typed out the entry to let people know when Besos leaned over, put her hand on mine and said, “Wait.  Just wait a bit longer.”

2.  Grocery shopping with Besos is strangely arousing.

3.  Little Filthy went to the park today.  He peed 27 times.

I WISH I WAS KIDDING.

4.  On Thursday evening, my father sent me a text message at 10 p.m. and informed me that my mother had gone to lunch and had not yet returned.  I frowned.  I called him to speak with him.  She had also forgotten her mobile phone at home so my father could not reach her.  By 11, I sent a text to my sister to ask if she’d spoken with Mom recently.  She hadn’t.  By 11:30, I was staring at the ceiling wondering about when people say that one call can change your life – and I wondered if this was my day?

She arrived home later.  She’d gone to dinner, not lunch.  She felt terrible that the entire family was ready to stroke out.

I took a very deep breath and do not remember falling asleep.

1.  Little Filthy has some sort of bizarre obsession with Besos’s hair.  The moment she rests her head on a pillow, he is next to her, pressing his nose in her hair and then rubbing against her head.  The moment she gets up, he dive bombs her pillow and gives it a full body slam.  I don’t get it.

2.  Do you know that when you live with someone, it’s like… someone helps you live life.  Dude, how cool is that?

3.  One of the things Besos is learning about dog ownership is that Little Filthy sure enjoys a healthy drink of water.  This means he has frequent urges.  This evening, I overheard Besos informing Little Filthy that she was going to put a rubberband on his wiener.

It’s a tightly run ship over here, folks.

Rubbermoon sent a gift for Little Filthy. He loves it!

On Monday night, I went out to eat.  I returned home and promptly snapped my key off in the lock to my front door.  I proceeded to try to tug out the snub of key, thereby rattling the doorknob around.  This, of course, informed Little Filthy that I was home.  However, it also appeared to inform him that while I was home, I was completely uninterested in seeing him or seeing to the needs of his bowels.  As I wiggled the key, I heard long, wretched cries from the other side of the door.  Actually, as I write this, it threatens to be unbelievably long.  Let me just summarize:

Locksmith comes.  Proceeds to stick it to me.  Drills out the lock. Wants to install another lock.  I decline his offer to install a $20 lock for $120.  Fuck that.  I’ll just kill anyone who walks through the bloody door.

Next day, I wake up to find cherry stems spread around living room.  Stupidly, I left cherry pits on the coffee table.  Little Filthy attempts to look innocent while I have a Come-To-Jesus-Moment.

Cherry pits = Toxic.

Cherry pits = cyanide.

Website searching, friend asking, dog eyeballing.

Emergency Vet call.

Hydrogen peroxide goes down Little Filthy’s throat, to his complete surprise, disgust, and amazement.

Little Filthy stares.  I reach under him and wiggle his belly.

Vomit.

Cherry pits.

Little Filthy STARE.

Sorry, Little Filthy.

1.  I start Spanish classes on Thursday.  Just think…in 8 short weeks, I’ll be president of Mexico!

2.  I will no longer say “piece of shit.”  I’m going to say “chunk of shit” – it’s got a little something…more to it.

3.  Now…let’s be clear.

I didn’t shrink his head.

Or stick clown feet on him.

That’s just how he looks.

When he’s sitting up.

On the couch.

Like a person.

1. It’s hard to write a blog entry.

When a dog insists on standing on you and staring at you.

2.  I ate a mango today.  For some reason, I decided I would just peel it and eat it off of the pit.  Except, this wasn’t a small champagne mango. This was one of those big ass mangoes that white people buy because it is red and orange and pretty.

Dude. This was a mistake.

When I was done, it was like someone had put privacy curtains between each of my teeth.

3.  I saw my parents and their new $600 blender yesterday.  My mother gave me their throw-away $300 blender.  I had to ask.

I said, “Mom, what the hell are you two blending that you need that machine?”

Because the only thing I’ve seen them use the thing for is fruit smoothies.

My mom said, “It makes awesome margaritas!”

I said, “Mom, you don’t drink.”

“I might start.”

Now, really, my mother does occasionally drink but pretty rarely.  I said, “You have maybe two margaritas a year.”

My father grunted and said, “Those are three hundred dollar margaritas.”

Happy father’s day!

1.  My nephew is going through potty training.  My mother visited my sister and her family this weekend and was a witness to the magic that is potty training a little boy.  My mother informed me that she instructed my nephew to “hold it” while he stood in front of the toilet.  He did and then withdrew his hand again and looked up at my mother and said, “My pee-pee has a booger on it.”  I mean, I can understand why he didn’t want to hold something with a booger on it.  So you can hardly blame the kid.

2.  I spent Memorial Day on Lake Michigan, salmon fishing on a chartered boat.  One of the salty older men who was along on the trip told me a lot of stories that made me laugh.  When in college, he and a buddy thought that they would sign up for dance lessons as a way to meet girls.  They walked to the class congratulating themselves and when they got there, each was given a mannequin on roller skates.  He said it was horrible.

3.  I got a Droid Incredible. This means that I may become perfectly obnoxious posting pictures of everything because it is now super easy from my phone.  Having said that, while I understand that some of you (especially if you follow me on twitter) would appreciate a picture of Turtle or Permanently Pregnant girl, I have learned my lesson about trying to take pictures of people in public places.  I am reformed.

4.  The dog and I are going to have a beer and finish watching the hockey game.

CAUSE THAT HOW WE DO.