Random Esquire

1.  Big thanks to LynchSeattle who provided a fix to my website issues.

2.  A certain someone I know has a roommate with questionable taste.  And by questionable taste, I mean undeniably bad taste.  Like, sweatshirts featuring wolves baying at a full moon kind of bad taste.  You get what I’m saying?  I’m talking about BEDAZZLED bad taste.  Anyway, someone questioned how well my friend knew her roommate prior to moving in together.  “Do you know her middle name? You should know her middle name!”  That struck me as a completely absurd guage on how well two people know each other.

Then I wondered if John McCain knew  Sarah Palin’s middle name.  I doubt it.  He doesn’t even know how many homes he owns.

3.  It occurred to me last night that no one has ever made me a decent cup of coffee (outside of a cafe/store).

4.  I’m buying a webcam.  I’m going to hook that puppy up and then watch to see what the hell Little Filthy does all day while I’m gone.

5.  I wish doing the laundry ended with the tossing the clothes in the dryer bit.  You know.  None of that folding and putting away BS.  Some days, I miss those laundry elves.

1.  It’s official. I may want to be LynchSeattle.  A visit to Chicago and I’m buying an SLR this morning to I can learn to take photos that come anywhere near to what he managed to capture here, during our dinner at Marche.  You want food porn? That’s it.

2.   You know the saying “Liquor before beer, never fear” and “Beer before liquor, never sicker” ?  I get that the rhyming scheme is supposed to make it easy to remember this general rule.  But what’s to keep someone from remembering it as “liquor after beer, never fear” or “beef after liquor, never sicker”?  Which seems like a bad mistake, really.  That is, if there is any truth to it.

3.  I’m struck by the number of people who use their butt to open doors, even when their hands are free.

4.  Good Grief.  I’m sitting at the computer desk which has a pull out drawer for the keyboard.  Little Filthy just jumped to put his paws on the chair to give me a toy and he clocked his head on the corner of the keyboard drawer.  He spit out the toy instantly and looked at me.  He sneezed and then walked it off.  Attaboy.

I did go rub his noggin softly for good measure.

5.  I was invited to a tasting event at a new club here in Chicago.  The restaurant specializes in raw foods - crudo, sashimi, tartare, etc.  I took Boss and we then dined around the corner at a place she likes.  We sat down and were served two drinks and before we got far with those, they had made us 3 more.   Oy.  Blynchness.  Some pictures below.

I met the Seattle peeps on Tuesday and it felt like a reunion. The real ice breaker was on that night after I went to the hotel and met up with LynchSeattle, Bev, and Avitania (who already did an awesome re-cap of the week!).  We decided to go for Chicago pizza and upon seeing the line for Gino’s East snake out the door and down the block, Avitania said, “What is this the line for?!  Head??”  I burst out laughing and that pretty much defined the humor and fun that was to come.

After stuffing ourselves on pizza, Besos met up with us and we went to Big Bar and we officially got blynched together.  My cheeks hurt from laughing so hard.

Wednesday -  After work, I met up with Bev and we went to a cocktail party which, quite honestly, stunk.  It was outside and the wind made it a bit uncomfortable.  We left early and went to the loft where Bev had her first meeting with Little Filthy and Boss.  Then off to Marche where we met with Avitania, her husband (C), LynchSeattle, Instigator, and Plush.  Lots of eating, drinking, and laughing.

Thursday -  C and LynchSeattle met me at the loft in the afternoon (while Bev and Avitania got pedicures) and we went to pick up wine for their dinner at Schwa where the four out-of-towners enjoyed the 9 course tasting, including lamb brains and sweetbreads for dessert.  Major props to Sitcom who scored the reservation.  Besos and I met up with them after dinner and went to a local pub where we sat outside and laughed so hard, my stomach hurt.   There may be footage of me singing Paradise by the Dashboard Lights.

Friday - I met up with the gang downtown in the morning and we did the Segway tour of Chicago.  LynchSeattle is like Steve Wozniak because he has a Segway in the office.  We zoomed around Chicago, snapping pictures and making bets on who would wipeout first.   Then we hit Chinatown for Vietnamese food.  The gang hit Shedd Aquarium.  We met back up at Ed Debevik’s for a rowdy dinner of burgers, malts, fries and more laughter.  The gang gave me a very, very nice wine stopper.  The server asked what it was and I told her it was an anal plug.  Only in Ed’s can you get away with this sort of thing.  Our bill came with a nice drawing of an anal plug on it.  Welcome to Chicago, people.

Saturday -  I picked up the peeps and we went to get a jump on the line at Hot Doug’s.  Yes, we were line for hot dogs at 10:30 in the morning.  I can not explain this to you except to say that just the day before, Anthony Bourdain was at this little joint eating.  It’s that good.  On the weekend, you can get french fries…made in duck fat.  Byes to C and Avitania who were catching a flight home and I dropped the peeps off downtown to get some Garrett Popcorn.  I met up with Bev and LynchSeattle at the Oprah Store (seriously) and we meandered back to the loft where we mixed drinks, ordered pizza, watched the opening ceremonies (thank you, TiVo), and talked cameras.  Chill and perfect.

Sunday -  Bev, LynchSeattle and I toured an art fair before heading to the John Hancock Observatory to enjoy the view.  The weather all week had been gorgeous and it was borderline chilly when we sat outside afterwards, eating lunch.  Then to the hotel to pick up luggage before heading to the train where we said our byes.

I can’t begin to capture just how much fun I had this past week.  The Seattle peeps are great, kind, hilarious, fun people.  Now I’ve got to get my butt up to Seattle in October and hope for warm enough weather that LynchSeattle and I can go sky-diving.  Woot!

1. Little Filthy likes to dig in any bag you happen to leave on the ground. Laptop bag? Check. Gym bag? Check. Purse? Check. The last few times Besos has been over, he’s managed to get into her bag and take out a metal tin of mints. We realized only when we heard him shaking it with his mouth, trying to open it. He’s eaten a pack of gum out of Boss’s purse, as well. Today, I heard him in the other room and Besos said, “I zipped my bag. He can’t get in it.” I wasn’t so sure. I walked back and saw Little Filthy with his head entirely inside her overnight bag. His head emerged and something dropped out of his mouth and on to the ground. I leaned over, picked it up and blinked.

It was a g-string.

I handed it to Besos. She sighed, took it from me and said, “Well, he’s definitely your dog.”

2. My buddy (the same who suggested I upgrade to first class on our ride to hell) participated in the Chicago Dragon Boat races this past weekend. (See picture example here.) Apparently, he wasn’t on the winning team. He complained about the difficulty of competing against the fire department and the police department. He said, “Those dudes are all like 6 foot 3…and I know you’re required to have six women on each team but they ought to make you have six actual Asians on a team.” Yeah. He’s Asian.

3. I am once again struck by the fact that I find the borderline offensive funny. I said something *cough* tongue-in-cheek to Boss tonight to which she responded, “You’re RIDICULOUS.” But you know what? I don’t think you’re allowed to tell me I’m horrible if you’re laughing when you say it. In fact, I’m pretty sure that just encourages me.

4. Take a look at that handsome devil! Chip off the old block, that g-string stealin’ little monster.

1. Little Filthy is resting on the couch with me. He has an odd habit. He moans. When he’s really sleepy, he moans and groans. And if you touch him, he moans like it’s the best thing since walks and parks and biscuits. It’s actually a bit disconcerting because it is so loud, people can hear it on the other end of the phone. Which, I imagine, is rather disconcerting for them, as well.

2. The Seattle Gang is comin’ to Chicago. Bev, LynchSeattle, and Avitania. I suspect we will get blynched, which is code for getting drunk. I would like it if they met Boss, Plush, and Besos. However, upon some reflection, I realized perhaps not all at once.

3. Instigator and I have a date Thursday night. It’s a fake-date. A fate, if you will. Wait, no, that isn’t quite right. It’s a Dake. Well, you get my point.

4. You can’t make this stuff up, people.

“APPLETON, Wisc. (NEWSCHANNEL 3) - A couple in Wisconsin telephoned police in the middle of the night after finding a man in their basement covered head to toe in barbecue sauce.

“He told the officers that it was urban camouflage,” said the homeowner.”

5. QTMama did an entry on spooning. About a week ago, she asked me if I was a sleep-toucher and said that I didn’t seem like one. I don’t think I know any more. But I was surprised that she could get this impression because I didn’t even know it was an impression people gave. I don’t seem like a sleep toucher?

You know who loves to spoon? Little Filthy. The second you are on your side, he jumps on the bed, flops down and pushes his back as close as it can get to your chest and puts his head on your pillow.

And moans.

I spoke with my sister tonight.  My niece is 2 and my nephew is 4 1/2 months old.  She said, “I’m going to get the kids baptized.”

I said, “Oh, yeah? What prompted that?”

(Just for the record, I realize the correct answer is “Jesus” but I asked, nonetheless.)

My sister said, “Well, you know I’m not all Catholic but it’s easier to do this when they are young. Otherwise, it’s a pain in the ass if they decide to get baptized later.”

Did I mention that my sister and I both went to Notre Dame?  That might have backfired.  We’re not all Catholic.  We’re Cafeteria Catholics.  (I’ll take some of that…a little of that…none of that please…)

She continued, “But if I do it here in town, I have to join the church and all that.  So instead, I have this friend…and she knows a priest.”  She might have whispered that last part.  I can’t remember because I was already laughing.

She said, “Yeah, I just have to make a donation.  To his mission.  In Sri Lanka.”

So I’m going to go visit and sign the paperwork to be a godparent.  And then, when the kids get older, I can tell them all about how their mother acquired a black market baptism for them from some beatnik poet dressed in black making money on the side by painting white-out on his collar and blessing the children with Pellegrino.

You know, since he’s for hire, maybe I’ll get Little Filthy baptized.  Anyone want to make sure my dog grows up properly? He’s going to need some godparents.

1. I did a double take when I saw Fresh Express today. She decided that frosted, pale green eyeshadow was the way to go. And go large. It was…jarring. I’d say it brought out her eyes but really, it just brought out her eyelids.

2. Instigator is inundated at work. Today, she walked into my office, I glanced up and the moment I saw her eyes, I said, “You’re on the edge.” I described her as standing on a pair of train tracks debating if she’d rather hurl herself in front of the train…or push other people in front of it. She said, “That’s pretty accurate.”

3. I’m coining “listyle.” It’s List + Style. And that’s how I roll, baby.  And SnarkyRunner is awesome.

4. Little Filthy had not seen Boss in quite a while but she came by for dinner last night. I let him out the door as she came down the hall so he could run down to greet her. He was so excited, he ran up and down the hallway until he literally made himself sick. You could practically hear him screaming, “Moommmmmyyy!” He got inside the loft and proceeded to open his mouth and make that *kkaakkk!* sound. You’ll see her again soon, little man.

5. I saw Plush on Friday night - the first time since my return. I think I had a dumb grin on my face much of the night.

6. Speaking of that night, The Ballerina may get a new nickname: Whiskey Dad. This is the dad who turns downright mean after a few drinks. The scene the next morning is the kids at the breakfast table, silent as mice, as Whiskey Dad makes eggs and acts like everything is normal. Meanwhile, the kids are scared to move. So, anyway - a friend was going to meet us out later that night and didn’t make it and The Ballerina let said friend know exactly how unacceptable that was through a series of drunken (and completely hilarious) voice mail messages. If only I could have recorded them to play here for your odd mixture of pleasure and cringing.

7. I have never had surgery. Is it scary?

8. While brushing my teeth a few days ago, I had an odd thought: What would I do if all the toothpaste sold out at stores? Let me explain my train of thought. My travel size toothpaste ran out while I was in Rome. I went into a store and bought some more toothpaste: Pasta del Capitano. That means The Captain’s Pasta, right? Or paste? What the hell - I clearly don’t understand Italian. Anyway - they also had Colgate. I wondered what would happen if all the Colgate in the world were bought and how much that would help the economy, both in the country in which it was sold and the U.S. Company maker. Then I wondered what would happen if all the toothpaste sold out at stores. I knew I’d be okay because I’m a CostCo addict and I’ve got no less than five full tubes. Then I wondered if I’d share it and realized that yes, I would.

What a complete waste of mental energy.

1. I did not have lunch with Instigator today. This is because she is on a task-force of sorts to handle deals worth a lot of scratch. Suspiciously sounding like an honor, it is actually more of a burden which we refer to as a “big fuckin’ deal” - much like one might say “who the fuck cares.” We have an understanding. If either of us is busy and the other walks into our office, we simply give that look that says, “Get out” and the other doesn’t take it personally. Today was my day to not take it personally because Instigator was up to her neck in some big fuckin’ deal. Bah!

2. My sister sometimes says things that strike me as ridiculous. She was watching me change my niece’s diaper to make sure I was doing it right. I sprinkled some powder and my sister said, “You’re salt and peppering the baby.” Is it just me or does that strike anyone else as offensively funny in a way? Then, there was the time she said she would show her children the movie Mystic River as a cautionary tale against running away by telling them, “That’s what happens to kids who run away.” The other day, she was talking about my niece and potty training and said something like, “Getting her off of diapers is like pulling her from a line of coke.” Dude. That’s just wrong.

3. I took a sleep-aid 90 minutes ago. This is because I am trying to go to bed earlier to reset my clock before I head overseas. I typically go to bed around 1 in the morning. Bad. It is now 10 p.m. and I am still wide awake. Dumb pills. Maybe I didn’t wash them down with enough whiskey chaser.

4. I have not yet told Little Filthy that he will be staying at Chez Parents while I am gone. He…has a bit of a reputation staying with them. Sort of like a rock star at a hotel. There was the time he baked a potato on my mother’s expensive oriental rug - which my pregnant sister discovered. With her foot. Or the time he ate my father’s ear plugs…which I discovered when he returned home and promptly pooped them out…all told in a nice little picture story here.

5. I, stupidly, taught Little Filthy how to lick on command. I say, “Kiss. Do it!” in my certified broken, third half-ass language and he will run up and give my cheek a lick, after which he is rewarded with a small treat. Unfortunately, Little Filthy does not associate his obeying the command with a treat so much as the actual licking. And so if he decides he wants a treat, he’ll just lick the shit out of me. *sigh*

Do you know how hard it is to climb a tree in the city?

Okay, I didn’t climb a tree. There is one squirrel, in particular, that likes the tree by my patio/balcony. The funny thing is that it has no tail and so it looks somewhat like a rabbit. Plush and I were on the patio about a week ago and I pointed out the crackers I’d left for the tail-less wonder. And sure enough, the little thing came hopping along and she got to see the little beast.

Then, last week, I noticed a smudge of furry brown by the curb. I walked over and, sure enough, it was a flattened squirrel and it sure looked like my patio friend. I sent Plush a text (I resisted the urge to send her a picture mail) and told her that the squirrel was no more.

I left the patio door open today and glanced out to see Little Filthy and the squirrel having a stare-down. They were only about 2 feet from each other. It hadn’t been smooshed after all. I mixed some oats with peanut butter and stuck it on a branch. Happy little thing.

I sent a text message to Plush, “Not to be graphic…but the little squirrel is back and, thanks to the wonders of digital photography, it is now clear that she is a girl. And she has the hugest set of squirrel knockers I’ve ever never seen.”

She wrote back, “You, my dear, may need a hobby…I think your obsession with breasts may have gone too far.”

Edited to Add:  I sent a picture to QTMama so she could see what I was talking about and her response was: “HOLY GOD!  You’re right! Who knew??  Damn.”

I’m telling you people, it’s like… little saline implants.

1.  Plush now has posting privileges.  I like that she kicked things off with a masturbation story.

2.   I have a 48 hours cold bug.  I am being optimistic.  Today, I blew my nose and I believe I may have blown bubbles in my eye.  I spent much of my afternoon trying to recreate this.

3.   I sleep with the patio door ajar because I like cold air when I am sleeping.  While Little Filthy fell asleep on his own bed, I awoke up to find him pushing the covers up with this head in an attempt to crawl into the bed.   My bed.  I said, “hey!” and he stopped and looked at me.  I think he emoted, “It’s cold in this dump.”  So I let him under the covers.

4.  Plush and I will be meeting a blog reader for dinner this weekend at Nacional 27.  Dinner, drinks…and hell, it’s a Salsa bar so we may just have to get up and shake it.