Random Esquire

Just need to know your address so I can address the box.

Don’t worry. I’ll put some food in along with him.

Where’s my couch?!

Little Filthy has so far tried:

Peanut Butter, Carrots, Green Beans, Bananas, Corn, and Watermelon. This time? He got to try a veal chop bone. Click on the pictures to see full size.

First – the bone.

Crazy Eyes.

CHOMP.

Yum.

SO GOOD.

Demolished.

I have the only dog stumped by this situation.

Little Filthy has had corn, carrots, watermelon, peanut butter, and banana. Today, he got a green bean. I hadn’t intended it to be a food trying day but … well, he practically insisted.

I made lunch.

I decided to eat while sitting on the couch (I know, I know.)

Within seconds, Little Filthy was at my side.

His face says, “Whatcha got there?”

That’s just pathetic, right? So I showed him some green beans.

Two seconds before he was almost in trouble.

His patience was rewarded.

1.  This is me watching basketball tonight:

“Who is playing?”

“Butler? Seriously? they named a school after a manservant? Well, I can’t say that that makes any sense to me at all. Who are they playing?”

“The Huskies? Isn’t that, like, a clothing line or size for chubby boys? So it’s the servants versus the chubby kids?”

“I gotta go with the servants. The huskies will probably tire by half time or take a break for cookies and juice.”

2. My uncle’s e-mail was hijacked and the entire family received an e-mail from ‘him’ stating that he was stuck in another country and would we mind sending him some money?

My uncle realized what happened and sent a follow up e-mail that said, “Ignore that last e-mail from the hacker. If you want to send money, send it to <his real address.>”

My cousin replied, “The joke is on the hacker. He thought we would send money if you were stuck in another country.”

Welcome to the family.

3.  As my condo buying deal is damn near finalized, I thought it was time for me to break the news to the boy. He’s grown up here and has never lived someplace else.  We sat down at dinner and I told him I had news for him. I then explained that we’d be walking in a new neighborhood, sleeping in a new room, terrorizing a whole new park full of dogs. And then I showed him a picture of the new place.

And you know what? He just couldn’t care less.

1. The Italian called me and woke me up yesterday to tell me that his son asked him, “Dad? What’s a clitoris?”

Yes, I’m serious.

The Italian responded, “I don’t know but I know where to find it.”

I told him to tell his son that it was a woman’s Staples Easy Button.

2. I went to lunch with Instigator and spent hundreds of thousands of dollars.

Okay, so that’s not entirely how that shit went down – but more or less how it happened. We went to lunch and I told her about an awesome loft I had seen the day before but that someone had already made an offer on it. She said, “let’s just drive by!” We drove by. Next thing you know, I called my realtor and we put in an offer. Then a third party made an offer and suddenly, I was in a bidding war.

I got the loft. And it’s kickass and awesome and perfect.

But maybe next time, I will just meet Instigator for coffee.

3. The other day, Besos and I were in the living room and Little Filthy was no where to be found. It was quiet. Too quiet. We found Little Filthy in the bedroom with a tube of Chapstick between his paws, the top chewed off and half the actual Chapstick clearly eaten.

*sigh*

4. I have train rage lately. To avoid my train rage, 1) don’t put stuff on the seat next to you when there are people standing, 2) let me off the train before you try to get on, 3) stand the hell up and give your seat to pregnant women, 4) don’t ask me for money – for any reason, and 5) on the escalators leaving the station, stand to the right, walk on the left. Is this too much to ask, people?

5. I jerked awake the other night after a nightmare. In it, I was on an upstairs balcony of a home, in a hall that overlooked the living room. A nanny was there, watching a baby crawl. The baby stopped crawling and sat down with his back toward the railing. I asked the nanny, “Can the baby fit through the rails?” She said no. And then I watched as the baby leaned back and his head slipped right between the rails, his legs shot out to get balance and he slowly began to fall back between the rails. I yelled and lept forward to reach for him. That’s when I jerked awake.

What the bloody hell.

Mark Stern of Cuckoo Studio was awesome enough to sketch Little Filthy from one of the pictures taken while Dysfunction Junction was visiting. How cool is that??

Click to make larger!

Here are other artist renditions of Little Filthy:

From Lauri Apple, artist for Wonkette, who was also featured in an Italian fashion magazine… all of which is just original and awesome and cool – and who also happens to be one of the most kind people I’ve ever met.  Here is her rendition of Random Esq + Little Filthy:

The awesome Debra from Rubbermoon turned Little Filthy into a stamp – with all proceeds going to fight cancer:

Then, some of you may have received a Christmas card last year with Little Filthy on it, courtesy of Abby McMillen of FolkDogArt.com.  You can see her art on boxes of Barkwheats treats for dogs.

Thank you to all of you who have captured Little Filthy so well. He’s a good boy.

Little Filthy has tried corn, watermelon, and bananas. Dysfunction Junction came over today and we fed Little Filthy some carrots and treats. Enjoy!

Want.

Gimme.

Ouch – was that your finger?

How about a peanut butter treat?

Can I eat those now?

1.  My life would be complicated if I were an Oscar Mayer wiener.  Here is how I came to that conclusion.

I was eating a corndog from Trader Joe’s. Turns out it is actually made from soy but it occurred to me that it had been so long since I’d eaten an actual hot dog that I don’t even really remember what the hell they taste like.  This made me think of hot dogs at the ball park. Then I thought of Ball Park Franks.  Then I thought of Oscar Mayer and that weiner song:

“Oh, I wish I were an Oscar Mayer wiener; that is what I’d truly like to be. Cause if I were an Oscar Mayer wiener, everyone would be in love with me.”

And I thought about it… can you imagine what it would be like if everyone was in love with you? What a sordid, dirty mess.

That’s when I decided that my life would be complicated if I were an Oscar Mayer wiener.

2.  As I walked through a parking lot today, I saw an orange on the ground. My first thought was that I wanted to throw it. It was about the size of a baseball and I wondered if I could throw it all the way across the parking lot. This made me imagine playing catch in a parking lot and I wondered if someone would say that was stupid because there could be a wild throw that ended up with a baseball busting through a car window. But that didn’t seem as likely with an orange. Unless, of course, it was the middle of winter and the orange was frozen solid.

I left the orange alone.

3.  Little Filthy had some bumps on the back of his neck, on the skin – flaky bumps. When I tried to look at them, he would jump if I touched them. So he went to the vet today. He got a full check-up, routine shots, etc. They did a fungal and bacterial check on the bumps… both negative. But he got an antibacterial shot and some shampoo and if it isn’t better in a week, he goes back for a skin biopsy. He got home exhausted after the day at the vet and I gave him some wet food. This pleased him. Then I gave him a bath.  This displeased him. Then when I made him sit on a chair and covered him with some pink blankets?  Then he was downright pissed.