Random Esquire

Rubbermoon sent a gift for Little Filthy. He loves it!

On Monday night, I went out to eat.  I returned home and promptly snapped my key off in the lock to my front door.  I proceeded to try to tug out the snub of key, thereby rattling the doorknob around.  This, of course, informed Little Filthy that I was home.  However, it also appeared to inform him that while I was home, I was completely uninterested in seeing him or seeing to the needs of his bowels.  As I wiggled the key, I heard long, wretched cries from the other side of the door.  Actually, as I write this, it threatens to be unbelievably long.  Let me just summarize:

Locksmith comes.  Proceeds to stick it to me.  Drills out the lock. Wants to install another lock.  I decline his offer to install a $20 lock for $120.  Fuck that.  I’ll just kill anyone who walks through the bloody door.

Next day, I wake up to find cherry stems spread around living room.  Stupidly, I left cherry pits on the coffee table.  Little Filthy attempts to look innocent while I have a Come-To-Jesus-Moment.

Cherry pits = Toxic.

Cherry pits = cyanide.

Website searching, friend asking, dog eyeballing.

Emergency Vet call.

Hydrogen peroxide goes down Little Filthy’s throat, to his complete surprise, disgust, and amazement.

Little Filthy stares.  I reach under him and wiggle his belly.

Vomit.

Cherry pits.

Little Filthy STARE.

Sorry, Little Filthy.

1.  I start Spanish classes on Thursday.  Just think…in 8 short weeks, I’ll be president of Mexico!

2.  I will no longer say “piece of shit.”  I’m going to say “chunk of shit” – it’s got a little something…more to it.

3.  Now…let’s be clear.

I didn’t shrink his head.

Or stick clown feet on him.

That’s just how he looks.

When he’s sitting up.

On the couch.

Like a person.

1. It’s hard to write a blog entry.

When a dog insists on standing on you and staring at you.

2.  I ate a mango today.  For some reason, I decided I would just peel it and eat it off of the pit.  Except, this wasn’t a small champagne mango. This was one of those big ass mangoes that white people buy because it is red and orange and pretty.

Dude. This was a mistake.

When I was done, it was like someone had put privacy curtains between each of my teeth.

3.  I saw my parents and their new $600 blender yesterday.  My mother gave me their throw-away $300 blender.  I had to ask.

I said, “Mom, what the hell are you two blending that you need that machine?”

Because the only thing I’ve seen them use the thing for is fruit smoothies.

My mom said, “It makes awesome margaritas!”

I said, “Mom, you don’t drink.”

“I might start.”

Now, really, my mother does occasionally drink but pretty rarely.  I said, “You have maybe two margaritas a year.”

My father grunted and said, “Those are three hundred dollar margaritas.”

Happy father’s day!

1.  My nephew is going through potty training.  My mother visited my sister and her family this weekend and was a witness to the magic that is potty training a little boy.  My mother informed me that she instructed my nephew to “hold it” while he stood in front of the toilet.  He did and then withdrew his hand again and looked up at my mother and said, “My pee-pee has a booger on it.”  I mean, I can understand why he didn’t want to hold something with a booger on it.  So you can hardly blame the kid.

2.  I spent Memorial Day on Lake Michigan, salmon fishing on a chartered boat.  One of the salty older men who was along on the trip told me a lot of stories that made me laugh.  When in college, he and a buddy thought that they would sign up for dance lessons as a way to meet girls.  They walked to the class congratulating themselves and when they got there, each was given a mannequin on roller skates.  He said it was horrible.

3.  I got a Droid Incredible. This means that I may become perfectly obnoxious posting pictures of everything because it is now super easy from my phone.  Having said that, while I understand that some of you (especially if you follow me on twitter) would appreciate a picture of Turtle or Permanently Pregnant girl, I have learned my lesson about trying to take pictures of people in public places.  I am reformed.

4.  The dog and I are going to have a beer and finish watching the hockey game.

CAUSE THAT HOW WE DO.

Waiting under the table.

1. Who are these people in those ads who wash their dishes with paper towels?   You know what we call strong paper towels?  Cloth.  Quit being wasteful.

2.  I think I touched a dog duke with my finger today.  Hole in the poop bag.  That’s an unpleasant surprise.  I wouldn’t say it’s up there with discovering a hole in a condom.  But it’s up there.

3.  IKnow! had a baby. She worked on her blackberry while in the hospital, while in labor.  Of course, she told everyone she was in labor so they would recognize her dedication.  Sycophant.  I let our boss know she had her baby.  I also told him that she cut the umbilical cord with her blackberry.

4.  You know what makes you feel bad?  When you accidentally bonk your dog on the nose and he pauses, squints his eyes and shakes out a sneeze.  Sorry, little man.

5.  I’m hungry. Somebody feed me!

He fell asleep with his face on his paws, leaving it smooshed.

1.  Editor recently sent me a text that said: “You know what kills me? Lack of the 3 V’s.  Validation, Vacation, and pussy.”

2.  I’ve had the same vacuum for 10 years. So on a whim, I bought a new one. Guess what?  Little Filthy hates it as much as the old one.  I probably shouldn’t have tried the pet hair removal attachment directly on him.  Turns out, it’s for furniture.

3.  Speaking of the beast, he got his stitches removed.  When we walked into the vet, he clearly recalled the last horrible visit and without squatting or any pre-game fanfare, he pooped a tiny poop right between my shoes.

4.  If you follow me on Twitter, you also heard about how, during a recent off-leash romp at the park, he pinpointed the most attractive woman at the park, ignored her dogs and instead, walked over to her leashes on the ground and promptly peed on them.  Fortunately, he was more or less on empty and she could not stop laughing.

5.  I love how Woody Allen has come out in defense of Roman Polanski.  Next up in defense of Polanski: Casey Anthony and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

6.  I like Betty White but I’m sort of tired of her shtick.  I am suffering from “sweet looking grandma says dirty things” overload.

7.  I had my mobile phone in my pocket the other day when I walked into the restroom at the office.  Someone was in a stall.  As I was…let us say…’mid-motion’, I received a text message and my phone said, a la Quagmire from Family Guy:  “Heh heh.  Alllllriiiiight.”  At first, I grinned.  Then I wondered if said person thought I had said it.  That wiped the grin off my face.

8.  I think it’s funny when people refer to “the business end” of something, meaning the butt.

9.  The last few weeks, I have felt a combination of many feelings and today, my frustration has culminated into a feeling of recklessness.  That’s not really a great thing, going into a weekend.

10.  My leg is completely asleep right now.  It reminds me once, when I was a teenager, that I fell asleep and woke to the sound of the phone ringing in the other room.  I scrambled out of bed onto a leg that was completely asleep and nerve dead and I fell flat on my face.  I didn’t let that faze me.  I got right back up and fell down again.

I didn’t know it was going to be an allegory.

Little Filthy had surgery on Thursday.  He had a lump/wart thingy removed from his front paw and, since he was going to be out anyway, a teeth cleaning.  He was dropped off at 7 a.m. without his breakfast.  When I picked him up at 5 p.m., they gave me back a groggy, drunk dog who was hungry and tried to gnaw into a bag of dog food on display while I paid the bill.

Here’s a picture of his shaved leg with some stitches – sorry for the quality. I took it on my phone in dim lighting and probably that was for the best.  It looks like a big black ant with long antennae on a wound.

Today, I had to step out for a while so I put on his cone.  His cone of shame.  See, he wore it when we walked out of the vet’s office (not too skillfully, I’ll add – he snagged the cone on ever corner or door or piece of furniture, etc.)  but as he has not been alone since then, he hasn’t worn the cone and has just been under careful watch.  However, because he was going to be alone, I put on his cone and left him standing on the entry-way rug, staring at the door and giving me  look of “WHAT. THE. F*CK.”

I came home about an hour later and found him… in the exact same position, staring at the front door – having not moved in an hour.  His face said, “No, Seriously.  WHAT. THE. F*CK.  I look like Queen Elizabeth.”

So I took the cone off and put a loose band-aid on his leg.  He’s much happier now.