Random Esquire

I’d been feeling unsettled lately because my place was in a bit of disarray.  Too many evenings away from home sometimes leave me feeling like this and I could tell my place needed a thorough scrub down.  I groused about it earlier via instant message to the Ballerina earlier today.  A few hours later, I reported in that I had just cleaned the floor and felt measurably better.  Here’s how the conversation went:

RandomEsq:  “Dude, floors are disgusting.”

The Ballerina: “scrubbing floors periodicially is so soothing.

…it’s like masturbation.”

*Blink*

I whip open the shower curtain when I’m done with my shower.  That is, if it was even closed entirely to begin with.  The cold air doesn’t bother me.  Every woman I’ve ever dated closes the bathroom door and practically platic-seals herself in the shower and when done, only reluctantly reaches a hand out enough to grope for a towel before disappearing back behind the curtain like the Wizard of Oz.  When Boss would get done with a shower, I’d walk into a room full of steam and the mirror would be weeping.  And she’d still be shivering.

2.  There was some kid on the Today show whose arm was torn off by a crocodile when he went swimming…at night.  Every time I hear one of these stories, I wonder why the person went swimming someplace where there are crocs.  It has never even occurred to me to do that.  It isn’t like you see people on the Discovery channel peacefully swimming with them like you do with some sharks.  Pretty much everyone avoids them.  They’re hard enough to spot but to go at night just seems to be asking for trouble.  Or, in this kids case, a bionic arm.

3.  I saw this ad yesterday and did a double take when I saw the feather duster peek out behind the leg of one of the mariachi band members.

Boss and I had dinner last night.  I heard the latest about her day:

1.  A kindergarten boy left the bathroom naked…except for his shirt.  In his hand?  His underwear.  Filled with poop.  Apparently, the wall had received a new paint job.

2.  Another kindergarten teacher peeked into the boys bathroom after hearing some singing and found a little boy with his pants and underwear down around his ankles as he used the urinal.  He was shaking his butt back and forth and singing with his hands up in the air.  She asked him to come see her after he was done.  She wanted to inform him that a hands-on approach might be the way to go.  He walked out of the bathroom when done to see her…with his pants and underwear still down around his ankles.

3.  The bathroom sinks have those faucets that turn on by pushing down on a round cylinder shape - I think that’s an early 1980’s style.  Anyway, they’re sometimes hard to push which is why Boss walked into the bathroom to see that a little boy had climbed on top of the sink so he could step on the nozzle for other people to wash their hands.

As for my day?  I woke up this morning to a cold nose and air on my face.  I opened an eye and saw Little Filthy demanding we go pay homage to the breakfast gods. I grabbed my phone and snapped him staring.  Monster.

1.  Have you heard the 911 call of the young woman working at a City Laundry & Cleaners?  The store was robbed and the robber shot her in the back of the head.  Miraculously, she was able to drag herself to a phone and call 911.  I am ashamed to say that there is a part of the call that makes me laugh.  Here’s a transcript:

911 Operator:  Hello 911, What is your emergency?

Young woman:  I’ve been shot and I just got robbed.

911 Operator:  You’ve been shot and robbed??

Okay, it’s how the Operator says, “You’ve been shot AND robbed?!”  Like she can’t believe this woman’s bad luck.  First, she gets shot but then they robbed her on top of it?  I know it shouldn’t make me laugh.  I’m not sure it can be helped.

2.  For some reason, I was thinking about Dolly Parton today.  I know, I can’t explain why I get these thoughts.  That just reminded of me of the time I pondered what would happen if all the tubes of toothpaste were sold out.  I know it seems like I should have better things to think about but you know what?  Not so much.  Anyway, it sort of amazes me that so many people love Dolly Parton that she has her own theme park.  That’s sort of outrageous, right?  It’s like backwoods Tennessee threw up all over Disney.  How many banjos do you think are in Dollywood right now?  It’s like trying to guess how many jelly beans are in a jar.  Man, I wish there was a way to get that answer.

3.  The monster was smelling like a cross between corn chips and dirt.  It was time for a bath.  While I scrubbed him down, I calmly explained to him that it was perfectly okay that his skin was nourished with oatmeal extracts, that the girls like a good smelling fellow and it doesn’t matter if some people think it’s odd.  What matters is that he likes it and it makes him feel good.

Little Filthy licking water off his nose.

I smell good. Don't be a hater.

1.   Last Friday, my co-worker left the office and began his walk to the train and walked right by a dead man.  The man had jumped from the 40th floor, killing himself just minutes earlier.

*sigh*

2.  I feel like in the past week, two people have said something to me which I can not stop remembering and repeating in my head.

*sigh*

3.   Two more work days this week?  For real?

*sigh*

1. Did you know you could buy a $1,700 harmonica from Amazon? It looks like a hole punch on a diet.  Then there’s this one for $460 that looks like a 3-D asterisk.  Are you kidding me, people?  It’s a harmonica.  Like, the instrument known for being most often acquired off of dead soldiers and being carried around in a back pocket.

Ooo, why do I want a Snoopy Jaw Harp?  6 bucks, people!  SIX BUCKS.  Speaking of Snoopy, I have a Walter Mitty complex.

2.  I had dinner last night with Boss.  She told me about her first day of class.  She had a kid named Henry who refused to listen to her no matter how many times she called to/on him.  Turns out… his name is Lorenzo.  She also lost one kid and had a mild panic attack before finding him behind the bookshelf, listening to the mini search party discuss where he might be. When she told her class that electronics were not allowed and to leave their Nintendo DS at home as well as their PSP, one student said, “And guns? Guns aren’t allowed either, right?”  She teaches kindergarten.  She said, “Yes…that’s correct…no guns.”  Another kid piped up, “Or cigarettes.”

3.   Okay, look, people.  I’m a democrat.  I have a great deal of respect for what McCain did and went through while a POW in Vietnam.  I do not plan to vote for him. And his choice of Palin surprised me.

BUT.

I won’t lie.

I might do her after a few drinks.

And I mean both of us would have had to have a few drinks.  Enough so that she slurs her words so I don’t understand the rhetoric coming out of her mouth and enough so that I don’t care if her vagina is a republican or a democrat.

So!  I got the rare opportunity to have a Press Pass to the taping of Oprah’s Season Premiere featuring all of the Olympic athletes.  Not being a dunce…I said, “Hell yeah.”  I was at Millennium Park by 6:45 a.m. to check in and stand in the press pit, awaiting the athletes.  Below, you can see some of the photos I shot.

More photos after the cut. (more…)

I’ll update later today with more pictures and the full story.

1.  Big thanks to LynchSeattle who provided a fix to my website issues.

2.  A certain someone I know has a roommate with questionable taste.  And by questionable taste, I mean undeniably bad taste.  Like, sweatshirts featuring wolves baying at a full moon kind of bad taste.  You get what I’m saying?  I’m talking about BEDAZZLED bad taste.  Anyway, someone questioned how well my friend knew her roommate prior to moving in together.  “Do you know her middle name? You should know her middle name!”  That struck me as a completely absurd guage on how well two people know each other.

Then I wondered if John McCain knew  Sarah Palin’s middle name.  I doubt it.  He doesn’t even know how many homes he owns.

3.  It occurred to me last night that no one has ever made me a decent cup of coffee (outside of a cafe/store).

4.  I’m buying a webcam.  I’m going to hook that puppy up and then watch to see what the hell Little Filthy does all day while I’m gone.

5.  I wish doing the laundry ended with the tossing the clothes in the dryer bit.  You know.  None of that folding and putting away BS.  Some days, I miss those laundry elves.

Why in the world would anyone think that a night out with QTMama would be anything less than adventurous?

1.  If you ever have the good fortune to meet QTMama, you should know something upfront.  If you trip and fall down, she will laugh for 10 minutes before asking if you’re okay.  Jenn, her best friend, had warned me of this.  And, unfortunately, Jenn took a tumble while we were walking around that first night and true to her word, QT burst out laughing and could not stop.  And the truth is, it’s kind of infectious.  Later that night, we saw a girl try to enter a cab and she completely bit it, hitting the pavement and letting out a small cry as she fell.  QT burst out laughing no less than 10 feet away. And that caused everyone around to start laughing.  It’s really quite a thing to see.  Last night, while out dancing, a guy completely did a face plant on the dance floor and QT almost came unglued because while she’d see the guy sprawled on the floor, she missed the actual fall.  Nonetheless,…she laughed.  heh.

And then I realized that I don’t remember the last time I saw someone trip and fall at all and yet, in under 48 hours with QT, I saw three people bite it.  WTF.

2.  QTMama and her friend Jenn coaxed me into going to a strip club.  We knew nothing about this place but we went.  Adventure, right?  We went and the guy behind the counter said that each person pays $30.  For a room.  Minimum tip was $5 or “your girl” won’t dance.  And “everything” was $75.  We backed out slowly.

3.  We were hanging out in a bar at a table with a group of people we’d met earlier in the evening and someone finally asked the question…”How do you guys know each other?”  QTMama responded by telling them that I was her attorney.  I then asked QTMama if she’d called her parole officer before leaving the state.  She said no.  This garnered some quiet interest.  At one point, QTMama stepped away from the table and I leaned over to one of the guys and said, “You want to know what she did?”  He nodded eagerly.  I whispered, “Her husband cheated on her. So she stabbed him. But it didn’t kill him.”

I like that telling a complete lie about how QT stabbed someone was preferable to bothering to explain the whole blogging connection.