Random Esquire

I am already the problem student in Spanish class.

But it isn’t really my fault.  See, we were going over nouns and what is masculine and feminine and I noticed that you say ‘el gato‘ for male cat and ‘la gata‘ for female cat. So I applied my awesome logic to this and here is how it went:

Random:  “Ohhh, so if I have a female dog, I’d say ‘yo tengo una perra‘.”

Teacher:  *GRIN*

Random: *Blink*

Teacher:  “‘La perra‘ means ‘bitch’ and in parts of the world, ‘la perra‘ is slang for prostitute.  You said that you have a prostitute.”

Random:  *Blink*

*Sigh*

So class continues and we are practicing sentences aloud.  I am supposed to say that I am on a trip.

Trip.

Which is, in Spanish, viaje.

“en un viaje” = “on a trip.”

Except, if you can’t remember the correct word for trip and you can’t remember if it is masculine or feminine, one might say in class:

“… en una vieja.”

Which basically means “on an old lady.”

That’s right.  I said that I was on an old lady.

So, just to recap so we’re all together:

Class #1:  I informed the class that I have a prostitute and that I am on an old lady.

I am already the problem student in Spanish class.

Everybody hates a martyr.

That’s why someone killed them.

okay?

1. I got a culinary chubby the other day.  Here’s how it happened.

I walked down the hall toward my loft and smelled… Cake and bacon.  Cake and bacon!  I think that if I had smelled coffee, I might have flopped around on the ground.

2.  There’s something satisfying about eating food *off* of something.

Like, ribs.  Or corn on the cob.  Or food on a stick.  Whatever.

3.  Instigator was in my office today and we were talking about a recent dinner out after which… we hugged each other.  See, we’re co-workers.  So we don’t hug each other – despite the fact that Instigator is my work girlfriend.

I asked Instigator,  “Is that the first time we’ve hugged?”

Instigator stared at me.  She said, “What?”

I repeated, “Is that the first time we’ve hugged?”

Her eyes got larger and she said, “WHAT?”

I said, “I asked if that is the first we have ever hugged each other.”

Instigator said, “Oh my God, I thought you asked if that was the first time we fucked.”

I burst out laughing and then I said it a few times outloud again and sure enough, it does sort of sound like I asked her if that was the first time we’d fucked.

I’ll see if HR calls me tomorrow.

It has occurred to me that there are some television shows that I truly hope are not aired overseas.  Let’s discuss one, shall we?

Man vs. Food.  This show is about a dumbass who travels around doing various food challenges in different restaurants.  The challenges are typically geared to defeat him either through the pure quantity of food he must consume or the amount of spice/heat in the food.

Most recently, this jackass went to Richmond, Virginia where he tried to eat 8 hotwings covered in a sauce that contained actual capsaicin.  This idiot sat down, signed a waiver and then began his greasy lipped, watery eyed, sauced finger adventure by slumping so far over that his chest appears to have given birth to his head – and then he knuckled down on a wing.  He was motivated by an exceptionally large young man who inspired the crowd to begin a rousing chorus of “U.S.A.! U.S.A.!”

He managed to make his way through the wings.  His reward?  A T-Shirt that says “I’m with Stupid” and has a finger…pointing up at the wearer’s head.  We are treated to a close up shot of wing bones as he declared his “independence from the stupid wing challenge.”  He then thrust up his arms and we are all treated to a sight that results from years of overeating and not enough sunshine.

Now, I tried to imagine explaining this show to, let us say, a hungry Indian child.  Here is how I imagine this conversation might go:

Random:  “This show is called Man versus Food.”

Hungry Indian Child:  “I do not understand. Why is he against food?  I love food.”

Random:  “Well, it is because he has to eat the food.  All of it.”

Hungry Indian Child:  *Blank Stare*

Random:  “Well, see, sometimes it is a really, really large amount of food.  Like one time, he had to eat 72 ounces of steak.”

Hungry Indian Child:  “Did he win a game show? Is that why he gets to eat this much food? How do I play this game?”

Random:  “No, no, it’s not like that…here, let’s watch.  Okay, see?  They are going to make him eat chicken.”

Hungry Indian Child:  “Oh! Chicken sounds very good!  I would like to try that!”

Random:  “Oh, but see, they are going to cover it with spices so hot that no one wants to eat it.”

Hungry Indian Child:  “They… are going to ruin the food first?”

Random:  “Exactly!  Then we all watch him eat it and chant our national pride.”

Hungry Indian Child:  “He is a large man.  It looks as if he has had enough to eat.  Does he share the food?”

Random:  “No, he has to eat it all himself.  She how he’s crying from how hot those chicken wings are?”

Hungry Indian Child:  “I am crying from hunger.”

Random:  “Want to watch another episode?”

Hungry Indian Child:  “HE GETS TO EAT MORE?!”

Ayup.

I spoke with The Italian yesterday.

You remember him, right?

He’s the Jewish guy.

Glad we’re on the same page.

The Italian has resumed his former love affair with a Venezuelan woman.  The most obvious indication of this is that he can not stop talking at 100 miles per minute.  Here’s a snippet of our most recent conversation which we held over the phone while in the office.  Vinnie is his co-worker.

The Italian: “You are a very attractive man. And I do mean that sexually.  That’s my favorite thing to say. I say that to everyone. Mainly to my boyfriend, Vinnie. Did you know Vinnie was my boyfriend?  Oh, she [hot Venezuelan girlfriend] hates it when I call him that. But I call him that. VINNIE! Do you like it when I call you my girlfriend??”

[Heard in the background]: *SIGH* “I’m better with it since you started seeing [hot Venezuelan girlfriend] again.”

The Italian: “HA HA HA, He doesn’t mind! He’s my boyfriend! He’s in the next cube! We share a cubical wall!”

RandomEsq: “Is there a glory hole in your cubicle wall? You can tell me. I am your friend.”

The Italian: “Oh no no no no, no glory hole! RIGHT, VINNIE?! Oh, I just love Vinnie. He’s my boyfriend.”

RandomEsq:  “Is your dick in the glory hole right now?”

The Italian:  “HAHAHAHA! NO.”

RandomEsq:  “You’ve been getting a lot of sex, haven’t you?”

Whenever The Italian gets a lot of sex, he is wound up like a whirling dervish.

The Italian:  “OHhhhh yessssssss. LOTS OF SEX.  The best. We can never break up again. It can’t happen. I’m short, bald, and ugly.  I can never break up with [hot Venezuelan girlfriend] again!”

RandomEsq:  “DUDE. What is wrong with you!”

The Italian:  “Drugs. NOOooo, ha ha ha!  NOW THIS IS THE STORY ALL ABOUT HOW MY LIFE GOT FLIPPED TURNED UPSIDE DOWN…”

and then he was off. Singing Fresh Prince.

Yes.  Seriously.

I almost want to give out his number so you call can experience it.

Did you hear about this?  Utah executed a prisoner by firing squad.

Yes, seriously.  I heard about it on the Today Show and a few things struck me.

1.  It’s a little vague to say that he “could choose his method of execution.”  I feel like someone should make it clear that he could choose between just two options. My first thought was, “Shark tank!  Death by shark tank!”  This is because a)  I watched too much James Bond as a child and b)  seriously, at least make the state own its lunacy.

2.  Who shot this dude?  It’s either volunteer or not, right?  I figure you can’t just make someone shoot somebody so these jackasses volunteer for this shit, right?  Well, now there’s a scary thought.

Speaking of, where do they place that ad? I sort of wish it was in Redbook.  That would make this more interesting to me.

3.  Almost scarier thought than being riddled to death with bullets in Utah?

Living in Utah.

4.  40 out of 49 executions in Utah have been by firing squad.  This is the kind of crazy shit that goes on in the U.S. that makes people in Europe say, “How could those idiots have possibly beaten us the punch with electing a black president?”

Because some Americans are still awesome.

5.  Couldn’t we have just sentenced the guy to a confined life, taken 10% of his earnings, forced him to wear jacked up underwear, prohibited him from alcohol, coffee, and smoking, and forced upon him a generally boring day to day existence?

Or would he just blend in with the rest of Utah?

1.  My nephew is going through potty training.  My mother visited my sister and her family this weekend and was a witness to the magic that is potty training a little boy.  My mother informed me that she instructed my nephew to “hold it” while he stood in front of the toilet.  He did and then withdrew his hand again and looked up at my mother and said, “My pee-pee has a booger on it.”  I mean, I can understand why he didn’t want to hold something with a booger on it.  So you can hardly blame the kid.

2.  I spent Memorial Day on Lake Michigan, salmon fishing on a chartered boat.  One of the salty older men who was along on the trip told me a lot of stories that made me laugh.  When in college, he and a buddy thought that they would sign up for dance lessons as a way to meet girls.  They walked to the class congratulating themselves and when they got there, each was given a mannequin on roller skates.  He said it was horrible.

3.  I got a Droid Incredible. This means that I may become perfectly obnoxious posting pictures of everything because it is now super easy from my phone.  Having said that, while I understand that some of you (especially if you follow me on twitter) would appreciate a picture of Turtle or Permanently Pregnant girl, I have learned my lesson about trying to take pictures of people in public places.  I am reformed.

4.  The dog and I are going to have a beer and finish watching the hockey game.

CAUSE THAT HOW WE DO.

1. Who are these people in those ads who wash their dishes with paper towels?   You know what we call strong paper towels?  Cloth.  Quit being wasteful.

2.  I think I touched a dog duke with my finger today.  Hole in the poop bag.  That’s an unpleasant surprise.  I wouldn’t say it’s up there with discovering a hole in a condom.  But it’s up there.

3.  IKnow! had a baby. She worked on her blackberry while in the hospital, while in labor.  Of course, she told everyone she was in labor so they would recognize her dedication.  Sycophant.  I let our boss know she had her baby.  I also told him that she cut the umbilical cord with her blackberry.

4.  You know what makes you feel bad?  When you accidentally bonk your dog on the nose and he pauses, squints his eyes and shakes out a sneeze.  Sorry, little man.

5.  I’m hungry. Somebody feed me!

1.  Editor recently sent me a text that said: “You know what kills me? Lack of the 3 V’s.  Validation, Vacation, and pussy.”

2.  I’ve had the same vacuum for 10 years. So on a whim, I bought a new one. Guess what?  Little Filthy hates it as much as the old one.  I probably shouldn’t have tried the pet hair removal attachment directly on him.  Turns out, it’s for furniture.

3.  Speaking of the beast, he got his stitches removed.  When we walked into the vet, he clearly recalled the last horrible visit and without squatting or any pre-game fanfare, he pooped a tiny poop right between my shoes.

4.  If you follow me on Twitter, you also heard about how, during a recent off-leash romp at the park, he pinpointed the most attractive woman at the park, ignored her dogs and instead, walked over to her leashes on the ground and promptly peed on them.  Fortunately, he was more or less on empty and she could not stop laughing.

5.  I love how Woody Allen has come out in defense of Roman Polanski.  Next up in defense of Polanski: Casey Anthony and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

6.  I like Betty White but I’m sort of tired of her shtick.  I am suffering from “sweet looking grandma says dirty things” overload.

7.  I had my mobile phone in my pocket the other day when I walked into the restroom at the office.  Someone was in a stall.  As I was…let us say…’mid-motion’, I received a text message and my phone said, a la Quagmire from Family Guy:  “Heh heh.  Alllllriiiiight.”  At first, I grinned.  Then I wondered if said person thought I had said it.  That wiped the grin off my face.

8.  I think it’s funny when people refer to “the business end” of something, meaning the butt.

9.  The last few weeks, I have felt a combination of many feelings and today, my frustration has culminated into a feeling of recklessness.  That’s not really a great thing, going into a weekend.

10.  My leg is completely asleep right now.  It reminds me once, when I was a teenager, that I fell asleep and woke to the sound of the phone ringing in the other room.  I scrambled out of bed onto a leg that was completely asleep and nerve dead and I fell flat on my face.  I didn’t let that faze me.  I got right back up and fell down again.

I didn’t know it was going to be an allegory.

You may recall the conversation I had with The Buddy regarding a potential date who was declared Who-ish.  We had this discussion earlier today.

RE:  When I see someone who is pigeon-toed, I sort of want to beat them up.

Buddy:  heh.

RE:  Like, in the wild, I feel like that’d be a clear sign that they were easy pickin’s.

Buddy:  Totally.

RE:  Survival of the fittest.  But people who walk like ducks, they don’t seem stronger or anything.

Buddy:  Misaligned.

RE:  Yes.  I don’t want to beat them up.  Just the pigeon-toed people.  I feel the same way about over-pronaters. WTF.

Buddy:  Sounds like some kind of foot fetish opposite.  You are not nice.

RE:  I didn’t say I want to push them over and steal their wallet.

Buddy:  That makes you a bully, not a thief.

RE:  I’m not actually doing it.  I just have a slight inclination.  Not even a strong urge.  Just a slight inclination to tip them over like a cow.  Or like flipping a turtle on its back.  So you can watch their neck stretch as they try to right themselves.

Buddy:  Cows don’t tip by the way.

RE:  Too heavy?

Buddy:  That and they go down on their knees, like a dog.

RE:  Just for the record, I do not wish to topple over heavy people.

Buddy:  Thanks for clearing that up.

Then, later…

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