Random Esquire

I spent the weekend with my sister and her family out on the east coast.

1. I took my 2 year old niece to “little gym” which is indoor, organized 2 year old playtime with gym equipment - balance beams, parallel bars, a big parachute, balls, etc. We took along my nephew, who was sleeping in the car seat. The teacher said to my niece, “Ohhhh, did you bring someone special with you this week?” Of course, she meant the baby. My niece said, “YES!” and for a brief moment, I thought she was going to point to me. But instead, she said, “Dunkin’ Donuts!” and my sister and I looked down at our hands holding cups of Dunkin’ Donuts coffee. Guilty.

2. My sister watched the little dude in the waiting room and I went in to run around with my niece. There are a lot of beautiful soccer mom types at little gym. They hop out of their Volvo SUVs, shake their high-lighted hair free of a ponytail and put a kid on their hip and come inside. These women put on lipstick to go to little gym. It’s a beautiful thing. Seriously, if they served drinks, I might spent a Friday night there. Hellooooo, soccah mahm.

3. My brother-in-law was talking about how he ran away as a kid - for a day. I declare this a “long walk” and not officially running away. My sister said, “My kids will never run away.” I said, “What? How do you know that?” She said, “I’m going to show them a video.” I looked at her and said, “What video?” She paused and then said, “Mystic River. I’m going to show them Mystic River and say, ‘That’s what happens to kids who run away.’”

The offensive sense of humor runs in the family, apparently.

1. Have I mentioned that The Italian retaliated for me calling him a Mangina? I got an Instant Message in the office that said, “I had dinner tonight with a beautiful woman. While there is much to say about heated moments that make your skin go tight, there is also something to be said about holding a woman’s fingers like the stems of flowers and finding her just as beautiful.” - something I had said in this entry.  He was, quite clearly, mocking me with my own words.

He then called me and said, “Dude. You sound gay.” This from a man who sent a woman a text message that read, “I can still feel that hug you gave me.” I laughed and said, “Well, homo to homo then, I’m okay with that.”

Yeah, we really don’t give a shit about things like that.

2. I spoke with a female friend today and our conversation made me recall a conversation I once had with my previous secretary. My secretary had been telling me about a man she was dating and she had sighed and said, “I can’t decide if I’m going to let him sleep with me.”

This boggled me. I said, “Uh…why don’t you decide if you want to sleep with him?”

Is this seriously the thought process some women go through? Can someone please explain?

3. I stumbled across a blog written by a single mother - turns out there are tons of them. Blogs, I mean. And single mothers. And you know what? Dude, single mothers are hot. Who knew? And why did no one tell me?

I went to dinner tonight with my cousin, her mother (my aunt), and her friend. My cousin is only 13 years old (turning 14 next week, I should add). They are from a very small town in Minnesota and came to Chicago to see Wicked. I do not remember the last time I had dinner with two thirteen year old girls. It was hilarious.

First of all, the story telling abilities of a thirteen year old girl are greatly hampered by (directly proportional to) the relative excitement of telling said story. The dinner was like…turning on a newscast halfway through a story and trying to figure out what was going on. And when one paused to take a breath, the other would jump in and none of it was entirely linear. It was like watching a tennis match under a strobe light. You’re following the ball but also know that you’re missing the finer points.

Second, because they are from a very small town, Chicago both thrills and scares them. I heard about crazy cab drivers and their fear of getting shot (in the loop!). My cheeks hurt from grinning. My aunt, who grew up near Chicago, found it equally amusing to listen to their observations. They were rather fascinated by the fact that I live in a loft and that my walls did not go all the way up to the ceiling. I pointed to the exposed duct work in the restaurant and noted that my ceilings were very similar which seemed to impress them. I told them how I could throw Little Filthy’s toy from the bedroom over the wall of the kitchen and into the living room. Again, fascinating stuff here.

It was good to see some family tonight and get out for some fresh air. For some fresh, minus 5 degree air.

Boss did N words this week in class.

“Kids, what words begin with N?”

*deep breath*

It’s really a shame to waste that kind of anticipation and anxiety. Her kids do not disappoint.

A girl yelled out, “Nipples. NIPPLES.”

Boss paused to contemplate her reaction. Another young girl mistook her stunned look for an unknowing look and helpfully pointed her forefingers to her chest and said, “Nipples.”

Kids are so helpful at that age.

Four little speckled frogs, sittin’ on a speckled log,

eating a most delicious fly, yey ye ye ye ye ye,

One jumped into the pool, where it was nice and cool,

Then there were four speckled frogs.

Yeah. Saw my niece over Thanksgiving.

What ever happened to dogs named Bingo?

1. It’s official. The first lice outbreak of the year. The parent of said louse-infested kid said that the kid must have gotten it from another kid at school. The reason this is interesting/funny is because the kid is white…in a sea of black kids. Black kids don’t get lice. Did you know that? White people don’t normally know that. But now you do. So,…sort of comical. Unless you’re offended now. Because you’re white and you did know that. In which case….sorry.

Okay, now I sincerely mean that sorry above. Just did a web search. Apparently, black kids can get lice. So, you know…nevermind.

2. I have a Treo 755 and a Blackberry and use Outlook to schedule my meetings. And I sort of hate them all. I use my Treo (my personal phone) for tons of applications so it is a phone worth keeping for me. My difficulty is that I still have not found a really good method for tracking tasks and who has the next action item on a project, etc. I found this website where a guy made a datebook out of a moleskine notebook. But I don’t really need a calendar/agenda notebook - I just need something for tasks/projects. I think I might try this method - the GSD method (getting shit done). This means that I am on a mission to find a Miquelrius notebook. Anyone know where to find one of these?

3. I bought this last weekend. So, I guess I’ll try to figure out how to make banana ice cream (Boss’s favorite) this weekend. I just thought about making a lactose free peanut butter ice cream for Little Filthy but I’m pretty sure Boss would kill me if she caught me putting crumbled up dog biscuits in the ice cream maker.

1. Babies are made out of food. I know they don’t come out with a turkey leg and a carrot arm. It’s just that it sometimes strikes me that:

Woman + one sperm + food = baby. What the hell?

2. No one ever says “What?” in books. A book can be totally realistic and still nobody says, “What did you just say? No, before that. No, after that…what did you say?” That bothers me.

3. In books, there are never two people with the same name. I know no less than 3 Roberts and yet, in books, there’s always only one of each name. Only one Robert. That bothers me, too.

Ever since I have known Boss, we have remarked about the number of times a movie features someone throwing up.  It is amazingly frequent in movies.  Even if you can’t think of a movie off the top of your head that shows someone getting ill, chances are that if you think of five relatively recent films, you can’t be certain that someone wasn’t throwing up in at least one of them.  It’s everywhere.

I started to wonder what they use in movies for vomit so I did some poking around and found this page which gives instructions on whipping up a fresh batch.   It looks like it was written by a middle school kid because the author suggests adding green food dye…and he then suggests spreading it all over the bed so that you can enjoy a day off from school.  I love the warning that comes with it:  “Make sure you don’t get the food colouring on your clothes, it stains!”  But go ahead and spread that all over the bed, kids.

Frighteningly enough, there is a link on how to make fake diarrhea, as well.   Ingredients include coffee and maple syrup.  The author notes that it won’t smell like diarrhea, so “your acting will also need to be convincing.”  I’m not sure I’d believe that my kid had to stay home from school if it smelled like he made me breakfast in the bathroom.  Maybe it’s one of those fine line smells.  Again, the best part about this entry is the warning:

“Don’t put too much coffee in the mix. Too much coffee will look like blood and earn you a trip to the doctor rather than a day off of school.”

If I had a kid, he wouldn’t be allowed on the internet.

Boss has a new room full of three foot monsters. One little girl told Boss in a frank, no-nonsense way that she had peed the bed last night. There was no shame in it. Just, there you go, I pee the bed. She went on to say that as a result, she would have to sleep on the couch that evening.

Later that day, Boss overheard her speaking to another kid who told the little girl, “I peed my bed last night” to which the little girl responded, in 100% sincere delight, “You pee the bed?! I do, too!!” It was like two people discovering that they had an obscure interest in common. The little girl then said, “So, do you have to sleep on the couch, too?”

Oh, to have no shame once more.

Boss has a classroom full of new kindergarten kids.

One of them has a grill. A grill.

In his teeth. On his teeth? In his teeth. You know what I mean.

The mind boggles.