Random Esquire

Did you hear about this?  Utah executed a prisoner by firing squad.

Yes, seriously.  I heard about it on the Today Show and a few things struck me.

1.  It’s a little vague to say that he “could choose his method of execution.”  I feel like someone should make it clear that he could choose between just two options. My first thought was, “Shark tank!  Death by shark tank!”  This is because a)  I watched too much James Bond as a child and b)  seriously, at least make the state own its lunacy.

2.  Who shot this dude?  It’s either volunteer or not, right?  I figure you can’t just make someone shoot somebody so these jackasses volunteer for this shit, right?  Well, now there’s a scary thought.

Speaking of, where do they place that ad? I sort of wish it was in Redbook.  That would make this more interesting to me.

3.  Almost scarier thought than being riddled to death with bullets in Utah?

Living in Utah.

4.  40 out of 49 executions in Utah have been by firing squad.  This is the kind of crazy shit that goes on in the U.S. that makes people in Europe say, “How could those idiots have possibly beaten us the punch with electing a black president?”

Because some Americans are still awesome.

5.  Couldn’t we have just sentenced the guy to a confined life, taken 10% of his earnings, forced him to wear jacked up underwear, prohibited him from alcohol, coffee, and smoking, and forced upon him a generally boring day to day existence?

Or would he just blend in with the rest of Utah?

So I am staring at the ceiling.

It isn’t working.

So, okay, I said I was reformed but then I saw this. I say Man Purse. What say you?

And I’m sure he’s a perfectly nice guy. It’s just that I noticed the murse (thank you for the new slang,fireminx).

The office is a little loud today.

Today, as I walked to the train from my office, I glanced at a woman who smiled when our eyes met.  Just a friendly smile.  As a natural reaction, I smiled back.

I kept grinning as I continued down the street and I met eyes with another woman and she grinned back.

And then I decided to see if, just by smiling at people, I could get them to smile back.  It’s contagious! Sort of like yawning but less obnoxious.

So each time I happened to make eye contact with someone, I grinned.  And goddamned if each one didn’t just grin right back.  Isn’t that sort of wild?

Dude, you should try it.

1.  Lousy Schmuck sent me a text message last week.  It said, “I just figured out I’ve had my underwear on inside out all day.”

2.  My father informs me that we will be leaving at 3:30 a.m. to go fishing.  All I have to say about that is that the fish better be both big and plentiful.  And taste like butterscotch and whiskey.

3.  I hung out with Editor last night.  Pizza + beer + ice cream + hockey.  Then we both sat on the couch and hollered at the television.  Speaking of Editor – have I ever mentioned that we once went to catch a flick and as soon as we were seated, he farted and then proceeded to use his hands in an attempt to scoop and waft said fart at me?  As soon as I realized what he was doing, I promptly dropped my slushie in surprise.  Waste of a good slushie, that.

4. If I never hear another person say “Now’s a good time to buy” I will be perfectly content.  That and “You should buy a place.”

I get it.

5. Conversation with my mother:

Me: “Hey, Mom.”

Mom:  “Who is this?”

Me: “FOR REAL?”

Mom: “Oh, hi. What’d you do this weekend?”

Me: “Helped some friends move and watched hockey.”

Mom: “Your friends moved?”

Me: “Yeah.  They bought a place.”

Mom:  “Ohhh. You should buy a place.  Now’s a good time to buy.”

Me:  *Deep Breath*

Mom:  “I have to go. Your dad is pouring orange juice.”

*Blink*

Yes, I’m serious.

I was walking past a Blockbuster and saw this picture.  My initial thought was that Alvin has HUGE boobs.

Who designed this thing?

You may recall the conversation I had with The Buddy regarding a potential date who was declared Who-ish.  We had this discussion earlier today.

RE:  When I see someone who is pigeon-toed, I sort of want to beat them up.

Buddy:  heh.

RE:  Like, in the wild, I feel like that’d be a clear sign that they were easy pickin’s.

Buddy:  Totally.

RE:  Survival of the fittest.  But people who walk like ducks, they don’t seem stronger or anything.

Buddy:  Misaligned.

RE:  Yes.  I don’t want to beat them up.  Just the pigeon-toed people.  I feel the same way about over-pronaters. WTF.

Buddy:  Sounds like some kind of foot fetish opposite.  You are not nice.

RE:  I didn’t say I want to push them over and steal their wallet.

Buddy:  That makes you a bully, not a thief.

RE:  I’m not actually doing it.  I just have a slight inclination.  Not even a strong urge.  Just a slight inclination to tip them over like a cow.  Or like flipping a turtle on its back.  So you can watch their neck stretch as they try to right themselves.

Buddy:  Cows don’t tip by the way.

RE:  Too heavy?

Buddy:  That and they go down on their knees, like a dog.

RE:  Just for the record, I do not wish to topple over heavy people.

Buddy:  Thanks for clearing that up.

Then, later…

(more…)

Dear Sir,

You bet $100,000 on the winning horse at the Kentucky Derby.  That is balls out.  You rock.

Except…

your hair is telling the world, “I am insecure.”

Maybe good hair pieces are expensive.  If so, let me congratulate you once more on your recent winnings.  I have a suggestion on how you can spend it.

Or…. you could just be bald.  Because who gives a shit.  Women actually know that you and your sperm aren’t all limp-dicked because of it.  Also, who needs hair? You just won $900,000. Hell, I might trade ya.

Nahhhh, I’m gonna keep my hair.