Random Esquire

So, many of you have heard about me and have even appreciated my artwork.  I felt it was long overdue for me to welcome you to our family and share some laughs of mine as well.

So you’ve heard of me, the Big Sister who can now just be referred to as BS.  About me – a 39 yr old working mom in a NYC suburb.  Although I’m not from the East coast, I have lived here now for about 15 years which means I have:

1- evolved my ability to be an aggressive driver;

2- temporarily became a disciple of eating (insert food fad here: cupcakes, rice pudding, boba tea, meatballs, ramen noodles etc) and (insert exercise/health fad here: yoga, jivamukti yoga, bar method, blueprint cleanse);

3- a heightened intolerance for people who lack self-awareness (loud talkers on cell phones, people who walk on the side walk in NYC shoulder to shoulder);  AND

4 – a big ego.

I have two kids; I’ll call them Ferdinand (3 yrs old) and Isabella (5 yrs old) not because they’re Spanish but because they behave like royalty.   I’ll spend more time discussing them later – today’s entry is about husbands.

I was recently in Hawaii for work.

Really for work?  Yes, I did work (as least as possible) and yes, I did eat (fad foods:  Puka dog, loco moco) and yes, I did try paddleboarding.  The following week, friends of ours were hosting a Hawaii-themed party so I thought would it be cute if we ALL (the family) wore the same printed Hawaiian outfits.  Me and Isabella in matching MuMu dresses (think Mrs. Roper in colorful Hibiscus prints) with plumeria in our hair, and Daddy and Ferdinand wearing same print in Hawaiian shirts.  This is how the conversation went down.

BS to spouse:  “Hey, I was thinking that for the Hawaiian party next week we could all wear matching outfits, really go with the theme.  All four of us in cute bright printed Hawaiian shirts and dresses.”

Do you all have images of Griswold family wearing matching berets?

Spouse: “Really?? I think you guys would look cute but I think I’ll abstain.”

BS: “But come on, the kids are only young for a short amount of time. I’m only going to be able to dress them for a brief time so if we ever want to do it, it’s now.  It’ll be cute!”

Spouse:  “No”

So, spouse is usually a good sport about things but I’m sure he was thinking, “Geeez, our friends all know you have my nutsack in a sling, do we really have to arrive at a party and announce it with a superbowl ad?”

I think you guys all know the couples I’m talking about here. Where you know that the wife runs the show and rules the household.  I’m not saying that my house is like that but maybe it’s more important for my friends to think it’s run like that.  In the end, the kids wore matching outfits, we just honored the theme of the party by getting shit-faced on mai-tais.

Glad to insert myself into RandomEsq’s blog here  – Mahalo!

Do you have some examples you’ve seen where you can tell that the woman is totally in charge, bossing her husband around?

1. My niece saw Annie for the first time. On an iPad. While on a plane. Going to L.A. Or maybe to the Caribbean. Who knows. It’s a toss up, really. Anyway, the movie introduced her to the concept of poverty and wealth – which prompted her to ask my sister, “Mommy, are we rich?”

You know what my sister said?

“Yes.”

This both makes me laugh and cringe at the same time.  But mostly laugh.

2.  I spoke with my sister this morning. She said, about my nephew, “He’s sitting in the middle of an inner tube. In the yard. With a mouthful of waffle. And a strawberry in his hand.”

I think this is awesome.

3.  Speaking of things that crack me up, I thought my Jesus Rapture picture was very funny. My sister, however, did not.  I sent her a text message that said, “The Rapture is tomrorow!” with the picture attached.

Her response: “wtf??”

Then, “Why do u have a photo of jc w ur name on it”

then, “Where did u get that??”

I said, “You want one, don’t you?”

She said, “No. Not funny to me. Dumb. Read Bossy Pants. That’s funny.”

Sometimes, everything my sister does strikes me as hilarious.

Little Filthy has so far tried:

Peanut Butter, Carrots, Green Beans, Bananas, Corn, and Watermelon. This time? He got to try a veal chop bone. Click on the pictures to see full size.

First – the bone.

Crazy Eyes.

CHOMP.

Yum.

SO GOOD.

Demolished.

I was on gchat and I asked Editor and NambyPamby the same question:

“Would you fuck Jennifer Lopez?“

Let’s see how this goes.

EDITOR

RE: Would you fuck Jennifer Lopez?

Editor: J-Lo? hmmm, i mean, right NOW?  yes, because, like, I wouldn’t turn it down. But I need more. What’s the context here?

RE: WHAT THE FUCK.

Editor: Dude.

RE: I MEAN SERIOUSLY?

Editor: j-lo. well. Give me the context. You mean as opposed to NOT fucking J-LO if I had the chance?

RE: YOU IS NAKED IN A ROOM. WITH JLO.

Editor: she’s not disease riddled, right?

RE: AND SHE WANT TO FUCK. THERE’S YOUR CONTEXT.

Editor: then yes. J-Lo circa 1998. J-Lo circa 2011 is old and has kids. and has been fucking what’s his name. her husband. marc antony.

RE: I’m fucking dying laughing.

Editor: Like…Pre-Affleck J-Lo? Totes.

RE: Lemme get this straight. You might turn down J-Lo cause some other ugly dick been in her?

Editor: fine. yes. i’d bang j-lo.

THE NAMBY PAMBY

RE: Would you fuck Jennifer Lopez?

NP: Probably? I mean, there are a lot of factors to consider. like, would that be like sticking certain parts of my body into a garbage disposal/blender

RE: WTF.

NP: she is attractive. and i am presently operating under the “beggars cannot be choosers” mantra at the moment. so. THERE.

RE: JESUS.

NP: WILL SHE LOVE ME BACK. CAN I BE THE SMALL SPOON

RE: I can’t even look at you, man. Are you fucking J-Lo or are you being a mangina? *STARE*

NP: OH THE DEATH ST…AHHHHH  AHHHH NOOOOOOOOO!

RE: ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? Like, seriously, she’s in a room naked. wants you.  YOU WOULD TURN HER DOWN?

NP: Clearly this will never happen. but probably not.

RE: You are such an asshole. I’m laughing so hard. LISTEN, ASSHOLE. I am here to TELL YOU that if you were in a room with your boxers down  and JLO grabbed hold, YOU WOULD NOT TURN IT DOWN. I mean, it could be fucking JOE from FACTS OF LIFE and you might be okay with that shit. SO LET ME ASK YOU ONCE AGAIN, BROTHER. WOULD YOU FUCK JLO?

NP: this is Jenny from the Block, right?

RE: YES.

NP: I mean, she’s married.

RE: I’m going to slug you. Like, straight up fucking slug you. YES OR NO.

NP: yeah, probably.

LEGALLY FABULOUS

So, then I decided to share this conversation with Legally Fabulous.

RE: Get a load of this shit. I’m sending you two conversations.

<Pause while Legally Fabulous reads the conversation>

LF: god. they’re such retards.

RE: Right? listen up, white boy, you’d let her WRECK YOU. but for some reason, it cracks me the fuck up that those two idiots were like: “well, tell me more.” I mean, REALLY? Do you need more?

LF: lol. right. like if you asked me “would you fuck Justin Timberlake?” “yes.” the end. THERE ARE NO FACTORS TO CONSIDER.

RE: THANK YOU.

CONCLUSION

Those two assholes would fuck J-L0.

I’d fuck J-Lo.

Legally Fab would fuck Justin Timberlake.

Any questions?

1.  Pardon the relative radio-silence. My grandmother passed away on April 11. Following that week, which I might add sucked, I returned to work only to have that self-implode (while in the middle of an office move) so I’ve been spending all my time with family (cool) or sitting with my work laptop in front of me (not as much with the cool).

For those of you who follow me on twitter, you were with me on this ride the whole time from that phone call to go to the hospital to the sad news the next day. Thank you.

2.  Speaking of my grandmother, I went to bring her flowers on Easter. This mainly involved me wandering around Rosehill Cemetery clutching a bunch of purple tulips in one hand while walking past people who legitimately  knew where the heck their loved ones were buried.  Awesome.

3.  As an interesting side note… at this particular cemetery… the head stone is placed at the head of the grave but the words face away from the body.  It’s like someone took the head stone and turned it 180 degrees. I thought that if I was standing a foot away from the headstone reading it, I’d essentially be standing over her. But instead, she’s on the other side of the headstone. Like, on the back of it.  Is this normal?

My mother informed me that this was that you could read the headstone and not be standing on top of her. Nevermind that you’re just standing on top of some other deceased person. I mean, I suppose it is okay because you can’t read that person’s headstone and look them in the face, so to speak.  What if their loved ones were there at the same time and were like, “You’re…standing on my loved one. Go stand on your own.” These are the things no one bothers to explain to you when you’re cemetery ignorant.

But also, it made me blurt out, “What the heck! They buried her on the wrong side!” when I finally found the grave.

It’s a talent, being this ignorant.

1.  Little Filthy and I went to see my parents yesterday.  No matter how old you are, you’re still your mom’s kid. We were at the library and I walked out of the bathroom to find my mother looking over her glasses at me. I looked down at my pants and the wet handprints I’d left there instead of drying my hands in the air dryer. You know, like an adult. She didn’t say a word – just went back to reading but I’m pretty sure I saw her sigh.

2.  My mother and I were discussing my father’s family. My father has a sister who used to… how shall I say this? She was very…messy and had a hard time throwing things away. This was long before there was a weekly, hour long show to explain the delicate nature of hoarders – when you could still safely refer to such people as the trainwreck that occurs when messy collides with lazy.

I said, “Remember how messy and full her place was? That was before we knew there was a name for it.”

My mother nodded and said solemnly, “White trash.”

I burst out laughing and said, “I meant hoarders.”

She said, “What’s the difference?”

3.  My father finished work and we decided that we wanted steak for dinner. I said to my mother, “We decided on what to have for dinner!” My mom said, “Fish?”

Oh that’s right. See, my parents are Catholic. I’m Catholic, too – that is, if you’re allowed to say that when what you really mean, “I had Catholicism once but it cleared up.”

I said, “Ummm… No. We want steak.”

My mother wrinkled her nose a little. Mind you, we’d had lunch together and she ate some beef. But see, that was a mistake. Now we weren’t just going to accidentally eat some meat – we were going to go to a steakhouse and there was no getting around the deliberate intention to eat meat on Friday during lent.

We got to the restaurant and they had a lot of grilled seafood options. I said, “Check it out, Mom! They have lots of seafood.”

She said, “But… we’re at a steakhouse!”

She had a steak.

Just goes to show.

Steak > Jesus.

(Kidding…kidding……….sort of.)

1.  This is me watching basketball tonight:

“Who is playing?”

“Butler? Seriously? they named a school after a manservant? Well, I can’t say that that makes any sense to me at all. Who are they playing?”

“The Huskies? Isn’t that, like, a clothing line or size for chubby boys? So it’s the servants versus the chubby kids?”

“I gotta go with the servants. The huskies will probably tire by half time or take a break for cookies and juice.”

2. My uncle’s e-mail was hijacked and the entire family received an e-mail from ‘him’ stating that he was stuck in another country and would we mind sending him some money?

My uncle realized what happened and sent a follow up e-mail that said, “Ignore that last e-mail from the hacker. If you want to send money, send it to <his real address.>”

My cousin replied, “The joke is on the hacker. He thought we would send money if you were stuck in another country.”

Welcome to the family.

3.  As my condo buying deal is damn near finalized, I thought it was time for me to break the news to the boy. He’s grown up here and has never lived someplace else.  We sat down at dinner and I told him I had news for him. I then explained that we’d be walking in a new neighborhood, sleeping in a new room, terrorizing a whole new park full of dogs. And then I showed him a picture of the new place.

And you know what? He just couldn’t care less.

Today, for some reason, I wondered if it hurts animals to get a swift kick in the balls as much as it does humans.  What if I get attacked by a bear? This kind of information could come in handy.

I asked my friend – her nickname here is Piggy. Not because she’s anything like a pig. In fact, she’s thin and pretty. But her sister likes to say to her, “Eat up, piggy.” when she eats. I realize this sounds remarkably rude but, in fact, it is remarkably funny.  Anyway, I decided to ask Piggy what she thought about the animal balls issue.

RE: Do you think it hurts an animal to get kicked in the balls like it hurts a human?

Piggy: <Pause> It seems like the kind of thing you could figure out pretty easily…like, just see how many nerve endings are in a human penis compared to an animal penis.

RE: Really? That’s how you’d do it? Because I was going to suggest just kicking an animal in the balls.

Piggy: You could never do that! You wouldn’t kick an animal in the balls.

RE: Okay, fine, I wouldn’t kick an animal in the balls. Maybe just like bump them in the balls.

Piggy: How do you just bump an animal’s balls?? they are like, down there. You can’t just bump some balls.

RE: I bet on a farm somewhere, someone has bumped an animal’s balls. Like, maybe they were milking away and their hand just jerked out and hit some balls.  Wait… that doesn’t make any sense.  I just need to find someone with a farm.

Piggy: You think you’re going to find someone on a farm who is going to remember when they once bumped into an animal’s balls and will remember its reaction??

RE: I’m telling you…I’d remember if I bumped into an animal’s balls.  I just need to find someone on a farm! This reminds me of another question I had for farmers. Are extra large chickens laying extra large eggs? Or do they all come from the same size chicken?

Piggy: It depends, like,…the color and size of the eggs depend on their feed and the quality of their diet.

RE: Why is there only Large and Extra Large? Do eggs come in Small or Medium?

Piggy: Yeah… Isn’t there also a Jumbo?

RE: Seriously? It’s like the Starbucks of eggs with these sizes. Large, Extra Large and JUMBO.

Piggy: There are a lot of different types of eggs. Omega-3 eggs…

RE: Those are like…those fatty acid eggs – so, where the hell do those things come from? What kind of chicken is laying those?

Piggy: Those chickens are fed a special diet, rich in Omega-3 fatty acids.

RE: <pause> How do you know this?! Are you on a farm right now?!

Piggy: I’m not on a farm! I wrote an article about it once!

RE: Ah ha!! So you know people who have farms!

Piggy: I don’t know anyone who has a farm!

RE: Oh. <pause> Damn.  I was going to ask you to do a favor for me.

Wikipedia is useless.