Random Esquire

1.  Why do I always end up dating teachers?

Because I have childhood fantasies, people. That’s why.

2.  I am leaving for NYC on Saturday morning. Work threatens to explode while I am gone.  This displeases me.

3.  Instigator’s daughter calmly explained the mechanics of sex to a peer.  This cracks me up.

4.  Little Filthy will be staying with my parents while I am out of town.  I suspect he will celebrate by baking a potato on my mother’s rug, as is his habit.  She will be delighted, no doubt.

5.  I will be meeting up with the Seattle Crew while in NYC.  They will all meet my sister.  This should be interesting!

Nevermind what got me to this video…

but once I watched it, I imagined it was the kind of video Liz Lemon would make while home alone on a Saturday night. I can’t stop laughing at it!

Today… I made change for a prostitute.

I walked into a gas station and a certain lady of the evening was at the counter, trying to buy… cigars.

I know.

The irony.

She turned to me and said, “Baby, you got change for a fifty?”

I reached into my pocket and pulled out two twenties and two fives.

She handed me a fifty.  I shoved it in my pocket.

She said, “Thank you so much, baby. You sweet.”

Then she turned and bought some Swisher Sweets, peeled one open and licked it.  Right there in the gas station while the attendant and I stood awkwardly watching.

I take entertainment where I can get it.

Rubbermoon sent a gift for Little Filthy. He loves it!

1. I don’t want to ask my client how she’s gone through life thus far without developing any coping skills but I am genuinely curious because I feel like her method could be patented.

2. There is this great misconception with people who equate having the right to do something with it being a right thing to do. Or that having an opinion makes it worth hearing. No, no, people. No, no.

3. I almost made it all the way through Spanish class last night without a single misunderstanding. That is, until the end of class when the teacher said “I will see your balls!”

At least, this is what I heard.

This is partly due to the following reasons:

a) We have not yet learned the days of the week.
b) Thursday, in Spanish, is ‘Jueves’ which sounds like “hway-ves”
c) Eggs, in Spanish, are ‘Huevos’ which sounds like “hway-vos”
d)  ‘Huevos’ is slang for testicles/balls.

The rest of it is due to the fact that I’m an idiot and thought that it would be cool to read a book about Spanish slang.

In fact, my teacher was merely saying, “I will see you Thursday.”

2 classes down, only 6 more to go!

1.  I have been feeling scattered.  Like my energy has dissipated and spread out like fog.  Have you ever tried to collect fog?

2.  Culo is, in fact, not Spanish for cool.

3.  I took the bar exam 10 years ago this week.  I still have a t-shirt that says, “Do it once. Do it right. Never do it again.”

4.  The Spanish word for ‘pregnant’ is the same as the Spanish word for ‘embarrassed’:  Embarazada.  I can’t tell if I find that a little funny or a little wrong.

5.  Instigator and I went to lunch today.  She ate a salad.  I ate steak. Figures.

6.  Las mujeres buenas van al cielo… las malas a cualquier parte.

Good girls go to heaven… the bad ones wherever they want.

7.  I’ve been feeling a bit on edge.  On Sunday, when I tried to exit the train, people pressed in toward me, trying to board.  This is such idiocy.  I surprised myself by yelling, “BACK OFF.”

Fight or Flight?

Fight.

8.  English has 6 verb tenses.  Spanish has 14.

What.  The.  Hell.

9.  You don’t take something personal.  You take it personally.  You don’t take something serious.  You take it seriously.

10.  I have to learn 68 Spanish verbs for class on Thursday.

Dude, I don’t even do 68 different things.

Anyone else a little cranky?

I am already the problem student in Spanish class.

But it isn’t really my fault.  See, we were going over nouns and what is masculine and feminine and I noticed that you say ‘el gato‘ for male cat and ‘la gata‘ for female cat. So I applied my awesome logic to this and here is how it went:

Random:  “Ohhh, so if I have a female dog, I’d say ‘yo tengo una perra‘.”

Teacher:  *GRIN*

Random: *Blink*

Teacher:  “‘La perra‘ means ‘bitch’ and in parts of the world, ‘la perra‘ is slang for prostitute.  You said that you have a prostitute.”

Random:  *Blink*

*Sigh*

So class continues and we are practicing sentences aloud.  I am supposed to say that I am on a trip.

Trip.

Which is, in Spanish, viaje.

“en un viaje” = “on a trip.”

Except, if you can’t remember the correct word for trip and you can’t remember if it is masculine or feminine, one might say in class:

“… en una vieja.”

Which basically means “on an old lady.”

That’s right.  I said that I was on an old lady.

So, just to recap so we’re all together:

Class #1:  I informed the class that I have a prostitute and that I am on an old lady.

I am already the problem student in Spanish class.

1.  I start Spanish classes on Thursday.  Just think…in 8 short weeks, I’ll be president of Mexico!

2.  I will no longer say “piece of shit.”  I’m going to say “chunk of shit” – it’s got a little something…more to it.

3.  Now…let’s be clear.

I didn’t shrink his head.

Or stick clown feet on him.

That’s just how he looks.

When he’s sitting up.

On the couch.

Like a person.

As you may know, I am sometimes mildly critical of television ads or PR work for some products.  Products that have *cough* come under scrutiny include:  Smuckers, Jif, Folgers (many times because they suck so hard I can’t take it) and today, my attention is turned to…

Cafe Steamers.

So, a Cafe Steamer is, according to Healthy Choice, a frozen food that steams in your microwave and tastes totally awesome.

Now, let me tell you what a Cafe Steamer really is:

• A Cafe Steamer is what a teenager hopes he or she doesn’t find on the toilet seat when they have bathroom detail at their first job.

Or..

• A Cafe Steamer is something that happens in the back room of a cafe involving a man and a woman, an unzipped pair of pants and preferably some kneepads.

Or…

• A Cafe Steamer is when someone poops on you during lunch… while you’re in Cleveland for business.

• …unless, of course, they poop on your face while you’re in Boston for business.

Or…

• A Cafe Steamer is something that happens in the backroom of a cafe in Ireland involving two men, an unzipped pair of pants, preferably some kneepads and may or may not involve a glory hole.

Okay?  That’s a Cafe Steamer.  I’m just saying that if someone asks you if you’d like a Cafe Steamer, you may want to think about it.

Dude. Check out the youngest kid, next to the dog.