Random Esquire

1.  I tried tamarinds this weekend.  Besos cracked open the pod and I bit off some of the sticky fruit.  Then I shuddered as drool drained out my mouth.  Okay, that’s not entirely accurate - but it was damn sour.  I can’t believe that I hadn’t had it before.  Then I decided that I wanted to eat more things that I’d never eaten before.  So I tried menudo.  Only, I found out later that Besos had told the server that I was a novice and so some things were left out of the soup.  I demanded to eat whatever was omitted so the server brought me a bowl with a calf’s foot in it, which I ate bits of while Besos cringed.  And then I ate a taco…with tongue.  That’s right. A tongue chunk taco.  Again, Besos cringed and shuddered.  What else should I try?

2.  The local newscast showed a bar where supporters were cheering on an Olympic athlete from a neighboring town.  They interviewed a woman and I did a double take at her.  She had the deepest vertical wrinkle I’d ever seen between her eyes.  It looked like a slot for a vending machine and I wondered if anyone was ever tempted to slide a quarter into her forehead.

3.  I’m officially a photographer (I guess) in that I’m going to get paid for some photographs.  Which is ironic.  Because LynchSeattle had to explain what an F-Stop was to me just last week.  How about that. I’m like a half-ass idiot-savant.

[Edited to add:  Just spoke with Besos and now I’m disturbed I picked at the calf foot.  I don’t like the idea of eating something that probably stepped in its own feces.  Or anyone or anything else’s feces, for that matter.  Yeah, probably no more foot for me.]

I met the Seattle peeps on Tuesday and it felt like a reunion. The real ice breaker was on that night after I went to the hotel and met up with LynchSeattle, Bev, and Avitania (who already did an awesome re-cap of the week!).  We decided to go for Chicago pizza and upon seeing the line for Gino’s East snake out the door and down the block, Avitania said, “What is this the line for?!  Head??”  I burst out laughing and that pretty much defined the humor and fun that was to come.

After stuffing ourselves on pizza, Besos met up with us and we went to Big Bar and we officially got blynched together.  My cheeks hurt from laughing so hard.

Wednesday -  After work, I met up with Bev and we went to a cocktail party which, quite honestly, stunk.  It was outside and the wind made it a bit uncomfortable.  We left early and went to the loft where Bev had her first meeting with Little Filthy and Boss.  Then off to Marche where we met with Avitania, her husband (C), LynchSeattle, Instigator, and Plush.  Lots of eating, drinking, and laughing.

Thursday -  C and LynchSeattle met me at the loft in the afternoon (while Bev and Avitania got pedicures) and we went to pick up wine for their dinner at Schwa where the four out-of-towners enjoyed the 9 course tasting, including lamb brains and sweetbreads for dessert.  Major props to Sitcom who scored the reservation.  Besos and I met up with them after dinner and went to a local pub where we sat outside and laughed so hard, my stomach hurt.   There may be footage of me singing Paradise by the Dashboard Lights.

Friday - I met up with the gang downtown in the morning and we did the Segway tour of Chicago.  LynchSeattle is like Steve Wozniak because he has a Segway in the office.  We zoomed around Chicago, snapping pictures and making bets on who would wipeout first.   Then we hit Chinatown for Vietnamese food.  The gang hit Shedd Aquarium.  We met back up at Ed Debevik’s for a rowdy dinner of burgers, malts, fries and more laughter.  The gang gave me a very, very nice wine stopper.  The server asked what it was and I told her it was an anal plug.  Only in Ed’s can you get away with this sort of thing.  Our bill came with a nice drawing of an anal plug on it.  Welcome to Chicago, people.

Saturday -  I picked up the peeps and we went to get a jump on the line at Hot Doug’s.  Yes, we were line for hot dogs at 10:30 in the morning.  I can not explain this to you except to say that just the day before, Anthony Bourdain was at this little joint eating.  It’s that good.  On the weekend, you can get french fries…made in duck fat.  Byes to C and Avitania who were catching a flight home and I dropped the peeps off downtown to get some Garrett Popcorn.  I met up with Bev and LynchSeattle at the Oprah Store (seriously) and we meandered back to the loft where we mixed drinks, ordered pizza, watched the opening ceremonies (thank you, TiVo), and talked cameras.  Chill and perfect.

Sunday -  Bev, LynchSeattle and I toured an art fair before heading to the John Hancock Observatory to enjoy the view.  The weather all week had been gorgeous and it was borderline chilly when we sat outside afterwards, eating lunch.  Then to the hotel to pick up luggage before heading to the train where we said our byes.

I can’t begin to capture just how much fun I had this past week.  The Seattle peeps are great, kind, hilarious, fun people.  Now I’ve got to get my butt up to Seattle in October and hope for warm enough weather that LynchSeattle and I can go sky-diving.  Woot!

Well!  The Seattle crew rolled in last night and we enjoyed some Chicago pizza.  Besos then joined us and we headed to a bar to get blynched.  Tonight, I will be taking Bev to a seafood tasting where she will get blynched on wine and then we will head over to meet the rest of the crew for French food and more blynching.  Boss, Plush, and Instigator will be joining us.

Instigator IM’d me this morning and asked what she should wear.  I told her about the place.  She then asked what Plush would wear.  Then what Boss would wear.  I told her my reasonable guesses for each.  About an hour later, she sent me another IM:  “I’m still trying to decide what to wear. This is important. Plush will wear a dress and Boss will wear what again? It’s all about the clothes.”

I said, “Honestly, now you really do sound like a girlfriend.”

She said, “Actually - it’s all about the shoes.”

I once again described the attire.  She said, “I’m looking forward to dinner tonight!”  I said I was, too.

She said, “Well, you should - you have three dates.”

Touche.

Little Filthy tried corn today.

A sniff.

A lick.

A nibble.

ATTACK!

Assessing the damage.

Conclusion: He likes it.

1. I find it humorous that I somehow manage to be a bit of a foodie and to enjoy some incredible meals and yet yesterday, I found myself banging two frozen waffles together over the sink wondering if too much ice had formed on them to get them crispy. And then I burned them in the toaster oven. Foodie FAIL.

2. I noticed a bulge in the bathroom ceiling yesterday. I quickly figured out that the air conditioner’s condensation drain was clogged (the AC is above the bathroom) and that the kill switch to prevent the pan overflow had obviously failed. But for a moment, as I stared at the bulge, I hoped that it would beat and pulse and indicate the presence of a evil spirit or poltergeist in the hopes that I could avoid calling AC repair and just opt for a priest or crazy little old lady to tell me that ‘this house is clean.’

3. Last night I saw Plush and she is just as great as ever. She’s a peach, that one.

4. My friend (new nickname: Sitcom) had a bit of a wild night at a bar a while back. It began with a bit of a slap-fight that turned into kissing that then ended with a night of passion, as they say. So life continued on after that evening and then Sitcom finds out that this person she’d had this fight/night with? Yeah, he won an Oscar. Sitcom calls up her friend to tell said friend about this bit of news but before she begins her story, Sitcom’s friend excitedly tells her story…that she (friend) just slept with a guy who designed a Target circular and wasn’t that terribly exciting?! Sitcom’s friend was so excited to have actually slept with the guy who decides if the video games belong in electronics or toys. And Sitcom then had to tell her that her wild fling was with an Oscar winner. Talk about raining on someone’s parade.

This made me think that I need a more exciting job.

1. Little Filthy likes to dig in any bag you happen to leave on the ground. Laptop bag? Check. Gym bag? Check. Purse? Check. The last few times Besos has been over, he’s managed to get into her bag and take out a metal tin of mints. We realized only when we heard him shaking it with his mouth, trying to open it. He’s eaten a pack of gum out of Boss’s purse, as well. Today, I heard him in the other room and Besos said, “I zipped my bag. He can’t get in it.” I wasn’t so sure. I walked back and saw Little Filthy with his head entirely inside the bag. His head emerged and something dropped out of his mouth and on to the ground. I leaned over, picked it up and blinked.

It was a g-string.

I handed it to Besos. She sighed, took it from me and said, “Well, he’s definitely your dog.”

2. My buddy (the same who suggested I upgrade to first class on our ride to hell) participated in the Chicago Dragon Boat races this past weekend. (See picture example here.) Apparently, he wasn’t on the winning team. He complained about the difficulty of competing against the fire department and the police department. He said, “Those dudes are all like 6 foot 3…and I know you’re required to have six women on each team but they ought to make you have six actual Asians on a team.” Yeah. He’s Asian.

3. I am once again struck by the fact that I find the borderline offensive funny. I said something *cough* tongue-in-cheek to Boss tonight to which she responded, “You’re RIDICULOUS.” But you know what? I don’t think you’re allowed to tell me I’m horrible if you’re laughing when you say it. In fact, I’m pretty sure that just encourages me.

4. Take a look at that handsome devil! Chip off the old block, that g-string stealin’ little monster.

I spoke with my sister tonight.  My niece is 2 and my nephew is 4 1/2 months old.  She said, “I’m going to get the kids baptized.”

I said, “Oh, yeah? What prompted that?”

(Just for the record, I realize the correct answer is “Jesus” but I asked, nonetheless.)

My sister said, “Well, you know I’m not all Catholic but it’s easier to do this when they are young. Otherwise, it’s a pain in the ass if they decide to get baptized later.”

Did I mention that my sister and I both went to Notre Dame?  That might have backfired.  We’re not all Catholic.  We’re Cafeteria Catholics.  (I’ll take some of that…a little of that…none of that please…)

She continued, “But if I do it here in town, I have to join the church and all that.  So instead, I have this friend…and she knows a priest.”  She might have whispered that last part.  I can’t remember because I was already laughing.

She said, “Yeah, I just have to make a donation.  To his mission.  In Sri Lanka.”

So I’m going to go visit and sign the paperwork to be a godparent.  And then, when the kids get older, I can tell them all about how their mother acquired a black market baptism for them from some beatnik poet dressed in black making money on the side by painting white-out on his collar and blessing the children with Pellegrino.

You know, since he’s for hire, maybe I’ll get Little Filthy baptized.  Anyone want to make sure my dog grows up properly? He’s going to need some godparents.

1.  Jesse Jackson sure stuck his foot in it with that open mic.  Turns out he actually said the N-word.  And I don’t mean the word ‘nuts’ when he said he’d like to cut Obama’s nuts off….which is so ridiculous, I hardly know how to respond to it.  The odd thing is that just about 2-3 weeks ago, I ran into Jesse Jackson here in Chicago.  I was surprised to see him alone and not with anyone.  I hope someone is with him now, protecting his nuts.

2.   Will some nice gay man please take Bev to see Mama Mia?

3.   Speaking of nuts and gay men, The Italian’s current girlfriend wore a particular outfit in the bedroom that made him very happy.  Her gay male friend chose it for her.  The Italian wanted to thank said gay man and mid-ramble, casually said he’d lick this guy’s nuts.  I said, “Whoa whoa whoa, back up, back up….”

He said, “Yes?”

I said, “Did you say lick his nuts or suck his nuts?”

He said, “I said lick.  I’m not that gay.”

Intelligent repartee:  don’t look for it here.

1. I said something remarkably stupid to Besos. Here’s the thing…sometimes I forget that she’s Mexican. I realize that sounds stupid. But I forget. (Hey, pretty women do this to me…) Until at one point last weekend, I looked at her and sort of did a double take. She said, “What?” I said, “Sometimes I forget that you’re Mexican.” I could sense her resisting the urge to groan or roll her eyes. She said, “What?!” I said, “I forget and then I look at you and you look distinctly Mexican and then I realize that it’s like…it’s like I’m dating Maria from Sesame Street.”

I know. I know.

I’m an idiot.

2. Do extra-large eggs come from extra-large chickens? Or does the same size chicken lay different sizes of eggs, which are sorted later?

3. This morning, on the news, a reporter said, “Three masked men banged on the front door and burst in…and that’s when things turned bad.” I don’t know. I think the turn happened a little earlier, myself.

4. Emma Thompson is out. I have a new soccer mom crush. It’s Natalie Morales from The Today Show.

5. Boss and I went out to eat last night. She had a mango martini. We each had a nice calamari salad. Diver scallops for dinner.

I love the song Paradise by the Dashboard Lights.

Don’t hate me for being juvenile.