Random Esquire

Little Filthy sleeping on his paws (ab0ve)

PEACH YOGURT – DELICIOUS.

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Black cherry yogurt? ALSO DELICIOUS.

I like to snap picture of the lake when I snag a cab home.

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Dinner party at my sister’s – figs, gorgonzola, honey.

Little Filthy had an upset stomach here. He ate grapes off a table. Thought he might be toxic but the little boy pulled through and was back to himself in about a week. Scary!

There was a lot of travel at the end of the year. Little Filthy disapproves.

Legs got Little Filthy a pumpkin shirt.

Dinner one night.

Unfortunately, Little Filthy has learned that he just needs to climb over the back of the couch to look out the windows. *sigh*

Eggs lined up. These are from the restaurant Next. I was at the Food and Wine magazine event at the Museum of Contemporary Art.

Playing LEGOS with my nephew.

Dinner at the loft.

First snow fall.

Passed out.

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Little Filthy has so far tried:

Peanut Butter, Carrots, Green Beans, Bananas, Corn, and Watermelon. This time? He got to try a veal chop bone. Click on the pictures to see full size.

First – the bone.

Crazy Eyes.

CHOMP.

Yum.

SO GOOD.

Demolished.

1.  Little Filthy and I went to see my parents yesterday.  No matter how old you are, you’re still your mom’s kid. We were at the library and I walked out of the bathroom to find my mother looking over her glasses at me. I looked down at my pants and the wet handprints I’d left there instead of drying my hands in the air dryer. You know, like an adult. She didn’t say a word – just went back to reading but I’m pretty sure I saw her sigh.

2.  My mother and I were discussing my father’s family. My father has a sister who used to… how shall I say this? She was very…messy and had a hard time throwing things away. This was long before there was a weekly, hour long show to explain the delicate nature of hoarders – when you could still safely refer to such people as the trainwreck that occurs when messy collides with lazy.

I said, “Remember how messy and full her place was? That was before we knew there was a name for it.”

My mother nodded and said solemnly, “White trash.”

I burst out laughing and said, “I meant hoarders.”

She said, “What’s the difference?”

3.  My father finished work and we decided that we wanted steak for dinner. I said to my mother, “We decided on what to have for dinner!” My mom said, “Fish?”

Oh that’s right. See, my parents are Catholic. I’m Catholic, too – that is, if you’re allowed to say that when what you really mean, “I had Catholicism once but it cleared up.”

I said, “Ummm… No. We want steak.”

My mother wrinkled her nose a little. Mind you, we’d had lunch together and she ate some beef. But see, that was a mistake. Now we weren’t just going to accidentally eat some meat – we were going to go to a steakhouse and there was no getting around the deliberate intention to eat meat on Friday during lent.

We got to the restaurant and they had a lot of grilled seafood options. I said, “Check it out, Mom! They have lots of seafood.”

She said, “But… we’re at a steakhouse!”

She had a steak.

Just goes to show.

Steak > Jesus.

(Kidding…kidding……….sort of.)

Little Filthy has had corn, carrots, watermelon, peanut butter, and banana. Today, he got a green bean. I hadn’t intended it to be a food trying day but … well, he practically insisted.

I made lunch.

I decided to eat while sitting on the couch (I know, I know.)

Within seconds, Little Filthy was at my side.

His face says, “Whatcha got there?”

That’s just pathetic, right? So I showed him some green beans.

Two seconds before he was almost in trouble.

His patience was rewarded.

I was invited to attend the Food and Wine Magazine Expo at the Museum of Contemporary Art last night and thought I’d take some pictures for you to enjoy.  Click to enlarge.

1. I got a culinary chubby the other day.  Here’s how it happened.

I walked down the hall toward my loft and smelled… Cake and bacon.  Cake and bacon!  I think that if I had smelled coffee, I might have flopped around on the ground.

2.  There’s something satisfying about eating food *off* of something.

Like, ribs.  Or corn on the cob.  Or food on a stick.  Whatever.

3.  Instigator was in my office today and we were talking about a recent dinner out after which… we hugged each other.  See, we’re co-workers.  So we don’t hug each other – despite the fact that Instigator is my work girlfriend.

I asked Instigator,  “Is that the first time we’ve hugged?”

Instigator stared at me.  She said, “What?”

I repeated, “Is that the first time we’ve hugged?”

Her eyes got larger and she said, “WHAT?”

I said, “I asked if that is the first we have ever hugged each other.”

Instigator said, “Oh my God, I thought you asked if that was the first time we fucked.”

I burst out laughing and then I said it a few times outloud again and sure enough, it does sort of sound like I asked her if that was the first time we’d fucked.

I’ll see if HR calls me tomorrow.

You may recall the ordeal I went through known as “Where’s my blender?”

This is when I got my parents a $300+ blender because they liked fruit smoothies.  Whatever.  It was Christmas.

Well, as you may have heard… Chicago experienced quite the storm today.  Windows flew out of the Willis/Sears Tower, Chicago turned dark as night in the daytime, hail fell and, generally speaking, everything went to shit for a while.

It is now 10:30 p.m.  My parents have texted me a few times to let me know that their electricity is still out but that they are comfortable and it should be fine.

My father said it was generally okay outside and so they were not too warm.  Still, not entirely comfortable.

I texted back, “That sucks.”

My father responded, “It sure does. Mom just got her Vitamix Pro 500 and we never got to try it!”

Yes.

Unfortunately, I am serious.  They upgraded.  To a $600 blender.

I don’t get it.  They both have all their teeth.  What the hell are they doing over there?!

1.  Remember how I got my parents new phones and an unlimited text plan?  My father has been trying to teach my mother how to send text messages.  By “trying to teach”, I mean “forcing her to learn”.

Today, he forwarded a message to me and said, “This is mom’s first text message to me.”

It said: “You drive me craze.”

English is her second language.  I sort of think it’s the best text message ever.

2.  A friend of mine recently lost her father.  This is the same close friend whose cousins drove their father’s ashes around in a Nieman-Marcus bag in the trunk of their car.  Needless to say, the family has a wild side and a very good sense of humor.  Her father was also quite the character.

I had flowers sent for his service and was understandably upset when a friend told me that they had not arrived.  I called the florist, left a message and a half hour later, got a call back.  The flowers had been delivered to the wrong funeral.

See, the thing is - I had them write a message on the card.   And this means… that someone else’s funeral had flowers at them with a card that said:

“WHAT A PISTOL.”

All I could think was that I hope it wasn’t a gunshot victim.

3.  My dinner last night – fondly nicknamed my Lady Date by Dysfunction Junction – was awesome.  The restaurant is always so gracious and awesome. Kitchen / Back of House tour ended the evening.  Evening started, however, with a gift which shall heretofore be known as LADY DATE PENELOPE.

It’s a heart picture frame in which they’d placed a picture of Penelope Cruz.  I shall be taking her to different locations and taking picture of her like she’s the Travelocity Garden Gnome.