Random Esquire

Besos spoke with her family tonight.  Afterwards, she looked at me and said, “That was my grandmother.”

Besos continued, “She said, ‘I just had surgery in one eye and the other one doesn’t work.’”

I paused and looked up.

She said, “So I said, “Oh…., well, use your imagination, Grandma.‘”

I burst out laughing.  I said, “Seriously?”

She laughed and said, “Well, what was I supposed to say??  Besides…she didn’t hear me.”

I said, “She didn’t hear you?”

She said, “No…she’s gone deaf.”

I couldn’t help it. I burst out laughing again.

We’re going to hell.

1.  Hit the Jersey Shore yesterday.  I wish there was some way I could have snapped a picture of a couple sitting on the beach.  Both in lawn chairs, the woman was all of 90 pounds and 90 years old with a vibrant red head of wig perched atop her noggin and skin the color of an old penny.  Her skinny limbs stuck out of her body like lollipop sticks.  Not to be outdone was her husband whose prosthetic leg was removed and perched just below his knee while his shortened limb was crossed over his other leg.  Basically, he had crossed his legs but left the prosthesis in place so it looked like they weren’t crossed until you paused and realized that his thigh was in fact crossed toward his other leg.   They made an interesting picture – not in a comical way – but more in the way that you wanted to know their story.  Naturally, I instantly nicknamed them Snookie and the Situation.

2.  Today, while my nephew napped, I looked at my niece and said, “What would you like to do?”

She responded ,”MAKE CUPCAKES.”

So we made cupcakes.

3.  Second only after cupcakes in enjoyment factor was holding my niece and nephew upside down by their ankles while they laughed hysterically.  I’m not sure my sister knows about that, though.

They didn’t barf or anything.

4.  My sister was charmed by the Seattle group.  She said that they seemed like people “who love experiences.”  And I agree.

5.  While at dinner tonight, my sister said to her son, “You’re going to school next week; did you know that? You’re going to go to school.”   And he said very simply, in his high pitched, tiny boy voice:

“Nooope.”

1. It’s hard to write a blog entry.

When a dog insists on standing on you and staring at you.

2.  I ate a mango today.  For some reason, I decided I would just peel it and eat it off of the pit.  Except, this wasn’t a small champagne mango. This was one of those big ass mangoes that white people buy because it is red and orange and pretty.

Dude. This was a mistake.

When I was done, it was like someone had put privacy curtains between each of my teeth.

3.  I saw my parents and their new $600 blender yesterday.  My mother gave me their throw-away $300 blender.  I had to ask.

I said, “Mom, what the hell are you two blending that you need that machine?”

Because the only thing I’ve seen them use the thing for is fruit smoothies.

My mom said, “It makes awesome margaritas!”

I said, “Mom, you don’t drink.”

“I might start.”

Now, really, my mother does occasionally drink but pretty rarely.  I said, “You have maybe two margaritas a year.”

My father grunted and said, “Those are three hundred dollar margaritas.”

Happy father’s day!

You may recall the ordeal I went through known as “Where’s my blender?”

This is when I got my parents a $300+ blender because they liked fruit smoothies.  Whatever.  It was Christmas.

Well, as you may have heard… Chicago experienced quite the storm today.  Windows flew out of the Willis/Sears Tower, Chicago turned dark as night in the daytime, hail fell and, generally speaking, everything went to shit for a while.

It is now 10:30 p.m.  My parents have texted me a few times to let me know that their electricity is still out but that they are comfortable and it should be fine.

My father said it was generally okay outside and so they were not too warm.  Still, not entirely comfortable.

I texted back, “That sucks.”

My father responded, “It sure does. Mom just got her Vitamix Pro 500 and we never got to try it!”

Yes.

Unfortunately, I am serious.  They upgraded.  To a $600 blender.

I don’t get it.  They both have all their teeth.  What the hell are they doing over there?!

1.  My nephew is going through potty training.  My mother visited my sister and her family this weekend and was a witness to the magic that is potty training a little boy.  My mother informed me that she instructed my nephew to “hold it” while he stood in front of the toilet.  He did and then withdrew his hand again and looked up at my mother and said, “My pee-pee has a booger on it.”  I mean, I can understand why he didn’t want to hold something with a booger on it.  So you can hardly blame the kid.

2.  I spent Memorial Day on Lake Michigan, salmon fishing on a chartered boat.  One of the salty older men who was along on the trip told me a lot of stories that made me laugh.  When in college, he and a buddy thought that they would sign up for dance lessons as a way to meet girls.  They walked to the class congratulating themselves and when they got there, each was given a mannequin on roller skates.  He said it was horrible.

3.  I got a Droid Incredible. This means that I may become perfectly obnoxious posting pictures of everything because it is now super easy from my phone.  Having said that, while I understand that some of you (especially if you follow me on twitter) would appreciate a picture of Turtle or Permanently Pregnant girl, I have learned my lesson about trying to take pictures of people in public places.  I am reformed.

4.  The dog and I are going to have a beer and finish watching the hockey game.

CAUSE THAT HOW WE DO.

1.  I decided on a late night shower this evening.  I undressed and was going to get into the shower when I decided to lower the thermostat.  I walked out into the living room / kitchen naked and realized that the dishwasher had just finished the wash cycle.   I decided to open it instead of having it go through the dry cycle.  I flipped the latch, opened it a bit…

and damned if I didn’t almost steam my genitals.

2.  On the train this morning, I observed a young man whose natural expression was… slack jawed.  His lips were like two ships that pass in the night but never meet.  I don’t get it.  But I sat there and thought of all the other jacked up analogies I could make about his teeth.  Like, his upper lip was a window shade that wouldn’t pull down.  Or his upper lip was like a belly shirt that exposed too much teeth.  Dumb shit like that.

3.  I asked my sister her thoughts on towel sharing and informed her that some people wash their towels after every use.  Her response was, “Those people never went to college.”

4.  Editor and I had a beer outdoors on Friday night.  In the vein of being keenly observant, there was a woman at the next table and I could not help but notice her.  This is because her chin seemingly never met a jaw of any type but simply bled into her neck.  With her hair pulled back, she was remarkably turtle-like.  I suppose some people just inevitably get compared to animals.  I think, perhaps, the turtle is not so much a flattering comparison.

5.  My niece and nephew are big Little Filthy fans.  When they saw him on Sunday, I explained that he had received a shot in the leg and it had made his leg sore.   Remember when my niece pointed to Little Filthy’s exit door and asked, “What’s that hole?”   Well, this time, my nephew pointed to it and said, “is that shot? boo boo!”  Yeah.  He thinks Little Filthy’s hole is where he got his shot.  I don’t bother explaining things but cautioned against touching anything.

6.  I got my hair cut last week at a new place.  This means that I did not receive the kind ministrations of The Bumper.  The Bumper is the pretty young woman who would wash my hair prior to my cut and she would…*ahem* …bump me.  Honestly, people, it’s hard not to grin just typing that.  Anyway – no Bumper so therefore, no bumps.  Because, in case you didn’t know, it’s rude to dive for a bump.  Now you know. It’s one to grow on.

7.  When Little Filthy was at the vet last week, his anal glands were expressed.  The vet said: “they were quite full.”  This somehow makes me feel negligent.  I decided to see if I could learn how to do this so perhaps I could take care of this little issue when giving Little Filthy a bath.  Naturally, I turned to Youtube.

After a few videos, I decided that there are some things best left to the vet…  left to the vet and some dark room in the back where no one talks about what’s going on or what they’ve seen.

1.  When I was around age 3 or so, my parents had a party.  Apparently, I got out of bed, found an half open can of beer and finished it.  They found me sleeping in a corner.  Oh well.

2.  Not sure how old I was – maybe 6 – when I took an apple out of the fridge and took a bite and decided right then that I hated Red Delicious apples.  That is an ironic name.  While red, they are *not* delicious.  I didn’t want to finish it but I was taught not to waste food.  So, I couldn’t just toss it on to the top of the trash.

So I flushed it down the toilet.

Apparently, I decided that perhaps I’d just gotten a particularly bad apple.  So I got another.

It wasn’t any better.

So I flushed that one down the toilet, as well.

The next thing I really recall was my father shoving a snaking tool down into the toilet and scowling at both my sister and me as he tried to unclog the toilet, asking, “Did you do this??”  I denied it earnestly.  I’m not really sure what he thought when two apples with a small bite out of each bobbed up to the surface.  Goddamn small pipes.

3.  For years, as children, my sister and I used to sing a song together.  We sang “You’ve Got A Friend.”  My sister was in town this past weekend and we spent the day together on Monday.  Just the two of us.

As similar as we are, we’ve never been competitive.  As different as we are, we genuinely like each other.  I really couldn’t ask for a better friend.

When I was visiting my sister, my nephew enjoyed repeating the rhyme about monkeys jumping on a bed.  Want to hear it?  Here it go.

Two little monkeys, jumping on the bed.  One fell down and broke his head.  The mama called the doctor and the doctor said, “No more monkeys jumping on the bed.”

I did not think much of it until my sister turned to me and said, “Do you remember how it used to go when we were kids?”

*Blink*

I said, “What do you mean?”

She said, “It used to go: “The other called the doctor and the doctor said, ‘That’s what you get for jumping on the bed.’” It was far more punitive when we were children!”

And, in fact, she’s right.  When I was a kid, the moral of the story was sort of, “EH, you got what was comin’ to you, kid.  You jump on the bed, you might break your head.  It’d be your own damn fault.”

Now?  Now it’s some Dr. Oz bullshit quack who puts his hands on his hips, tilts his head and says, “Well!  We won’t be trying that again, will we?”

Kids today are soft.

I introduced my sister to the term “Funsuck” this weekend.

Here’s how the conversation happened – and to preface it, I’ll say that my sister has a friend – Sara – who, upon first meeting her, I identified as pleasant enough but also just as likely to hang you by the feet in her lair and deposit her eggs in you.  She’s… stiff.  Just everything about her appears rigid.  When I asked her if she had any siblings, she stated, “One.  We don’t get along.”

Well.  Aren’t you just lovely?

Anyway – back to funsucks.

Sister:  Sara is having a big 40th birthday party.  She decided that if she wasn’t married by the time she’s 40, she’d throw herself a big party.

RE:  You know why she’s not married?  Because she’s a funsuck.

Sister:  RANDOM!  (She was laughing.)  What??

RE:  A Funsuck!  Someone who sucks all the fun out of life.

Sister:  (laughing) She even sent out invitations.

RE:  Does it say “Happy 40th” to me??

Sister: No…. they are calling it a Family Celebration.

RE:  Does it say “Family Celebration in lieu of wedding“?

Sister:  No!

RE:  What a funsuck.

You know the people I’m talking about, right?  This is the person who, through some unseen force, is able to drain the life blood out of a group of people.  A person who has just gone sour, like milk.  Or like  mayo left in the sun to turn yellow.  Everyone else has to accommodate or compensate in some way by putting on a smile and paying attention to them, etc.  My sister and I refer to this as shaking a rattle at a baby.  Because when the baby fusses, someone has to go shake a rattle until he calms again and everyone else can return to having a good time.

Funsucks, of course, are closely related to mopes – who, as I have said, should be put down.

Dude, tell me who your funsuck is.

Last Wednesday, I took off work so I could accompany Besos to the hospital for an endoscopy.  I took along my camera.  This is because it is not every day that you get to see the inside of someone’s stomach and I wanted to document said procedure for posterity.  And when I say “for posterity”, I mean “for the blog.”

This may come as a shock but sometimes, I am annoying.  Like, really annoying.  That is exactly how I seemed when I bounced into her place, big grin on and camera ready to rock and roll.  Except, did you know this …?  that being the person who is going to get the endoscopy is actually a lot less fun than being the person who gets to stare at the inside of a stomach?

Me:  “Do you think they’ll let me in with you? Do you think they’ll let me film it?”

Besos:  “NO AND NO.”

Me:  “I think if you consent, maybe I can watch.”

Besos:  “We’ll see.”

Me:  “Do you think they’ll let me film it?”

Besos: “NO.  I am telling you NO.  You can not film it. I am saying NO.”

Me:  *Sad Trombone Sound*

Guess what?  They didn’t let me in.   Otherwise, I could be showing you a picture of the inside of a Besostomach.  I know! Bogus, right?

So, that was Wednesday.  My day for the hospital came last night. (more…)