Random Esquire

Besos spoke with her family tonight.  Afterwards, she looked at me and said, “That was my grandmother.”

Besos continued, “She said, ‘I just had surgery in one eye and the other one doesn’t work.’”

I paused and looked up.

She said, “So I said, “Oh…., well, use your imagination, Grandma.‘”

I burst out laughing.  I said, “Seriously?”

She laughed and said, “Well, what was I supposed to say??  Besides…she didn’t hear me.”

I said, “She didn’t hear you?”

She said, “No…she’s gone deaf.”

I couldn’t help it. I burst out laughing again.

We’re going to hell.

1.  Why do I always end up dating teachers?

Because I have childhood fantasies, people. That’s why.

2.  I am leaving for NYC on Saturday morning. Work threatens to explode while I am gone.  This displeases me.

3.  Instigator’s daughter calmly explained the mechanics of sex to a peer.  This cracks me up.

4.  Little Filthy will be staying with my parents while I am out of town.  I suspect he will celebrate by baking a potato on my mother’s rug, as is his habit.  She will be delighted, no doubt.

5.  I will be meeting up with the Seattle Crew while in NYC.  They will all meet my sister.  This should be interesting!

My sister and I spoke today.  She and her husband are experiencing the seven year itch.  Only, it appears to have gone from an itch to a rash, pending full breakout of hives.  We talked about marriage and men and women.  I asked her, “Have you ever heard that ‘a woman wants to have sex with a man because she’s fallen in love with him.  A man falls in love with a woman because he wants to have sex with her’?”

My sister started laughing and said, “What?!”

And then we discussed whether or not it had any merit.

So what say you, readers?  We all know it isn’t true all the time – I’m just curious about if you think there’s some truth to it at all.

What do you think?

I spoke with The Italian yesterday.

You remember him, right?

He’s the Jewish guy.

Glad we’re on the same page.

The Italian has resumed his former love affair with a Venezuelan woman.  The most obvious indication of this is that he can not stop talking at 100 miles per minute.  Here’s a snippet of our most recent conversation which we held over the phone while in the office.  Vinnie is his co-worker.

The Italian: “You are a very attractive man. And I do mean that sexually.  That’s my favorite thing to say. I say that to everyone. Mainly to my boyfriend, Vinnie. Did you know Vinnie was my boyfriend?  Oh, she [hot Venezuelan girlfriend] hates it when I call him that. But I call him that. VINNIE! Do you like it when I call you my girlfriend??”

[Heard in the background]: *SIGH* “I’m better with it since you started seeing [hot Venezuelan girlfriend] again.”

The Italian: “HA HA HA, He doesn’t mind! He’s my boyfriend! He’s in the next cube! We share a cubical wall!”

RandomEsq: “Is there a glory hole in your cubicle wall? You can tell me. I am your friend.”

The Italian: “Oh no no no no, no glory hole! RIGHT, VINNIE?! Oh, I just love Vinnie. He’s my boyfriend.”

RandomEsq:  “Is your dick in the glory hole right now?”

The Italian:  “HAHAHAHA! NO.”

RandomEsq:  “You’ve been getting a lot of sex, haven’t you?”

Whenever The Italian gets a lot of sex, he is wound up like a whirling dervish.

The Italian:  “OHhhhh yessssssss. LOTS OF SEX.  The best. We can never break up again. It can’t happen. I’m short, bald, and ugly.  I can never break up with [hot Venezuelan girlfriend] again!”

RandomEsq:  “DUDE. What is wrong with you!”

The Italian:  “Drugs. NOOooo, ha ha ha!  NOW THIS IS THE STORY ALL ABOUT HOW MY LIFE GOT FLIPPED TURNED UPSIDE DOWN…”

and then he was off. Singing Fresh Prince.

Yes.  Seriously.

I almost want to give out his number so you call can experience it.

I was speaking with Beth today and, upon recalling that both she and Besos like the show House, I began to ask her if she, too, found certain men (whom Besos finds attractive) attractive.  Here, let me show you how this went:

RE:  What about Gordon Ramsey?

Beth: Gordon’s attractive in a what-an-asshole! way.

RE: See right there. That kills me – That there even is a “what an asshole” way of attractiveness.

Beth: Oh, I guess it’s like the whole bad-boy thing women are attracted to.

RE: This just stumps me. When I think of what I want in a chick, I never think I’d like a whore with spending problems.

Beth: As for sleeping with Gordon, I’d go on a date with him and see what he was like as a “real” person.

RE:  Wait wait wait.  Back up.  What do you mean “what he was like as a ‘real’ person”?  You want him to actually be nice?

Beth:  Well, I presume he has as TV persona that’s more extreme than his everyday persona. I’d want him to be interesting. And yes, kind.

RE:  So, the thing that first attracted you to him, you don’t actually find attractive?  Man, seriously, women love faux assholes.

Beth:  I think it’s his take-charge-ness that really attracts me.

RE:   Guys don’t want to date a girl who is a whore, take her home, and then find out she’s a prude.  They like a girl who is sweet and then are pleasantly surprised when she turns out to be a whore.  See how that works?  That makes sense to me.

If I may now direct your attention to my earlier post:  Do men like whores?

So, tell me… Do women like bad boys and if so, why? I have a theory on this but want to hear what you all have to say.

1.  I torture Besos.

I mean, not in a truly mean way.  In a fun way.  It’s fun torture.

She got to my place last night after a long day at work.  I had made her dinner.  She ate, exhausted and hungry after a long day.  When she had finished, I looked at my watch and announced that she had 30 minutes to digest.

She stared back at me.

I said, “You know… before we do it.”

Frankly, I think she was impressed at my thoughtfulness.

(+1 Random.)

2.  I called Besos today while we were both working.  She is oftentimes with someone in her office.  She answered, “Besos speaking.”

I said, “Helllooooo.”

She replied, “Honey, I have someone in my office.  Can I call you right back?”

I said, “You can touch your boobs and say my name.”

She said (through what sounded almost like gritted teeth), “RANDOM!”

Obviously, however, she used my real name.

I hung up.

(Tie/Draw)

3.  She called me back.  She said, “Hello,” in that meaningful way.

I said, “What?  You didn’t want to touch your boobs and say my name?”

She said, “Oh, I did.  Didn’t you hear me say your name?  I was touching my boobs in front of people in my office.”

*Blink*

Sometimes, it is less fun when she plays along.

(+1 Besos)

Dammit!

1.  Apparently, I’d been doing something that Besos found less than charming.

I know.

I was just as surprised as you.

This came to light when her head exploded, spreading ash across much of the midwest thereby prompting the FAA to cease air travel for nearly 24 hours.

Perhaps you heard.

2.  I then informed Besos that it would be helpful if she told me these things when they occurred.  I said, “When a dog poops in the living room, you have to catch him.  You’re not supposed to just find it and then go get the dog and rub his face in it.  By then, he doesn’t understand. You have to catch him in the act.  I didn’t know I’d been pooping in the living room.”

I looked up from my meal to find her staring at me, chewing thoughtfully.  I said, “Bad analogy?”

She nodded.

3.  Besos and I then had a conversation about my alleged lack of sensitivity in one of my recent blog entries.  She was quite stern.  She said, “If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”  She wasn’t familiar with the ..um, the joke about rolling a girl in flour.  After I explained it to her, I watched her sit there and try to look stern but fail because she was forcing herself not to laugh.  +1 Random.

4.  Besos then mentioned an incident that happened about a year ago while she was at her brother’s place and her parents were visiting.  It seems she was in the room next to her parents and *cough* heard some things.  She had previously described said things as ‘baby talk’.  However, she elaborated on the story through shudders of disgust.

I said, “Ohhhh.  I didn’t realize your dad was going for penetration.”

I looked up at her staring at me with an open mouth, teeth bared and eyes almost squeezed shut.

“Agghhhhhh!!!!”

And then I understood why she was upset.  Because she caught me pooping in the living room and let me know it was wrong.

See, I’m really not that complicated.

I’m laughing at the confusion caused by the previous Wrong Answer Random entries.

No one is getting married anytime soon.  We (Besos and I) were teasing each other.  That’s it – no one is engaged, etc.

We just are obnoxious about teasing each other.

– Now Back to Your Original Program –

Lest you get the impression that Besos has anything less than a great sense of humor, here’s this morning’s conversation:

Besos:  Someone proposed to me this morning. You’re late to the party, honey.

RE:  Did you accept?

Besos:  Thinking about it.

RE:  Did you get a diamond ring??

Besos:  It’s in the mail.

RE:  Did someone really propose?

Besos:  Not this week.

RE: You kill me.

Besos:  I’m just teasing you, sweetheart.  I don’t want to get married.

RE:  *Blink*

Wait.

WHAT?

Then I just couldn’t stop laughing.  Because it cracks me up when she gives me a hard time.

And let’s face it.  No one could date me without a decent sense of humor.

Hell, no one could stand me if they didn’t have a sense of humor.

bah.

Tonight, I got a text message from Besos.  It said:

“I am going to marry the next person who asks me.”

*Blink*

I froze in place and wondered why I was always late to the party.  Then I snapped out of it and responded:

“HEY!”

She didn’t miss a beat.  The next text said:

“Need to check it off my list of things to do before I am thirty.”

I responded:

“You’re 35!”

Well.

Ya know,…that is the wrong response.

Wrong.

If you were wondering.