Random Esquire

After weeks of cajoling, Instigator agreed to go a guest entry.  Enjoy! -R

* * * * * * * * *   By Instigator * * * * * * * * *

I believe the genesis of almost every great friendship can be traced back to a single moment.  A pinpoint in time when you heard the ‘ding ding ding’ in your head and realized you, and your theretofore acquaintance, were going to become great friends.  So there was this new kid at work, and after a few weeks of a welcome lunch here, a watercooler chat there, I was somewhat intrigued but not certain whether this Randomesq was true work friend material.  When we were both invited to a wedding by the office know it all (Iknow!), I looked at it as a possible opportunity to get to know RE better.  Plus, my main motivation was I wanted to meet Boss.  But first I needed to find out if RE was in, so I commenced to ichat.

Me: Hey, so did “I Know” invite you to her wedding?

RE: Yeah, I did get the invitation the other day.

Me: So, uh, have to decided, are you and Boss going??

<pause>

RE: To tell you the truth, we don’t really like weddings. We are funny that way.  So I don’t think we are going to go. You?

<pause>

Me: I don’t think I’m going either. Honestly I thought it was weird she invited me.

RE: I thought it was a little weird too.

Me: Because we’re not friends.  I’ve never even had lunch with her.  Why would she want me to go to her wedding? I wouldn’t invite her to my wedding.

RE:  I thought the exact same thing.  Doesn’t she have any real friends?

Everyone is free to plan the wedding they have always dreamed of.  But personally, I would have never thought of inviting a bunch of miscellaneous coworkers that I had never so much as had coffee with to witness my marriage.  And in that moment, when I knew RE was thinking the very same thing, I believe we both realized we would be fast friends.   In hindsight, I wish we had gone.  We missed the rare opportunity to see Fresh Express in her more formal attire.  She too was invited, and attended with her sister as her date.  One can only imagine the wealth of strangeness that we would have witnessed.   As a wedding gift, Fresh Express told me she purchased a salad spinner.  Is that too perfect or what??

Instigator and I were able to enjoy the warm weather with a nice lunch outside. Later that afternoon, she came into my office and sat down in a chair opposite my desk. I looked up. She leaned over and whispered, “Guess what I just saw on her desk?” Clearly, she meant Fresh Express. I grinned. She said, “I walked over there and she has an exercise DVD on her desk!” I laughed. She said, “By the New York Ballet Company!” I laughed again.

She continued, “So, I figured, I’m going tell her that you like ballerinas, too!”

I yelled, “HEY! Oy! NO!” Instigator cackled, clearly pleased with herself.

See, this is the thing. What you don’t want – ever – is for Fresh Express to form a connection with you. Because she will take that small thing and turn it into something …uncomfortable. Like the time she was convinced that Boss and I loved fish. Or playing tennis. Or bike riding. Or when she found out that I like gadgets and she began to cut newspaper articles out for me from the newspapers at the Chicago Public Library’s Reference Section. She once gave me an article on Jet Bloat. I never figured that one out. Then, there was that one time she washed her socks in a coffee pot. She also dips her toothbrush into her a toothpaste filled contact lens case. Speaking of contacts, she wears just one corrective lens. And it is tinted. Then there were the plastic baggies on her feet. Anyway, you get my point. It’s all just bad news. And Instigator was poised to bring it all down upon me.

But there’s really nothing I can do. See, Instigator once interviewed with the CIA. She’s got some covert techniques. I’m pretty sure I might return to my office to find newspaper clippings fresh from the library about the Joffrey.

*sigh*

An early morning run to the store was in order to pick my up my proteins for tonight’s dinner. My neighbor laughed at me as I juggled a bag, a baguette and a bunch of fresh tulips and tried to unlock my front door at the same time. I whistled to myself as I put things in the my fridge and then I turned to the bunch of tulips. I looked to the bookshelf for a vase, which is where the vases normally are. Then it occurred to me – What the hell makes me think I own a vase?

I realized then, of course, that when Boss and I split, the vases went with her. I sent her a text message and said, “You didn’t leave a single vase! Mah tulips is dyin’!” I knew she’d laugh at this. She said, “I only took my vases…I can’t help it that you’re a boy!” Well, that’s true. There’s really no help for it.

So the tulips are in a Pilsner glass. Because that’s what women like to see. Flowers in a beer glass. Hey, man, improvisation is key with me.

1. The white wine/alcohol in Grey Poupon isn’t cooked out of it, is it? I wonder how much you’d have to consume to get a buzz. Surely you’d get ill first, right? This isn’t something I should try. I know this.

2. I think dogs see in only two dimensions and in black and white (is that correct?). I wonder what that’s like…to view the world like a television screen from the 1950’s. I can tell you right now that when Boss and I were together, Little Filthy was basically watching I Love Lucy non-stop. What would your dog be watching?

3. I have this fascination with sub-cultures. I want to know what kind of boots all of the construction workers want. I told this to The Ballerina and she told me what kind of toe-shoes ballerinas want. Isn’t it interesting to learn these things? Are you part of a sub-culture and if so, what’s something that you know, based upon that?

4. I wish I could rent one of those lawn-mower-motor powered single person plane things and fly around Chicago, in between the buildings. I’m pretty sure I’d kill myself by hitting a building or landing in the middle of the lake – or worse, get arrested.

5. Hm. I just went back and looked at some entries. I really, really write about some obscure, meaningless stuff sometimes. Okay, most of the time.

1. I anticipated a stressful day today and guess what? Work did not disappoint. I closed the office door, put in ear plugs and spread contracts out in front of me. I know the ear plugs are odd – but I am easily distracted and ear plugs equal instant concentration for me. At one point, I heard a knock at my door and because Kennedy had just been in my office, I thought it was him, coming back to toss more BS back and forth. I said, “Yoooooo!” as way of telling him to come in. My senior manager walked in instead, eyebrows raised.

Awesome.

2. Okay, I am just going to say this: I would not turn down Kellie Pickler. I don’t anticipate the opportunity – I’m just saying it in a moment of weakness. Extreme weakness. (Don’t mock me.)

3. I grabbed dinner and drinks after work with Boss. We were both slightly tipsy by dinner’s end.

4. My neighbor (we went out for St. Patrick’s Day) asked me to come with her as she walked her dog tonight. I went to her condo and walked in just as she came dancing down the hallway with a glass of wine in her hand, singing Spirit in the Dark: “Tell me, my brothers, my brothers, how do you feel? Do you feel like dancing? Get up there and let’s start dancing…” I couldn’t resist. I grabbed her and we danced back down the hallway. I dig that kind of uncontrolled energy.

1. When Boss and I first broke up, I was just cynical enough to declare myself single for life and was prepared to dedicate my life to being every soccer moms’ midlife crisis. Has anyone let Emma Thompson know that she can British nanny me all she wants? She’s my official soccer mom crush.

2. Took Boss out to dinner last week as we still enjoy each other’s company and good food. Two of our dishes (yes, I took the pictures):

3. Little Filthy. Contemplative.

4. Little Filthy. When he was football sized.

5. The reason Boss made me stop taking pictures of Little Filthy. (Apparently, it isn’t clear what this is a picture of…um, the dog was on his back sleeping and he has two perfectly placed nipples. Need I say more?)

I am not a clumsy person. (Boss is incredibly clumsy…in fact, I am honestly surprised when she makes it from one room to the next without tripping.) I don’t spill. I don’t knock things over. I don’t bump into things. And…up until today, I could have said that I honestly do not remember the last time I fell.

But since it was just about an hour ago, it’s pretty fresh in my memory. Here’s what happened. I was heading downstairs through the back way of my condo building. The back way, which is for pets, has…cement stairs. I glanced at my phone and saw an e-mail from SingleMomSeeking about blogging. I opened up the e-mail and started to read just as my heel missed the first step down on a flight and…down I went. I had that brief thought of, “You must be fucking kidding me. I don’t fall.” The cement stairs, they beg to differ. I reached out and grabbed the metal rail and jerked to a stop.

I lay there for a moment and then thought, “Eh, not so bad.” One leg hurt more than the other. I stood up and walked it off. Then I went back upstairs. Boss was over and I said to her, “I just pulled a you.” She said, “What?!” I pulled up my jeans and took off my shoe. Long story short, my knuckles are banged up, my knee has a hole in it and my foot looks like someone dropped a 20 pound weight on it …and everything was bleeding. Nice. Throughout it all, I kept a death-grip on my phone. That can’t be healthy.

There were flashbacks to the time I got my arm mangled in the parking gate and ended up with a hole in my arm. You know, really, it hurt, but it was somewhat exhilarating. Which must be exactly why people like Steve O get addicted to their own stupidity.

I just looked out the loft window to the balcony and thought, “I bet I could jump to that tree easily and make it down.”

Boss and I are on good terms and speak regularly. She has a date tonight. I sent her a text message and this was our exchange:

RandomEsq: “Have a fantastic time. Don’t do that weird thing you do when you chew, though.”

Boss: “What?????”

RandomEsq: “You know.”

Boss: “No?!?!”

RandomEsq: “I’m teasing. You don’t do anything funny when you chew. But seriously, don’t smell your food.”

Boss: “Duh!”

1. Tomorrow, I get to tell someone that he or she is being unreasonable. I don’t know who it will be just yet. I haven’t decided. This is just one of the many perks of my job. Perhaps I will draw the name of one of my sales people out of a hat and call and explain how totally unreasonable said sales person is. Or better yet, how completely unreasonable a Customer is and then I will say to the sales person, “I trust you can relay this message to the Customer without me.” And then I will hang up and go to lunch.

2. I have spent too much of the past week biting my tongue instead of growling and saying to someone, “Shove it up your balloon knot.” Or something along those lines. While I’m quite sure that this is building character, I am also perfectly comfortable admitting that I would rather be building muscle tissue so that I might assist in the balloon knot shoving. I know this is wrong.

3. I would like to cook a good meal with Plush. Will someone volunteer to be my commis and do the mise en place so we can just walk into the kitchen and cook like we’re doing a damn show? I don’t want to spend my time chopping things when I could be chasing her down the hall.

4. I wish to Twitter more. Please to be joining the Twitter and adding me so I can bore you stiff with up to the minute details of absolutely nothing at all. You know why? Because I am damn good at saying absolutely nothing in 160 characters or less.

5. Final demand: Sex and praise. (Truly, are they not the bread and butter of the single life?)

1. I woke up with a bit of a sore back two days ago. This is odd for me because a) I never have a sore back and b) I have one of those foam mattresses that is supposed to make you feel like you slept on a bosom. (I might add that nothing quite replicates a bosom and so women need not fear replacement by temperpedic.) I went to bed last night and hoped I wouldn’t wake again with the same problem. At some point in the middle of the night, I woke up from a deep sleep. I was sleeping on my stomach. And you know what? Little Filthy was sleeping on my back.

What the hell?

2. Today, Fresh Express stuck her head in Instigator’s office and proclaimed, “SWEET DREAMS!” Instigator was, naturally, confused by this. Turns out she was talking about an upcoming business trip for all of the attorneys. What this has to do, specifically, with the trip is still a mystery. Everything she says is related not to the thing itself but more to its …penumbra or shadow. Quite vague. Instigator leaned over the table at lunch a few times and blurted out, “Sweet dreams! What the hell does that mean?!”

3. I had dinner tonight with a beautiful woman. While there is much to say about heated moments that make your skin go tight, there is also something to be said about holding a woman’s fingers like the stems of flowers and finding her just as beautiful.