Random Esquire

I whip open the shower curtain when I’m done with my shower.  That is, if it was even closed entirely to begin with.  The cold air doesn’t bother me.  Every woman I’ve ever dated closes the bathroom door and practically platic-seals herself in the shower and when done, only reluctantly reaches a hand out enough to grope for a towel before disappearing back behind the curtain like the Wizard of Oz.  When Boss would get done with a shower, I’d walk into a room full of steam and the mirror would be weeping.  And she’d still be shivering.

2.  There was some kid on the Today show whose arm was torn off by a crocodile when he went swimming…at night.  Every time I hear one of these stories, I wonder why the person went swimming someplace where there are crocs.  It has never even occurred to me to do that.  It isn’t like you see people on the Discovery channel peacefully swimming with them like you do with some sharks.  Pretty much everyone avoids them.  They’re hard enough to spot but to go at night just seems to be asking for trouble.  Or, in this kids case, a bionic arm.

3.  I saw this ad yesterday and did a double take when I saw the feather duster peek out behind the leg of one of the mariachi band members.

Boss and I had dinner last night.  I heard the latest about her day:

1.  A kindergarten boy left the bathroom naked…except for his shirt.  In his hand?  His underwear.  Filled with poop.  Apparently, the wall had received a new paint job.

2.  Another kindergarten teacher peeked into the boys bathroom after hearing some singing and found a little boy with his pants and underwear down around his ankles as he used the urinal.  He was shaking his butt back and forth and singing with his hands up in the air.  She asked him to come see her after he was done.  She wanted to inform him that a hands-on approach might be the way to go.  He walked out of the bathroom when done to see her…with his pants and underwear still down around his ankles.

3.  The bathroom sinks have those faucets that turn on by pushing down on a round cylinder shape – I think that’s an early 1980′s style.  Anyway, they’re sometimes hard to push which is why Boss walked into the bathroom to see that a little boy had climbed on top of the sink so he could step on the nozzle for other people to wash their hands.

As for my day?  I woke up this morning to a cold nose and air on my face.  I opened an eye and saw Little Filthy demanding we go pay homage to the breakfast gods. I grabbed my phone and snapped him staring.  Monster.

1.  Yesterday, a co-worker walked into my office with a flower arrangement (Sunflowers!) that had been delivered for me.  I am quite sure I looked at her like she was crazy when she said they were for me.  I turned crimson.  Turns out, QTMama had sent them in reference to this and that.  The best part?  The card.  It said, “You are the best dude ever, my friend.”  (Here is QTMama’s take on the flower giving.)

2.  Boss called me yesterday after another harrowing day of teaching 33 kindergarteners.  THIRTY-THREE, people.  I couldn’t keep 33 adults quiet and attentive for 10 minutes let alone 33 five year olds.  She said that she told a little boy not to run in the hallway as he ran past her.  She said, “Then he ran back and punched me in the vagina!”

*Blink*

I mean, I guess that’s about the height for it, right?  I said, “Uhh…(pause)…was it an uppercut?”

She said, “YES.”

Let’s get a little Rooney Rant in here, too.

3.  Don’t ask me to dumb down your contract language so that a lay person can understand it without picking up a legal dictionary.  And don’t freakin’ call it legalese as if that’s a bad thing.  It’s a legal document.  It might have legal terms in it.   Its intended audience is attorneys.  I don’t ask doctors to dumb down their medical journals so that I can understand it without knowing any medical terms.  Don’t ask me to dumb down your contract.  BARK BARK BARK.

4.  Dude.  Don’t quote that stupid line “The first thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers” to me in some attempt to be pejorative about attorneys.  Because all that tells me is that you can read Shakespeare but that you fail to understand Shakespeare.  If you re-read Henry VI, Part II, Act IV, Scene 2 – you’ll see that Shakespeare was paying homage to attorneys and was not speaking pejoratively against them.

The person who says it (Dick the Butcher) is leading an “army of rabble” and is “a demagogue pandering to the ignorant” – and so he says his first step is to kill all the lawyers who might stand in his way of becoming a tyrant because lawyers are defenders of freedom.

So if you quote that dumb line to me, I’m going to cock punch you.

Are we all clear on that?

1. Did you know you could buy a $1,700 harmonica from Amazon? It looks like a hole punch on a diet.  Then there’s this one for $460 that looks like a 3-D asterisk.  Are you kidding me, people?  It’s a harmonica.  Like, the instrument known for being most often acquired off of dead soldiers and being carried around in a back pocket.

Ooo, why do I want a Snoopy Jaw Harp?  6 bucks, people!  SIX BUCKS.  Speaking of Snoopy, I have a Walter Mitty complex.

2.  I had dinner last night with Boss.  She told me about her first day of class.  She had a kid named Henry who refused to listen to her no matter how many times she called to/on him.  Turns out… his name is Lorenzo.  She also lost one kid and had a mild panic attack before finding him behind the bookshelf, listening to the mini search party discuss where he might be. When she told her class that electronics were not allowed and to leave their Nintendo DS at home as well as their PSP, one student said, “And guns? Guns aren’t allowed either, right?”  She teaches kindergarten.  She said, “Yes…that’s correct…no guns.”  Another kid piped up, “Or cigarettes.”

3.   Okay, look, people.  I’m a democrat.  I have a great deal of respect for what McCain did and went through while a POW in Vietnam.  I do not plan to vote for him. And his choice of Palin surprised me.

BUT.

I won’t lie.

I might do her after a few drinks.

And I mean both of us would have had to have a few drinks.  Enough so that she slurs her words so I don’t understand the rhetoric coming out of her mouth and enough so that I don’t care if her vagina is a republican or a democrat.

1.  Big thanks to LynchSeattle who provided a fix to my website issues.

2.  A certain someone I know has a roommate with questionable taste.  And by questionable taste, I mean undeniably bad taste.  Like, sweatshirts featuring wolves baying at a full moon kind of bad taste.  You get what I’m saying?  I’m talking about BEDAZZLED bad taste.  Anyway, someone questioned how well my friend knew her roommate prior to moving in together.  “Do you know her middle name? You should know her middle name!”  That struck me as a completely absurd guage on how well two people know each other.

Then I wondered if John McCain knew  Sarah Palin’s middle name.  I doubt it.  He doesn’t even know how many homes he owns.

3.  It occurred to me last night that no one has ever made me a decent cup of coffee (outside of a cafe/store).

4.  I’m buying a webcam.  I’m going to hook that puppy up and then watch to see what the hell Little Filthy does all day while I’m gone.

5.  I wish doing the laundry ended with the tossing the clothes in the dryer bit.  You know.  None of that folding and putting away BS.  Some days, I miss those laundry elves.

1.  It’s official. I may want to be LynchSeattle.  A visit to Chicago and I’m buying an SLR this morning to I can learn to take photos that come anywhere near to what he managed to capture here, during our dinner at Marche.  You want food porn? That’s it.

2.   You know the saying “Liquor before beer, never fear” and “Beer before liquor, never sicker” ?  I get that the rhyming scheme is supposed to make it easy to remember this general rule.  But what’s to keep someone from remembering it as “liquor after beer, never fear” or “beef after liquor, never sicker”?  Which seems like a bad mistake, really.  That is, if there is any truth to it.

3.  I’m struck by the number of people who use their butt to open doors, even when their hands are free.

4.  Good Grief.  I’m sitting at the computer desk which has a pull out drawer for the keyboard.  Little Filthy just jumped to put his paws on the chair to give me a toy and he clocked his head on the corner of the keyboard drawer.  He spit out the toy instantly and looked at me.  He sneezed and then walked it off.  Attaboy.

I did go rub his noggin softly for good measure.

5.  I was invited to a tasting event at a new club here in Chicago.  The restaurant specializes in raw foods – crudo, sashimi, tartare, etc.  I took Boss and we then dined around the corner at a place she likes.  We sat down and were served two drinks and before we got far with those, they had made us 3 more.   Oy.  Blynchness.  Some pictures below.

I met the Seattle peeps on Tuesday and it felt like a reunion. The real ice breaker was on that night after I went to the hotel and met up with LynchSeattle, Bev, and Avitania (who already did an awesome re-cap of the week!).  We decided to go for Chicago pizza and upon seeing the line for Gino’s East snake out the door and down the block, Avitania said, “What is this the line for?!  Head??”  I burst out laughing and that pretty much defined the humor and fun that was to come.

After stuffing ourselves on pizza, Besos met up with us and we went to Big Bar and we officially got blynched together.  My cheeks hurt from laughing so hard.

Wednesday -  After work, I met up with Bev and we went to a cocktail party which, quite honestly, stunk.  It was outside and the wind made it a bit uncomfortable.  We left early and went to the loft where Bev had her first meeting with Little Filthy and Boss.  Then off to Marche where we met with Avitania, her husband (C), LynchSeattle, Instigator, and Plush.  Lots of eating, drinking, and laughing.

Thursday -  C and LynchSeattle met me at the loft in the afternoon (while Bev and Avitania got pedicures) and we went to pick up wine for their dinner at Schwa where the four out-of-towners enjoyed the 9 course tasting, including lamb brains and sweetbreads for dessert.  Major props to Sitcom who scored the reservation.  Besos and I met up with them after dinner and went to a local pub where we sat outside and laughed so hard, my stomach hurt.   There may be footage of me singing Paradise by the Dashboard Lights.

Friday - I met up with the gang downtown in the morning and we did the Segway tour of Chicago.  LynchSeattle is like Steve Wozniak because he has a Segway in the office.  We zoomed around Chicago, snapping pictures and making bets on who would wipeout first.   Then we hit Chinatown for Vietnamese food.  The gang hit Shedd Aquarium.  We met back up at Ed Debevik’s for a rowdy dinner of burgers, malts, fries and more laughter.  The gang gave me a very, very nice wine stopper.  The server asked what it was and I told her it was an anal plug.  Only in Ed’s can you get away with this sort of thing.  Our bill came with a nice drawing of an anal plug on it.  Welcome to Chicago, people.

Saturday -  I picked up the peeps and we went to get a jump on the line at Hot Doug’s.  Yes, we were line for hot dogs at 10:30 in the morning.  I can not explain this to you except to say that just the day before, Anthony Bourdain was at this little joint eating.  It’s that good.  On the weekend, you can get french fries…made in duck fat.  Byes to C and Avitania who were catching a flight home and I dropped the peeps off downtown to get some Garrett Popcorn.  I met up with Bev and LynchSeattle at the Oprah Store (seriously) and we meandered back to the loft where we mixed drinks, ordered pizza, watched the opening ceremonies (thank you, TiVo), and talked cameras.  Chill and perfect.

Sunday -  Bev, LynchSeattle and I toured an art fair before heading to the John Hancock Observatory to enjoy the view.  The weather all week had been gorgeous and it was borderline chilly when we sat outside afterwards, eating lunch.  Then to the hotel to pick up luggage before heading to the train where we said our byes.

I can’t begin to capture just how much fun I had this past week.  The Seattle peeps are great, kind, hilarious, fun people.  Now I’ve got to get my butt up to Seattle in October and hope for warm enough weather that LynchSeattle and I can go sky-diving.  Woot!

1. Little Filthy likes to dig in any bag you happen to leave on the ground. Laptop bag? Check. Gym bag? Check. Purse? Check. The last few times Besos has been over, he’s managed to get into her bag and take out a metal tin of mints. We realized only when we heard him shaking it with his mouth, trying to open it. He’s eaten a pack of gum out of Boss’s purse, as well. Today, I heard him in the other room and Besos said, “I zipped my bag. He can’t get in it.” I wasn’t so sure. I walked back and saw Little Filthy with his head entirely inside her overnight bag. His head emerged and something dropped out of his mouth and on to the ground. I leaned over, picked it up and blinked.

It was a g-string.

I handed it to Besos. She sighed, took it from me and said, “Well, he’s definitely your dog.”

2. My buddy (the same who suggested I upgrade to first class on our ride to hell) participated in the Chicago Dragon Boat races this past weekend. (See picture example here.) Apparently, he wasn’t on the winning team. He complained about the difficulty of competing against the fire department and the police department. He said, “Those dudes are all like 6 foot 3…and I know you’re required to have six women on each team but they ought to make you have six actual Asians on a team.” Yeah. He’s Asian.

3. I am once again struck by the fact that I find the borderline offensive funny. I said something *cough* tongue-in-cheek to Boss tonight to which she responded, “You’re RIDICULOUS.” But you know what? I don’t think you’re allowed to tell me I’m horrible if you’re laughing when you say it. In fact, I’m pretty sure that just encourages me.

4. Take a look at that handsome devil! Chip off the old block, that g-string stealin’ little monster.

1. I said something remarkably stupid to Besos. Here’s the thing…sometimes I forget that she’s Mexican. I realize that sounds stupid. But I forget. (Hey, pretty women do this to me…) Until at one point last weekend, I looked at her and sort of did a double take. She said, “What?” I said, “Sometimes I forget that you’re Mexican.” I could sense her resisting the urge to groan or roll her eyes. She said, “What?!” I said, “I forget and then I look at you and you look distinctly Mexican and then I realize that it’s like…it’s like I’m dating Maria from Sesame Street.”

I know. I know.

I’m an idiot.

2. Do extra-large eggs come from extra-large chickens? Or does the same size chicken lay different sizes of eggs, which are sorted later?

3. This morning, on the news, a reporter said, “Three masked men banged on the front door and burst in…and that’s when things turned bad.” I don’t know. I think the turn happened a little earlier, myself.

4. Emma Thompson is out. I have a new soccer mom crush. It’s Natalie Morales from The Today Show.

(more…)

1. I wonder what my life would like if I had gone to Juilliard for music. No one asked me. I’m just wondering.

[See comments for clarification on that one, to and from SnarkyRunner]

2. I really have a distaste for watching someone pull on a pair of worn-before socks. Especially if they study the socks for toe-shapes to see if it goes on the left or right foot. Disturbing. Not as disturbing, however, as someone wearing only socks. I really can’t think of a good excuse for that.

3. Boss and I went to a (private) tasting last night. We tried 5 appetizers, 9 entrees and 4 desserts..for just the two of us. It was insane but a good opportunity to try a lot of different things. We had to be rolled out. I admit, it was sort of fun to see people watching and wondering why were had so much food coming out or why I was scribbling notes down the whole time.

4. If you could be fluent in five languages, what would they be?

5. I turned in an expense report about 6 weeks ago. I asked Fresh Express for a status and she looked at me blankly. I then remembered that I was supposed to get a new keyboard a few months ago. You know, I’m not sure what she does other than play in the water fountains all day.