2. I’m going to write a book called “You’re so vain, you probably think my Facebook status is about you.” Maybe. Or maybe I will call it “You’re so vain, you probably think this FAP FAP FAP is about you.”

3. I cleaned behind my fridge for the first time in years. I found something that belonged to Boss – it was candy. It somehow made me remember one time when I had done something that had upset her. I drove 200 miles and stood outside her place, which I think was on the 7th floor, called her and told her to look out the window where I was holding a huge posterboard sign that said, “I’m sorry.”

4. Christmas is almost here. Someone is excited.

2.  Little Filthy got a bath.  This has endeared him to me.  Enough that I sent a text message to his mom, Boss, who is currently in Florida with family:

RE: When you comin’ back?

Boss: In a day or two.

RE: Hurry!

Boss: Why for?

RE: Cause the dog is cute right now, how he’s sleeping.

Boss: Ok.  Don’t let him move.  For 48 hours.

RE: He won’t.  I glued him.

3.  My Neighbor was over for a bit yesterday.  She brought Barnabas, her pug, over.  Little Filthy promptly showed him how to remove kleenex from the box.  Neighbor and I gaped as Barnabas delicately tried to pull a kleenex from the box.  She said to me, “You realize who you’re raising?”  I turned to her and said, “Uh oh. Who?”

She said, “Alvin.  You’re raising Alvin.  And my dog is just one of those innocent other chipmunks.”

I said, “Oh, like Simon?”

She sighed and said, “I’m afraid Barnabas is more like…Theodore.”

We’re raising monsters.

Fox and Hound

Well,

I forgot.

I didn’t forget about the event – something came up and I couldn’t attend.

I just forgot to tell that to Boss.  Which is really not like me and is entirely like her.

This morning, I got a text message from her that said, “Wait…was last night the party with [Friend 1] and [Friend 2]??”

*flinch* D’oh!

I responded, “Yes. You wore a cute dress.”

She said, “Did I have a good time?”

I responded, “Yes, but you got sloppy drunk. Figures!”

She said, “That’s why I don’t remember!”

Thank God she’s got a decent sense of humor.

2.  The other day, I said to Besos, “You’re not very…” and then I paused because I meant to say, “stereotypically Mexican” but what actually came out of my mouth was, “Mexicany.”

She sat back and looked at me.  “In what way?”

And I said, “Well… I don’t mean it like ..you don’t drive a truck with a refrigerator in the back. I mean it like…” and that is when I realized that what I should have said was, “I don’t know.”

3.  Boss has begun a new school year.  She said her favorite little boy came into the classroom last week and said, “Whew! It’s hotter than fuck out there!”

*Blink*

Ayup.  Other things heard in her classroom:  “Girl, you need to stop showing your panties!” and “He said he doesn’t want to be my friend because I act like a girl and that I’m gay.”

Welcome to kindergarten in the Chicago Public School system.

4.  I bribed Besos over the other evening by promising to give her ice cream.  I had to go to the store to get some because I don’t eat ice cream.  I like ice cream; I just never think to eat it.  But now I own a pint of mint chip minus one Besos portion.  I figure there’s enough in there to get me lucky at least two more times.

2.  Boss called me yesterday and invited me to brunch.  Then she insisted on paying for it. For the first time.  In about 7 years.  I am…how do you say it…pleasantly suspicious.

3.  I reached for a Kleenex this evening and paused when I noticed something odd.  The Kleenex peeking out of the box had small little pinched looking places in a few different spots.  I did not think much of it until later when I saw Little Filthy, front paws on the coffee table, delicately trying to pull a tissue from the box with his front teeth.  Marvelous.

4.  I need to cut down on caffeine.

5.  Looking forward to a fantastic dinner out on Wednesday and I hope to take some pictures to share.  It’s been a while since I’ve done that.

2.  Boss came to visit Little Filthy last week.  It occurs to me that there was no real discussion on who the monster would stay with when we split.  Nevertheless, I like to think he chose me in a courtroom setting by coming to me instead of Boss when we called to him.  But this is ridiculous because the dog doesn’t come to anyone when called unless your breath smells like peanut butter or dog treats.

3.  While at the dog park, I’ve taken to filling my pockets with miniature sized training treats.  Little Filthy knows I have them so if I call to him, he will generally at least pretend to obey by looking at me.  The unfortunate side effect of this habit is that I then have an eau de treat scent about me.  This means that I usually have no less than two other dogs following me around, trying to stick their nose in my crotch or pocket.

It’s a conversation starter, anyway.

4.  Have I ever mentioned that I tried to return Little Filthy the morning after we got him?  I woke early and was petting him when I saw a flea.  I’d never seen one before and, apparently, thought dogs only had fleas in theory.  I woke up Boss and, holding out the 2.5 lb monster in the palm of my hand (SEE RIGHT), announced that I was going to return him and demand my money back because he was defective.  I realize now that I was just hitting the responsibility panic button.  Dunno what I’d do if I had a kid.  Oh wait, yes, I do.  See, if you want to return a kid, the fire department is like that store that takes back everything without a receipt.  You just go leave it on the steps.  But if history is any indication, I’d keep the kid and spoil him rotten until he only answered if I waved a twenty dollar bill at him.

5.  My parents watched Little Filthy while I was out of town this weekend.  He loves to visit.   Afterward, however, my mother informed me that Little Filthy looked right at her, lifted his leg defiantly, and peed on her rug.  She was, however, laughing when she told me this.

It’s a love-hate relationship.  For both of them.

Besos:  “I sometimes want to kick Boss.”

RE:  *silence*

Besos:  “I know that I am your first serious relationship since that one…Sometimes, I wish I was the second.”

RE:  “Should I go date someone else?”

Besos:  “No! It’s too late.”

RE:  “Are you sure?  We’ll just date for a couple of months.  Then I’ll come back.”

Besos:  “Then I’ll do the same thing.  I’ll date someone else for a few months.”

RE:  “Ok.”

*pause*

“But you can’t sleep with them.”

Besos:  “WHAT?  What’s the point of that?”

Yes, we seriously have ridiculous conversations like this one.

Afterwards, she came inside and I reminded Little Filthy that she was his deadbeat mother.  He, in true kid fashion, did not care and simply rejoiced at seeing her.  He showed her all of his new toys.

More after the cut.

She casually mentioned that she had not met Besos yet.  I eyeballed her.  Now, I’ve met the person she is dating.  And hate is not a strong enough word.  The relationship is so completely without any respect for one another.  In fact, a large part of our recent distance had to do with my general intolerance for her relationship and the realization that I could no longer be the person to whom she reached to for support.  Plus, I suppose it didn’t help that I could not help uttering comments between gritted teeth which is really rather ridiculous of me and, I suppose, rather tiresome to her.  (This reminds me of another someone Boss dated after we split – who I nicknamed Therapist due to a complete inability to understand the meaning of the word ‘no’.  Boss, despite herself, was thoroughly amused at this nickname.)

I fully admit now that my gritted teeth comments were from the most atavistic part of me.  The part of me that wanted to compete against someone for a prize I did not even want.  I think it’s just human nature.  For instance, I once mocked a tube of chapstick she’d been given and she defended it by saying that it was a very thoughtful gift because it was banana flavored and she liked bananas.  We later briefly discussed the diamond ring she would have received were it not for our break-up.  I kindly suggested that perhaps her current, smaller-incomed beau would buy her a nice diamond chip and she could show it to all of her girlfriends and say, “Look at my thoughtful diamond.”  I followed this up by saying, “Because that is what all girls dream about…a thoughtful diamond.”

I realize that all of this was ridiculous but she laughed because if there is one thing that Boss enjoys…it is being spoiled and she knows it. Plus, in general, assholery can be sort of funny when it is more imagined than substantive.

But now, months and months after those conversations, as we sat on the couch last night and talked, I was happy to not care enough to grit my teeth.  Not care enough to make comments or feel I should protect her.  That was nice.  Until she grabbed Little Filthy’s toys and played with him until he shot around the condo like a pug out of hell and began to bounce off the walls – all of this promptly before she left.  I told her that was she less a mother to him and more a grandparent who hops the grandkid up on sugar and playtime and then leaves the parents with a hyper kid while she goes home.

After she left, I collapsed on the bed and closed my eyes.  I felt Little Filthy jump on the bed and then felt him lick my nose and cheek.  I woke up this morning to find his nose about two inches from mine, a split second before he jumped straight up and landed on top of me, demanding breakfast.  Another day in the life.  I dig it.

Like…sometimes, when Besos and I are kissing, she puts her hand on my chest and sort of presses me back and it’s almost like she’s pushing me away but I know she isn’t.  But I sort of like it.  Of course, if someone truly pushed me away, that’d be a horrible feeling and I wouldn’t enjoy it.  But for some reason, because I know she isn’t really doing it, the playfulness of it is appealing.

Another thing that comes to mind…the other day, Besos and I were laughing about something and I grinned and said that I liked feeling like I was getting away with something.  Now, in reality, that feeling doesn’t appeal to me because I would just feel guilty but when it’s playful and not at all deceitful…I sort of dig it.

I told this to QTMama.  She chalked it up as a ‘guy thing’.  Is it?  Boss and I went to dinner tonight and I asked her and she rolled her eyes at me and said I was easy.  I just asked Besos if I was easy.  She said, “Easy to please, in that sense. If you get the attention you want…you’re happy. It’s simple…”

I AM NOT AN ANIMAL.