Random Esquire

1. I have the song “You picked a fine time to leave me, Lucille” in my head. Except, I keep saying, “You picked a fine time to leave me, loose wheel” because of some goofy joke I heard as a child.

2. I’m going to write a book called “You’re so vain, you probably think my Facebook status is about you.” Maybe. Or maybe I will call it “You’re so vain, you probably think this FAP FAP FAP is about you.”

3. I cleaned behind my fridge for the first time in years. I found something that belonged to Boss – it was candy. It somehow made me remember one time when I had done something that had upset her. I drove 200 miles and stood outside her place, which I think was on the 7th floor, called her and told her to look out the window where I was holding a huge posterboard sign that said, “I’m sorry.”

4. Christmas is almost here. Someone is excited.

1.  I watched The Sound of Music last night with a friend.  What a scandalous movie, really.  He stole a nun and then took her on a month long honeymoon.  I mean, I get that she’s got a lot to discover… but a month?  They’ve pretty much guaranteed themselves additional brood.  And at one point, Uncle Max called the children a bunch of “gloomy pussies.”  I bet they re-write that line in modern productions.  It got better when it went all Indiana Jones at the end and the Nazis got their comeuppance. Then I realized that if this whole thing happened in the present, it’d be a reality show.  Nun mom trying to deal with 7 step children… while pregnant.

2.  Little Filthy got a bath.  This has endeared him to me.  Enough that I sent a text message to his mom, Boss, who is currently in Florida with family:

RE: When you comin’ back?

Boss: In a day or two.

RE: Hurry!

Boss: Why for?

RE: Cause the dog is cute right now, how he’s sleeping.

Boss: Ok.  Don’t let him move.  For 48 hours.

RE: He won’t.  I glued him.

3.  My Neighbor was over for a bit yesterday.  She brought Barnabas, her pug, over.  Little Filthy promptly showed him how to remove kleenex from the box.  Neighbor and I gaped as Barnabas delicately tried to pull a kleenex from the box.  She said to me, “You realize who you’re raising?”  I turned to her and said, “Uh oh. Who?”

She said, “Alvin.  You’re raising Alvin.  And my dog is just one of those innocent other chipmunks.”

I said, “Oh, like Simon?”

She sighed and said, “I’m afraid Barnabas is more like…Theodore.”

We’re raising monsters.

Fox and Hound

Last week, I received an invitation to an event that sounded really interesting.  I invited Boss because we had mutual friends who were going to be there from out of town.

Well,

I forgot.

I didn’t forget about the event – something came up and I couldn’t attend.

I just forgot to tell that to Boss.  Which is really not like me and is entirely like her.

This morning, I got a text message from her that said, “Wait…was last night the party with [Friend 1] and [Friend 2]??”

*flinch* D’oh!

I responded, “Yes. You wore a cute dress.”

She said, “Did I have a good time?”

I responded, “Yes, but you got sloppy drunk. Figures!”

She said, “That’s why I don’t remember!”

Thank God she’s got a decent sense of humor.

1. QTMama wrote a poem about me.  I dig it.

2.  The other day, I said to Besos, “You’re not very…” and then I paused because I meant to say, “stereotypically Mexican” but what actually came out of my mouth was, “Mexicany.”

She sat back and looked at me.  “In what way?”

And I said, “Well… I don’t mean it like ..you don’t drive a truck with a refrigerator in the back. I mean it like…” and that is when I realized that what I should have said was, “I don’t know.”

3.  Boss has begun a new school year.  She said her favorite little boy came into the classroom last week and said, “Whew! It’s hotter than fuck out there!”

*Blink*

Ayup.  Other things heard in her classroom:  “Girl, you need to stop showing your panties!” and “He said he doesn’t want to be my friend because I act like a girl and that I’m gay.”

Welcome to kindergarten in the Chicago Public School system.

4.  I bribed Besos over the other evening by promising to give her ice cream.  I had to go to the store to get some because I don’t eat ice cream.  I like ice cream; I just never think to eat it.  But now I own a pint of mint chip minus one Besos portion.  I figure there’s enough in there to get me lucky at least two more times.

1.  I caught Andy Rooney on 60 minutes today.  He was talking about kitchen gadgets and he held up a device used to remove stems from strawberries.  It was a small hinged pair of rusty metal tongs which he held between two fingers with fingernails that looked like they’d be equally effective.  It looked like a torture device.  I wouldn’t normally recommend a manicure for a guy but I might suggest a buzz saw and a sander for those claws Andy calls his fingernails.

2.  Boss called me yesterday and invited me to brunch.  Then she insisted on paying for it. For the first time.  In about 7 years.  I am…how do you say it…pleasantly suspicious.

3.  I reached for a Kleenex this evening and paused when I noticed something odd.  The Kleenex peeking out of the box had small little pinched looking places in a few different spots.  I did not think much of it until later when I saw Little Filthy, front paws on the coffee table, delicately trying to pull a tissue from the box with his front teeth.  Marvelous.

4.  I need to cut down on caffeine.

5.  Looking forward to a fantastic dinner out on Wednesday and I hope to take some pictures to share.  It’s been a while since I’ve done that.

1.  Some people are so grumpy when they wake up.

2.  Boss came to visit Little Filthy last week.  It occurs to me that there was no real discussion on who the monster would stay with when we split.  Nevertheless, I like to think he chose me in a courtroom setting by coming to me instead of Boss when we called to him.  But this is ridiculous because the dog doesn’t come to anyone when called unless your breath smells like peanut butter or dog treats.

(more…)

I used to pride myself on not having much relationship baggage but after my break-up with Boss…well, let’s just say I’d be paying to check a bag.  What form does it take?  I believe that I gave so much to that relationship that, once over, I began to relish living alone and thinking of myself.  In fact, my dream home is actually a duplex with a hamster tube running between each side.  Anyway, this new love for all things autonomous has, unfortunately, resulted in…well, I can be a little set in my ways.  Besos delicately brought this to my attention over the weekend. Here’s how this went down.

Besos:  “I sometimes want to kick Boss.”

RE:  *silence*

Besos:  “I know that I am your first serious relationship since that one…Sometimes, I wish I was the second.”

RE:  “Should I go date someone else?”

Besos:  “No! It’s too late.”

RE:  “Are you sure?  We’ll just date for a couple of months.  Then I’ll come back.”

Besos:  “Then I’ll do the same thing.  I’ll date someone else for a few months.”

RE:  “Ok.”

*pause*

“But you can’t sleep with them.”

Besos:  “WHAT?  What’s the point of that?”

Yes, we seriously have ridiculous conversations like this one.

Little Filthy saw his mother last night.  Boss and I went to dinner; it was the first time I’d seen her in months.  One thing hadn’t changed.  She still gets the menu without prices and slides the bill to me when it arrives.

Afterwards, she came inside and I reminded Little Filthy that she was his deadbeat mother.  He, in true kid fashion, did not care and simply rejoiced at seeing her.  He showed her all of his new toys.

More after the cut. (more…)

Sometimes I enjoy the impression of a feeling more than the feeling itself.  In fact, sometimes the feeling itself would be sort of horrible but the impression of the feeling is sort of awesome.  I’m not sure that makes sense without an example.

Like…sometimes, when Besos and I are kissing, she puts her hand on my chest and sort of presses me back and it’s almost like she’s pushing me away but I know she isn’t.  But I sort of like it.  Of course, if someone truly pushed me away, that’d be a horrible feeling and I wouldn’t enjoy it.  But for some reason, because I know she isn’t really doing it, the playfulness of it is appealing.

Another thing that comes to mind…the other day, Besos and I were laughing about something and I grinned and said that I liked feeling like I was getting away with something.  Now, in reality, that feeling doesn’t appeal to me because I would just feel guilty but when it’s playful and not at all deceitful…I sort of dig it.

I told this to QTMama.  She chalked it up as a ‘guy thing’.  Is it?  Boss and I went to dinner tonight and I asked her and she rolled her eyes at me and said I was easy.  I just asked Besos if I was easy.  She said, “Easy to please, in that sense. If you get the attention you want…you’re happy. It’s simple…”

I AM NOT AN ANIMAL.