Random Esquire

1.  It’s been a nice weekend.  Besos and I had a very nice dinner of French food with another couple on Saturday night.  And we woke up this morning to a beautiful day in Chicago.  Within moments of waking, we decided to walk to a nearby breakfast restaurant and eat outside.   Here’s Little Filthy under the table hoping his sad faces will convince another diner to give him something to eat.

2.  I sent Besos a text message tonight to let her know that CMC wanted to know what color lipstick she is wearing in her pictures here and here.   Then I asked her what I should write about tonight.  Here is how that conversation went:

RE:  What should I write about today?
Besos:  I don’t know. What has happened?
RE:  I molested you.
Besos:  Yeah, yeah, but that’s not news, especially in QT’s blog!!!!!!!!! Don’t think I did not notice!

Oops.  Okay, so, I may have said something in the comments here.

RE:  I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Besos:  Poking my colita!
Besos:  I am over chocolate.
Besos:  Ok, so brand is Estee Lauder, the color is 732 Darling Diva.  Heh, that’s the name.
RE:  No more coffee for you at breakfast.  How about I just blog this conversation? Okay? Okay!
Besos:  Hey! What part?
RE:  You know.  Molest, colita, lipstick, chocolate, and coffee.  Just the standard stuff.

*pause*

RE:  You love me.

Besos:  Yeah, but that doesn’t mean you’re not rotten.

3.  I suspect that Little Filthy may have licked my sandwich tonight.

A friend, upon hearing this news, said, “Five second rule!”

Which really makes you have to wonder how liberally people apply this rule.

And the answer to your question is yes.  Yes, I did.

1. QTMama wrote a poem about me.  I dig it.

2.  The other day, I said to Besos, “You’re not very…” and then I paused because I meant to say, “stereotypically Mexican” but what actually came out of my mouth was, “Mexicany.”

She sat back and looked at me.  “In what way?”

And I said, “Well… I don’t mean it like ..you don’t drive a truck with a refrigerator in the back. I mean it like…” and that is when I realized that what I should have said was, “I don’t know.”

3.  Boss has begun a new school year.  She said her favorite little boy came into the classroom last week and said, “Whew! It’s hotter than fuck out there!”

*Blink*

Ayup.  Other things heard in her classroom:  “Girl, you need to stop showing your panties!” and “He said he doesn’t want to be my friend because I act like a girl and that I’m gay.”

Welcome to kindergarten in the Chicago Public School system.

4.  I bribed Besos over the other evening by promising to give her ice cream.  I had to go to the store to get some because I don’t eat ice cream.  I like ice cream; I just never think to eat it.  But now I own a pint of mint chip minus one Besos portion.  I figure there’s enough in there to get me lucky at least two more times.

Besos and I sat by the river, watching the boats go by.

1.  Besos and I went to a French restaurant along Michigan avenue on Saturday night.  Shortly after we’d been seated, she said, “I am glad that you are sitting on that side and that I am sitting on this side.”  I asked why and she said softly, “Because the woman who just sat down behind you, facing me, is wearing a bra that does this, ” and she made an upward motion with her hands, “and this,” and she made a, er…pressing together motion.  She said, “I’m distracted.”

I casually glanced behind me as if to look for our server.  Not only was her bra working a double shift, her top apparently decided to take half the day off.  I grinned and turned back to Besos.

She shook her head and rolled her eyes.

2.  Little Filthy and I are spending too much time together.   I concluded this when I noticed something today.  As you may know, Little Filthy is box trained so, while he goes outside regularly, he is also trained like a cat and can opt for his box.  We were seated on the couch together this morning when I got up to use the restroom.  He got up as well and went to his box.  And we met back on the couch.

I looked at him and he looked back at me.  And that’s when I decided that we’d been spending too much time together.

Little Filthy woke me up this morning, insisting upon breakfast. After he was fed and watered, I decided to let him in to the bedroom, where Besos was sleeping soundly. Immediately after eating, Little Filthy likes to make obnoxious growly noises while jumping around like a gazelle on the bed. After about 10 minutes, he falls back asleep but he acts like Wild Kingdom, first. He jumped up on to the bed, toy in mouth, and proceeded to pounce on Besos, making a racket. I think his crazy behavior is hilarious so I crawled back into bed to enjoy, stifling a laugh. Besos groaned, eyes clenched shut, and silently reach out her hand from below the covers, found Little Filthy and gave him a pat on the head. Then she reached across the bed toward me, feeling around. She found my head with her hand…and then gave it a solid push.

heh.

You may have noticed that my blog partner in crime, QTMama, wrote an entry on what she finds sexy in a man.  I would like to venture forth a list on what I find sexy in a woman.  First though, let’s take a moment to make fun of two things on QT’s list.

Let’s distinguish between things that are sexy and things that are just…SYSBD (shit you should be doing).  I think this falls into the SYSBD category:  “Doing what he says he’s going to do.”  You know why?  Because you said you were going to do it.  It isn’t like some mysterious, unspoken expectation that you have to mindread to fulfill.  You said you were going to do it – so do it.  This only relates to sex in so far as failing to do SYSBD means you might not get any.

Next up:  “A man that cares about kissing as much as he does sex.”  Bwah ha ha ha ha ha!  *cough cough cough* Bwah ah aha ha!  Like I said to QT:  You know why a guy would tell you that he cares as much about kissing as he does about sex?  So he could have sex with you. I translate this into meaning that foreplay makes a woman feel sexy and making out is a key part of that.  Yours truly learned that already, courtesy of Besos.

Enough of that – on to the (only slightly tongue-in-cheek) list – including one that has been a big point of discussion between me and Besos.

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I am learning Latina.  I have to.  Because I am living la vida latina and it is very difficult if you do not speak or understand the language.

Here is Latina Language Lesson #1.

I called Ms. Thang this morning and woke her up.  First, let me defend myself.  I like to wake her up.  Okay, so it isn’t much of a defense but there you have it.  I woke her up and asked what she was doing today and suggested she come over and why not bring her laundry and get it done over here?  She said no, she was feelin’ like she was in a funk.

A couple of hours later, I suggested (via text) she get out (fresh air and what not) and that that might help her feel more chipper.  She said no, she couldn’t, she was stuck there doing laundry.  Then she said she woke up groggy and was not quite sure of her day plans when we spoke.   She then called me and said she missed me.  We chatted and then hung up.

About 20 minutes later, I translated her phone call and called her back.  I said, “I’ve translated your phone call.”  She asked what the heck I was talking about.  I said, “You said you missed me and and that you were stuck doing laundry and that you were groggy this morning.  That all translated into: I changed my mind, can I come over?”

She paused for a moment and then said, “That’s an accurate translation.”

She’s on her way over now.

I told a friend about this.  He said, “That’s not Latina.  That’s Woman.  You’re learning to speak Woman.  Good job!”

RANDOM FTW!

1.  Besos informed me that she used to have a dog as a child.

Named Cindy.

She said it had been kidnapped.  (I think she meant dognapped.)  I asked what happened.

She said they opened the door, it went out and never returned.

*Blink*

I informed her that her dog had run away.

I’m not here to gloss over the truth, people.

2.  Her story reminded me of something that a former co-worker told me.  I mentioned something about the ‘turn and cough’ routine that guys go through at the doctor’s office and she said something about being checked for hernias, too.  I paused and said, “What are you talking about?”  And then she mentioned how her entire volleyball team would, one by one, go behind a curtain and their coach would check them for a hernia.   She made a hand motion and mimicked coughing.

*Blink*

I informed her that she had, in fact, been molested.

3.  And that reminds me of my college days.  I went into Chicago with a bunch of friends (none of whom were familiar with Chicago).  We were drunk and they all wanted their picture taken in front of the Sears tower.  It was 2 a.m. and I was tired.  But I said I’d take them.  They all stood by the building and  I snapped pictures with their cameras.  They drunkenly thanked me.

Until they got their pictures developed and learned that I’d taken them to the John Hancock building instead.

Dude.  It was cold outside.

1.  I asked Besos if it was possible that she absorbed a twin while in the womb and if she now has the power of two Latinas instead of the normal one.

2.  QTMama said this to me today:  “While you have your weird shit and your space issues and you don’t share well and sometimes you’re an ass, you are, by far, the most LOYAL person I’ve ever met.  Whether it be in a friendship or your relationship.”

*Blink*

There’s a compliment in there.  If you dig deep enough.

3.  I don’t have a three.  I feel beat up.  And I noticed a gray hair.

heeellp.

1.  Ribs are delicious.  But it is gross to watch people gnaw on an animal’s ribcage.  Nature’s protection of internal organs.  It’s a little wrong, right?  I mean, deliciously wrong.  But wrong, right?

2.  Tonight, Besos sent me a text message that said:  “I have sex in the brain.  Your fault.”

I laughed.  I’m pretty sure she meant on the brain.  Because I can tell you, I have not been gettin’ all up in her brain.

3.  Have I ever mentioned that I broke Little Filthy’s tail?  Yes.  He was a puppy and I reached out for his tail, grabbed it and it just…broke.  It sort of popped about an inch from the tip…and now it has a bend in it.  It is already in a curly Q that rests on his back like a little piggy but it has a little extra kink in it.   He didn’t (and doesn’t) seem to care (or even know) but every so often, when I see it, I feel the need to apologize to him.

4.  I have a stiff neck.  I think it may be related to how I slept.  I slept on my side and woke up to find that Little Filthy was behind me, spread across a pillow with his head on my neck.  So, you know, don’t sleep with a dog’s head on your neck.

5.  I am….a jerk.  Not really, but sort of.  I notoriously dragged my feet leaving ‘bachelorland’, I work in the evenings sometimes and I have a few other social activities/commitments that sometimes leave me wondering where my time went.  All of this means that Besos is the most patient, understanding, and wonderful woman to put up with me.

Lately, she’s been watching Kitchen Nightmares. She is addicted.  I sent her a text message a little bit ago and asked if she was asleep.  She responded, “Nope.  Watching Ramsey.  He is a jerk and I love it.”

I said, “Is that why you date me?”

She said, “Nah.  I use you for sex.”

See?  Perfect.

Contemplative Besos

vs.

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