Ambien is Bullshit.
Lemme tell you what’s bullshit: Ambien.
I sometimes have trouble sleeping. I just… don’t have the urge to sleep until the wee morning hours and then, I sleep fitfully. Not all the time, mind you. The last three nights, I’ve had a solid 8 hours of sleep without any problem. But sometimes, it just doesn’t seem to be clicking. When that most recently happened, I decided to take Ambien.
I had some great warnings on Twitter.
“I once Ambien-sleep-walked.”
“I Ambien-sleep-ate!”
My personal favorite: “I Ambien-joined Match.com.”
But what surprised me the most were the dire warnings “not to fight it.” I was told to turn off the lights and rest in bed.
“Don’t fight it! Go to bed!”
“If you fight it, bad things happen.”
I don’t get this. I mean, what’s the point of a goddamn sleeping pill if it doesn’t knock me on my ass? If I was willing to just go to bed and rest there, I wouldn’t need this pill. Capiche? I want to be made sleepy. I want to want to go to bed. I want to be as sleepy as I remember being in church when I was a teenager. You know. Church Sleepy. God, seriously, was there ever a more sleepy sleepy than Church Sleepy?? Christ, if I could go to church right now, I’d sleep like the dead.
But seriously, some things aren’t worth selling your soul for.
I digress.
I complained to Instigator that I feel that a drug is sort of bullshit if I can just beat it with my mind. I mean, if all it takes to defeat Ambien is simply not wanting to go to sleep, how great a drug can it be? She politely informed me that not resting after taking Ambien is like taking aspirin for a headache and then banging your head against the wall and still expecting the aspirin to work. You have to help the drug work.
I told her that I want to be knocked on my ass and put down for a nap like I’ve had it coming. I want to be passed out asleep against my will. I want this shit to be magic.
She said, “Oh. What you want is Propofol.”
YES.
Is that jackass Conrad Murray in jail or is he still for hire?
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Just a random attorney writing about daily life with Little Filthy, my rotten dog.
November 3rd, 2011 at 1:51 am
I like the movie “The Piano”. I wanted my husband to watch it so I could talk to him about it. He fell asleep after about 10 minutes. He did this three different times. Shall I send you my copy of The Piano? No prescription needed.
November 3rd, 2011 at 5:41 am
Ha! Yeah, Ambien is nutty like that. During a bout of insomnia, I took it, (mistakenly) thinking that I’d suddenly be crazy tired and able to just go to bed at *that* time… But, no. I continued to work at my computer…only to have all the photos around me turn into mini movie screens. Dude. My inanimate photos came to life before my eyes like the damn portraits at the Haunted Mansion at Walt Disney World. I panicked a bit…snatching a few up and holding them up to my face, TELLING myself, “this is not *really* happening…
Ambien = Hallucinations = Paranoia & increased difficulty falling asleep.
It wasn’t until the following day, when sharing my experience, that I was informed, “you’re supposed to take it then GET IN BED.” :/
November 3rd, 2011 at 9:10 am
Benadryl?
November 3rd, 2011 at 12:26 pm
I literally laughed out loud with “I Ambien-joined Match.com.”
With 2 teenagers in the house now, I don’t see me sleeping until the year 2017.
November 3rd, 2011 at 2:14 pm
I’ve never taken Ambien, but I’ve also heard the crazy stories. One of my good friends has to hide her credit cards when she takes it. She’s an Ambien Internet shopper. So funny.
I laughed out LOUD at the “church sleepy” comment. I was a minister’s kid (we are the worst) and I spent the first 16 years of my life being “church sleepy” every Sunday. My mom used to get sooo pissed when I’d doze off in the middle of my dad’s sermon. heh
November 3rd, 2011 at 3:55 pm
This blog IS MAGIC.
November 3rd, 2011 at 9:53 pm
Ha! I love the Ambien, but it’s true, it’s when you “fight it” that shit like sleepwalking, eating, shopping, match.com-ing happens. Injectable Phenergan would probably knock you on your ass….can you give yourself a shot? Should I send some?
November 4th, 2011 at 10:03 pm
Ha! Pinched an Ambien from the bear. Two weeks later a package arrived from Thailand containing lovely jewelry purchased from an artist on Etsy. Nice to know I have good taste even while sleep-shopping.
November 9th, 2011 at 10:27 am
lol just take ambien and lay down in bed and listen to some music… you will fall asleep. its not like you have to power walk while waiting for it to kick in!
I take it every night and if I am cleaning or something it takes a while to kick in. Just lay down it will do it’s job.
January 18th, 2012 at 11:05 pm
So, I’m pretty late to this party…..
But anyway. Ambien doesn’t make you sleepy, it makes your brain forget that you are not sleepy. Yes you have to get into bed for it to work. Where else would you want to pass out?
If you want to be knocked the F out, you need halcyon. It’s what they give you after Lasik so you can sleep for 8 hours after your 9AM surgery. It’s so strong and quick they tell you to get into bed before you take it. (I didn’t, and fell asleep leaning over my kitchen counter while attempting to make tea.)