Random Esquire

1.  Whenever a male chef describes food as ‘sexy’, I can’t help but wonder if he’s ever seen a woman.

2.  I’m grumpy.  I don’t like the word crabby.  It’s too… something.

3.  QTMama and I are negotiating a blog marriage.  Except she thinks that it still requires a ring and a proposal from me.  I think, at best, it may warrant a slap on the ass.

My ass, that is.

4.  I feel the need to buy something. I’m not sure what, exactly. But I’d like some new gadget.  I’m getting a Droid 2 for work so I hope that scratches the itch.  Otherwise, I may need a new car.  We’ll see.

5.  Besos has me on a budget.

It began with a delicate conversation in which she asked me what the bloody hell I was doing with my paycheck, over half of which I was, apparently, spending on …something.  Hell if I know.  After my student loans were paid off, I took a 6 month hiatus from giving a damn.

Frankly, I might make it a life philosophy.

I am allergic to cantaloupe.  It makes my tongue and throat swell.

Just now, I brought a bowl of cantaloupe to Besos.  Now, it smelled good.  And so I decided, what the hell, I’ll try some because it’s been years since I gave it a go.  I said, “I’m going to have a piece.”

Besos said, without even bothering to lift her eyes from her laptop, “Don’t.”

So I put a piece in my mouth.  It was really good.

So I put a second piece in my mouth.

And that is when my tongue began to tingle.

I said, “Hon, don’t let me at that bowl of cantaloupe because my tongue is already starting to tingle.”

She said – still not bothering to look up – “If your eyes begin to bulge out of your head, I’m going to first say I told you so and then I’ll take you to the hospital.”

She has priorities.

I have joked that some people could be summed up in one short phrase.

For instance, I had a friend who was a complete know it all and I thought his phrase should be: “A little knowledge is a dangerous thing.”

Then there is Avitania who manages to say the most offensive thing you’ve ever heard.  Every time you see her.  Her phrase would be: “One step too far.  One step too far.”

QTMama’s phrase? “One for the road!”

Then there is my buddy:  “I know a guy.”

Little Filthy’s phrase would be, “I’d eat that.”

The other night, in bed, I asked Besos, “What would my phrase be?”

She thought for a while and said, “Sit on my dick?”

I froze in place and then turned my head toward her, trying to figure out what the hell was going on.

Then, I realized.

The other day, I was talking about some situation and I used the phrase ‘get off my dick‘.  (I was not using the phrase toward Besos but rather describing a situation.)  I then had to explain the phrase to Besos as meaning “lay off” or “get off my back”.

This, apparently, was the first phrase that came to her mind.  Or, rather, some variation of it.

I said, “honey, the phrase is ‘get off my dick‘ and that wouldn’t be my phrase!”

She just grinned.

So it’s a toss up between “I can’t be bothered” or “Who gives a shit?”

What’s your phrase?

I had been thinking about deleting my blog for about a month now.  So much going on and little of it was very uplifting.  I felt pretty beat up after the last few weeks.

But then I heard this morning that Jim, beloved Depot Dad, passed through a family and community’s tightly woven fingers  and I read the tremendous outpouring of love and grief.  Then I imagined that the energy from all that love caused such a vibration that some part of him evaporated into the air and was shared between us all.

I did not know Jim. But he sent me this e-mail and I have saved it in my inbox for over a year.

Hey RE,

I’ve been lurking and enjoying your blog for a long time now.  I think your blog kicks ass.

And, as you might have heard, I’m not in a position to procrastinate telling people how I feel. So, keep up the great work. You are one funny SOB.

Jim Everson
Depotdad

So you know what?  I’m not going anywhere and the next year of writing is dedicated to Jim.  Thank you for the inspiration, Jim.

Rest in peace, kind sir.

-R.

1.  I have been considering deleting my blog.  I had typed out the entry to let people know when Besos leaned over, put her hand on mine and said, “Wait.  Just wait a bit longer.”

2.  Grocery shopping with Besos is strangely arousing.

3.  Little Filthy went to the park today.  He peed 27 times.

I WISH I WAS KIDDING.

4.  On Thursday evening, my father sent me a text message at 10 p.m. and informed me that my mother had gone to lunch and had not yet returned.  I frowned.  I called him to speak with him.  She had also forgotten her mobile phone at home so my father could not reach her.  By 11, I sent a text to my sister to ask if she’d spoken with Mom recently.  She hadn’t.  By 11:30, I was staring at the ceiling wondering about when people say that one call can change your life – and I wondered if this was my day?

She arrived home later.  She’d gone to dinner, not lunch.  She felt terrible that the entire family was ready to stroke out.

I took a very deep breath and do not remember falling asleep.

1.  Little Filthy has some sort of bizarre obsession with Besos’s hair.  The moment she rests her head on a pillow, he is next to her, pressing his nose in her hair and then rubbing against her head.  The moment she gets up, he dive bombs her pillow and gives it a full body slam.  I don’t get it.

2.  Do you know that when you live with someone, it’s like… someone helps you live life.  Dude, how cool is that?

3.  One of the things Besos is learning about dog ownership is that Little Filthy sure enjoys a healthy drink of water.  This means he has frequent urges.  This evening, I overheard Besos informing Little Filthy that she was going to put a rubberband on his wiener.

It’s a tightly run ship over here, folks.

Besos spoke with her family tonight.  Afterwards, she looked at me and said, “That was my grandmother.”

Besos continued, “She said, ‘I just had surgery in one eye and the other one doesn’t work.’”

I paused and looked up.

She said, “So I said, “Oh…., well, use your imagination, Grandma.‘”

I burst out laughing.  I said, “Seriously?”

She laughed and said, “Well, what was I supposed to say??  Besides…she didn’t hear me.”

I said, “She didn’t hear you?”

She said, “No…she’s gone deaf.”

I couldn’t help it. I burst out laughing again.

We’re going to hell.