Random Esquire

Did you hear about this?  Utah executed a prisoner by firing squad.

Yes, seriously.  I heard about it on the Today Show and a few things struck me.

1.  It’s a little vague to say that he “could choose his method of execution.”  I feel like someone should make it clear that he could choose between just two options. My first thought was, “Shark tank!  Death by shark tank!”  This is because a)  I watched too much James Bond as a child and b)  seriously, at least make the state own its lunacy.

2.  Who shot this dude?  It’s either volunteer or not, right?  I figure you can’t just make someone shoot somebody so these jackasses volunteer for this shit, right?  Well, now there’s a scary thought.

Speaking of, where do they place that ad? I sort of wish it was in Redbook.  That would make this more interesting to me.

3.  Almost scarier thought than being riddled to death with bullets in Utah?

Living in Utah.

4.  40 out of 49 executions in Utah have been by firing squad.  This is the kind of crazy shit that goes on in the U.S. that makes people in Europe say, “How could those idiots have possibly beaten us the punch with electing a black president?”

Because some Americans are still awesome.

5.  Couldn’t we have just sentenced the guy to a confined life, taken 10% of his earnings, forced him to wear jacked up underwear, prohibited him from alcohol, coffee, and smoking, and forced upon him a generally boring day to day existence?

Or would he just blend in with the rest of Utah?

You may recall the ordeal I went through known as “Where’s my blender?”

This is when I got my parents a $300+ blender because they liked fruit smoothies.  Whatever.  It was Christmas.

Well, as you may have heard… Chicago experienced quite the storm today.  Windows flew out of the Willis/Sears Tower, Chicago turned dark as night in the daytime, hail fell and, generally speaking, everything went to shit for a while.

It is now 10:30 p.m.  My parents have texted me a few times to let me know that their electricity is still out but that they are comfortable and it should be fine.

My father said it was generally okay outside and so they were not too warm.  Still, not entirely comfortable.

I texted back, “That sucks.”

My father responded, “It sure does. Mom just got her Vitamix Pro 500 and we never got to try it!”

Yes.

Unfortunately, I am serious.  They upgraded.  To a $600 blender.

I don’t get it.  They both have all their teeth.  What the hell are they doing over there?!