Random Esquire

1.  Listen up, ladies: Getting a French manicure won’t make you classy.  You’re not fooling anyone.

2.  I got a text message today that said “Kissing leads to forking.”

That’s right, people.  If you aren’t careful, you’ll go from kissing to forking.

3.  Did I mention that I bought new laptop because my old one was making a jacked up noise?  The fan was making horrible noises.  So I gave it to my parents to use/fix.  And then I went out and spend $2200 on a new mac book pro.  My father?  He fixed the laptop.

By replacing a $22 fan.

D’oh!

Oh, did you hear what ruined the fan?

DOG HAIR.

4.   Is it bad that when the people on Intervention readily agree to go to rehab, I doubt they ever had a real commitment to the addiction? I mean, come on.  I’ve put up more of a fight over a piece of pie.

5.  My left ass cheek is sore.

I can’t tell if this is because I am, in some way, favoring it.

Or if someone else is.

BWAH HA HA.

Okay, I’m dumb.

I spoke with The Italian yesterday.

You remember him, right?

He’s the Jewish guy.

Glad we’re on the same page.

The Italian has resumed his former love affair with a Venezuelan woman.  The most obvious indication of this is that he can not stop talking at 100 miles per minute.  Here’s a snippet of our most recent conversation which we held over the phone while in the office.  Vinnie is his co-worker.

The Italian: “You are a very attractive man. And I do mean that sexually.  That’s my favorite thing to say. I say that to everyone. Mainly to my boyfriend, Vinnie. Did you know Vinnie was my boyfriend?  Oh, she [hot Venezuelan girlfriend] hates it when I call him that. But I call him that. VINNIE! Do you like it when I call you my girlfriend??”

[Heard in the background]: *SIGH* “I’m better with it since you started seeing [hot Venezuelan girlfriend] again.”

The Italian: “HA HA HA, He doesn’t mind! He’s my boyfriend! He’s in the next cube! We share a cubical wall!”

RandomEsq: “Is there a glory hole in your cubicle wall? You can tell me. I am your friend.”

The Italian: “Oh no no no no, no glory hole! RIGHT, VINNIE?! Oh, I just love Vinnie. He’s my boyfriend.”

RandomEsq:  “Is your dick in the glory hole right now?”

The Italian:  “HAHAHAHA! NO.”

RandomEsq:  “You’ve been getting a lot of sex, haven’t you?”

Whenever The Italian gets a lot of sex, he is wound up like a whirling dervish.

The Italian:  “OHhhhh yessssssss. LOTS OF SEX.  The best. We can never break up again. It can’t happen. I’m short, bald, and ugly.  I can never break up with [hot Venezuelan girlfriend] again!”

RandomEsq:  “DUDE. What is wrong with you!”

The Italian:  “Drugs. NOOooo, ha ha ha!  NOW THIS IS THE STORY ALL ABOUT HOW MY LIFE GOT FLIPPED TURNED UPSIDE DOWN…”

and then he was off. Singing Fresh Prince.

Yes.  Seriously.

I almost want to give out his number so you call can experience it.

1. It’s hard to write a blog entry.

When a dog insists on standing on you and staring at you.

2.  I ate a mango today.  For some reason, I decided I would just peel it and eat it off of the pit.  Except, this wasn’t a small champagne mango. This was one of those big ass mangoes that white people buy because it is red and orange and pretty.

Dude. This was a mistake.

When I was done, it was like someone had put privacy curtains between each of my teeth.

3.  I saw my parents and their new $600 blender yesterday.  My mother gave me their throw-away $300 blender.  I had to ask.

I said, “Mom, what the hell are you two blending that you need that machine?”

Because the only thing I’ve seen them use the thing for is fruit smoothies.

My mom said, “It makes awesome margaritas!”

I said, “Mom, you don’t drink.”

“I might start.”

Now, really, my mother does occasionally drink but pretty rarely.  I said, “You have maybe two margaritas a year.”

My father grunted and said, “Those are three hundred dollar margaritas.”

Happy father’s day!

Did you hear about this?  Utah executed a prisoner by firing squad.

Yes, seriously.  I heard about it on the Today Show and a few things struck me.

1.  It’s a little vague to say that he “could choose his method of execution.”  I feel like someone should make it clear that he could choose between just two options. My first thought was, “Shark tank!  Death by shark tank!”  This is because a)  I watched too much James Bond as a child and b)  seriously, at least make the state own its lunacy.

2.  Who shot this dude?  It’s either volunteer or not, right?  I figure you can’t just make someone shoot somebody so these jackasses volunteer for this shit, right?  Well, now there’s a scary thought.

Speaking of, where do they place that ad? I sort of wish it was in Redbook.  That would make this more interesting to me.

3.  Almost scarier thought than being riddled to death with bullets in Utah?

Living in Utah.

4.  40 out of 49 executions in Utah have been by firing squad.  This is the kind of crazy shit that goes on in the U.S. that makes people in Europe say, “How could those idiots have possibly beaten us the punch with electing a black president?”

Because some Americans are still awesome.

5.  Couldn’t we have just sentenced the guy to a confined life, taken 10% of his earnings, forced him to wear jacked up underwear, prohibited him from alcohol, coffee, and smoking, and forced upon him a generally boring day to day existence?

Or would he just blend in with the rest of Utah?

You may recall the ordeal I went through known as “Where’s my blender?”

This is when I got my parents a $300+ blender because they liked fruit smoothies.  Whatever.  It was Christmas.

Well, as you may have heard… Chicago experienced quite the storm today.  Windows flew out of the Willis/Sears Tower, Chicago turned dark as night in the daytime, hail fell and, generally speaking, everything went to shit for a while.

It is now 10:30 p.m.  My parents have texted me a few times to let me know that their electricity is still out but that they are comfortable and it should be fine.

My father said it was generally okay outside and so they were not too warm.  Still, not entirely comfortable.

I texted back, “That sucks.”

My father responded, “It sure does. Mom just got her Vitamix Pro 500 and we never got to try it!”

Yes.

Unfortunately, I am serious.  They upgraded.  To a $600 blender.

I don’t get it.  They both have all their teeth.  What the hell are they doing over there?!

So I am staring at the ceiling.

It isn’t working.

So, okay, I said I was reformed but then I saw this. I say Man Purse. What say you?

And I’m sure he’s a perfectly nice guy. It’s just that I noticed the murse (thank you for the new slang,fireminx).

The office is a little loud today.

1.  My nephew is going through potty training.  My mother visited my sister and her family this weekend and was a witness to the magic that is potty training a little boy.  My mother informed me that she instructed my nephew to “hold it” while he stood in front of the toilet.  He did and then withdrew his hand again and looked up at my mother and said, “My pee-pee has a booger on it.”  I mean, I can understand why he didn’t want to hold something with a booger on it.  So you can hardly blame the kid.

2.  I spent Memorial Day on Lake Michigan, salmon fishing on a chartered boat.  One of the salty older men who was along on the trip told me a lot of stories that made me laugh.  When in college, he and a buddy thought that they would sign up for dance lessons as a way to meet girls.  They walked to the class congratulating themselves and when they got there, each was given a mannequin on roller skates.  He said it was horrible.

3.  I got a Droid Incredible. This means that I may become perfectly obnoxious posting pictures of everything because it is now super easy from my phone.  Having said that, while I understand that some of you (especially if you follow me on twitter) would appreciate a picture of Turtle or Permanently Pregnant girl, I have learned my lesson about trying to take pictures of people in public places.  I am reformed.

4.  The dog and I are going to have a beer and finish watching the hockey game.

CAUSE THAT HOW WE DO.