Random Esquire

1.  Editor recently sent me a text that said: “You know what kills me? Lack of the 3 V’s.  Validation, Vacation, and pussy.”

2.  I’ve had the same vacuum for 10 years. So on a whim, I bought a new one. Guess what?  Little Filthy hates it as much as the old one.  I probably shouldn’t have tried the pet hair removal attachment directly on him.  Turns out, it’s for furniture.

3.  Speaking of the beast, he got his stitches removed.  When we walked into the vet, he clearly recalled the last horrible visit and without squatting or any pre-game fanfare, he pooped a tiny poop right between my shoes.

4.  If you follow me on Twitter, you also heard about how, during a recent off-leash romp at the park, he pinpointed the most attractive woman at the park, ignored her dogs and instead, walked over to her leashes on the ground and promptly peed on them.  Fortunately, he was more or less on empty and she could not stop laughing.

5.  I love how Woody Allen has come out in defense of Roman Polanski.  Next up in defense of Polanski: Casey Anthony and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

6.  I like Betty White but I’m sort of tired of her shtick.  I am suffering from “sweet looking grandma says dirty things” overload.

7.  I had my mobile phone in my pocket the other day when I walked into the restroom at the office.  Someone was in a stall.  As I was…let us say…’mid-motion’, I received a text message and my phone said, a la Quagmire from Family Guy:  “Heh heh.  Alllllriiiiight.”  At first, I grinned.  Then I wondered if said person thought I had said it.  That wiped the grin off my face.

8.  I think it’s funny when people refer to “the business end” of something, meaning the butt.

9.  The last few weeks, I have felt a combination of many feelings and today, my frustration has culminated into a feeling of recklessness.  That’s not really a great thing, going into a weekend.

10.  My leg is completely asleep right now.  It reminds me once, when I was a teenager, that I fell asleep and woke to the sound of the phone ringing in the other room.  I scrambled out of bed onto a leg that was completely asleep and nerve dead and I fell flat on my face.  I didn’t let that faze me.  I got right back up and fell down again.

I didn’t know it was going to be an allegory.