Random Esquire

1.  Lousy Schmuck sent me a text message last week.  It said, “I just figured out I’ve had my underwear on inside out all day.”

2.  My father informs me that we will be leaving at 3:30 a.m. to go fishing.  All I have to say about that is that the fish better be both big and plentiful.  And taste like butterscotch and whiskey.

3.  I hung out with Editor last night.  Pizza + beer + ice cream + hockey.  Then we both sat on the couch and hollered at the television.  Speaking of Editor – have I ever mentioned that we once went to catch a flick and as soon as we were seated, he farted and then proceeded to use his hands in an attempt to scoop and waft said fart at me?  As soon as I realized what he was doing, I promptly dropped my slushie in surprise.  Waste of a good slushie, that.

4. If I never hear another person say “Now’s a good time to buy” I will be perfectly content.  That and “You should buy a place.”

I get it.

5. Conversation with my mother:

Me: “Hey, Mom.”

Mom:  “Who is this?”

Me: “FOR REAL?”

Mom: “Oh, hi. What’d you do this weekend?”

Me: “Helped some friends move and watched hockey.”

Mom: “Your friends moved?”

Me: “Yeah.  They bought a place.”

Mom:  “Ohhh. You should buy a place.  Now’s a good time to buy.”

Me:  *Deep Breath*

Mom:  “I have to go. Your dad is pouring orange juice.”

*Blink*

Yes, I’m serious.

I was walking past a Blockbuster and saw this picture.  My initial thought was that Alvin has HUGE boobs.

Who designed this thing?

1. Who are these people in those ads who wash their dishes with paper towels?   You know what we call strong paper towels?  Cloth.  Quit being wasteful.

2.  I think I touched a dog duke with my finger today.  Hole in the poop bag.  That’s an unpleasant surprise.  I wouldn’t say it’s up there with discovering a hole in a condom.  But it’s up there.

3.  IKnow! had a baby. She worked on her blackberry while in the hospital, while in labor.  Of course, she told everyone she was in labor so they would recognize her dedication.  Sycophant.  I let our boss know she had her baby.  I also told him that she cut the umbilical cord with her blackberry.

4.  You know what makes you feel bad?  When you accidentally bonk your dog on the nose and he pauses, squints his eyes and shakes out a sneeze.  Sorry, little man.

5.  I’m hungry. Somebody feed me!

He fell asleep with his face on his paws, leaving it smooshed.

1.  Editor recently sent me a text that said: “You know what kills me? Lack of the 3 V’s.  Validation, Vacation, and pussy.”

2.  I’ve had the same vacuum for 10 years. So on a whim, I bought a new one. Guess what?  Little Filthy hates it as much as the old one.  I probably shouldn’t have tried the pet hair removal attachment directly on him.  Turns out, it’s for furniture.

3.  Speaking of the beast, he got his stitches removed.  When we walked into the vet, he clearly recalled the last horrible visit and without squatting or any pre-game fanfare, he pooped a tiny poop right between my shoes.

4.  If you follow me on Twitter, you also heard about how, during a recent off-leash romp at the park, he pinpointed the most attractive woman at the park, ignored her dogs and instead, walked over to her leashes on the ground and promptly peed on them.  Fortunately, he was more or less on empty and she could not stop laughing.

5.  I love how Woody Allen has come out in defense of Roman Polanski.  Next up in defense of Polanski: Casey Anthony and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

6.  I like Betty White but I’m sort of tired of her shtick.  I am suffering from “sweet looking grandma says dirty things” overload.

7.  I had my mobile phone in my pocket the other day when I walked into the restroom at the office.  Someone was in a stall.  As I was…let us say…’mid-motion’, I received a text message and my phone said, a la Quagmire from Family Guy:  “Heh heh.  Alllllriiiiight.”  At first, I grinned.  Then I wondered if said person thought I had said it.  That wiped the grin off my face.

8.  I think it’s funny when people refer to “the business end” of something, meaning the butt.

9.  The last few weeks, I have felt a combination of many feelings and today, my frustration has culminated into a feeling of recklessness.  That’s not really a great thing, going into a weekend.

10.  My leg is completely asleep right now.  It reminds me once, when I was a teenager, that I fell asleep and woke to the sound of the phone ringing in the other room.  I scrambled out of bed onto a leg that was completely asleep and nerve dead and I fell flat on my face.  I didn’t let that faze me.  I got right back up and fell down again.

I didn’t know it was going to be an allegory.

You may recall the conversation I had with The Buddy regarding a potential date who was declared Who-ish.  We had this discussion earlier today.

RE:  When I see someone who is pigeon-toed, I sort of want to beat them up.

Buddy:  heh.

RE:  Like, in the wild, I feel like that’d be a clear sign that they were easy pickin’s.

Buddy:  Totally.

RE:  Survival of the fittest.  But people who walk like ducks, they don’t seem stronger or anything.

Buddy:  Misaligned.

RE:  Yes.  I don’t want to beat them up.  Just the pigeon-toed people.  I feel the same way about over-pronaters. WTF.

Buddy:  Sounds like some kind of foot fetish opposite.  You are not nice.

RE:  I didn’t say I want to push them over and steal their wallet.

Buddy:  That makes you a bully, not a thief.

RE:  I’m not actually doing it.  I just have a slight inclination.  Not even a strong urge.  Just a slight inclination to tip them over like a cow.  Or like flipping a turtle on its back.  So you can watch their neck stretch as they try to right themselves.

Buddy:  Cows don’t tip by the way.

RE:  Too heavy?

Buddy:  That and they go down on their knees, like a dog.

RE:  Just for the record, I do not wish to topple over heavy people.

Buddy:  Thanks for clearing that up.

Then, later…

(more…)

Dear Sir,

You bet $100,000 on the winning horse at the Kentucky Derby.  That is balls out.  You rock.

Except…

your hair is telling the world, “I am insecure.”

Maybe good hair pieces are expensive.  If so, let me congratulate you once more on your recent winnings.  I have a suggestion on how you can spend it.

Or…. you could just be bald.  Because who gives a shit.  Women actually know that you and your sperm aren’t all limp-dicked because of it.  Also, who needs hair? You just won $900,000. Hell, I might trade ya.

Nahhhh, I’m gonna keep my hair.

Little Filthy had surgery on Thursday.  He had a lump/wart thingy removed from his front paw and, since he was going to be out anyway, a teeth cleaning.  He was dropped off at 7 a.m. without his breakfast.  When I picked him up at 5 p.m., they gave me back a groggy, drunk dog who was hungry and tried to gnaw into a bag of dog food on display while I paid the bill.

Here’s a picture of his shaved leg with some stitches – sorry for the quality. I took it on my phone in dim lighting and probably that was for the best.  It looks like a big black ant with long antennae on a wound.

Today, I had to step out for a while so I put on his cone.  His cone of shame.  See, he wore it when we walked out of the vet’s office (not too skillfully, I’ll add – he snagged the cone on ever corner or door or piece of furniture, etc.)  but as he has not been alone since then, he hasn’t worn the cone and has just been under careful watch.  However, because he was going to be alone, I put on his cone and left him standing on the entry-way rug, staring at the door and giving me  look of “WHAT. THE. F*CK.”

I came home about an hour later and found him… in the exact same position, staring at the front door – having not moved in an hour.  His face said, “No, Seriously.  WHAT. THE. F*CK.  I look like Queen Elizabeth.”

So I took the cone off and put a loose band-aid on his leg.  He’s much happier now.