Steamed Genitals. And Other Dumb Shit I Do. Or Almost Do. Or Sometimes Think.
1. I decided on a late night shower this evening. I undressed and was going to get into the shower when I decided to lower the thermostat. I walked out into the living room / kitchen naked and realized that the dishwasher had just finished the wash cycle. I decided to open it instead of having it go through the dry cycle. I flipped the latch, opened it a bit…
and damned if I didn’t almost steam my genitals.
2. On the train this morning, I observed a young man whose natural expression was… slack jawed. His lips were like two ships that pass in the night but never meet. I don’t get it. But I sat there and thought of all the other jacked up analogies I could make about his teeth. Like, his upper lip was a window shade that wouldn’t pull down. Or his upper lip was like a belly shirt that exposed too much teeth. Dumb shit like that.
3. I asked my sister her thoughts on towel sharing and informed her that some people wash their towels after every use. Her response was, “Those people never went to college.”
4. Editor and I had a beer outdoors on Friday night. In the vein of being keenly observant, there was a woman at the next table and I could not help but notice her. This is because her chin seemingly never met a jaw of any type but simply bled into her neck. With her hair pulled back, she was remarkably turtle-like. I suppose some people just inevitably get compared to animals. I think, perhaps, the turtle is not so much a flattering comparison.
5. My niece and nephew are big Little Filthy fans. When they saw him on Sunday, I explained that he had received a shot in the leg and it had made his leg sore. Remember when my niece pointed to Little Filthy’s exit door and asked, “What’s that hole?” Well, this time, my nephew pointed to it and said, “is that shot? boo boo!” Yeah. He thinks Little Filthy’s hole is where he got his shot. I don’t bother explaining things but cautioned against touching anything.
6. I got my hair cut last week at a new place. This means that I did not receive the kind ministrations of The Bumper. The Bumper is the pretty young woman who would wash my hair prior to my cut and she would…*ahem* …bump me. Honestly, people, it’s hard not to grin just typing that. Anyway – no Bumper so therefore, no bumps. Because, in case you didn’t know, it’s rude to dive for a bump. Now you know. It’s one to grow on.
7. When Little Filthy was at the vet last week, his anal glands were expressed. The vet said: “they were quite full.” This somehow makes me feel negligent. I decided to see if I could learn how to do this so perhaps I could take care of this little issue when giving Little Filthy a bath. Naturally, I turned to Youtube.
After a few videos, I decided that there are some things best left to the vet… left to the vet and some dark room in the back where no one talks about what’s going on or what they’ve seen.
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Just a random attorney writing about daily life with Little Filthy, my rotten dog.
April 6th, 2010 at 10:40 pm
I am a Bumper. I can’t help it! Try NOT running into things with F’s. I also have what I consider to be stubby little t-rex arms and I am 5’1. 99% of my male clients are 6’5 and taller. I have to stand on a phone book on a step stool to cut their hair. When I have to reach forward to do the front from behind, there is a *lot* of bumping.
But I make AWESOME tips XD
April 6th, 2010 at 10:46 pm
hahahahahahahahaha steamed genitals..hahahahahahahaha…cockpunch….hahahahaha…expressed anal glands… I am very overtired and this is just doin’ me head in!
Actually my laughing over the anal glands has now changed to a mild stomache turning as the thought of what that must mean is sinking in…oh gawd…I am going to have to look this up on youtube..gulp..
April 6th, 2010 at 10:52 pm
wow….wow…I had to cover my face with my shirt during most of it while dry heaving loudly. I will pay my vet any amount of money they ask for to do that for me. Those youtube videos lead to ones with zit/boil popping. Why in the name of all this is holy would you film and put that shit on the internet with your face visable.
I don’t know how I will sleep tonigh..gag..I just retched again…
April 6th, 2010 at 11:42 pm
I once had to attend a drug and alcohol abuse seminar (no not as an addict – as a person entering a caring profession) and the lady running it looked like a turkey. Her head was kind of bald but had thin hair all over it and spots. Her neck was … just like a turkey’s.
I felt so awful for thinking that but it just couldn’t be helped. I really hope no-one ever compares me to an animal
April 7th, 2010 at 12:29 am
Chivahn- I am a bumper too. Mine are always always always in the way and people have full on grabbed them and I don’t even notice anymore. But I get lots of free stuff too. Hee hee. I just thank them for the moment and move on.
Do you rest yours on tables too? I do that without even realizing it. So embarassing
April 7th, 2010 at 1:23 am
I am a Little Filthy fan too !
Something tells me you enjoyed getting your genitals steamed.
April 7th, 2010 at 3:12 am
Dude. I can’t believe you gave me shit for for owning a cat.
April 7th, 2010 at 3:45 am
I just don’t see the big deal with washing towels after every use.
I do it and I also have a university degree.
Just sayin’.
April 7th, 2010 at 6:42 am
@Chivahn – heh. HEHEHEHEHEHEH.
@andrea m – Oh man, you just had to, didn’t you? Ayup, serves you right. Try searching for “bot fly removal” and you’ll see what had me up at arms before my trip to Costa Rica. The resting on tables comment made me laugh out loud.
@Kez – oh man, a turkey. I often see chicken-like people but now I’ll be on the look-out for a turkey.
@Sandra – Okay, I laughed when I read your last sentence. Crank up the dishwasher!
@MommaSunshine – Look, I’m *normal*. Owning a cat is just demented.
@CBG – I should clarify what she meant – it was less commentary on having a degree and more commentary on her own laundering habits while in college. heh.
April 7th, 2010 at 9:24 am
CBG washes his towels after every use? But aren’t you CLEAN when you use them? Hmmm…
I’m crackin up imagining you on the train observing people and your mind going 100 miles a minute.
Please oh please will someone steam my genitals while expressing my anus?
NOT!
Yeesh.
April 7th, 2010 at 9:25 am
Oh and regarding bumping? Some things just can’t be helped, ya know? My girls have a mind of their own… just sayin’.
April 7th, 2010 at 10:10 am
Don’t you have all glass windows on your loft? Was your nakedness exposed? I am glad I do not have a turtle neck. I would have to wear a turtleneck. *giggle*
April 7th, 2010 at 11:09 am
@andrea – they totally do.
April 7th, 2010 at 1:36 pm
I always thought Barry Manilow looked like a turtle.
April 7th, 2010 at 8:11 pm
@T – Good God, you made me shudder with the steam/expressing comment.
However, the second comment: THUMBS UP!
@Pippi – Not all glass – just one side. Um, I suppose my nakedness was sort of exposed. However, you can’t really see inside well.
@debra – YES. He totally does.
April 7th, 2010 at 8:31 pm
We have a new girl at the library and I couldn’t figure out who she reminded me of. then I put away a copy of “The Wind in the Willows”, and it hit me. She looks like Mr. Toad, sitting there with her hands folded in her lap. Now I’m not going to be able to look at her without giggling.
April 8th, 2010 at 5:35 pm
I was in a small college honors class where we all sat around a big conference table. One day a rather unattractive, chubby, big boobied classmate wore a very tight Wendy’s t-shirt that read ‘Big and Juicy’ in big letters over her big boobies which she hefted up on the table where they sat for the whole class. And boy, I think i just stared for the whole hour, aghast and amazed.
April 18th, 2010 at 1:15 pm
you were on a roll last week… with your hilarious posts.