Random Esquire

Tonight, I got a text message from Besos.  It said:

“I am going to marry the next person who asks me.”

*Blink*

I froze in place and wondered why I was always late to the party.  Then I snapped out of it and responded:

“HEY!”

She didn’t miss a beat.  The next text said:

“Need to check it off my list of things to do before I am thirty.”

I responded:

“You’re 35!”

Well.

Ya know,…that is the wrong response.

Wrong.

If you were wondering.

1.  Mopey people should be put down.  Okay, so, maybe not put down for life.  But maybe just put down for a nap or something until they can sort themselves out and be ready to join in life again with a bit better of an attitude.  I am pretty sure I could never be a therapist unless “Get over it!” was a legitimate school of thought.

2.  Is a fountain pen pretentious?  Because I got one and really dig it and upon finding out, a friend remarked, “Doesn’t that make you feel pretentious?”

I think that is because she is envisioning this. (Yes, that’s a $57,000 fountain pen)

Instead of this.

I’m pretty sure that you’re not allowed to be pretentious with a clear, plastic, $24 fountain pen – which is what I’m using.

You know what cracks me up?  The reviews for that $57K fountain pen.  One says, “It is a pen. You write with it. It costs $57,000. What is wrong with you?“  heh.

The other says: “…A lovely choice for collectors of fine writing instruments but I was a bit disappointed the ink is a bit pricey.”  Really?  You’re disappointed that the ink is pricey for your $57,000 fountain pen? Really?  Guaranteed that guy is an asshole.

People boggle me.

3.  I woke up this morning when a warm dog tongue and a cold nose made contact with my face.

I suppose I can’t blame him.  He doesn’t know how to just put bacon in a pan and let it happen the natural way.

This is my friend’s eye.  The first time I met her and saw her eyes, I did a double take and decided I wanted a picture.  It only took 3 more months of cajoling to get it.

Tilt-Shifted:

Close-up Picture after the Cut.

(more…)

Last Wednesday, I took off work so I could accompany Besos to the hospital for an endoscopy.  I took along my camera.  This is because it is not every day that you get to see the inside of someone’s stomach and I wanted to document said procedure for posterity.  And when I say “for posterity”, I mean “for the blog.”

This may come as a shock but sometimes, I am annoying.  Like, really annoying.  That is exactly how I seemed when I bounced into her place, big grin on and camera ready to rock and roll.  Except, did you know this …?  that being the person who is going to get the endoscopy is actually a lot less fun than being the person who gets to stare at the inside of a stomach?

Me:  “Do you think they’ll let me in with you? Do you think they’ll let me film it?”

Besos:  “NO AND NO.”

Me:  “I think if you consent, maybe I can watch.”

Besos:  “We’ll see.”

Me:  “Do you think they’ll let me film it?”

Besos: “NO.  I am telling you NO.  You can not film it. I am saying NO.”

Me:  *Sad Trombone Sound*

Guess what?  They didn’t let me in.   Otherwise, I could be showing you a picture of the inside of a Besostomach.  I know! Bogus, right?

So, that was Wednesday.  My day for the hospital came last night. (more…)

This morning, on the Today Show, a woman who described the hunt for a missing girl by saying, “They are literally turning over heaven and earth.”

Except, she didn’t really mean literally.

She meant, “but not for reals, yo.”

Do people know what this word means?  It’s like adding on, “I means it!” to stuff. It’s supposed to mean that what you just said was FOR SERIOUS.

It’s a fantastic ONE word that captures the concept that the actual meaning of the words you spoke should be taken at complete face value as the truth.  How wonderful that there is a single word to even describe such a concept!  You don’t have to say, “I’m serious.  I meant the meaning of each and every one of those words and the statement I just made is completely true.”

You don’t have to do that! There’s a word for it! It is:  literally

What a brilliant language.

Here.  Let’s ruin it.

Literally.

1.  Have you ever seen this?  A woman has a big smile on her face but then, in order to remove said smile, she sort of has to pull her top lip down over her top teeth, thereby – for a brief moment – making an odd monkey face?  I find this slightly off-putting.

2.  I see a dude on my way to work often and his head is just too small for his body.  I think I’ve even written about this before.  It isn’t vastly too small; it’s just slightly too small for his body.  Just enough for me to notice from the corner of my vision.  As if this weren’t enough, the guy wears those Transition lenses and so his glasses are that odd tinted color on very sunny days.  I mean, that all just makes for an odd package, right?

3.  I got into a minor confrontation on Sunday.  I was standing along the street in Chinatown with Besos and another friend waiting for Sitcom and her boyfriend when we were approached by an apparently homeless man who said something about helping him get a bowl of soup.

Now, if you know me at all, you know that I actually have a bit of a soft spot when it comes to this – at times.  This, however, was not one of those times.

I said, “No.”  He stood there and said something like, “Hey…I’m just asking for…” with a slight asshole tone.

And I said, “NO. Keep moving.”

He got a little aggressive and said, “YOU keep moving.”

I said, “I was standing here. You were moving. So I can’t keep moving.”

It went on a little longer after that.  Then at some point, you realize that you’re having a perfectly ridiculous conversation with a crazy person.  I’m not sure which one of us realized this first.  But he moved on.

4.  I’m over watching Hoarders. Every episode is the same.  And now, even with intervention, some part of cheers when the addicted person is like, “Hell no, I’m not going.”  And then doesn’t go to treatment!  Balls out.  I realize that is all kinds of wrong.  But there you have it.

5.  Speaking of balls out, Instigator is all kinds of balls out at work lately.  She has no problem saying to the powers that be, “You suck!”  Churro and I decided she has the biggest balls in the office.  She bought me lunch yesterday.  She made a point to suggest I mention this because I have previously mentioned taking her to lunch and she did not appreciate sounding like a kept woman.  I could have reassured her by noting that no one would be under that impression simply due to the tracks she was leaving behind her… from her balls dragging on the ground.

But I didn’t.

Besos read and and watched the Twilight series/movies.  I, however, find the vampire kick completely boring and rather ridiculous.  The other day, however, I recorded the first Twilight movie on DVR so she could watch it again.  And today, I cleaned out the DVR and saw it and thought, “Okay, I can do this. Let’s see what the excitement is about.”

I made it an hour in before I had turn it off.

First of all – that brown haired duded who plays the native american friend of the main chick – whatshername (WHN).  That guy is as good an actor as John Goodman – which is to say: not at all.  And he’s dating Taylor Swift, right?  I don’t listen to country music but she seems quite nice and I’m sure they are quite nice together (if they still are together) but my first thought upon seeing him was that if he and Taylor Swift had kids, the kids might end up tan or pale, brunette or blond – but one thing was for sure.

They’d have some momofuku squinty-ass eyes.

Okay, next.

This kid who is a vampire.  This kid looks like some one frying panned him in the face.  By that, I mean that he has an unusually flat face.  I mean, he really has quite the melon on that neck and sometimes, I’m surprised he doesn’t topple forward but what the hell do I know – maybe he has and that’s why he’s flatfaced?

Then I gather that WHN figures out that FlatFace is a vampire and he says that she should see him for what he really is – out in the sunlight.  So NOW I started to pay attention because I was thinking that this was going to be like when the mask gets ripped off the Phantom or the burlap sack gets lifted off the Elephant man.  Flatface is all, “Wait until you see WHO I REALLY AM. You will be SO SCARED.”

And then the jackass steps into some sunlight and…

he sparkles.

Like a kindergarten art project.  Like…all glittery.

WTF?

For real?  That’s *IT*?

No skin blistering?  No blood red eyes?  No blood curdling scream from the girl?  He just sparkles like someone dipped him in glue and he rolled around in glitter? What the HELL?

And that’s when I turned it off.