Random Esquire

I fully admit that I look through the entire SkyMall catalog when on an airplane.  Why? Because it’s ridiculous.  It has some seriously ridiculous stuff.

Speaking of ridiculous, when I took out my phone and snapped pictures of things, my mother said, “You look ridiculous.”  This is because we all took the same flight to New Jersey to see my sister.  I digress.

On to the stupid shit sold at Sky Mall.  Let’s talk about what you would think if you saw the below products in a woman’s home – and the best is last.

If you visit a woman and she has a funky toilet seat for whatever reason – just…leave.

What the hell?  Why would you want your front yard to look like a Night of the Living Dead?  The only thing that would make this funny is if a dog pooped in that thing’s mouth.

This little picture was in an ad for shoes with springs in the heels.  Seriously.  Apparently, they sky rocket you to work.  I couldn’t tell what the guy was holding in his right hand.  If you see these at a woman’s home, set her up with your sister.

I don’t even know what the HELL this is.  Like, you seriously strap the cell phone to your wrist so… that you don’t lose it?  If you see a woman with this strapped to her wrist, just forget about it. She’s too stupid to date.

LAST BUT NOT LEAST:

BOOYAH.  This is the motherload.  If you see these things… you don’t need to date this woman. You just need to have sex with her.  Because those things are *not* used to ease back pain – unless you mean ‘back pain during sex.’   If that ain’t a sex wedge, I don’t know what is.

Now, don’t get me wrong – the first thing you need to do is throw that that shit away.  Cause you don’t want to use a used sex wedge.  You just go get another one.  For every room in the house.