Twilight, The Movie: Whhaaaaaat?
Besos read and and watched the Twilight series/movies. I, however, find the vampire kick completely boring and rather ridiculous. The other day, however, I recorded the first Twilight movie on DVR so she could watch it again. And today, I cleaned out the DVR and saw it and thought, “Okay, I can do this. Let’s see what the excitement is about.”
I made it an hour in before I had turn it off.
First of all – that brown haired duded who plays the native american friend of the main chick – whatshername (WHN). That guy is as good an actor as John Goodman – which is to say: not at all. And he’s dating Taylor Swift, right? I don’t listen to country music but she seems quite nice and I’m sure they are quite nice together (if they still are together) but my first thought upon seeing him was that if he and Taylor Swift had kids, the kids might end up tan or pale, brunette or blond – but one thing was for sure.
They’d have some momofuku squinty-ass eyes.
Okay, next.
This kid who is a vampire. This kid looks like some one frying panned him in the face. By that, I mean that he has an unusually flat face. I mean, he really has quite the melon on that neck and sometimes, I’m surprised he doesn’t topple forward but what the hell do I know – maybe he has and that’s why he’s flatfaced?
Then I gather that WHN figures out that FlatFace is a vampire and he says that she should see him for what he really is – out in the sunlight. So NOW I started to pay attention because I was thinking that this was going to be like when the mask gets ripped off the Phantom or the burlap sack gets lifted off the Elephant man. Flatface is all, “Wait until you see WHO I REALLY AM. You will be SO SCARED.”
And then the jackass steps into some sunlight and…
he sparkles.
Like a kindergarten art project. Like…all glittery.
WTF?
For real? That’s *IT*?
No skin blistering? No blood red eyes? No blood curdling scream from the girl? He just sparkles like someone dipped him in glue and he rolled around in glitter? What the HELL?
And that’s when I turned it off.
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Just a random attorney writing about daily life with Little Filthy, my rotten dog.
March 1st, 2010 at 2:32 pm
Ha! I admit that I got caught up in the books (during a snowstorm in which I wasn’t able to leave the house for a week), but the movie was HORRIBLE. I mean.. even Lifetime movies aren’t *that* bad and they’re pretty effing awful.
I do think that Robert Pattinson, AKA flatface is hot and I can see why teenage girls are all a’twitter over him. “John Goodman” is a worse actor than WHN which I didn’t even think *was* possible. But what the hell do I know?
March 1st, 2010 at 2:39 pm
HAHAHAHA
i totally agree. i downloaded the movie last year and had to keep stopping it to fill my wine glass up.
by the end, i was like “WHAT THE HELL DID I JUST WATCH?”
March 1st, 2010 at 2:51 pm
I remain ever-proud of the fact that I stopped reading the first book on pg. 23 and will never EVER see the movie, unless forced to view it, a la “A Clockwork Orange.”
March 1st, 2010 at 3:20 pm
I agree. I also never got in to Harry Potter. Not that you asked, but…
March 1st, 2010 at 3:30 pm
I read the first Harry Potter just to see what all the fuss was about. It was OK. But I bought the second book because I was intrigued enough by the first to find out what would happen next.
The books got better as they progressed. Darker, more intricate.
Not that I’m trying to sway you, Pippi. I’m just sayin’. I didn’t expect to buy the whole series as it was published, but I did.
March 1st, 2010 at 3:47 pm
I’ve never had any interest in the books or the movie, just not my thing at all. Vampires make me yawn.
I personally find it creepy that there’s all these middle-aged women lusting after the same boys that their teenaged daughters are.
Ew.
March 1st, 2010 at 5:06 pm
The cheesey lines almost make that movie worth it, my favorite is “your my brand of heroin.”
March 1st, 2010 at 5:08 pm
Do you like the True Blood series on HBO?
March 1st, 2010 at 5:15 pm
I downloaded the movie last year and I still can’t find it in myself to watch it, even for free.
By the sounds of it, I’ve made the right choice.
March 1st, 2010 at 5:40 pm
Beth, maybe I should read the book(s), you do make a good point.
March 1st, 2010 at 7:22 pm
I have two tween aged daughters. They own this horror, and I hear it in their bedroom playing on the tv on a regular basis. They’ve read the series of books so often the covers fell off, and they have Twilight paraphenalia all over their room.
I have become immune. I think the worst scene in the whole thing was when she walks into the classroom and the fan blows past and you see this horrible look at flat face patterson that says, “I haven’t had a bowel movement in four days”
So poorly acted… just silly dialogue.
And yet, I know I’ll end seeing them all because that’s what mom’s do. We suffer through this crap with a smile on our face because it get you the rare and much coveted, “you are the COOLEST MOM EVER!”
March 1st, 2010 at 7:55 pm
Read the books, thought they were ok. (Actually, was fully addicted to them as I was reading them, but didn’t enjoy them enough to read them again.) The movies, (especially the first one) were/are TERRIBLE. Yes, I saw them both. Yes, I am ashamed.
March 1st, 2010 at 9:37 pm
Dude, you crack my shit up.
And Mr. Phoe disagrees with your assessment of John Goodman’s acting (dis)abilities. He cited The Big Lebowski. I haven’t seen it, so I’ll refrain from commenting.
March 2nd, 2010 at 7:59 am
LMAO. I read the Twighlight series. I actually really liked the books (I was VERY biased to begin with because I’m not usually into vampire stuff). Then I saw the movie, and I was like, WTF!? I know books are always better than the movie version but DAMN.
March 2nd, 2010 at 10:44 am
Don’t be a hater. I have always admitted that both movies and books are poorly acted and written, that is why it was a SECRET that I had read and watched the movies. Gracias, carino…*tsk tsk*. But hey, I can’t seem to resist a vampire love story
heh. And flatface vampire is a hottie.
March 2nd, 2010 at 1:21 pm
I read the books and appreciated them for what they were- fun, escapist drivel. I wasn’t into Vampires either (but now am totally into TrueBlood- but THAT’S a whoooole different kind of vampire – HBO style-yum!) (if you can get past the dead thing of course).
The movies- both of them, SUCKED LIKE NOTHING HAS EVER SUCKED BEFORE. I was very unpopular with my friends as they still loved them. WHN is probably the worst actress ever- she has the same sneer all the time (even in other movies). Vampire guy is fugly, sparkle or not. I will say that the IndianWere-Friend is pretty much freakin’ hot.
The first director was fired (tho she says she “moved on” – what idiot would move on when the movie made bank?). Some of the scenes made me laugh out loud inappropriately!
March 2nd, 2010 at 3:39 pm
i know, right? EVERYONE knows that vampires BURN in the sun. have they not seen buffy the vampire slayer? it offends me.
March 3rd, 2010 at 1:33 pm
I will admit to having read the books, after months of convincing by a friend and my gf. I absorbed it all and then decided perhaps I will see the movie.
Yes, movie 1 was a poor rendition. 2 was better though in comparison, then again I am a VFX kid and some fx in the second movie was pretty well put together.
I know i’ll end up seeing the last installments of this series… *sigh*
March 3rd, 2010 at 2:54 pm
I agree. Real vampires don’t sparkle.
March 3rd, 2010 at 11:08 pm
These comments made me laugh. I love how people either hate the movie or have a little bit of shame in enjoying them (or the books). heh.
DIRTY SECRETS.